Roll Call 193

Hopefully your next job will be one that you like! + Enjoy the time off while you can =]

I just wish freelancing wasn't so hard. Otherwise I'd do that full time but I don't even know where to start. Like I've worked on it for at least a year or so, and I still feel lost as to where to start.

My sister just dropped off a gift wrapped bottle of wine. Not sure if I'm having any tonight. I'm kind of full from the takeout and don't feel like drinking much of anything. Will probably wait till I get home from the movie theater tomorrow night and then have some.

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Okay I'm having a small glass to end the night. I had a hell of a time opening the bottle since I don't have a wine corkscrew opener. So I used a knife, not ideal at all lol when it came out wine splashed all over me

God I feel so sad and alone. I cut off communication with every soul in my life except my family (Although I don't say much) and my cat.

I'll start the chemistry course when I feel better/get meds adjusted - I think it's a really good thing to do and will make me feel a sense of accomplishment.

My mom reminded me today to do it.. I just need reminders sometimes. I don't have strength right now to motivate myself.

I thought about getting an online therapist - But I'll start posting more around this website or reddit about my mentals.

I am insanely tired this morning - got up at 2:30 am again (not intentionally either).

Stash's appointment to get spayed, get her shots, etc all that is on the 16th, so glad it's almost here

I feel a little more lucid after two cups of strong coffee.

I am wondering if I'm just kidding myself trying to start a business or whether it's really worth doing. I know the benefits could be good, as I'd have things to do, etc. Meaning in life, etc. I do have to face the negative thoughts about myself fairly often though (i.e., every day). But I don't know. I think I can do it.

I hope you get some better sleep soon. Not being able to sleep well sucks


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Going to the movie theater around 4:30pm. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours and seeing my friend

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I started feeling really good before I went to bed. Work this morning was okay too.

Happy Birthday, Blue-_Bird !!!!!!!!! I hope it will be good!

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ive been around drugs at work. most of my coworkers are on drugs bad. its hard for me to stay away from that, but that's what ive been doing. it would be so easy to say, hey, lemme get uhhh ____ and that'd be that. i think my therapist is freaked out by that too.

For me, it's better as I got older. Apparently most people grow out of it as they get older.

Starting substances being instant for me (Online - Hundreds of times). I eventually started buy and then would cancel the order out of guilt (Dozens of times), then it was ordering and letting my mom know what I've ordered so she can dispose (Few times) And then it was only psychs, stuff like that... Psychosis drugs. But I've made a decision to give psychiatrist more control since yesterday.

Being honest is good too - I let my treatment team know everything from beginning to now.. My 2016 trip was so scary that I got scared straight (I let the treatment team know this too - Cuz it's true). I take the benzo and stim meds 95% as prescribed for a few years now.

The problem for me is that I'm obsessed.. U are not I don't think.. You'll be OK - The problems.. Of life, mental illness etc.. are difficult af. All things in moderation - Not hungry ghost realm <3

But yeah it is hard to be around people like that/tempted.. I think it would be annoying too. Love not drugs.. lol. But here in Canada, almost decriminalization cuz the opioid OD's are out-of-control. All of these situations are why I hate THEM (People that controlled all of the US presidents etc..)..

Yeah I'm gonna stop coffee after 5 pm I think.

It's crazy that it's only about 5 pm where I live. Seems like I've been up forever (truth is, I have).

Is the modafinil helping

Just got home, enjoyed the movie

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Going to see the new Jurassic movie next week

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I'm so horribly confused I give up lol

Edit: I'll swallow the olanzepine.. that I don't want to take

Edit: I'm afraid of the 45 degree angle infinitely going down since 2012 (My first psychosis).

Edit: Medications don't even make sense

I'm OK with going to heaven.. The Summer of 2017 MDMA (When I was censored here), it showed me energies. Of a dream world. Emotional. After such a long time of anhedonia.

I have to heal properly. I feel damned by everything though. Everything I touch falls apart.

Everyone's just trying to stay sane.. and hold on (But I don't think that way of thinking is going to get me anywhere).

I think so. I am possibly going down to 10 mg olanzapine and to 200 mg modafinil. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am seeing my old pdoc tomorrow. And I am trying to see a different therapist. Again, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I probably should not see the old pdoc. That is why I am kind of panicking right now.

I didn't take the olanzepine yet! It's a good med.. Keep taking it for now.