Roll Call 200

Sorry I got the "soul" wrong - I asked ChatGPT and it gave a better answer;

"In many religious traditions, a soul is considered an immaterial and eternal essence that is unique to each individual."

Yeah, I mean I have been diagnosed as having manic episodes, and the chemicals in my veins thing is definitely a scary thing when it happens. Idk if that can be stress induced or what though, but it happens even outside of outside stressors. So I don’t really know. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m doing well. I guess it is possible to have both things.

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My boyfriend is teaching me everything he knows about music theory. From the ground up. So we’re starting with the basics and going through ALL of it. It’s gonna be a long process but I’m excited to start learning. It’s gonna be fun.

He’s played guitar for 15 years and his current guitar teacher has taught famous rock guitarists. So he knows quite a lot.

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I understand wanting labels that are clean cut and simple (and fixable) but eh, it is what it is. If you’re happy that’s all that matters.

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I'm unimaginably confused

Emotionally, genius autist kitty gf helped me

I'm sleepy now... But waking up in the morning? It will be like trying to carry a heavy semi-truck, up a mountain.

I was late for work yesterday morning, by an hour. The powerful stimulant dose doesn't wake me up.

But before all of this, I cried.. Cuz saying terrible things about life makes God cry.

I'm in a trauma bond with my mom. Her cough is evil. I have schiz (Or maybe not).

I think I'm making up awful memories of my childhood. I know it wasn't great all the time, but a couple years ago I felt like and then nothing for a few years, and then recently I've had that feeling happen more and more. It feels like a flashback, but I know it's not because it didn't happen. wtf is wrong with me?

Feel more stable mood wise. Woke up with a headache. Took some Tylenol and caffeine and it started going away - my temp was low 35.8-36C. Now my headache is back a bit but my temp is more normal.

Sad because I was planning to go to the gym today.

I have thyroiditis and that can cause my temp to go down, and low temp can cause a headache.

So that sucks.

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Music theory lesson with my bf today. Starting with Musical Alphabet, chromatics, enharmonics.

I’m also re-learning how to read sheet music. I used to know when I was in orchestra when I played violin but that was a long time ago and I forgot most of it

I have three instruments, I’m re-learning violin, learning piano and ukulele. Right now I’m focusing on piano cause I need new ukulele strings. I’m getting those in a few weeks though.

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I used to do that when I was young, examining my memories and creating new ones. It didn't serve any purpose. It didn't improve my mental health, in fact it made it worse. Everyone has bad memories, the idea is to let them go to save your sanity and get stronger.

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Learned the C major scale on piano with the proper finger positioning and technique

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Woke up at 5am because we’re babysitting our neighbors cat while she goes on vacation this week. Got the cat and supplies.

My mom and I then were watching tv and we ended up taking a four hour nap. So that ended my morning. I was hoping to go to the gym.

But apparently I needed that sleep. I didn’t have a headache this morning. Or low temp or anything.

So I’m awake now. Did some grocery shopping. Burgers for lunch. Frittata for dinner. Sausage, spinach, pepper, onion, and mushroom with cheddar and habanero cheese.

Made up the menu for this weeks dinners.

I feel most of my weekend was wasted with sleeping and not feeling well so I’m going to take tomorrow off work and go get a cupping massage. Never had a cupping massage before. New experience!

I am also going to call my doctor tomorrow to ask about the temp/headache/tired that I had. I’ve been pretty run down most of the week. Maybe my thyroid is more ****ed.

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I keep having negative thoughts and feelings pulling me down and making me want to end my life. I’m not going to. It’s just it still sucks to feel like that.

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I feel like I’ve made no progress in my life. My therapist says I’ve made a lot of progress especially this past year but I can’t see it.

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I’m saving to go back to college in January. But I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere compared to many other people. I feel like I’ve made no progress in just about everything. I struggle still with binge eating. It used to be restricting. Now I just binge whenever I feel upset or anxious. I’m struggle with hygiene. With cleaning. It’s a daily battle to get those things done. I feel paranoid half the time and on edge. I feel like I’m not making progress as a musician. I don’t want to be famous I just want to get better. I know it takes years and years to really become good. But I feel like I’m stuck. I mean I’m just now taking it seriously so maybe it will change. My bf said progress is really slow and frustrating but it happens if you keep working at it and learning everyday.

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It’s late but I cut up some potatoes and tossed in olive oil and several seasonings then baked them. This is them before going into the oven. I guess I needed something practical and to do to take my mind off things and I’ve had some potatoes I’ve been meaning to cook so I did that. Once they were baked I had some with some ketchup to dip them in, they’re kinda spicy. And put the leftovers away. I did this while listening to Christmas music. Something about Christmas music and cooking or baking really helps my mood and makes me feel accomplished and I pretend it’s Christmas Eve and that I’m doing my holiday baking. Even though it’s July.

Normally I like to chop and onion to bake along with the potato’s but I didn’t have one so this was fine

Also I have a frozen pack of chicken drumsticks. There’s like 3 drumsticks (it’s a small pack) I don’t know how to cook them, never cooked drumsticks before. I assume I can bake them though. I’ll have to see if I can find a guide online. I’d like to bake them then serve them with instant mashed potatoes and veggies

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Night mania!

I'm motivated as all hell.. My dad visiting is really, really motivating for me.. He's a real shaman. We always enjoy spending time together, and have no problem with each other, never did. He always lifts me up =]

I gotta get to sleep though, almost 3am.

I think I discovered the cure for my panic with the doorway, wait for everyone else to go first instead of being stuck behind them going an inch a minute. It really helps to be able to just walk through!

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Blue_Bird, I don't know if this will help you or not, but I've been playing guitar and writing songs for some 10 odd years and I still feel like a failure. I'm not a complete failure. But I feel like one. I think it's ****ing awesome that you're getting back into music. I don't know - music is therapeutic for me - I need music - I crave music - just as I crave ideas - I crave knowledge - I crave to write.

Anyway, hopefully that is at least somewhat helpful.

Thanks WA, I think a lot of times we're our own worst critics which is why we can sometimes feel like failures. Music is very therapuetic to me too. Everyday I've been picking up my ukulele or piano and practicing, and it just feels good, there's not a time where it doesn't help my mood in some way. Today I learned how to play Zelda's Lullaby (from the videogames) on piano, and I felt a great sense of accomplishment at that. I love music, listening to it, learning to play it etc. I think progress takes time but there's no rush and I'm enjoying learning new stuff everyday and practicing. I'm also excited about beginning to learn music theory. I think it will help me become a better musician in the long run, being able to understand it more. I'm glad you have music too and your writing, creative outlets are very important and therapuetic

Speaking of music I requested a book about music theory from the library, should be ready to be picked up sometime this week. Should help with learning it, in addition to the lessons from my bf on theory every week.

Oh forgot to mention, I’m getting that haircut next Thursday. And eyebrows waxed. Hopefully it makes me feel a little refreshed. Anyway, yeah I’ve wanted this haircut for awhile. Someday when I can afford to I’ll get fun colors. But in the meantime the haircut is enough

I never thought I was a failure. All I do is observe reality - And I'll do that for hundreds of billions of years.

I'm back on 5mg of olanzepine - It seems to make my cognition much better.

I'll try and make millions still, and vacate in some tropicals though.

Yeah so I took today off work. Got a cupping massage. It was great. Very therapeutic and intense. Would do again. I have cupping marks all on my back and above my boobs. Makes me laugh.

Did some light shopping with my mom. My sister took a mental health day and just stayed in the basement playing video games. I was hoping to go somewhere for lunch but she didn’t want to. Oh well. Hard to get her out of the house when she gets into video game mode.

Anyway, I called my doctor’s office and got an appointment for Thursday afternoon. I’m supposed to work in the office that day training someone but I’ll see if I can switch with someone else, otherwise I’ll just have to work half in office, rest of the day at home.

I don’t want to change the appointment. It’s the only time I can get in this week. My boss will just have to understand.

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I’m trying to learn the difference between emotion mind and wise mind, and like not acting immediately on urges. Like when I feel the urge to binge eat setting a timer for 15 minutes and not doing it for that time. Usually urges pass pretty quickly it’s just waiting it out could actually help me if I start doing that. This applies to other urges like shopping, and texting people in the middle of the night about random stuff that pops into my minds that I’ll feel like an overwhelming sense that I HAVE to share this immediately. That’s emotion mind. Usually when the feelings are overwhelming it’s emotion mind. That’s what I’m learning anyway. And to not take action when in that mind. To hold off until it passes cause it will. Also the impulsive breaking up with my boyfriend because I did that a few times. I get overwhelmed then feel this sense that I HAVE to be alone right now so I try to cut off all my relationships. Idk. I’m just bizarre I guess. Anyway, I’m trying to work on it. (We’re still together by the way, that happened a few weeks ago) he talked me through it because he knew I was just being impulsive and that it would pass.
And stopping my meds. That’s the other impulsive thing I do

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