Roll Call 200

I'm 12 days binge/purge free! The longest I've gone since August!

I finished up a journal yesterday too. Started a new one at some point when night turns to morning. I always put a quote on the front page from a song or a poem and on the front I misspelled "poisonous" as "poisoinus" (I was a little drunk) and now I'm going to have to deal with seeing that for the next couple months. Oh well.

Remember what happened last time you went off your meds? Do you really want that to happen again?

No I don’t want it to happen again, I guess I just get frustrated with them sometimes and get impulsive. I need to stay on them though. Yeah last time I went off them I barely slept for days at a time and posted nude pics on a adult website and was talking with a bunch of random people and exchanging pics, so not a great thing, and spent ridiculous amounts of money which I’m still trying to recover from financially. I guess I should just remind myself of those things sometimes. Really out of character for me and I ended up mortified telling my therapist all of what went on. I definitely don’t want to do that again

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So today's plans/to do are:

-My volunteer shift
-Treadmill, 30 minutes with the incline on and then some weights and squats with resistance bands
-Clean some
-Practice ukulele for an hour and a half
-read
-shower
-Watch anime with my boyfriend when he gets off work tonight

It's okay. I get it. I asked to be put on injections so I couldn't skip doses/cheek meds/throw them up after being checked (like while being med monitored or IP). I still want to stop them because I get frustrated with the side effects, but I'd rather feel a little restless and a little duller than usual than be broke, alone, guilt-ridden, ashamed, and humiliated.

One of the DBT skills I learned was making a pros and cons chart (not just a list). Maybe you could do that with taking your meds?

I haven't tried making a pros/cons chart for my meds, I'll give that a try, thank you!

Yeah when I was on injections it helped me not mess with my meds. But the meds I'm on now help me a lot and they don't come in injection form, one of them does but the other three of them don't

Volunteering went well today. There were only 4 cats today. Two of them were tiny tiny kittens. Like super itty bitty.

There was a notice saying to text this person to get a volunteer shirt to wear when volunteering so I texted her and am waiting to hear back.

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The kitties were all so sweet. The little kittens were purring constantly and Sammel and Ella (older cats) were also love bugs

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Here’s one of the kittens from today

Oh I almost forgot when I was getting on the bus today, the lady driving stopped me and said “before you pay, name a song by that band (I was wearing a Nirvana shirt) and I’ll let you on for free so I did and I got on for free lol that was a cool surprise

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Getting a haircut and my eyebrows done this weekend. After brunch with my sister.

Sorry for posting so much. I’ve been up since 2:30am. It’s 3pm now. Tired and having a million thoughts so I keep posting.

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I've been craving a good rare steak for years! Wish I could get one. Maybe for my birthday my friend will take me out for one.

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I took my shower so I feel very accomplished. I didn't think I could do it today because of anxiety, but I pushed myself and got it done. I'm famished. The more I eat the hungrier I get.

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I've been having terrible anxiety attacks when I go outside to vape and then when I go back inside. I feel anxiety, like my legs are hard to move and like I need to sit down asap. I shake, and then I continue on to my room, and it gets a little better. What is it I'm feeling, Blue_Bird and Des? Am I dissociating?

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Anxiety can cause dissociation (But for few people). Dissociation is more "mind", disconnecting from your body, the world feeling "unreal", or thoughts feeling like hallucinations.

I'm sorry though.. The more you go outside, the easier it should get (Like agoraphobia) - Talking to people, and having nice conversations help, finding meaning.. In a quite terrible place. But if you have a phone (Or some technology), to connect to the internet, talk with people, watch movies and such, that's an awesome thing.

I remember (In the psych ward), I smuggled in a "weed vape" - I walked in, and had a panic attack. My legs were shaking so bad (I've never experienced that before). They gave me a drug test, and Seroquel. I felt better (Although they complained about the "THC", and locked me down).

That was in 2017 (A few months after my bad trip) - At one moment, I was dissociating (DPDR), and they didn't know what was wrong with me.. I said "It's like psychosis or anxiety, but it's not that..) - Usually, psychiatric teams don't know what depersonalization/derealization (Dissociation) is. It happens from trauma and stress.

They put me on Lexapro, and it made it sooo much worse - I stopped the next day. Same thing happened with Prozac (When I got out).

I spent years and years, having episodes of dissociation, not knowing what it was, and WHY. It was a long road/process.

What else was I gonna say.. Something important.. Oh yeah, the benzo dependency (In the past) - Can contribute to dissociation. It would be nice if they gave you something relaxing, Tizanidine, something at least..

Good job, on having the shower though! =]

do you feel like it's related to going outside? or is it not related to that, cause that's sometimes how I feel when I deal with my agoraphobic tendencies. I'm not a professional though so I could be off, definitely mention it to your psychiatrist, Sometimes when I'm dissociating when I'm outside on busy streets it feels hard to walk, hard to keep moving my legs and I feel very strange when I do. It's like I'm so dissociated and disconnected that I can't remember how to move my legs

I definitely get cut off from my body and that might be the worst thing. It's as if my legs are connected to someone else, the more I try to move my legs and feet the more they feel alien. It's never been this bad before just recently. This week it's been a lot better, I walked without so much panic. Thanks for your reply.

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Yes, that sounds exactly like what I feel with my legs and feet. I don't know why it only just affects me when I go out and back in from vaping. Maybe it does have something to do with agoraphobia. The closest I got with this was when I used to ride the subway and I'd feel like I might throw myself on the tracks so I'd put my arms around a pillar to try to feel safe. The past three days it hasn't been as bad, thank goodness. But it's very scary. Maybe part of it is having to file in and out before and behind the other smokers. Thank you for your reply.

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I’m so tired and wired at the same time and feel like my brain is melting and have been texting way too much and messaging people and posting on here too much like I can’t slow down. Lack of sleep combined with not taking my meds is a really bad combo for me. I feel hyped as **** and excited and euphoric but I also feel like crying for no reason. I’m taking my meds later because I feel like my brain won’t slow down and I’m driving myself crazy

I feel like I’m in a bad trip if that makes sense. The only thing I’ve ever tripped on many many many years ago (like 10 years ago) I used to “robotrip” on DXM

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I hope the anxiety improves Angelique

And great job on the shower, that can be very difficult to do when not feeling well
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Just a caution, be careful with THC vapes. The people who got sick from vaping a few years ago were only using a weed vape to which vitamin e was added to give the liquid body. But it's an oil and oil and lungs don't mix. You never know what they might be adding in if it's an illegal or unregulated product.

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Thank you, Blue_Bird!

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I took my night meds. I’m gonna watch some anime with my bf then try to sleep

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I have a dentist appointment in August 30th to get one of my crowns replaced. Once that’s taken care of (it might take more than one appointment) I’ll be done with dental work. Hoping to keep up with good dental hygiene.

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Hey what do you guys do when you start to have negative thoughts, and they start to spiral out of control. I had all this in check but a group of toxic people did something unconscionable to me and it pisses me off. I wont get an apology either. I resolved my ptsd, but I have to deal with this again because of them. I start to get angry, and I think about the injustice and it gets out of control, and by bed time my head is spiraling and my internal dialogue is uncontrollable. I talked with my psychologist and he really didn't offer advice. He said to try to stop it early on, but i need better advice, something that works better. Any advice?