Roll Call 198

Blue_Bird · Feb 23, 2023, 08:04 PM

But anyway, I think creating goals is great. It's always good to have something to strive for in various areas of our lives, just take your time and you will get there

Also it's completely okay to not have goals for awhile as well, if you need a break or are content/happy with things in your life

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Desoxyn · Feb 23, 2023, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

You don't have to stop talking if you feel like posting. I'm always here to listen and give support when Im able to. As for the video chat people that is very traumatizing. When I was 13 years old I was on a forum and people could anonymously leave private messages. Someone kept sending me messages harassing me literally telling me to kill myself, to commit suicide, over and over. I ended up attempting suicide at 14. That wasn't the only reason, I was already struggling mentally and with my environment. But I told the mods and they did nothing about it. It really hurt a lot. Some people are just cruel and I'm sorry you had to deal with that

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I'm so sorry BB.. That happened to me as well. I went onto a depression chat, and the owner (Out of all people) would leave a message (Every time I entered), "Gay and autistic - Kill yourself" (In all caps), and I kept going in (Because I thought that it wouldn't bother me - And that I was stronger than that), but it happened like 100 times - To the point of it being disturbing. I was 16.. Around that time, I attempted too.

But thx for the supportive words ^-

Desoxyn · Feb 23, 2023, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

But anyway, I think creating goals is great. It's always good to have something to strive for in various areas of our lives, just take your time and you will get there

Also it's completely okay to not have goals for awhile as well, if you need a break or are content/happy with things in your life

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That's good advice.. I needed to hear that.. thanks..

cogladaid · Feb 24, 2023, 02:01 PM

I feel like I ate too much. But I know it’s not bad. Ugh I’m just so torn in my mind.

I ate some meatballs with marinara, then a bowl of taco dip with chips.

I feel so full and I hate it.

I ate a burger and 1/2 a bowl of sweet potato fries last night.

Now this. I still have to eat dinner.

I just don’t know.

Edit:

Posted from somewhere else I was posting in:

Like again it’s not even about losing weight anymore. I haven’t lost weight lately. I’m stuck. And I just don’t want to eat and then I eat and I hate it and then I try to convince myself it’s okay because my doctor and family would be happy that I ate. Then I eat one meal a day next thing you know.

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Blue_Bird · Feb 24, 2023, 02:12 PM

The prior authorization for my crown replacement was approved. The one being redone is 7 years old and according to my dentist needs to be replaced/ recemented. They called me and left a voicemail telling me to schedule an appointment since it was approved, so I called and left a message saying I was ready to set up an appointment. Now I'm waiting on them to call back.

Also got a foodstamp recertification thing I had to fill out. I still qualify but it still makes me nervous, I have a phone interview with them on the 23rd of March. Have to mail out the recertification paperwork filled out back to them first.

Sometimes psychotic · Feb 24, 2023, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I'm so sorry BB.. That happened to me as well. I went onto a depression chat, and the owner (Out of all people) would leave a message (Every time I entered), "Gay and autistic - Kill yourself" (In all caps), and I kept going in (Because I thought that it wouldn't bother me - And that I was stronger than that), but it happened like 100 times - To the point of it being disturbing. I was 16.. Around that time, I attempted too.

But thx for the supportive words ^-

I just read an article about such a website that specifically targets people with disabilities in that way….there are some dark places out there

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Desoxyn · Feb 25, 2023, 03:02 PM

What is even wrong with me? Depression?

I thought I had/was diagnosed with OCD, and then told I have/was diagnosed with schizophrenia...

But I have a low mood disorder.. and have been hypomanic. I have trauma. And dissociation from drugs. I respond well to stimulants.

I'm very aloof IRL.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a good day =]

cogladaid · Feb 25, 2023, 05:02 PM

Ive been okay today. Had a massage. Had Starbucks. Did a bit of grocery shopping. Ate some meatballs and spaghetti for lunch. I’m making a lamb and goat curry for dinner.

Going to see the new Ant Man movie tomorrow with my sister. Going to have a Coke Zero and popcorn with it. Then go home and I’ll make Korean tofu stew.

I have next week all planned for meals. I’m enjoying cooking and meal planning.

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WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:25 PM

Hey everyone sorry for the hiatus. I am doing fine. Just realizing that Abilify is not for me. So I am going to stop taking it and revert back to the meds my U.S. psychiatrist had me on. Anyway, it's not like I'm not following a pdoc's advice, just reverting back to what my doc in the U.S. wanted me on anyway. So that's that. Anyway. I need some support around that. It's been really hard lately (stress). (Stress) is destroying me it feels.

WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Looks good! If it's useful (For what you need to do) - That's good.. I'm really confused, and would like to have less "systematic chaos" - And more clear organization... And for it to be fun to do as well =]

I've been asking "ChatGPT" (My therapist) a lot of questions.. I'm not used to being this clear minded, focused, motivated etc... Improvement happens every day, just got to get used to it..

And the way people make use of things, create etc.. That no one is the same/are unique and not one thing works for every person - So I just need to alter any systems according to what I need..

There's just a lot of time I've wasted (Lately, it's been on the news/corruption, social media FOMO stuff - Which is what I needed.... I trusted that intuition..). Just way too many things, exploring I've done. And I think I get the message..

I remember being in the "Independent living unit" in the psych ward.. and I couldn't make goals (It was impossible) - I was just too young and inexperienced, isolated. I'm trying my best not to isolate myself from everyone - And..

.. In the past, I was a real hedonic.. The memories I have - Underneath, was despair, but funny.. I don't want to just think that I'm fine right now (Cuz negative thoughts could happen at any time - I'm really sensitive to them) + Paranoia, OCD etc.. But as long as I'm in the present, and to know that I'm okay (And can take on all of the doubt, uncertainty, shock, etc), things will be fine... Idk. I'll figure it out.

My dad really helps and supports me (+ The rest of my family) - I'm just bothered by a lot of things that need to be solved. I know I'm kind of all over the place, been criticized by those video chat people (While in DPDR) - And so much information.. I'll just try, my best.. No suicidal thoughts (Like last night or the night before) - The main thing I'm going to try and do is meditation, learning about spiritual things..

You've got this Desoxyn!

WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:32 PM

Got to figure out what to eat for dinner tonight. Ugh. Eating has been a struggle for me lately. Just figuring it out is exhausting. I sometimes just have oatmeal or yogurt for dinner.

WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:34 PM

Also I've been socializing or trying to do so a lot lately and I am just utterly exhausted.

WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:38 PM

The only thing I really look forward to right now is a cup of black coffee that I'll make myself tonight. I don't know why it seems so exciting. Maybe just to get rid of some of the anhedonia?

WastingAsparagus · Feb 25, 2023, 06:41 PM

Sorry for the excess of posts, but I also was going to do this mindfulness diploma thing at my university down here. Turns out the director wanted to talk to my psychiatrist to make sure I was like fit to do it, you know? I still haven't heard from the director even though we talked like two weeks ago. It is just silly, I feel like giving up on the whole thing. They're literally making me feel worse about myself by acting like I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Sometimes psychotic · Feb 25, 2023, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

Hey everyone sorry for the hiatus. I am doing fine. Just realizing that Abilify is not for me. So I am going to stop taking it and revert back to the meds my U.S. psychiatrist had me on. Anyway, it's not like I'm not following a pdoc's advice, just reverting back to what my doc in the U.S. wanted me on anyway. So that's that. Anyway. I need some support around that. It's been really hard lately (stress). (Stress) is destroying me it feels.

Hug’s WA….meds are rough but staying on a particular med that works is for the best.

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WastingAsparagus · Feb 26, 2023, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Hug’s WA….meds are rough but staying on a particular med that works is for the best.

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Thanks, yeah you're right for sure.

Abilify has helped me over the years.

I just think I was freaking out because I was still seeing my therapist in the USA.

I am going to find a therapist down here now.

Blue_Bird · Feb 26, 2023, 01:55 PM

I went to my friend's house today. Spent a few hours there. We played the Starwars tabletop rpg game which took a couple hours (I won) then two rounds of the digimon TCG (he won both rounds of Digimon) He gave me a huge case of like tons and tons of paint specified to use for miniture painting (the little plastic figures that come with some tabletop games) , he got a bunch of new ones and didn't need those anymore so he offered them to me, which is exciting because I've been wanting to get into painting my miniatures in the Descent game. He showed me some tips and tricks for painting them last time we hung out. The paints he gave me are open but there's still a lot of paint in every bottle. There are also a lot of bottles of different tints and stuff too to add to them. He got a new set so he didn't need those anymore.

It was fun to hang out, been a few months since we hung out since he wasn't feeling well/was depressed for some time

Next time we hang out we're gonna play some dungeons and dragons

Desoxyn · Feb 26, 2023, 03:08 PM

Since I haven't drank any alcohol in over a month, my mom isn't drinking anymore (For now). It's good =]

I woke up crying cuz of super strange (But really beautiful) dreams, my dad dying (In the dream) etc.. Such a really deep, deep sadness...

I remember my dad would make my little sister cry, "One day you will have to bury me in the ground" or when he was leaving to some different country (to work), he'd say sad things and make us cry on purpose at the airport lol...

Desoxyn · Feb 26, 2023, 03:17 PM

Basically.. what the main dream was about... Is that everyone is "completely crazy" (Like my dad), and we'll eventually wake up (When we die), and everything will be okay.. It was just a dream, but so is this.. (For me).

Cuz I remember my dad saying, "Before I die, I want to look back and say, what a ride".. And also, "I'm going to wake up and this will all just be a dream".

My mom also finds him very similar to John McAfee, to a disturbing degree.

Desoxyn · Feb 26, 2023, 04:22 PM

Sorry.. enough of this nonsense. I need to make goals...

Blue_Bird · Feb 26, 2023, 05:33 PM

I put in an application today for volunteering with Kitten Angels a volunteer program that helps Petsmart with adoption paperwork, helping out at adoption events, taking care of the cats there, etc.

Desoxyn · Feb 26, 2023, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I put in an application today for volunteering with Kitten Angels a volunteer program that helps Petsmart with adoption paperwork, helping out at adoption events, taking care of the cats there, etc.

That's too cute. Stop lol

That would be a really cool, therapeutic experience.

Blue_Bird · Feb 26, 2023, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

That's too cute. Stop lol

That would be a really cool, therapeutic experience.

Yeah my therapist mentioned it because she thought it could be a good fit for me since I've been trying to find volunteer work and she knows I have cats/ and love cats.

So I am really hoping to hear back from them soon. It's on the city bus route so I will be able to get there and back easily. It's too far to walk. But I think it would be awesome. They also provide training if you want to learn how to do the adoption process with someone coming in to adopt. Like the interview with them to see if they qualify to adopt a kitten.

cogladaid · Feb 26, 2023, 05:55 PM

I went saw the new Ant Man movie with my sister today. Movie was okay (not my favorite) but I was annoyed the whole time because I could tell the audio was a split second off the video, and a row down and over to the right (within my field of vision) this kid kept playing games on his phone.

Anyway, I drank a giant Coke Zero and ate a bunch of popcorn.

Came home and made Korean tofu stew (ate it with rice, and some side dishes - fried squid, pickled radish, and seaweed salad). Really good. I’m apparently really good at making stews and curries.

Back to work tomorrow. Leftovers for dinner.

I feel kind of normal today. I didn’t worry so much about food and what I’m eating. Just enjoyed it.

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Desoxyn · Feb 26, 2023, 06:52 PM

Not sure what I will do.. But I choose life, as for we die - And must make it count, pleasantly for ourselves... and those around.

Some people have access to the astral realm (Schiz?).. Just don't be scared.. The only thing behind fear is more fear;

"A Google hog pile can be confusing, but in this instance it is spot on. The opposite of fear is acceptance, which leads to curiosity, which leads to a sense of understanding, which leads to feelings of safety, trust, and finally, love."

That's it. I have a key.. An undeveloped key.. With growth, like a house plant.. I drink enough water, soak up the nutrients etc - That's all I'm trying to do.

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