Roll Call 199

Sorry I haven’t been very responsive with everyone here lately, I just am like laser focused on this job thing the past few days and have been spending a lot of time talking with my bf and of course volunteering at petsmart. So I’ve been a little distracted. But I will try to be on and reply more to everyone , I care about you all

My life is like doing a 180 right now and it’s very strange. I went from not being in a relationship for 10 years to dating again, not doing much of anything to volunteering weekly and applying to part time jobs and now an interview next week. All this happening within a few weeks. It’s a lot of changes , good changes though

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I have to realize.. that the way we live, isn't normal.. Or at least (Like other, alien civilizations - Like the ones in my dreams), it's new..

There's going to be mental states that aren't known about much (Like with the DPDR I had) - None of the psychiatric team knew what was happening to me. I said "This isn't psychosis.. it feels like something else" and they didn't know what to do.

I should balance that with something positive too lol.. I will later..

Thank you SK I slept last night thankfully but am up again tonight. Seems like I can only sleep every other night

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In the morning I’m going to petsmart. I don’t have a volunteer shift on Saturdays I just offered to go in since the adoption coordinator that gave me my position is going to be there so we figured we could say hi in person and introduce ourselves properly since we’ve only corresponded through email so far. To kind of put a face to a name. Will be good, she’s really nice. So I’ll pop in there for a few minutes say hello and ask if they need any help today just in case and then if not just head home. I have to stop by the pharmacy after that. Then I need to clean my apartment. Then hopefully go to sleep at some point since I don’t see myself getting any sleep this night , it’s already 1:30am and I can’t relax.

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I've got everything locked and loaded maynn..

Happy that my dad will visit in 2 weeks, and we'll drive somewhere in the new Mustang.

I'm more comfortable with myself and the world, reality.. Maybe cuz of the diazepam idk - I took it cuz I asked ChatGPT like 20 questions about my heart OCD.. It's a lot to deal with..... My mom reassured me, so I'm okay..

I feel accomplished today, been awake for 16 hours. Time 2 zopiclone myself (Maybe it'd work for you BB idk - I never built tolerance to it..).

I want to walk around the block, see the stars.. but the bears are coming out at this time of year. I almost got mauled by some last summer (Walking past them through the alley way, mid day) + After I went for a walk to sit, smoke weed by the river and meditate..

I'll just sit outside for a bit, absorb the cool mountain air =]

I’m not sure, I’ve never heard of zopiclone other from your posts on here , but am glad it helps you

I might just have to get back on trazodone. That seems to help somewhat. might be the easiest solution since I still have it and can call and get a refill on it, my doctor would have no problem with it especially if she knew how little I’m sleeping
I need to do something because going days without sleep can’t be good for me. I’ve slept maybe 3 nights out of the past 7 days otherwise I’ve been awake the whole time, it’s insane , Idk what’s wrong with me

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I just took a trazodone. I’ll see if I can get a couple hours of sleep before going to petsmart

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That’s terrifying about the bears Desoxyn, do you have something that can make loud noise if you end up coming across one again? I think that’s what they say with bears, to like make loud noise etc. idk I could be wrong. I like hiking and nature but I’m scared of bears. They’re cool but I’d rather not run into one because I’d panic freeze and get mauled.

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So I ended up getting 30 minutes of very light sleep last night. So yeah I think my brain is just gonna melt or I’m gonna have a meltdown at some point from the severe ongoing lack of sleep , being up 35-40 hours at a time

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Went and had a massage this morning. Hot stone massage. I feel good now. Relax. The massage therapist had like hot stones on my forehead (to open up my chakras). I don’t believe in any chakra stuff but damn, relaxing massage.

I’m going to try to use my benefits through work more. Going to see a chiropractor. Maybe try to find a different psychologist (I was put on a wait list for one but it’s like 6-12 months). Maybe acupuncture and a dietician.

I mean, I pay for these benefits I might as well use them. I usually just use the drug, vision, dental, and massage so I want to use more of them.

Going to make goat curry for dinner.

So now I’m going to Google and find some providers.

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That 1 week Mexico vacation was crazy fun. I can't believe that happened. Honestly, I wouldn't mind living like that for life.

I want super hyper fun things... My flaw, in this incarnation...

Booked chiropractor for next Saturday.

Booked a dietician for next Sunday.

Sent out some emails for some psychologists.

Feeling productive and optimistic now.

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I know, when I was awake for 10 days during acute benzo withdrawal it was like an acid trip on steroids with all the hallucinations and delusions weaving all around me. My eyes got so dry from not sleeping. I'd lie down but never fall asleep. I finally got some sleep in the hospital as an inpatient. I don't know what kept me alive. I wasn't eating either. Definitely try the Trazodone. I was too crazy to have regular anxiety. I did have a few panic attacks though. I thought someone had poisoned my bag of tobacco, stuff like that. So I thought my throat was swelling shut and I was too scared to swallow. Oh my G, it was so frightening.

Please try the Trazodone, the no sleeping is dangerous.

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I upgraded my iPhone 8 Plus to an iPhone 14 Pro max. It will be here Tuesday.

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If I stay awake for more than 24 hours, falling asleep causes my heart to implode-beat and I suddenly jolt awake again. The only thing that helped was a benzo.

And benzos are dangerous to be dependent on, so I never skipped a night of sleep again.

I took both my Thorazine and trazodone along with my mood stabilizer tonight so I’m hoping those help. I haven’t been this unstable in a long time as far as just not sleeping and never slowing down

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I wonder if starting a relationship, starting a volunteer job, and starting the job search process and upcoming interview etc was all too much change at once

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The dissociation is the enemy, not you! You can do anything you set your mind to.. remember, the Eminem song...

Hugs, you can do it!

Now goooo. Be free. Like a quail!



Good enough for me, ChatGPT, ty.

My relatives used to keep quails for the eggs…thy were not free.

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Probably, but messing with your meds probably didn't help either

I've been doing pretty well at sticking to a schedule (at least waking up, eating, taking meds, and going to bed at the same times) these past few days. I think it's been helping. I went four days with out binging/purging and my sza symptoms are nearly non-existent.

With love, positive things, support from all the people in my life, my depression is being obliterated (+ K therapy), but magic works in mysterious ways. RIP to the timelines that turned out bad. But here we are, magnificent existence now, in this moment. I want to show gratitude for all and lift others up to be in peace. There is of course, an evil.. My hyperactivity. But it has been tamed, through experience and less confusion.

There is however, much struggles to come.. It will break everyone into small pieces. But it's okay..

Oh god.. I have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I forgot... christ.. what do I even tell him.. I don't need a psychiatrist!

I'll just speak a little about his questions, small talk.. refills..

I went to the emergency room and they did a urine test and blood work and everything is supposedly fine except dehydration and really low salt. It's like I experience delirium or something like that for short periods of time though. The migraines have stopped, no trace of them left, so phew, that was the major concern. Doc said I low on elektrolytes, so I've stopped drinking soda all together, and have switched to Gatorade, and water with those tiny elektrolytes packets, and iced tea. That did the trick, it was that easy to solve. Haha. They said I didn't have you UTI, no liver or kidney issues either. So I'll wait this out, hopefully they disappear now that I've stopped drinking on the weekends, and stopped my soda intake. Honestly, I needed to change my liquid intake, especially drinking a 12 pack every weekend, that's inviting trouble. Plus, I can still do the other thing I do once a week. So all's very, very well.

Also, I'm on a new drug for my PTSD, it's Prazosin, a blood pressure medication that is an alpha blocker. This weekend I started taking it. Man, I'm going into rem sleep again, having really interesting dreams, mostly sad, but it is what it is. But even better, I sleep extremely well now, and wake up cool as a cucumber, like my vagus nerve is stimulated. Just completely relaxed. I love this drug.

I think, because of this drug, I might try to get off Remeron and Doxepin, and if I get off those, I can get off Trileptal, and so all I'll need to take is Geodon and Prazosin, and I'll go back to my healthy weight again, that will be that. For the first time in my life, if I wake up late at night, or in the morning, I can fall back asleep. I'm going to take everything as directed for now, but when I see my pdoc, we're going to have an interesting discussion on my new possibility. =)