Roll Call 199

The autist psychonaut speed friend I have, we talk about meds and such, and experiment manically with chemicals - But psychiatric meds are always better - They're the most important for stability. They can numb emotions, but not very much.

I got her off of a speed binge.. Imagine that? - I said (With the bad ADHD), "Ritalin prescription is better", and she's working on that.. Deserves proper help for autism.

If I didn't have background of talking here, being a psychiatric patient, very supportive family etc, I'd be gone.. roaming the streets as "God mad".

No tripping or LSD!! weed etc.. lol.. Nooooo. I don't even do acid.. Too much of a schizy psychedelic, dissociation. I microdose 1/10th - But don't feel the need for psychedelics anymore.

And with the hypersexual mania, I don't judge. I used to be extremely hypersexual (Maybe I was manic, when I think back - But it was cuz of Abilify). It was a years long chemical binge, in the basement.. Eventually, I disconnected from everyone and said "This is stupid". Then I was diagnosed with schiz. I was also on 80mg of Prozac, did manic things in the psych ward - Hung around drug dealers, sociopaths, etc.. No fear. It was a fun experience... But it's over now..

But people must respect the need for meds, with love, etc... There's a point with trippers, where ego is increased - And there needs to be time for a more humble, calm and careful approach, especially with what is said to other people.

You'll beeee fine. I still get reckless.. People always will be. As SP said, "Ride the manic wave", and take it a little more seriously idk Like a plane, don't fly too high to sun.

Thank you desoxyn, I appreciate your insight I was honestly seriously considering trying LSD and starting to smoke weed again. But that probably would be a bad idea for me. Especially since I dissociate too. And the bad experience with DXM made me terrified to ever touch anything again. Which I didn't. But these past couple weeks I've been willing to try anything. I obviously can't and don't have the money for that stuff but I was even considering getting high on my klonopin which I have never used for that purpose before. Idk it's like all inhibitions disappeared for a few weeks

I guess the main good thing that came from all this reckless crap was that I was highly motivated and overconfident and put in 25 job applications during it. I have an interview tomorrow.

I made of a list of everything I need to talk about with my therapist today. I'm just gonna jump right in and be honest about all of it. So I don't forget or get sidetracked talking about random things to avoid talking about things that I'm scared of being judged for. But it will be fine

A good T won’t judge but the will recognize an issue. I almost gave my life savings to the food bank while manic. I almost started drinking after years with no alcohol. I kept wanting to run outside naked. Luckily something stopped me and I got on meds soon after. Without the meds I suspect I would be homeless or in jail.

Oh no I don’t judge. I literally have done the same.



So don’t feel bad. You are not a bad person at all. I totally get it.

One time manic I was convinced I would be an amazing cam girl so lmao. I figured I was hyper sexual and not sleeping so why not??

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I think sometimes what I would be like off meds. When I was off meds before I was a quiet manic psychotic. Sexual stuff online. Buying drugs online. Writing psychotic thoughts in a journal. Spending a bunch of money on random hobbies and books. Drinking a ton. Self harming. Starving myself.

I mean I’m much better now. I’ve accepted I have to be on medication. I’m better on medication. I’m pretty stable. I have my moments where I’m unwell but hey medication is awesome.

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I’m glad you got on meds, it is scary the kind of stuff it can cause one to do or want to do

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I’ve accepted that I need meds and I’ve accepted the weight gain but I’m still unhappy with the adhd I’m convinced they caused. This makes me consider a reduction but I also remember that I always felt on edge…like I could break at any moment on a lower dose. I also feel we as humans crave perfection which is unattainable.

For me I never realized on my own I needed someone to tell me so I’m not afraid to tell other people too.

I think of it like… you need water. You need vitamins. You need food. If you need medication it just is part of life. Lots of people need medication. It’s just normal. Like taking a multivitamin everyday it’s nothing special. You do all these regular things and hey, medication is one of them.

I ain’t sweating about it anymore.

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Thank you, that is good to know I’m not the only one.

It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one who has done something like that thank you for sharing your experience

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I honestly feel like meds have ruined my attention span too. The weight gain sucks but it’s probably a better trade off I guess than ending up on drugs or having pictures and stuff out on the internet and chatting with random guys that could be a bad people

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Yes that’s true . I need to have that mindset

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The algae omega threes have really helped my attention and so did school.

I'll have to try those out, I'm going back to school in September if I can get my spending in check and my finances straightened out, which I should be able to back on my meds

I just finished my appointment with my therapist. I was completely honest. I told her everything. She said it is definitely mania. She said it’s good I’m getting back on my meds and she said she would talk to my psychiatrist after we finished because they work in the same office. Not to get a med change or anything but just to kind of fill her in on the stuff that’s been going on the past month.

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Glad you were honest and back on the road to recovery….

Thanks, all this stuff was part of the reason I wasn't posting much recently, been caught up in my own craziness the past month.

I just been Extremely busy due to working two jobs…but I have today off yay!

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That’s awesome I don’t think I realized you had gotten a second job, I knew you were looking for one though

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I am getting kind of to the point where I’m considering ending things with my bf. We are great for eachother but we also aren’t if that makes sense. We kind of feed off each others manic energy, making grandiose impulsive plans, since we both deal with bipolar. Like we made plans to move in together down in Nashville ,( we went to high school together in Kentucky and dated when I was down there previously). Pretty unrealistic since I don’t have a job currently and that would stop my SSI. And I was ready to do it. But he’s a great guy I just think we’re both a little too intense.

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I have no family down there or any connections. Would be a bad idea. And he wanted to quit his job and become a guitar instructor. Don’t get me wrong he is legitimately amazing at guitar but it’s kind of unrealistic and impulsive to take that big of a risk.

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I don’t know how to break it to him though, and I know I’ll miss him. We both really care about eachother

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I have no time for myself anymore. Since we started dating. Like we’re always in contact with each-other. Either over text, phone call, or video chat. Everyday all throughout the day. It’s just a lot for me and I feel overwhelmed and like I have no time for my hobbies.

Any opinions are welcome

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Ok. Think you’re still being impulsive…give it a couple of weeks with meds and see where you’re at.