Roll Call 199

After I manage to do this for a significant amount of time I’m gonna work on cutting out caffeine. Just doing one thing at a time though.

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I'm okay I guess. Just feeling dead and numb and dissociated in my meaningless life.

What a nightmare

One of the cats got way up high above the cages and I couldn’t get to her, I tried standing on something to reach and grab her but she kept screaming and hissing and biting, eventually I had one of the employees come in and get her down.

Then there was the trio of cats and I couldn’t find one of them to put back in their cage, like I had two of them but couldn’t find the third. It was hiding inside the cabinet

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Good to see you, I’m sorry you’re struggling though

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I panicked and thought oh **** I lost a cat

What a stressful volunteer job. It’s fun but it’s also stressful as **** when something like that happens. I probably didn’t do as great a job cleaning out all of their cages today because my stress was so high and I was dissociating.

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I got scratched, it's not bad just hoping it doesn't get infected

I highly recommend the Great Courses lectures by Daniel Robinson, Rufus Fears, and, and Michael Sugrue, they're the best!

I got a referral to a hepatology clinic and a bunch of blood tests I have to do two weeks beforehand.

I guess my doctor is worried about my liver. He didn’t say anything when I saw him last.

Oh well I have like a month to get my act together. Stop drinking, workout a lot.

Hopefully everything is okay.

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No headache for about a week now, or a stiff neck. Went to the doctor and they updated by shots and did blood work to see how my salt level was. All I've been drinking is 1 coffee every morning, water, tea, and water-downed Pedialyte. Apparently low salt levels in the blood will make the brain expand, and cause hemorrhages if it gets serious, so it was the right thing to go to the ER and figure all this stuff out, and I lowered the Trileptal too. All my ducks are in a row now health wise.

Welp, I better get back to writing, I have dreams to write about for my book. If any of you are suffering from PTSD, I can't express enough how therapeutic writing has been, but it's all about finding the right story for you.

Anxiety

After watching a documentary a few weeks ago on how horrible junk food effects mood and well being I stopped buying junk food but today I went nearly 100% natural, no preservatives. Trader Joe's is awesome.

Life is too much for me

And it will be like this even in the afterlife.. I hope not. That I just go on some rollercoaster spiral of geometric nonsensical colours and flashes.

I've had enough. Give me a break.

I hate myself and I'm still dissociating severely

I'm shaking and crying and disconnected and numb at the same time, I feel like I'm not in my body. Stress just sets me off sometimes.

I don't handle stress well at all. Even when I'm not stressed this happens sometimes. I don't know if I'll be able to handle going back to college right now. I'm barely managing to cope with stress and anxiety over the volunteering once a week. I am always paranoid that I'll do something wrong or that they'll get rid of me because I'm not good enough or not doing a good enough job. Just this little thing today sent me into full blown dissociation and panic and crying and wanting to myself. My brain tries to protect itself and disconnects but then that just makes things even worse

I'm also worried I'll get kicked out of my apartment. There's no reason to believe that but it's a constant worry for me

Hugs BB.

I smoked a specific strain, bathed in the sun outside (Before the clouds and smoke came rolling in), very relaxing.

Imagine how I am - Relaxing mental states are possible (With whichever med, environmental situation, change in habits etc). We must not give up.

It's all perspective - And sometimes, with trauma? You just have to try and figure it out.. then once you understand, you have new insight. Don't be too hard on self. We all do what we can.. We are bullets shot by a drunken God.

Hold on, I have quotes;

"A Google hog pile can be confusing, but in this instance it is spot on. The opposite of fear is acceptance, which leads to curiosity, which leads to a sense of understanding, which leads to feelings of safety, trust, and finally, love."

"Buddhism sees the physical plane as dualistic and impermanent. From this perspective, there is male and female, north and south, etc. As we transcend physical reality we see it is clear that the physical plane is simply a manifestation of the one unchanging truth. It appears to fluctuate but is really in constant union with the source. Meditation is the path to this truth."

And with dissociation.. , the more you're in it, it is difficult. The brain needs to relax. I'd take a clonazepam if I were you, give your mind a break (When in these states).

Thank you Desoxyn

I did end up taking a klonopin. And I played a videogame for an hour and that seemed to help relax me, I don’t feel as on edge, my brain just kind of implodes sometimes I guess lol

I need to meditate more. And start exercising again. And get sunlight. All those things are helpful

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The world has gone mad and is compatible with manic-depression and psychosis. Eventually it'll be compatible with ADHD.

In the dark corners of the alleyway, a woman - Drunk and high on multiple Chinese fentalogues, stumbles and dissociates - On her way to... Yknow.

And so, .. Any possible reality I can imagine - How it is.. Drinking hot soup on a cold, rainy day, talking with loved ones, watching the storm, talking about work etc..

What's it all, really. Do I want to be energetic, figure out the deepest realities behind the curtain of every day consciousness.. Or be calm, look inward, finding divinity in that way..

I'm not sure. Maybe it has to be both, to just live.. I'd write about it all, ketamine myself into a God, creating my own realities.. I want to see it all TBH. But of course, there's immense horrors and disturbing things... Idk if I will be able to handle it - No one can.. I'm a good person..

Defeat evil, that's what good people do.. That's what.. But it's important to learn, experience, observe, and play... Feelings of euphoria? Genius? Love? All things.. everything.. I've felt the most negative and disturbing emotions already.

What I have to say, is.. the truth. The truth sets you free - But do I really care, being an idealist? It's a mixed up thing... I'll figure it out.. All religions are true yknow, all one God, within ourselves and every divine particle or simulated pixel - 1's and 0's, hyper calculated through electrical wires, sent through the depths of outer space.. Communication signals. Some drunk entity will read this in many centuries, and think "This person, I will astral project into - And end this post with one word..

Enjoy".

I spent $6000 for 3 months on an upcoming airbnb but I'm so deathly tired of cheap filthy airbnb's in horrible neighborhoods ran by messed up hosts. I just have to make money in the next 4 months or I'm forced to be homeless.

Trying to fill up my time with fun experiences instead of just sitting around drinking alcohol.

I had that free concert last Friday. I’m going to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie this weekend with my sister.

Don’t have anything coming up next week or so but I just impulsively bought two tickets for a Canadian football game beginning of June. Going to make my sister come with me.

Also I roped my sister into coming with me at the end of June for a football (soccer) match.

I’m taking a week vacation near the end of June as well and getting a massage.

So in between all this I’ll find other things to do and go to the gym a lot. It’s getting nice outside and I’m not afraid to be in public anymore because of COVID so I’m going to put myself out there.

I mean things costs money, sure, and I should be saving but it’s either spend it on fun things or be sad and spend it on alcohol. My doctor thinks that getting out of the house will be good for my mental health because I’m working from home four days a week.

So I’m getting out and doing things. It’ll be fun.

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Yeah seeing the new Marvel movie on Saturday. I have a chiropractor appointment Saturday morning and then going to the movie. Going to get the dogs’ nails trimmed on Sunday.

Going to try to go to the gym today, and then hopefully a bunch of times the next week. Going to get back into a good rhythm.

Not going to buy alcohol.

Going to find things to do for the next couple weeks. I’m considering buying more tickets for another football/soccer match. Idk I want something to do haha.

I’m watching to see if I’m hypomanic. I slept like six hours last night. I usually sleep more. And I impulsively bought those tickets last night.

I’ll keep an eye on it. I hope everything is okay. I feel good. Optimistic.

Going to see a movie, appointments, football, pride, probably zoo in there, massage, football/soccer. And gym. Lots of gym.

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I went for a well needed walk this morning. Woke up this morning with way too much anxiety and uneasy feeling. So I'll probably go for another walk later today.

At least I'm eating healthy now and taking vitamins and omega 3 supplements. Not sure how much the vitamins will help or is it just wasted.

Another day working on being a web designer and content creator. Life's still boring. Wish I had at least one friend in real life. I'm looking forward to moving out of this airbnb hellpit and moving to a beach airbnb in an area I grew up. Life should get a lot better then.

Just got back from the dentist

So they ended up not needing to do the filling when they re-read the X-ray. So instead they worked on repairing my chipped front tooth. So that’s fixed now. Didn’t even have to numb me for it. They drilled some but it wasn’t painful.

Have another appointment in July to get my 7 year old crown replaced then I’m done. That one may take a few appointments though.

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Today is the most mentally stable of days. I'm gonna plan to read books again...

I had such vivid dreams, good sleep. Damn I need a lot of sleep though - But during the day?, nice calm, good mood, focus and wakefulness! All things are coming together....

I should have had the Invega Trinza injection yesterday - But will on Friday. I don't want to take!