Roll Call 193

Looks amazing bluebird!

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Looks awesome, Blue_Bird!

Thank you! I'm proud of myself because I normally get shaky when I'm close to people like the dentist, a piercer, doctor, etc. And going into a new place to me is very anxiety inducing. But I did it! They were very nice. I was in and out in literally 5 minutes. They had me fill out a piece of paperwork, show my ID, did the piercing(barely a pinch, didn't even make me jump) and it was quick , then they cleaned it thoroughly then I paid and gave the piercer a tip and they gave me an after care instruction sheet to take home. Nostril piercings take 6 months to 1 year to heal

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Mannnnnn I'm out of it

So tired today...

I am stressed out because my parents are away this weekend which means I will be home alone. They left this morning and will be back at 2 or 3 ish on Sunday. Sigh. That's a long time to be by myself.

Can you post here over the weekend? I know you typically don’t but it might help.

Yeah maybe.

I made it to work 10 minutes early to sit and drink coffee. I swallowed a microdose and stim - Felt impatient throughout the morning (Which I'm sure would happen anyways like yesterday at work).. I managed to listen to a podcast about reincarnation and felt better about that.

Now I get to relax.. I feel relaxed enough to not smoke weed or drink rum.

I feel guilty that my psychiatrist didn't directly say that I could take two Dexedrine spansules instead of one (He just told the pharmacist).. So idk if I could get in trouble - Seems like grey area thing and idk.. It does help now that I've built tolerance to the side effects. I hope that I don't get in trouble before I ask for 20mg instead of 30mg.

I plan to read some of the books I've been procrastinating.. Have to update a few corruption videos - The whole world is on edge with the war thing. I don't think anyone is really in control of this escalation (I hope that deep state/globalists ARE in control at this point).

I wish for you all to feel better soon/continue to!.. Careful of that brit coke unsure it's no good - too cut lol

I'm very grateful to be in the situation I'm in. Not much is wrong right now.

I just feel like I don't deserve anything.

On the other hand, I can't think like that. Just need to think positively.

So bored at work today. Have about an hour and 20 minutes left I guess. But I know I don't want my work day to be over either because then I will be home alone. This sucks.

You deserve happiness we all do…

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Is there something positive you can do at home? Order a nice meal, take a relaxing bath, create some art etc.

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When I get off of work, I have to go to the bank, the pharmacy, and the grocery store. Then I will go home and lock the gate and play with my kitties and my mom's dog and feed them. I plan on picking up some fried chicken and potato salad from the grocery store so I will have that for dinner and then watch TV. I have to be up early tomorrow to go get my labs done (blood work) and do my Zoom class. So I need to go to bed early. I am going to let my Mom's dog sleep with me. My Helen will sleep with me for about an hour and then she goes off and does whatever she does all night. My Mom's dog sleeps in a kennel usually but with my parents gone she will be whiny and I will want the company. At least I have something to do tonight, I just don't want to be by myself. I am being ridiculous and I know it. I just can't help it.

Anxiety....ack!!!

So many people were not at work today, including my work friend. Then the NY bosses left early, so the building is eerily empty. It feels strange being in a basically empty building. There is an engineer upstairs but I am the only one downstairs! At least it is almost time to go home. It is kind of freaking me out. Like hallucinations and stuff. I hate that.

Hugs SK

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That’s a lot to do…

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I ate a lot of sugar. That's what happens without weed or rum. I can't escape lol..

Will have a sugar crash

The room is spinning...

Dude sugar crash is not a big deal….

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I had a reasonably good day today. Took a really long nap which was nice because I woke up at 2:45 am this morning.

My complaints of tiredness forever echo throughout the universe. I rested for a bit then drank evening coffee - A good amount of motivation..

The sugar crash can be a big deal - Combined with thoughts of continually self-dopamine button pressing. Gaining weight, low energy, pre-diabetes. And not sticking to diet, failing every time. A great sense of failure. Even though I didn't use any drugs and that people have been conditioned in society to not care about that.

It will happen on olanzepine + All of these APs, SP. And it will happen soon. With all of the thoughts, pushing with everything I've got - Will I make it?

Maybe I'm just not very detail orientated - My feeling of things = Big picture. But my thoughts focus on one small thing, and magnify it. Sorry if I'm being annoying.

If I don't have a sense that I'm going to get off of the AP's in the next few years - Or if my psychiatrist tries to control me, I will stop cold turkey. The only reason I'm staying on them is cuz of the stimulant.

I need to also learn how to make better decisions.

Even though I always feel misunderstood, I'll say that when I'm not, I feel an improvement in self-esteem - It doesn't last but I'll keep trying.

I also microdose out of desperation to increase neuroplasticity (Along with nutrition/fasting), sleeping well, exercise, learning, spirituality, meditation.. It's because I know what works. And my intuition has gotten me this far so I'll continue.

Any more criticisms are welcome.

I feel like my psychiatrist tries to control me occasionally. That's why I'm switching back to my old psychiatrist. Anyway. I know I go around with psychiatrists a lot, but I truly feel like my old one got me well enough to prescribe meds and listen to me. That's the key. If they listen to you, they're good.

I don't know if this relates to what you posted Desoxyn, but that's how I feel about this particular thing.