Roll Call 194

I feel really dissociated today.

I hope you feel better SK

So the volunteer thing is actually going to be a position. Like I'm going to be doing it regularly every week for whatever amount of hours and schedule we come up with that works for me. It's not going to be a one time event. Not sure what they have available or what they need help with but hopefully they have something that works for me. As long as it's not cooking meals or serving them, I tried that before and it was extremely stressful. Hopefully I can get something like sorting donations or doing dishes, something along those lines

Going grocery shopping tomorrow. First time going to the actual grocery store in over a month. Need to get some healthy stuff. Then after I get home and put that stuff away I'm going to walk to Family Dollar to buy some household necessities. Then I have some cleaning to do.

SP, I'm reading think like a monk and a really enjoying it, it's exactly what I was looking for, thanks for the suggestion



It's going to be difficult adjusting to a regular schedule with volunteering, but it should be good for me and will give me more purpose in life.

Saw my doctor a little while ago. Test results look better than what they were when I had COVID. I’m more or less my normal (which involves my liver numbers are off still). But they’re better because I’ve been eating better and not drinking alcohol.

Psychiatrist recommends I stay away from alcohol altogether. Also to up my lithium slightly. If I’m feeling off still maybe add a escitalopram or Wellbutrin but we’ll see.

Both the psychiatrist and my doctor said I should exercise. Help me lose weight. Lower my blood pressure (it’s a little high). Help with my liver probably. And help my mood of course. I just have to get the motivation to do it. Just do it, right?? Yeah.

I mentioned to the doctor about how I was having those sort of background thoughts about going off my meds to hear secret messages again. I don’t listen to the thoughts but they’re annoying. He said that might be because my lithium was decreased so hopefully with increasing it slightly will help.

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I’m so glad!

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I am doing a little better. Seeing a T again tomorrow, luckily. It's not at the same practice as the one I discontinued with. I was discharged from their practice for cancelling too many times. I know people have boundaries, but sheesh. I felt disappointed but honestly it was too close for comfort to just switch to another therapist at the same clinic. These feelings are so complicated. I wish that whole experience didn't happen but I know I just have to radically accept what happened and move on because it doesn't serve me to reflect so much on the past unless it's helpful.

Anyway, I've been upping my meditation lately. It hasn't really helped. I haven't found anything that really helps these feelings except the 15 mg olanzapine.

This might be a sign of manic rage... I revert to comedy specials when I feel this amount of anger. Have you seen any good comedy specials, netflix is having a comedy special renaissance the past couple of years. I remember SP telling me comedy helped her and it really helps me swallow my anger for the short term, until a med change happens.

Bluebird, youre a good person, and the world needs good people like you, and you've survive like hell, and find beautiful in little things, and that's beautiful

I have to up the triliptal to 2400mgs tonight, in hope it will help me sleep. The blood pressure medication helps a little, but since I'm getting off my benzo, i need all the help i can get. I'm skeptical it's mood related though. Pdoc thinks its bipolar effects, but I believe it's ptsd related. I'm in permanent fight or flight mode, so I'm in survival mode.

The two good night's rest I've had were both due to having a covid shot that day hahahaha, so I've been thinking I shold line up to get a covid shot every day, but I'd have too many track marks on my arms, but if they shot me in the toes, know body would know... Haha, jk jk! Too dark. lol

Thank you, I haven’t watched comedy in a long time. That might be helpful , I’ll see what they have. I have both Netflix and Amazon Prime now

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Thank you so much Job, that’s really kind of you to say. I hope to start contributing to this world and find more purpose, so I’m definitely looking forward to volunteering and going back to college. I often feel like a failure due to being 28 and not being done with my associates degree and being on SSI due to the schizoaffective/bipolar, and doing really stupid reckless dumb things in the past. And continually screwing up with school due to stress triggering symptoms and not being able to handle it mentally. But I’m hoping starting to volunteer helps me ease into things and maybe once I’ve done that for a few months I’ll be able to handle school. My psychiatrist doesn’t think I should be in school right now due to how unwell I ended up several times in the past while in it, she doesn’t want me to mess up my progress and I agree with her but I think I will be ready by the spring semester.

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Hope you get some sleep. I struggle with sleep a lot too. I’m also on trileptal. Whenever my sleep gets extremely bad to the point of not sleeping or barely sleeping for a week or longer my doctor generally increases my Thorazine

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Sorry it’s not helping, I hope you can figure out something that helps.

Meditation is good. I’m trying to do it more. I used to meditate for an hour a day everyday. But I can barely do it for 5 minutes now

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I have to work in the office two days a week because I had made a couple mistakes. Been going on since May Mondays and Wednesdays in the office. Most of the time I’m the only one in my department there. My boss hardly shows up. No one else I work with has to work in the office.

I don’t like Mondays or Wednesdays working in the office. I’m in the office and it feels so isolating even more than sitting at home. I don’t know if that makes sense. At least if I’m at home I know we’re all at home. I feel like I’m just being punished. If the point was to supervise me I don’t understand how having me sitting by myself in the office helps accomplish that.

Plus when I’m at home I have my dog I can pet and my mom to talk to. At the office I’m just there. I sit there and work and listen to music. Yesterday I didn’t even take my earphones out of my ears. I didn’t talk to anyone at all. For the whole day.

Not that I would go and sit and have lunch with anyone at work because COVID but man it’s just… idk.

I have a meeting with my boss on Tuesday I might bring it up. My boss said she would evaluate after a while. I’ll do whatever the boss says but I just feel down about it. I cry at my desk sometimes tbh a little bit.

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I feel your pain, just in a different way. I live alone and I am often just by myself all day. I get so isolated. It's bad. I wish I had more activities to do (or a job) but it's too hard for me to work now because of my depression. I wish I had a part-time job or something though.

Thanks Blue_Bird, I truly appreciate it!

I do love meditation. And sometimes 5 minutes is enough as well.

Honestly just reading back over my post made me want to move back in with my parents... Just reflecting.

Just a thought Blue_Bird, but maybe school will be somewhere where you can meet some new friends! I remember when I was in college (less so now that I'm doing a master's and only working on a thesis), I would try to talk to people some. It's definitely nerve-wracking to try to talk to people at college, but I'd say it's worth it. Maybe you could make a few friends there if you do decide to go.

Yes that's true, it would be good to have some friends. I don't know many people. Going to college in person would probably be a better idea than taking online classes. I went in person several times, some semesters it went really well. Others, well you know, stress kind of set me off. But I think volunteering regularly for a few months will get me used to being around people again so I will be prepared for when the spring semester starts.

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I feel weird tonight. Like the sense that my meds are poisoning me, that someone got in my apartment and put something in them. That feeling in my veins. I know it's not likely but it always scares me when I feel like this.

I am on the verge of a panic attack. Trying to distract myself.

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I had no caffeine today so I don't know why I feel like this.

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Sometimes with me if I cold-turkey caffeine (depending on how much I was having before), I get anxious. Not saying go have a cup of coffee, but maybe like a green tea or something? Just a thought.