Roll Call 193

Feeling horrible but hopeful

I slept from 5am-8pm yesterday.
And today I’ve slept from about 3am to now which is 7am.
(CW : ALCOHOL) I woke up from a dream where I started my high school days with sipping Rosé. I’ve never even had Rosé, but I really liked it in my dreams. (/CW)
I’ve kind of decided that my days aren’t going to dictated by if things work out with my ex or not, or based on if he’s had a bad day or not. I have my own autonomy and problems just like everybody else. There’s a chance we won’t work out again anyway. I told my brother last night that if he hurts me again that I am not forgiving him. Ever. And I mean it.
Also, love that I called my psychiatrist last week and I have to wait for about five days to see him. I know that I’ve complained a lot about this, but… seriously? He said if I became manic that if I called in it wouldn’t be an issue. Still don’t know why he can’t up anything while over the phone.

I'm really sorry you can't get your psychiatrist to up something over the phone. That is a really terrible feeling when that happens, when they do that.

Sometimes it has to do with them trying to provide more quality care, though, since sometimes if you up things over the phone, that can cause problems, then you don't know how to address it if problems arise.

I think that's the main reason psychiatrists don't like to do that usually. But it still sucks having to wait. I hear you.

I get your point but my hypochondriac friend has researched it and believes the novovax version is safer than the Pfizer, and the other early vaccines. He's been waiting a long time for it. He's very worried about heart problems and strokes. I'm not encouraging him to take any vaccine except for he needs one to hug me, etc.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

drove out of town to visit a couple friends, north a few hours... so weird to be traveling on my own...

Thank you WastingAsparagus. That does make a lot of sense. I just gotta get through these few days I keep telling myself.

I do have a lot of motivation.. I want to make lists and organize everything more efficiently..

I'm having a problem at work where they want me to work more (I only work 3 days a week). I said I would work 4 days and then the thought about being around them more daunted on me (Not knowing me and making judgements based on what I say because I'm not very self-revealing in work settings).

My moms ex ruined stuff for me. I worked my *** off being his slave for years and only talked to him in isolation. I think going to therapy would help me to ditch the cognitive distortion I have around that..

It makes me suicidal when I'm doing mindless things, like any task.. I want to use my mind to do things - But I'm starting to have doubts that I'm not good enough. If they aren't grateful that I'm working as much as I can, then I think I should find another job. The owner was like "What do you do on your non-work days?" I said "Hiking.." and before I could finish, she laughs... Like yeah.. - No time to even speak while we're working.

No one sees my worth - Not even me. I then start to think, "What's the point of even staying alive - Especially after my parents die? I don't see the point at all except following my intuition. Something that I can't explain during small talk" and no I don't have anything to live and die for - like a ****ing soldier. Surely I'm afraid to die - I don't know what's going to happen after... no one does - Well maybe a few very enlightened.. I imagine that my consciousness will be uploaded to somewhere to escape this simulation and become a God. But either way, if I die, it's not my fault. Even suicide. It's all just ideas. My existence is an idea. Infinity multiplied by infinity - That's all it is. And we're in a capsule.

I can't make eye contact either. I was laughed at of that - But I realized in the situation that it was funny. If I can't, might as well own it yknow.. lol.. I just don't want people to suck away/absorb my soul.

But yeah.. Work is over for the week so I can relax. Me and my mom are going to drive to the city this week because she has her mammogram - But she has a cold.. So idk what's gonna happen. I want to buy jeans at the mall (I don't pay attention to my appearance.. Or anyone else's appearance - If someone were to ask me "Do I look good?" I'd have no idea what to say because all I see is nothing).. But I should try and spend some money on improving.. Being like everyone else.. Although here's the thing..

The world has changed a lot in the past few years. Predicting the future is almost impossible for people, when they live in their own comfortable, isolated bubble. Things are gonna flash by and the more adaptable you are (Which I am NOT at all), they'll be OK - Which is most people. I realize how ****ed up reality is - And how strange.. how unreal things are. The metacognition and pondering meanings of life, universe, people were aware long before me. They'll be OK. I'll be with the homeless people once my parents are gone if meds.. aren't being manufactured (YES, I have a **** load of worries.. There's 1000 more of them floating around in my mind) - My siblings will help me out. I'll have money.

I do want to have some sort of challenge.. But my identity/mind is fragmented. All it is.. is potential, complexity. I am a good person mostly, I'm honest 99%.

Whatever. I don't care.

Just got home from the movie theater, saw Jurassic World: Dominion

Was it good?

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I liked it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sometimes I get into the frame of mind that nothing matters as well. I wanted to say I hear you on that. I sometimes think like all the things I do daily are meaningless. Like what meaning should I ascribe to brushing my teeth or whatever if it's just a means to an end. Like health, perhaps. But I lose sight of the fact that these rote actions are actually helping me stay alive. I think it's hard sometimes to find meaning in the daily trenches of life. But to stay in it, I have to remind myself I have to do things to keep life meaningful. Otherwise I will be pulled out of the current of life. Not trying to sound morbid or anything. That's just the way it works for me.

Yes! This is what I needed to hear =]

Another piece of the puzzle has been put in place.. to my deficient in common sense mind lol..

I've been pretty high strung today - I did everything fast to get it done and over with. Then, when I wanted to do something, my mind buzzes with anxiety.

I drank too much coffee and prolonged the olanzepine and atenolol dose.. So I took those and smoked indica.. Very relaxing (Much more than I thought it would do)..

I drank a little coffee today - well it was actually really potent coffee.

Anyway, I feel like I should be exercising more.

Do you guys think exercising every day is overkill? I keep seeing it out there like it's this good thing to do but I can't get myself to do it unless a doctor or therapist tells me to.

I think with mental illness + your philosophical/thinking/smart mind, it needs relaxing, contemplating times..

But I think over time, exercising becomes automatic and sort of addictive.... You then start to think less (Which can be good for MI? - Whatever works for you.. You can only know by experimenting. We are all unique, sentient beings..)

Sure, 10k years ago, people exercised every single day, catching food and travelling etc..

But we are in the future now.. And that means, getting your muscles massaged by robots while you sit in a pod, controlling factory machines IRL through VR.

But 6/7 days seems like it should be max. You can exercise every day but if the intention is to exercise intensely every day = Always a day that you won't no matter what. So if you shouldn't feel discouraged for missing a day.

People walk and such every day but then get out of the habit and say "I should start doing that again". If intention is 2-3/7 days (Like me), it fits into the schedule. So for a few years I've been doing that..

I tend to do 6 days then 7th day is a rest day, partly I'm doing it to lose weight/get in better shape, and partly because it just makes me feel better mentally when I do exercise

Have my apartment inspection tomorrow morning. A little nervous, but I think going out for a few hours today helped distract me/keep me from obsessing about it the whole day and ramping myself up into a panic attack

Life is just waves. It's all, soothing bipolar waves.. Balanced by good and bad. Yin Yang. I wish I was aware of that - It would have saved a lot of despair and ignorance. Maybe I just didn't have time for myself to relax and think - I was always doing mindless tasks such as school, work + No input from anyone in isolation. I never talked to anyone else really either. The addictions - Those being mindless as well. If I was forced to do something, I automatically didn't enjoy it. Maybe that was the intention to make me like this. Most people weren't taught to think properly.

So I am just to try and feel, be mindful, appreciate. Anhedonia has gotten better. That's what satan wanted.. for some cursed people to give in this way. It's my fault but also my karma - and everyone else's.

It's a huge dance.

I'm not sure what will happen with me (It's like I've always held on - Enduring pain) - So does that matter? Just let go... let goooo... It's all we can do.

It's like falling.. You feel so much pain that your soul sets itself free.. The mercy of God? (Is that why I was told "God doesn't give you anything more than you can't handle?") Idk much about religoin.. - Again, falling..

So much fear.. So much love..

All movies, songs, books.. The story lines, meanings, beginnings/ends.. Where, how, why, when.. And for me, I missed it all. I was blind. THE BLIND MAN CAN SEE.. Miracles.. It's always impossible until it's done. Lol..

When you're young, you're not as wise/knowledgable.. You care what people think. I remember sitting with my dad at a camp fire hosted by a pharmacist/pastor.. We were talking and I would hesitate some things and he explained that to me.. When you're older, you don't give a **** what people think" - That's comfort.. but it's also denial, ego, inability to admit being wrong.. Forcing your ideas on people.. It's all energy, rotating in space. My dad later said "I can't believe you - Talking to that smart guy. You're OK".

If people could just be alone.. Even with their thoughts, be curious and amazed, to love the self... You can just vibe and have experiences that you can tell people who are willing to listen.. Or just tell no one - Loneliness, so then.. You can find someone that relates which is a good feeling. And this;

The whole of life is like this. For eternity and beyond. Nothing is ever the same - Only in relation to something else. Forever changing.

"In Cloninger's model of psychobiology, novelty seeking (NS) is an inherited, unlearned, temperamental bias toward novel signals from the environment. It can be measured along a spectrum from low to high (as with 3 other temperamental domains) and when toward the upper end of the spectrum, it is associated with higher exploratory activity, need for higher levels of baseline stimulation, impulsive decision making, extravagance in approach to reward cues, quick temperedness, low tolerance for frustration, impulsivity, and proneness to addiction"

"Levels of self-transcendence in particular were found to be associated with severity of psychotic symptoms in people with bipolar disorder. This accords with previous research findings linking self-transcendence to delusions and mania."

"Cloninger has referred to the specific combination of high self-transcendence, low cooperativeness, and low self-directedness as a "schizotypal personality style". Low cooperativeness and self-directedness combined with high self-transcendence may result in openness to odd or unusual ideas and behaviours associated with distorted perceptions of reality. On the other hand, high levels of cooperativeness and self-directedness may protect against the schizotypal tendencies associated with high self-transcendence"

"The authors suggested that this finding accords with previous studies finding that spirituality in people with schizophrenia is associated with better adjustment to illness."

Ah God I can't even get into this right now... I'll keep it on my mind. But it did help to understand a lot of things..

3 more days until Mustachios spay surgery. Hoping it’s not too difficult to get her in her carrier Thursday morning

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m gonna try to get enrolled back in college part time for the upcoming fall semester. Tuition is due by august 5th and classes start August 29th. I’m just gonna take 1 class at a time for now until I figure out how I do with it and part-time work once I’m working so I don’t overwhelm myself all at once. If I can handle that then maybe in the following semester I’ll take two classes.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Inspection went well

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Yeah! I am so glad it went well. I know you worry about those!