Roll Call 193

I need to chill out. There's no reason for me to be this way.

If anyone bothers me at work severely again at this point, I'm going to walk out and not come back.

Good morning, listening to some music and drinking coffee. Wanted to sleep in a bit but Stash woke me up at 6am demanding food lol

I’m going to have a glass or two of wine tonight to celebrate turning 28 today

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Happy birthday!

Thank you!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Happy birthday!

My birthday is this month, too, at the end of the month.

Thank you! And oh cool! Are you doing anything special for it?

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Happy birthday, Blue_Bird!


My birthday is at the end of this month too, WA!

Thank you SK! How are you doing?

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

I have a Zoom class at nine AM and then I hope to be an adult and go get two new tires on my car. I usually make my Dad go with me, or just send my Dad by himself, to deal with car issues. But I am hoping I can be an adult about this and get it taken care of.

So far so good. I'm having A LOT of anxiety but I am trying to work through it and distract myself. I am trying to do a lot of distractions today!

I hope your anxiety improves, it’s good you’re using distractions

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m getting my hair cut next week. First time it’s been cut in over 2 years. Getting a short layered bob and then I’m gonna dye it a burgundy-ish color. Oh and my eyebrows waxed

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was 20 minutes late for work because I didn't want to go. I felt suicidal all morning at work.

Happy Birthday BB =]

Thank you! I'm sorry you're feeling badly

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

I'm off the deep end.

What do you guys think about me (When I'm doing bad)? Any insights? Criticisms?

I want to know truth.. I'm so confused. Horribly confused. I have so much regret. I don't know which of my thoughts are real.

I want to just snap out of it - And I'll partially do that. I'll stay working - Go to work on Monday.. I'll make more money that I don't need. I just do things that other people want me to do. I should follow my own heart - But I don't know what I want.

I should have been in the psych ward months ago - But at the point that I admit help, I'll have to be forced. The philosophical suicide is what I feel alone with - That we're born alone, die alone. The solipsism stays, like tripping.

I don't know why some people online like to help me, say I'm strong with what I went through, smart, etc.. And then they show off theirselves to me.

And reality is horrific. The reason I complain about normal things in life is cuz of the DP/DR that I had. It makes me freak out about everything. I want to stop the olanzepine.. See what happens for the 3rd time.

I'm sorry that I'm so dangerously unstable.

I'll just listen to some songs and calm down, search a little about questions that I have. No one has to reply. I'm fine - Until my death.

Listening to music is a good idea, I've been listening to so much music lately, it's helped my anxiety a lot, I hope you feel better

Do what makes you happy…..maybe work isn’t that?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I do want.. to work. But in my own way - Without the clock towers watching me, having to wake up when the bells ring - I see the towers outside the office window.. watching.. A coffee break for 15 minutes.. Overtime, pennies, working 35 years - Benefits... Old, then die.

I don't want that..

But no I talked to my mom and feeling a bit better. We're gonna go to a restaurant...

Not sure yet! Probably just go out to dinner with my friend or something low-key.

The higher you go the more autonomy you get…..maybe aim for a masters or PhD? Alternately try entrepreneurship.

I talked with my mom for an hour or so - She and her friend said that I looked sad. I told her about the microdose, wanting to use psychosis as a way to understanding reality, being freaked out and disturbed by reality.. I said a lot of stuff.

What I'm going to do is give complete control to my psychiatrist.. She says that I can't just tell him only the good things and say everything is fine, then get the meds that I want.. Yknow?

I said that I don't like being told what to do and I trust my intuition - and I admit that my intuition can be wrong.. just the bad things that happen along the way to what I know is good... Idk

Yeah I want to try out school @SP - I finished that college course and THEN the pandemic happened.. Even though I have an incredible amount of uncertainty, I still want to go to school (Even if I can drop out and somehow become successful with the knowledge that I've learned/strategies to learning). When I was put on the disability for schiz, doctors said that I could use the money to pay for the meds and go to school (That was the whole idea - Until I screwed up with the things I was buying online).

I won't microdose anymore.. I'll figure things out...

On the one hand I wish I had a job, and on the other, I'm glad I don't. How does that work?