Roll Call 199

I didn't read - Got distracted.. then felt tired. Looked at podcasts.. More podcasts are better than less. So I'll listen outside (Seems warm enough to do that). I feel more awake now.

I'm mindful.. Happy enough.. I wish to live, or feel alive.. It's always waiting, and listening to people argue - All the time.. Meditation would be good..

Idk what to do anymore really. This life is short, but no one knows what's after death.. and.. Eternity is a long time. I want some entity to save me - Possibly God? Will he.. Is it a she? (That's mother earth/nature right?) Idk.. Too many questions, possible answers.. constant.. Doesn't end.

It all never ends. And nothing lasts. Years later, I still talk like I'm tripping.. Life is the trip.. And I wish I could figure it out more - Should .. not be hard on myself and have patience. So much pain, torture - Also possibilities of more of that. We all try.

I just realized I'm not depressed anymore so I can take that off of my About page at MSF. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with that ages ago.

I'm bored, watching youtube videos while waiting for amazon to deliver my kindle so I can start reading books. I don't like readying books on the laptop.

ps maybe there should be What podcast are you listening to.

That’s a good idea about the podcast thread. I listen to a lot of them. Mostly videogame related ones

I hope you get your Kindle soon

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I had a pretty good day. Slept well. Got a small amount of cleaning done. Not much but it’s a start after weeks of procrastinating on it. Dentist appointment went well. Anxiety wasn’t super bad today.

Played a lot of Zelda breath of the Wild today. Zelda: tears of the Kingdom comes out this Friday

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my program manager. Also have to go to CVS to pick up my meds and finish cleaning. Friday I’m going grocery shopping. Saturday I’m not sure what I’m doing. Some combination of exercise, reading, watching stuff and playing video games, ukulele, and keyboard. Sunday I’m going to my friends house and we’re gonna play some dungeons and dragons and various TCGs.

I’m reading 3 books currently which is getting a little overwhelming. So I’m gonna cut it back and just focus on one at a time.

I’m learning the song Zombie by the Cranberries on ukulele.

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I have one beer left at home. I’ll drink that tonight and then give up alcohol at least for a while. Save some money.

I went out for ribs last night and they were yummy and I didn’t drink. I polished off the rest of the grand marnier last night though. Wasn’t much left. My sister has some salted caramel cream liquor but I’m not touching it. Otherwise that’s all that’s left in the house.

I went to the gym yesterday after work and did abs and shoulders. Going to go again after work. Not sure what I’ll do. Maybe legs. Idk.

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I got my kindle reader last night and read the first chapter. Going for the morning walk now.

Downstairs neghboor set his carpet on fire, so the fire department came and we had to wait outside while they took care of it. I don't understand how he hasn't gotten kicked out yet with his drug use which isn't allowed here (crack) and him bringing prostitutes all the time

Also a guy who lives here who has schizophrenia and is also on drugs started cussing me out completely randomly today. I was walking out the door and he just started going off. I don't ever interact with him or even know him well. All I know about him is that he lives here. I know it's not really his fault but it's still upsetting

Random question Is a battery case (like a case you put on your phone that charges it while acting as a case too) worth it? I have an old iPhone 8 Plus and the battery is so depleted but I can’t afford a new phone right now or any time soon. I just need a way to keep it from dying so frequently.

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Here it is

You know what, I’m not going to drink that beer. I’ll use it for cooking or something.

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I looked up how to replace your battery with one of those kits but I’m kinda afraid to do that.

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I called the electronics place near here and they said they can replace the battery for $70 plus tax and it takes about 30 minutes. I might do that. I hate spending money on stuff like this but it’s a lot better than buying a new phone which is so not in my budget

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Got nothing to do at work today really. Had a meeting this morning and a couple things to do but I’m sitting around a lot.

I went for lunch in the cafeteria. Got a salad with lots of chicken, some veggies and dip, and a cherry Coke Zero.

I sat there for an hour and twenty minutes (I only really get an hour for lunch). And no one even noticed I was gone so I’m not bothered.

Now I’m watching a soap opera and then I have an hour left of the day.

Going to the gym after work.

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Great in chili!

I made this ‘Mexican’ chicken stew before that has like beer and tomatillos and stuff in it.

My mom has this recipe for meatballs with sauce that has beer. Maybe we’ll make that.

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I've been eating a lot of egg noodles. I make them with butter, salt, parmesan cheese, and parsely. It's simple but so good

Ooh throw in some lemon juice make it pop more.

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That’s a good idea

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I feel like overwhelmed in my relationship. Like lately I just don’t feel connected to my boyfriend. And it’s completely on my part, it’s nothing he’s doing. It’s me. I just feel disconnected from people in general so a relationship is hard to maintain. It feels like a chore lately. :/ I feel smothered if that makes sense.

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Maybe I just miss all my free time that didn’t have to be spent with someone else or focused on someone else. Idk. I want it back though. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t feel the connection I felt when I was manic.

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One of the key things to a good relationship is being true to your feelings and open with the other person. It’s hard because you don’t have a lot of excuses like work or school that you can say you’re busy with but I would try to find an excuse that he feels is valid and go with that. To me I need to work on my art or music is valid but idk if he would see it as dismissive?

Yeah that’s true. He would understand that. He is a musician and takes guitar lessons and is super good at guitar and really into music. So he’s like supportive when I need to spend time working on ukulele or keyboard etc. I think I’m just overthinking/over complicating things that are okay. I think maybe because I don’t have school or work right now maybe that’s why it feels overwhelming because it feels like the one thing in my life

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I don't love people back enough and it hurts them. I never initiated the things in the first place.

I walk around.. Lonely lone wolf.. People find me, and I talk... They become themselves around me (When they aren't with anyone else). I don't understand.

The world is obviously significantly more evil than I am.

Feeling extremely dissociated tonight

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