Roll Call 199

Hey SK it’s good to see you, I am glad therapy was good. I think one of the things that helps me with those thoughts is thinking along the lines of “so what if the tv or someone was watching me, they’re not gonna see anything bad or something “ so like that’s how I used to think about it when I got paranoid, that’s how my therapist helped me learn to think about it. So what if they can see? What are they gonna see? Nothing but me watching tv or eating food lol nothing bad. It’s hard to reframe paranoia but it’s possible.

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t feel as paranoid like I used to about those things. And even when I do get that way again I don’t care enough to worry about it



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My therapist said a very similar thing when I was worried there were cameras hidden in the house, and I found it comforting.

My hip is starting to hurt from running. I broke it last winter skiing. I can't get past 8 miles without it acting up. I hope this doesn't affect the hiking season.

Got officially diagnosed with bulimia nervosa yesterday. My therapist is getting special training in eating disorders to be able to help me out better since she said I'm the first person with an ed she's seen (which is surprising because she's not new, but rural area I guess).

Heard some voices last night for the first time in weeks. Was frightening and I immediately took PRN Haldol even though it wasn't that bad. I don't want it to get bad ever again. I don't ever want to go back to the hospital. I want my sza symptoms to stay better so I can work on the bulimia and PTSD.

I am so worn out even though I slept. I think the past few weeks of barely sleeping is catching up with me plus starting the meds again.

I did manage to go to the library today though. I also practiced keyboard for 45 minutes.

My bf and I are gonna play Zelda: Breath of the Wild together while we talk on the phone later today

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I put in trigger cuz these thoughts can be blessing and curse.

Anyway, good day today.. The Invega knocked me out yesterday evening, I had a nice sleep ^-

I was outside and I thought how nice it would be if it were October. But I love the green covering the trees now. I thought I wouldn't see that until May. I wish I were at home. Vape when I want, use the bathroom that no one befouls, eat saltines with margarine, eat peanut butter Captain Crunch straight from the box, pb&j, door dash stuff, delivered meals from restaurants that don't deliver, etc. I wish I could go have a vacation in my apartment. I'm feeling pretty down.

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sorry Angelique I hope you feel better , I know it’s hard being where you are though

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Went to the chiropractor again today and he was talking to me about my X-rays he took.

Basically my neck isn’t really that curved. And my back isn’t really that curved either. At the bottom of my spine by my tailbone it’s kind of stiff and doesn’t really move when I bend.

So I have a treatment plan and they’re going to give me exercises and stuff to do as well.

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Thank you, Blue_Bird.

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Having dissociation and panic tonight, not sure why

Hey y'all sorry I haven't been around lately. Not doing too well due to not being on fish oil. Luckily I found some down here that should be potent enough (I was taking 4000 mg before). Anyway, I hope to be posting more regularly again here.

Like, without the fish oil, my mind was literally all over the place. Making poor decisions all the time. Unable to concentrate on anything. Etc., etc.

It’s good to see you WA

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Thanks, it's good to be back.

I feel like my meds are poisoning me.

It will get better though

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I need to fast forward a week or two until I’m adjusted to my meds. I don’t want to deal with this **** right now

Why’d I do this , I’m so stupid

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I took my night meds and am feeling better and am going to go to sleep

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What ever entities are causing this suffering for you, I will kill them.

I will kill them. Seriously though.. Hugs

You're tough though..

Are you there forever? Like my god.. I can't not talk to you now.. I just thought things like "There's nothing I can do.." but I read all of your posts.. I will pay more attention now though... Post anything you want. I am your friend now, in this unjustified disarray..

I know what it's like in the psych ward.. I spent a total of a year there (Even though it was the best one in Canada, it still SUCKED.. Sure, I had some fun..) but this is no way to live.. (Sorry if I'm responding when maybe you want me to keep quiet) - Just know that we care...

Hugs BB. I would kill your dissociation too.

I know people with schiz are usually the victims of violence..

But I am the one who knocks..



..

Hey Blue_Bird, I know it's tough for you when you have those thoughts but just a suggestion for when you have those thoughts: have you ever tried separating thoughts from reality?

The reality is that the doctor never would select meds that would poison you. The doctor wants to help, and cares for your well-being.

Anyway, maybe trying to remember that during a tough episode would help you. I know it's tough though so please don't think I'm making light of it or saying it's easy to do this.

Hugs Blue_Bird, just keep reality checking and reminding yourself this type of thinking is just part of the illness and you can't really trust yourself until the meds kick in again. Until then, you can ask us to help you out

Ah, I was supposed to write feedback for a peer on this translation thing I am a part of, and I did not, alas, I think I will not go to that meeting tonight... I think I have too many obligations (or "obligations"). I do have a job now, though, which is nice.

Thank you, Des. Yes, I'm here forever unless I can convince a judge that I'm fit to live alone. I don't know if that will ever happen. My friend can get rid of my apartment like he needs to do financially, and then I'll have no place to go. I'm still scared of stairs so it's not a great place for me to stay. I'm daf, but thank you for your nice post.

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Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of you and your advice

I slept good last night. Wanted to get up early but slept till 10am, which is good but eventually I will have to work on getting up earlier. But for now it’s just good that I’m sleeping a lot, I definitely need it.

I haven’t felt hyper sexual at all today so that’s good.

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How is everyone today

I practiced keyboard for awhile. Cleaned apartment some. I still feel like it's a mess though.

I signed up for a shift at the homeless shelter for this upcoming Friday and following Monday to do kitchen prep and serving