Roll Call 198

So much on my mind it’s hard to sleep tonight.

Big thing is tomorrow I have a bunch of meetings and social interaction and food at work. Breakfast buffet, two hours of meetings, lunch buffet, two more hours of meetings, dinner buffet. Not only is it a bunch of food (makes me worry) but also I’m expected to interact and socialize.

I don’t really like socializing. Especially when I have to do it all day and night. My social anxiety is better but I still haven’t been super socially active in the last couple years.

Gah just nervous. I can do it but ugh I wish I didn’t have to. If I don’t participate it makes me look bad at work.

At least Wednesday is just a lunch buffet nothing else. Just so much socializing.

But at least I see my doctor on Thursday. Trying to figure out what to tell him. I’m kind of trying to eat better. Not be so worried. I’m just tired of it all. I should be honest with my mom that I’ve been struggling. I should go find a therapist that deals with like gender issues and eating disorders. My old therapist doesn’t deal with that stuff.

Anyway I’m going to try to sleep now and get up early for work. Just GULP wish me luck.

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Ah what did I do. I found a therapist not far from where I live and emailed them. I mentioned I don’t know if I could commit but I put it out there. Gah! Now i’m more nervous.

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That’s awesome that you reached out to a therapist Cogladaid, I hope it works out and is helpful for you

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I hope your meetings and stuff go smoothly Cogladaid, let us know how it goes

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I hope your work meetings and the socializing and the food goes well Cogladaid. I know myself we have luncheons at work pretty regularly. I *try* to force myself and sit there with my coworkers but there are times when I just get food and retreat back into my office and don't socialize but then of course everyone is like, "Oh are you okay? Why didn't you eat with us?" Stuff like that. So then I feel bad. I usually just say I had a lot of work to do and needed to catch up but I don't know if that will work in your situation. Good luck! Also I hope things will work out with the new therapist! HUGS Kit

Blue_Bird, I hope you can go to the bookstore coffee bar! I think it would be good and having something to read you wouldn't necessarily have to socialize but you would still be around people! Best of luck dear! HUGS Kit

Things are okay so far this morning. I made myself a chicken salad sandwich for breakfast and ate it while I got ready because I slept in a bit. My new anxiety medicine seems to be helping a lot. I still have to take a PRN sometimes but my anxiety at least feels somewhat manageable. This is a plus. I have therapy tomorrow at 11 and I am nervous about it. I want to read her what my ex-T wrote in response to my breakup text because it hurt me in parts and I would like to process it but we also need to process the self harm. It's hard to know how to prioritize. But it is my session so I should get a say! I also have a GP appointment tomorrow and tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. My GP appointment is at 1 PM and after that I am going home because it is my Dad's birthday. We will hang out and go to dinner. I am looking forward to it. He will be 71.

I’m glad your anxiety med is helping

I hope your session with your T goes well

Happy birthday to your dad, I hope you all have a nice time at dinner

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Yes that’s true I am definitely going, I’m not gonna back out of it

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Pre inspection on Thursday then code enforcement inspection next Tuesday

Borderline hospital mental state. Was sad and dysphoric (Yesterday and last night), very suicidal, agitated, disturbed. My thoughts have been so confusing.

I took diazepam, went to sleep, woke up feeling the same. My mom is concerned.

But I took an extra Dexedrine and pregabalin + some phenibut. Hopefully that will help..

I haven't been able to do things.. but I'll try today.. And then we're going for a walk..

Today has been going okay so far. Had some breakfast which wasn’t too much since I’m gluten free. Then a two hour meeting which I was almost falling asleep for. Lunch buffet again barely anything gluten free. Have rest of the work day and then awkward dinner buffet in which I don’t think anyone I really know will be there so that sucks.

I’m just laughing now. It’s such a joke reaching out for help you know. That therapist I contacted last night? Six - twelve month waiting list. And their associates? Three month waiting list.

I guess I’ll just suffer why not.

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I feel a little better..

It takes me a long time to recover from really negative episodes - And each one just keeps happening, before I get the chance to recover from the last ones.

It's dark.

We are having cheesecake at 2 o'clock break at work. We had chocolate muffins with 2 percent milk at 8:30 AM break at work. Yum.

The extra pregabalin made me unfocused and regarded

I haven't had to take a klonopin for 18 days but ended up needing one tonight, anxiety and panic is bad

Had my work event. Drinks and dinner and socializing. I’m not much of a socializer and I was nervous when I got there but there were a couple people I knew there and we had some good conversations actually. And the food was good. Drinks were okay. They didn’t have anything like old fashioneds (I bonded with a coworker over love of old fashioneds) but it was all free and paid for by work.

I was there from 530pm to 8pm. I could have stayed longer but there’s work tomorrow and I didn’t want to stay up too late.

In office tomorrow again having a lunch with people.

Honestly I feel pretty good about the event we had today after work. It took my mind off everything that’s been stuck in my head lately. Just chatting and relaxing. It was nice. I’m surprised but happily surprised.

Anyway I’m showered and in bed time to go to sleep.

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I'll try my hardest to fix these mental issues.

I hate how I only stay awake for 12 hours, and then sleep for 12 hours. At least I get great *** sleep.

Ecstasy or Cymbalta? I'll choose the Cymbalta for now.. give it a try.

I hope you're feeling much better now. :

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I got to see my friend yesterday which was wonderful. Back to obscurity again. I hope the people here will stop piling on my roommate. I've been staying out of it.

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Therapy in a bit. But you know....par for the course I guess. Then GP later. Then my Dad's birthday. I am taking him and Mom out to dinner. Hopefully to a steak place. It is snowing today.

I see my doctor tomorrow I’m nervous but excited. I think I’ve been doing well this week. Little more energized now and less in my head.

Had a lunch at work with coworkers and a related department (like a sort of meet and greet).

Eating with other people makes me think of what I’m eating. It’s not really normal to have a small salad and diet drink for lunch. People eat things like cookies and chips and wraps with salad or fries or chicken fingers.

Idk I guess my thinking is more skewed than I thought.

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I went to sleep with hypnic jerks of the heart, took a clonazepam. Incredibly long dreams, thousands of years. Got out of bed at 2pm, exhausted. But mood is okay.

Thanks Angelique how have you been? I'm glad you were able to see your friend

Slumberkitty hope you and your family have a nice birthday dinner for your dad, steak is really good

Cogladaid, I'm really glad your work event went well and that you were able to enjoy it

Glad your mood is good Desoxyn

I have a meeting I made for next wednesday to talk to a career readiness instructor at an agency down the street from me about what I'm looking for in terms of work and to see if I'm interested in one of their career readiness workshops.