Roll Call 194

It gets me thinking about things. Like how normal people feel. When you realize things.

Normal people don’t bury their feelings in a bunch of alcohol.

Normal people don’t worry about how many calories they eat.

Normal people don’t have obsessive rituals they have to follow.

Normal people don’t worry if people are stealing their thoughts.

Normal people don’t hurt themselves to express their anguish.

All these things and worries and going on medication and feeling those feelings go away make me realize that these things aren’t normal. Before medication I was a wreck and I thought like the cartoon ‘this is fine’ when it really wasn’t.

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For me when I had some amount of transference it was a sign I was ready to start dating….we’re talking at mid thirties here but prior to that I was asexual….Meds and therapy changed that. Anyway if you don’t have a significant other I feel like you’re more likely to get transference but it’s still possible to get while in a relationship just less so.

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While we don’t have the same issues I know what a you mean about realizing certain things were never normal…thing is certain things I’d miss.

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Thanks, I ended up just pushing through it last night and went to bed early because I was really tired. Might have a small single caffeinated coffee today

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While I was grocery shopping today I picked up some extra cat treats and a cat toy that can be filled with catnip. It came with a small tube of catnip that you can use to refill it a few times. They like it a lot.

Also after I checked out the cashier gave me a free full sized chocolate bar and a packet of sunflower butter. They were giving them to everyone who checked out today. I had no idea so it was a nice little surprise.

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Here it is

I feel needy today. I’m trying to chat with friends and my sister and my mom and everyone is so busy with work and errands and I feel like talking and I need attention.

I hate getting this way I feel like I look desperate for attention. I don’t know what to talk about I just feel like I need human contact.

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Are you working from home today? Human contact was essential for me to heal, even if most of it was online.

Yeah I’m working from home. My mom had to go run some errands and everyone else is busy working. Hard time to talk to people even online during the day because well work lol.

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Now I’m annoyed. I got a letter from the cancer section of our healthcare all ‘we sent you a cervical cancer screening test and encourage you to use it’ and I never got anything. And there’s no one to contact about ‘getting a replacement’ so I have to go see my doctor again in two weeks (I just saw him yesterday) so I can get a referral to a gyno doc so I can have one. I could get my family doctor to do it but I just don’t feel that comfortable having him do it.

Like I completely trust him but I just don’t feel like having him do it. I talk to him about everything but I feel I wouldn’t be able to talk to him again if he does it? I make no sense. I’d just rather a gyno doc do it that way it’s just that and nothing else.

But I guess it’ll be good to have a two week check in with my doctor while I’m there for the referral. Adjusting my lithium could use a check in. I like talking to my doctor. I just don’t want him poking around my vagina lmao.

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Yeah one of the reasons I like working from work is having a few minutes here and there to talk to people whether they’re patrons or coworkers. I feel like Covid altered a lot of life balance.

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Making lasagna rolls…and by making I mean heating in the oven from frozen…takes 70 minutes!

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Bought myself some sunflowers this week. Sometimes I crave certain flowers the way people crave food.

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Even before the pandemic when I was working in the office full time I could go a whole week at work without talking to anyone in person just due to the nature of the work and how I didn’t really have any friends around.

I just feel like talking and talking today lol.

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Yeah I feel the same. I have a primary doctor and he's great and all but when he said I needed to schedule a pap test and said he could do it at his office or he could refer me to someone else to do it if I was more comfortable with that and I'm like yes definitely refer me to someone else. I would feel very awkward if he did it and extremely awkward talking to him afterward.

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See! I’m not alone. You get it. It’s just like I feel very awkward about it and I don’t want to go there with my doctor. Get me a doc who does this a million times a day and I only talk to about my vag that’s fine.

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Loving this book I'm reading. A lot of my anxiety comes from being too attached to things in life, material things, life itself, etc. I like the practice of being detached from things and seeing everything as temporary, life itself is temporary, material things are temporary, feelings are temporary, etc Trying to stop holding on to them so much and fearing losing them, losing life, and whatever just makes me really anxious I guess

I meditated in silence for 5 minutes today. Not much but it's a start

I almost always have music or shows or anything playing in the background because I hate being alone with my thoughts, but I did that in silence

I don't feel great though, I feel like there are chemicals in my veins killing me, it's like my brain is melting.

I'm going to try to sleep soon

Reminds me of the stoics to some extent…

I think I damaged my brain somehow when I was 18 and drank 2 small bottles of dxm cough syrup. I had the most horrific experience of my life. It gives me panic attacks just thinking about it

I was very stupid when I was younger and did dumb things like that

I am skittish now like my cat

You did it for a reason - A reason we here won't judge.. And it caused even more trauma!.. The memory... Dissociating away from it, uncontrollably.

There will be massive progress in mental health happening in 5-10 years. I can't even imagine if I'll be alive in 1-2 years..

To heal, BB. That is the plan.

I drank two large bottles (While on high dose Prozac - Should have caused serotonin syndrome and killed me) - I stared into the abyss, "Hey... I know the meaning of the universe - But no one will believe me..". It was a horrible time.. I was 17 - (Obviously didn't help with prodromal schizophrenia).

I was worse in terms of stupidity.. I went all in on stuff like that. I was chasing a high in an absolutely horrible existence - But it helped.. I could eventually help out the world with a field of profession - But I'm no genius like Alexander Shulgin, Rick Doblin etc..

There's no brain damage - It just needs to be reset. The tools are coming. Don't ever give up. I believe in you..

I was watching "How to Change Your Mind" (Michael Pollen) on Netflix (About LSD, psilocybin, MDMA etc) with my mom.. My dad was watching too.

The world changes, like a rhythmic, spiritual pattern of good and evil.. You have great fears.. And if I had magic powers, I'd eliminate them. Love is all we need.

With time.. Things will definitely get better. We just have to increase our quality of life for the time being - Even forget when not feeling any pain, and live for moments - Or good amounts of time..

Thank you desoxyn

Yeah it was scary. I blacked out and when I sort of came to I couldn't understand my thoughts and couldn't speak, I was trying to ask someone to call an ambulance but I was alone in my room and couldn't speak the right words anyway and was hallucinating a person there with me, I kept passing in and out then eventually I was able to understand where I was but couldn't stand up. I was scared to death that I'd die but was too embarrassed to wake my mom up to call an ambulance so I just spent the whole night praying I wouldn't die, not able to walk the whole night and I just laid in bed the whole next day and pretended I was just tired or something when my mom asked what I was doing. Didn't even mention it to her until years after it happened. Was high for a few days after that and felt very strange for over a week.

I had messed around with getting high on it a few times and had enjoyed it so I thought **** it I have two bottles here let's take all of it for fun, should be even better. I was not in my right mind that do something so reckless. Even I should have known that was a stupid idea and could be dangerous. But I just went ahead and did it without thinking twice about it.



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The good thing that came from it though is that I appreciate life a lot more since then and I also stopped experimenting with stuff and also didn't progress to doing anything worse