Roll Call 199

We’ll get there, little by little step by step

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

"and such' means ketamine, and all the extra stuff you take. The stuff you send away for. Phenibut etc. You've never followed a doctor's orders because you play around with extra pills.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Des, I'm not trying to give you a hard time. You asked for opinions on your condition. You don't trust any doctors, not just the one you should quit. So the question is why. You don't have to reply to me or anyone.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I didn't never follow a doctor's orders because I "play around with extra pills".
I never took drugs - and then was given risperidone, I hated it. I was told to keep taking it. But I stopped. I was confused, "Why should I take this?".

It's not my fault that I was too young to understand anything about how the world works, wtf pills are, and the philosophy/ethics behind taking them, authority, and what reality is, why I was feeling so horrible, etc

I was given risperidone for "voices" - I didn't care if I was hearing voices? I was only 16? No one cared about me - Just the "voices". It was all a cry for help, to make the trauma end.

I was feeling horrible because of what my mom and her ex did to me (And I didn't realize, he was a manipulative narcissist sociopath). I trusted (Above all), my "parents" (Who were supposed to love me) - And they neglected me, etc. With that done, I was then supposed to obey some doctor? The connection with trust was severed at that point.

The trauma still didn't end, it got even worse and worse and worse. I was sent to a place that was supposed "To help me" - And people ate at me like vultures.

It's all about money and evil.

I don't know exactly what you're trying to say to me.

It's a nonsense world. The only reason I'm staying alive is because of my dad, my sister, and even my mom.

You touched on a part of me saying "never", makes me fall apart. Never? What does that mean?

I'm exactly right, that what you mean is fooling myself about my whole life. You're wrong. I'm sick of people thinking they're better than me, looking down on me. And there's nothing I can do about it.

From what I know, love is fake. God is fake. Life isn't real. It's just a tragedy, and what ever pleases someone is just a shiny signal like a machine fitting something into place.

But from my own perspective, I'll still continue to figure things out, in spite of people like you. I'm just so crushed, especially after talking to my doctor today.. If I really look deeply at myself, all I see is love, nonsense and horror.

It's okay don't worry....

I trust doctors as much as I don't. What is trust anyways...



I'm not sure if I trust anything or anyone, even myself - And never will, until I do (So it's just an illusion. Like reality itself).

No worries.. I just.. got.. into a bad state. Ignore me.

I feel much better from the pregabalin (And a little phenibut? - I'm sorry *cries*) lol..

The pregabalin mostly works, I just can't too much or I get side effects (Spaciness - Which the stimulant is supposed to treat).

I think.. I'm doing good. Yes, I am.. an addict (By definition) - But also? I'm also an "alt-right conspiracy theorist" (By definition of the state - because I watch corruption news, even though I'm a liberal - They keep track of my web searches etc, and I'm probably on an central intelligence agency list).

So all of that stuff.. I'm coherent most of the time.. Just tired.. As the world literally just keeps spinning..

And I got the damned Invega injection. I'll talk to my psychiatrist and tell him that I don't like needles, and don't trust who is handling the shipment and ingredients etc (Maybe it's in some warehouse, someone takes it and interrupts the line of travel, puts some prion or who knows what nanobot microchip nonsense etc). But it's very veeeryy unlikely.

But also, I specific said that I like paliperidone/Invega.. Just not so much that my neurochemistry is dimmed down to below enough to function, in spiritual realms.. and.. limit the potential, of my natural ability... to have a good life =/

With 0mg Invega? I'd probably be really agitated and trippy (Like that bipolar guy on the TV show, "Ozark").

It's the weekend, yay! = D
Another day with no migraine or stiff neck. I'm doing strong and I've stopped drinking on the weekends so im done with alcohol and I mean it. This is the first time I've said this, and its been 6 weeks, so im doing well.

I got my mother the Jeff Buckley Grace vinyl album for mothers day, she said she wanted it a while ago. i love how my family is getting into vinyl all of a sudden haha.

I'm having ups and downs in general, my story has been my whetstone during crisis. I just hope I dont have to put myself together for a 5th time.

I ****ed up. I secretly drank and then I publicly drank a margarita.

Starting over again for day one.

Maybe I have to admit I can’t handle alcohol in the house. I feel bad.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know my own reality better than anyone or Any doctor. Maybe I'm wrong.

But there's nothing wrong with me. We are alive right now. That it's the important thing.

Hugs. It's a tough time. But very easy to quit (With the right approach). Don't be upset with yourself, or let anyone else be mad at you.

Sometimes I wonder.. about different mental illnesses - Like "What brings someone to purge?" etc. And with psychosis, it's over for me basically, and I think "People in the world can still be psychotic/manic etc?".. It's strange.

Alcohol does give a little dopamine - But remember, the name for alcohol means "Soul eating spirit".

My mom doesn't drink much (Cuz I haven't for ~4 months) - But when she does (Rarely), I can't stand it. But good job, job.. On 6 weeks without ^- You can do it too cog =]

Hey everyone, ended up quitting my job on Monday. It was too stressful for me.

I had just moved out on my own. I was really sad when I quit. Or after maybe. But now I'm fine again I think.

I found a park that is on a bus route. So I’m gonna go there next month around my birthday. It’s right by a Dunkin’ Donuts so I might buy lunch there then hang out in the park and take some pics

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

All I know is I don't want to do that type of job anymore. And I'm still working on my thesis. I've made it a habit for 2+ weeks to work on it for 30 minutes a day. So that is going well.

Also wondering if I should stay on 80 mg Latuda. My pdoc said I could go back to 60 mg of it but I'm not so sure...

I'm a psychonaut anyways. Antidepressants will eventually be outdated. I just don't want to commit suicide, or feel bad. It's as simple as that.

Imagine just eating fast food, watching precious propaganda, and you see a Big Pharma ad for some drug..

I'm serious.. I'm not fully developed in my thoughts even nearly after coming out of isolation.. But I'm not dead right now.

And Prozac etc can really help, sure.. With people that really need it. I tried it, but it gave me heart palpitations. What am I supposed to do then? I tried Zoloft, same thing. Ket and phenibut are as good enough for now. No judging pls.

And people also have to come out of the drug closet, cuz many get such abuse. This reality spawns so much of what people can judge, daily, every second of the day. If someone ever shouts at me from their car "Use the crosswalk", I'm gonna say, "meditate!".

Yeah I kinda wish I had that stuff I used to have too. I forgot what it was called. It was like a nootropic thing. Whatever it's called. Maybe someone can help me with the name of it.

Also with regard to your post, I think everyone's path is unique.

Sarcosine, that's what it was called!

Also does anyone have any examples of events or things that are pleasurable that don't cause harm to themselves or others? I am asking for myself (don't want to give specifics though for my own case just cause I don't feel like being that vulnerable right now)...

I tried (I might have had heart OCD/anxiety though and threw it away) but it's supposed to be good for negative symptoms of schiz.

And I know everyones path is unique... I don't mean harm to anyone =[ I just want understanding.....

I ask.. for criticisms.. and I know they can seem harsh (Even if person doesn't intend), but I need honesty... Even if I react bad. But in the end, things should be okay. I don't think anyone is legitimately trying to put me down as a person.

As we are all weird central nervous system entities.

Looking at the northern lights, sitting in a hot tub, meditating and listening to a gong, marijuana, giving someone a hug, cooking horse chestnuts on a hot stove - Wait...

Nothing is 100% safe.. remember..

BUT - In the scenarios where you're still alive, the amount of pain that you can tolerate, the beginning of damage (As everything is in decay as well as creation) - and second hand pain empathy or cognitive dissonance, block it all out..

It's a reason why everyone has "schizophrenia" (Like how everyone has symptoms of all mental illnesses and isn't a problem unless it effects your quality of life), cuz everyone is blind to what they can't see.. or sense.. etc.

Perspective, and ignorance (Everyone is ignorant in some way).

It can be hard, that pleasure seeking can cause a lot of ignorance - But there needs to be balance, which is the most important thing - And then not as much harm is done. idk.

I guess I also owe this one as some form of explanation;

My tooth has been aching all day because I had a cold drink and it touched my bad tooth. It's been hot and quiet here. As usual I talked to my plants and everything else, even my sweater and jacket ...I get so exhausted being me. I wish it was possible to swap lives with someone for awhile. I would literally swap lives with the most normal person on Earth for awhile.