Roll Call 198

I am struggling but I am trying to feel better. I woke up at 2 AM this morning because I was so distressed.

I went to urgent care yesterday because my GP was full. Urgent care didn't do crap. They were like, oh you're a cutter?! (I hate that term. I prefer self harmer.)



But they blew me off. They just rewrapped it, not even as good as I had it wrapped. No after care instructions. No what to look for if it gets infected. Nothing. Total waste of time.

I got home and I called my GP to see if there had been any cancellations. My GP got on the phone. I tried to explain that I needed sutures. But she said if urgent care didn't do them, she wouldn't. I tried to explain that I had been discriminated against because they were self inflicted but she blew me off. She told me to leave the bandage alone and to come see her next week. UGH. I was so frustrated. I thought about going to the ER but I've had bad experiences there getting care too. Sometimes they just rewrap it and send me home. One doctor got verbally and physically angry with me. Sometimes they send me for a psych consult. Once I ended up hospitalized. So I decided to just deal with it myself even though they really needed to be taken care of better.

It felt like no one cared. I expressed that frustration to a friend and she ripped me a new one. So I had to apologize and tell her I was just venting. That was what it felt like at that moment. That's what I get for trying to express my feelings.

I am trying to feel better today and to turn the page and get back to healthier coping methods. I tried to get a sooner appointment with my pdoc but he is full until April and I have an appointment in April anyway. Besides I already know he isn't going to do anything about this.

I felt bad because my new T texted me a bunch yesterday. I told her she could charge me for a session but she said no. I hope I don't push her away.

I'm frustrated with my symptoms. (hallucinations played a big role yesterday) and I am frustrated with my actions. And I am frustrated that I couldn't get good care. And I am frustrated that my friends didn't seem to understand. But I am trying to breathe and relax and just be chill today. I had to come to work, which maybe is better because it will take my mind off of things. I am looking forward to this weekend when I can hopefully get a nap or two.

HUGS kit

Wow, that was quite the ordeal. It doesn’t surprise me because they treated me like that 25 years ago. Reading about the medical profession (who are supposed to help) dismiss and invalidate you is frustrating. This definitely isn’t the right way to get people to stop SI.

You are certainly not a “cutter”. I see you as someone who is hurting and doesn’t have effective coping skills to replace SI at the moment. Please don’t let the harsh and opinionated medical staff get to you. They don’t know you. All they know is their ignorance.

The emergency department is the worst place to go for SI unless it is severe. Staff there, tend to be judgemental and dismissive. Have you thought about setting up a plan for situations like yesterday so you can get decent and validating medical care? Maybe a meeting with all your providers to set up a plan?

I’m surprised your psychiatrist won’t deal with the SI. There’s help for people who struggle with it.

Hopefully my reply wasn’t too harsh. I had to be honest, since I was once in your place. When I was a teen I experimented with SI, something I learned while in hospital. It was isolating. Most staff tended to be nasty when they learned of it. They usually misinterpreted the behavior. -- I also want to protect you from healthcare harm. Be careful with emergency and urgent care around this issue.

Hey everyone, sorry for being absent for so long, just have had a lot on my plate lately. I just wanted to check in. I am doing fine.

Hey, I'm sorry that happened to you.

Not to blow off your concerns, but have you tried DBT (I know, it sounds like I'm just telling you to try a new therapy that is newfangled and whatever, and that is what it does sound like, but it has really helped me to look into it).

There are things called Distress Tolerance skills that I use a lot (it's part of DBT). The motto with those skills is that it's not about making things better; it's just about not making things worse.

Anyway, it sounds like you didn't make things any worse.

Which is pretty admirable in that situation of high stress.

Seriously, it sounds stupid but I want to give you kudos for that.

And to everyone, you are all awesome.

Good to see you WA!

Just got back from the dentist. They replaced a filling that came off and did another separate new filling too. I only have one more filling to get done, which will be done on april 20th. But after that I have to schedule an appointment to get one of my crowns replaced. It’s an hour and a half long appointment to get that done.

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I went and saw my doctor today. Told him all about this rash and everything I’ve been having. Fevers, chills, headache, etc. I feel fine now off the lamotrigine.

My doctor is away for a bit so he put in a referral to the psychiatrist to get advice what medication I should be on. He gave me a stop gap prescription for seroquel for now.

My lab results didn’t come back yet for some reason but hopefully they’re there when I see the allergist on Monday.

My doctor isn’t ready to completely write off the lamotrigine because my blood work isn’t there so this all could be something else but like idk I think it’s the lamotrigine because like I said I’m feeling physically better off of it.

Anyway I see him again in a couple weeks. See how things turn out. I just get frustrated by side effects and med switches. I just wish things would stay stable.

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I had one of the worst confusing mental states this evening. It was so difficult that I took euphoriants.


Now I'm looking at life, like holy ****.. what has happened. It's so great... what's happened...


I just feel alone. So alone. I have memories that are only flashes of images, of good times... The best times of my life. It all ended, and I went through legit isolated hell.


I say the same story.. All my posts are a cry for help, so the alien entities can channel me to a good place.. What work do I even have to do here.. I'm a pure soul that got lost in between the cracks of this incapable stone brick wall reality, falling apart, moving closer, to all, fall off of the edge.


I hope that I'm where I'm supposed to be - Soon. I think it's possible. On the other side.

I went and saw my doctor today. Told him all about this rash and everything I’ve been having. Fevers, chills, headache, etc. I feel fine now off the lamotrigine.

My doctor is away for a bit so he put in a referral to the psychiatrist to get advice what medication I should be on. He gave me a stop gap prescription for seroquel for now.

My lab results didn’t come back yet for some reason but hopefully they’re there when I see the allergist on Monday.

My doctor isn’t ready to completely write off the lamotrigine because my blood work isn’t there so this all could be something else but like idk I think it’s the lamotrigine because like I said I’m feeling physically better off of it.

Anyway I see him again in a couple weeks. See how things turn out. I just get frustrated by side effects and med switches. I just wish things would stay stable.

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I hate the dentist. Good on you for going and getting stuff done! You are awesome!

You're awesome too SlumberKitty by the way how are you today?

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I'm struggling some. But I haven't SH-ed anymore since Wednesday so good on me. That has been really hard because I have been under a lot of distress. I don't want to reach out to my T again because it's a new therapeutic relationship and I am afraid of scaring her off but I will probably talk to a hotline just because I have been feeling pretty bad emotionally. I don't think I need to be hospitalized yet, but I think it might be coming. I just really don't want that $2,000 to $2,500 bill y'know....plus missing work. I know it affects my performance evaluations and that sucks because I only have so much control over my mental health. I probably needed to go to the ER the other day because of command hallucinations but I didn't. I am looking forward to the weekend. I need to wash my sheets, and maybe my comforter because Zoey sleeps with me and likes to roll up in the comforter. But hopefully I can just relax. I feel like isolating so I don't even feel like going to Church but I will probably make myself go because it is better to not isolate even though it is the opposite of what I feel like doing, y'know. I am so grateful for you all and for everyone on MSF! Everyone is so great here. At least here I belong.

I am struggling but I am trying to feel better. I woke up at 2 AM this morning because I was so distressed.


I went to urgent care yesterday because my GP was full. Urgent care didn't do crap. They were like, oh you're a cutter?! (I hate that term. I prefer self harmer.)





But they blew me off. They just rewrapped it, not even as good as I had it wrapped. No after care instructions. No what to look for if it gets infected. Nothing. Total waste of time.


I got home and I called my GP to see if there had been any cancellations. My GP got on the phone. I tried to explain that I needed sutures. But she said if urgent care didn't do them, she wouldn't. I tried to explain that I had been discriminated against because they were self inflicted but she blew me off. She told me to leave the bandage alone and to come see her next week. UGH. I was so frustrated. I thought about going to the ER but I've had bad experiences there getting care too. Sometimes they just rewrap it and send me home. One doctor got verbally and physically angry with me. Sometimes they send me for a psych consult. Once I ended up hospitalized. So I decided to just deal with it myself even though they really needed to be taken care of better.


It felt like no one cared. I expressed that frustration to a friend and she ripped me a new one. So I had to apologize and tell her I was just venting. That was what it felt like at that moment. That's what I get for trying to express my feelings.


I am trying to feel better today and to turn the page and get back to healthier coping methods. I tried to get a sooner appointment with my pdoc but he is full until April and I have an appointment in April anyway. Besides I already know he isn't going to do anything about this.


I felt bad because my new T texted me a bunch yesterday. I told her she could charge me for a session but she said no. I hope I don't push her away.


I'm frustrated with my symptoms. (hallucinations played a big role yesterday) and I am frustrated with my actions. And I am frustrated that I couldn't get good care. And I am frustrated that my friends didn't seem to understand. But I am trying to breathe and relax and just be chill today. I had to come to work, which maybe is better because it will take my mind off of things. I am looking forward to this weekend when I can hopefully get a nap or two.


HUGS kit