Roll Call 198

I heard today, someone saying "Anyones baseline (Without purpose) is unbearable suffering" - So NOW I understand.

I enjoy many things.. But I plan to really "Grow up", and do all of the best things.. Invest time into something. I'm procrastinating the chemistry course.. But I'll do it soon...

I'd like to be some sort of shaman too. I'll figure it all out. ChatGPT helps a lot - But it's such an overwhelming amount of good advice.. I wish technology was this advanced when I was younger.

My sister and three of her kiddos visited this weekend for my Dad's birthday. It was a good visit but we spent a lot of time planning and shopping for my sister's wedding. I got kind of wedding-ed out. So after 7 hours I went home with my Dad and my nephew and just chilled while the girls continued shopping. I am happy for my sister. But with being depressed and all it's hard to keep that happy happy joy joy stuff up for a long time.

Went to CVS and picked up my meds. Plus got some decaf coffee.

Cleaned and did laundry. Still have some cleaning to do but got most of it done.

Got about 40 pages left to read in Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman so I’m gonna finish that book today. I’ve really been enjoying it a lot.

Tomorrows the code enforcement inspection. They might not even do my apartment. Idk. It’s like 19 random apartments out of the 50ish apartments here. Either way I won’t have to worry about it again after tomorrow for another like 6 months or year. I forget if it’s every 6 months or once a year. The pre inspection was fine so I’m not worried really. I was yesterday but I woke up today and have felt much less anxious and more confident today.

Anyway, I’m waiting on a package from target to be delivered today. Two pairs of joggers and a tshirt. Have two more tshirts coming tomorrow. Will be nice to have new clothes finally after like 3-4 years of not buying anything new. One of the shirts is a Nirvana band shirt

The linguine and clams I made last night came out really good. It’s never quite as good as my moms was even though it’s the same recipe but it was still really good

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I always think with recipes you can follow them but sometimes you have to just feel out ingredients depending on the weather and stove and random moon cycles and ****. Never turns out the same when you cook from a recipe vs how someone else made it.

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Yeah that’s true

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I found this discord server with people who are like nonbinary and transgender and I’m feeling out some chats and it’s working okay. I always feel that no one pays attention to me because I’m awkward and weird. I get ignored a lot in chats. Which is why sometimes I suspect I might be a little bit autistic? Idk. Something I should talk to my doctor about.

Speaking of! I see my doctor on the 23rd.

I’ve been having an okay day. I had a salad for lunch, then chips and Buffalo ranch dip (from Costco it was okay) and then I’m going out for dinner later (not sure if I’ll get a burger or a soup).

Also random, I have this almost purple spot by my nose and it’s been there for like a week and my immediate worry is I have skin cancer. Trying to be less worried about that. If it’s still there when I see my doctor I’ll mention it.

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My anxiety has gotten worse over the day. Weird because I only had one caffeinated coffee all day when I normally have 3-4 a day. Trying to cut back.

I just feel extremely irritable and like I want to punch something or cry.

Anyway I finished Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. It was really good.

I need to distract myself. Maybe I should paint. Idk. It’s 6pm. Is 6pm too late to start? I feel like it isn’t but am not sure.

Honestly my mind goes and I’m so worried I have skin cancer now. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me with this mark on my face.

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My mom has had skin cancer or "suspicious spots" - And gets them removed all of the time.. I have one on my nose (Seems okay? idk..)

Make an appointment with doctor that can look ASAP - All you can do...

Today has been a super good day for me.

I woke up really late though - Got out of bed at 3pm. I took the 60mg of Vyvanse + 20mg of Dexedrine, then the other 20mg an hour later - Good focus.

I've managed to be a little productive, enjoying the day......

I want to get back into reading books. Starting to meditate - Is such a big deal, so difficult... It's just that I wish the world wasn't like this...

Just wondering, "Is there a future?" - And I guess I could adapt, and go somewhere... Ask people for help (Money, etc..) and do anything... I hate how I'm an empath, and hate to see other people suffering so much... I want to do something about it too + Learn, have fun...

No psychosis (Apart from the CSIS burning my brain in my dreams like a CD) - And then find out that they are releasing information recently about the Canadian PM.. It's basically the "Canadian CIA".

And all of this stuff is weird to me - Interesting... Like listening to journalists about corruption and deep, deep conspiracies.. I just want to know truth etc.. Find the deepest meaning to how things work - Cuz meaning is all around me... Hyper fixating on it + "novelty", like being at a carnival.. And it's basically what I'm preparing for (With DMT) - The deepest dream of all dreams in reality.

I do this to myself.. idk why. But I'll figure it out. And listening to JBP (About getting my life together etc... It helps - He seems to me, undeniably like, a modern prophet - Him and "Sadhguru" etc .. ), all of these people.. Finding meaning, putting it all together (With my very low IQ)

I'm getting a migraine. I took some medicine and then a coworker is going to get me a coffee. Sometimes caffeine helps.

I was supposed to see my doctor on the 24th but I changed it and got an appointment for this Friday morning because I’m worried about the splotch on my face.

I also have an appointment with the allergist on Monday because a possibility is it might be a rash from lamotrigine (it doesn’t look like the rash I see online and hasn’t spread).

So hopefully someone can help answer what this is. It’s just there it hasn’t spread or got less noticeable or anything.

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Migraine is pretty much gone. Yay.

Update: looks like it’s an allergic reaction more than anything. Going to have to stop the lamotrigine. Sigh.

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Been dissociating the past 3 hours

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I think the Bob Ross channel is still on Pluto tv, if you feel like checking that out. Of course there's probably a ton of stuff on YouTube too.

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Thanks that’s a good idea! It is still on there. I will put it on , he’s very relaxing to watch

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Invega Trinza 525mg today.

My dopamine will be drained. This isn't what God wanted for me =]

I got freaked out by news. Took 5mg of diazepam, all is okay.

I want to make a reading goal (With books) - At this point, I'm okay with being confused AF and then suddenly dying, somehow.

But in the meantime, I want to try and fix my life, learn, etc... And hopefully things will figure themselves out.

I was reading some things about chemistry... and I'll watch YouTube videos about it as well.. I want to make a blog eventually.

So.. many things..

I have so much pent up emotions. I wish I could just cry and cry.

Hugs, Des.

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Glad your migraine is gone, migraines really are miserable

Thanks Blue_Bird.

Having a rough morning this morning. Not sure if I should let my T know.

Let them know…waiting too long just makes things worse….

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