Roll Call 198

I did. She either wants me to go see my GP or go to urgent care. crap. I hope I don't get hospitalized.

Hugs SK….I hope not too.

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I have 4 very ripe bananas and am not sure what to do with them because I know I can't eat all of them before some go bad and don't want to waste them. Thinking of either freezing them for smoothies or making banana bread

I'm down from 4-6 cups of caffeineted coffee a day to 1-2 cups of caffeineted coffee a day. So that's a big improvement. Though I have a headache. But it will get better over time. I took some ibuprofen with my 2nd/final cup of caffeineted for the day. I do have decaf I drink too just because there's something about coffee and a book that go well together.

How are you doing? Did you get your wounds tended to?

Are you feeling acutely suicidal? If not they shouldn't admit you to hospital.

Rash is still on my face. Now joined with a headache. I was feeling off and a bit loopy earlier so I left work early. Contacted the doctor and he sent me for blood tests. I see him on Friday morning.

I’m just worried it’s either something really bad, or it’s a lamotrigine rash and I have to start all over with medication (valproic acid is all I think I really have left for mood stabilizers?) so I’m not really happy.

I know it’s not COVID I did a test earlier.

I just ate pizza. I’ve been so distracted by this rash I haven’t even thought about food. Which I guess is a good thing. My sister commented a little while ago that I’m looking thinner all the time. Which made me a bit uncomfortable but whatever.

It’s like if it’s not one thing it’s another. I’m going to have another drink. Drown my sorrows a bit.

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Banana bread is classic and freezes well…

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I am struggling but I am trying to feel better. I woke up at 2 AM this morning because I was so distressed.

I went to urgent care yesterday because my GP was full. Urgent care didn't do crap. They were like, oh you're a cutter?! (I hate that term. I prefer self harmer.)



But they blew me off. They just rewrapped it, not even as good as I had it wrapped. No after care instructions. No what to look for if it gets infected. Nothing. Total waste of time.

I got home and I called my GP to see if there had been any cancellations. My GP got on the phone. I tried to explain that I needed sutures. But she said if urgent care didn't do them, she wouldn't. I tried to explain that I had been discriminated against because they were self inflicted but she blew me off. She told me to leave the bandage alone and to come see her next week. UGH. I was so frustrated. I thought about going to the ER but I've had bad experiences there getting care too. Sometimes they just rewrap it and send me home. One doctor got verbally and physically angry with me. Sometimes they send me for a psych consult. Once I ended up hospitalized. So I decided to just deal with it myself even though they really needed to be taken care of better.

It felt like no one cared. I expressed that frustration to a friend and she ripped me a new one. So I had to apologize and tell her I was just venting. That was what it felt like at that moment. That's what I get for trying to express my feelings.

I am trying to feel better today and to turn the page and get back to healthier coping methods. I tried to get a sooner appointment with my pdoc but he is full until April and I have an appointment in April anyway. Besides I already know he isn't going to do anything about this.

I felt bad because my new T texted me a bunch yesterday. I told her she could charge me for a session but she said no. I hope I don't push her away.

I'm frustrated with my symptoms. (hallucinations played a big role yesterday) and I am frustrated with my actions. And I am frustrated that I couldn't get good care. And I am frustrated that my friends didn't seem to understand. But I am trying to breathe and relax and just be chill today. I had to come to work, which maybe is better because it will take my mind off of things. I am looking forward to this weekend when I can hopefully get a nap or two.

HUGS kit

Hugs SK.

Thank you SP

Sorry that they treated you so poorly SK I have been to the ER once for self harm, thankfully the nurse and the person there doing my stitches were very kind to me. I had gone off my meds on my own and spiraled out of control. I wish there was less stigma.

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I hope you have a relaxing weekend SK

I went grocery shopping today.Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment to get fillings done. Going to my friend's house on Saturday to play some games

Going to your friends house on Saturday sounds fun. Is the weather better there?

Yeah should be fun, we always have fun hanging out

Its in the 30's farenheit most days lately, so it's a lot better/warmer than it was. Most of the foot of snow we got on the weekend has melted. I can't wait till spring though because I get to take my Nikon out to the park, lake, and rose garden to take pics. Will have to wait till it's much warmer though because my sister will be taking me and I don't want to drag her out when it's cold out

I'm thinking of going to that cafe again at the end of next week, by myself this time. To get a cappuccino and just kind of get out for a bit. Sit down in there by myself and drink it

Sounds great!

I had a rough night. Chills, body aches, and fever. Didn’t take lamotrigine this morning. Feeling better.

See my doctor tomorrow.

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Cold shower, nice peripheral norepinephrine boost =]

Hugs @SK - I wasn't discriminated any time that I came into the ER for substance use.. So all of that is really disheartening..

People are cruel - And society is kind of decaying, everyone is opinionated, divided and disconnected by technology.. Don't take them seriously.. There's people in the world that aren't so lacking of empathy, compassion etc.. But they're harder to find now..

Here is a good group though, a good example =]

Hope things go well with your doctor Cogladaid

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Just had an episode of low blood sugar. Like shaking very badly etc I just quickly ate and am hoping it gets into my system soon

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I need to get tested for diabetes, I’m gonna call my doctor tomorrow and ask if he can order blood work for me to check my blood sugar levels.

Shaking so bad felt like seizure almost

Okay yeah this scared the hell out of me , I can’t keep putting this off. Calling him first thing tomorrow morning.

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Been playing Disney Dreamlight Valley for the past hour on my Xbox. It’s so much fun

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Wow, that was quite the ordeal. It doesn’t surprise me because they treated me like that 25 years ago. Reading about the medical profession (who are supposed to help) dismiss and invalidate you is frustrating. This definitely isn’t the right way to get people to stop SI.

You are certainly not a “cutter”. I see you as someone who is hurting and doesn’t have effective coping skills to replace SI at the moment. Please don’t let the harsh and opinionated medical staff get to you. They don’t know you. All they know is their ignorance.

The emergency department is the worst place to go for SI unless it is severe. Staff there, tend to be judgemental and dismissive. Have you thought about setting up a plan for situations like yesterday so you can get decent and validating medical care? Maybe a meeting with all your providers to set up a plan?

I’m surprised your psychiatrist won’t deal with the SI. There’s help for people who struggle with it.

Hopefully my reply wasn’t too harsh. I had to be honest, since I was once in your place. When I was a teen I experimented with SI, something I learned while in hospital. It was isolating. Most staff tended to be nasty when they learned of it. They usually misinterpreted the behavior. -- I also want to protect you from healthcare harm. Be careful with emergency and urgent care around this issue.

I want to rant about the emergency department and how judgemental the staff are at that place. It isn't only towards people with mental illness. What is it with emergency doctors and their harsh judgement towards patients?

My friend who had a compressed nerve in his neck went to Emergency last fall due to extreme pain. He waited about 9 hours to be seen by the doctor. He hoped they would give him Lyrica, not any narcotic drugs. The emergency physician accused him of drug seeking and wondered why he was there. WTF?

I've been judged harshly for showing up with mental health issues in the past, all at a specific TOH location. Their psych service is terrible and dehumanizing. I was offended and vowed never to return.

My most "pleasant" emergency visit was in Brantford, Ontario. I got cut at work and needed stitches. The staff treated me with respect and concern especially since my fear of the place caused my blood pressure to increase a lot.

It seems like the Emergency Department is a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.

I had one of the worst confusing mental states this evening. It was so difficult that I took euphoriants.

Now I'm looking at life, like holy ****.. what has happened. It's so great... what's happened...

I just feel alone. So alone. I have memories that are only flashes of images, of good times... The best times of my life. It all ended, and I went through legit isolated hell.

I say the same story.. All my posts are a cry for help, so the alien entities can channel me to a good place.. What work do I even have to do here.. I'm a pure soul that got lost in between the cracks of this incapable stone brick wall reality, falling apart, moving closer, to all, fall off of the edge.

I hope that I'm where I'm supposed to be - Soon. I think it's possible. On the other side.