Roll Call 200

Practiced piano for 30 minutes today.

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I’m aiming to practice piano 2 hours a day everyday, when I don’t have volunteering. I don’t have much else going on right now I might as well use the time towards improving a skill. Im trying to really improve and learn. I love learning music and playing music. It helps my mental health and makes me feel proud when I accomplish something.

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Went for a hike! Beautiful, hot day - But nice breeze =]

I wasn't out of breath once. If it was hot all year round, I'd exercise very often.. But winter comes, and I become a cold, depressed, sloth.

How is everyone doing today?

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I have RLS and I'm so sick of it. It's concentrated in my butt and my ankles and I wish I had some Klonopin for it. It's miserable. I'm going to take my socks off and maybe I could stretch some of the water in my ankles.

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This new med is whooping my ***. If I fall asleep again today I can't take it in the morning anymore. Anyone know if naltrexone still works if you take it at night? I'd ask my doc, but she's on vay-k and her fill-in flat out refused to talk to me yesterday.

The sky is so pretty right now. It's staying dark later so you can still see the stars * * * ** * * * * *

I hope the naltrexone puts me back to sleep because I didn't even get three hours last night. I feel so drowsy but not tired

I was on naltrexone for awhile for appetite suppressant but I don’t remember much about it other than that I took it in the mornings

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Aren’t there specific meds for treating RLS? I could be wrong. I’m not sure. Maybe you could ask someone there about it? But RLS is a nightmare. I hope you feel better soon. I used to get it really bad from seroquel.

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Good morning. Got up at 5am like I planned on. Meditated for 20 minutes, journaled and read some of the book I’m reading. Took my morning meds. Heading out for a walk downtown to CVS (40 minute walk all together) to pick up some of my meds. Then coming back, calling my doctors office and asking about propranolol. Then doing some squats, weights, crunches, and 15 minutes of yoga. Then starting on cleaning my apartment and doing laundry. That should take a couple hours. Then I’ll practice piano for 2 hours. Plan on learning some Zelda songs on piano.

Then watching anime with my boyfriend tonight when he gets off work and out of his guitar lesson afterward.

Probably will throw in another 30 minutes of meditation today at some point and plan on reading more before bed.

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My septum piercing is healing nicely. Doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s been 2 weeks since I got it. Takes 2-3 months to fully heal though. Anyway, I’m happy with it.

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I did a 30 minute walk, most of which was up a long very steep hill. Did 20 squats with resistance bands, did 20 crunches, 60 bicep curls with 8lb weights. I tried to do yoga immediately after all that but I couldn’t because my arms and stuff were shaking way too much, so I listened to my body and stopped. I will do the yoga later tonight after I rest some, if I can. Pushed myself a little too hard right away.

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I called my psychs office and left a message with the nurse asking about switching the klonopin to propranolol. Probably won’t hear back till next week but I’m glad I called and asked.

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Hahaha I feel awesome.

You know, phenylephrine is used in hemorrhoid medications (topically) and while I can’t find anything about causing mania or hypomania - it does say in general a side effect could be mood changes.

So I feel great!



I guess I’m a way it’s a good thing I’m stopped from it but awwwww. Disappointed.

I shouldn’t do anything just wait it out.

I’ll just try to enjoy this up mood

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Didn't really sleep just kinda laid there dazed in "the grey land" for a few hours kinda like I would when I was doing opiates, minus the swim of euphoria throughout my body. Right now I feel like I would after the high wore off minus the cravings. Soulless. The little bit of the God force that was in me has abandoned me yet again. Logically I know He'll come back, but it just feels like this vast emptiness will stay permanently. I seem to feel empty a lot of the time. Maybe I just need to meditate more.

I have therapy today. I'm going to tell her I have no clue wtf happened on July 6th. Well, I know what I did... I just don't know why or how I feel about it

They're only giving me a week's worth of valium at a time and I dumped my stash so I'm safe.

Tempted to stop my meds. They cold-turkeyed me off Lamictal in the hospital because everyone kept telling them I wasn't taking the meds so they're convinced I'm not taking them so why should I bother if no one believes me or sees any improvement when I do take them consistently? Maybe I'm not even schizo. It's possible I just have the capability to shift to different universes and sometimes they overlap. I've been to realities where all it is is Hell and God is but a slave to
all the sinners. I've been to realities where I am the supreme being of nothing, which is even more powerful than the supreme being of all because there's more nothing than there is everything.

But these meds. I guess Haldol has helped a lot with my anger outbursts, but I feel like that should've been dealt with in therapy rather than just sedated out of my system. Those outbursts were more emotional flashbacks than anything. I still get them, I just can put a brake between "feeling" and "reaction" now.

This summer is the opposite of last year. Last year was drought stricken. This year we're in a flash flood warning every other day it seems. I was crazy last year. Blackouts. Using meth without even knowing I did. Delusions of kidnapping and sex trafficking. Demons. Days and days and days without sleeping. I have dreams of my father setting my cats on fire. I hope there hasn't been any incidents at his house.

I’m starting to think my diagnosis is just borderline personality disorder and not anything else (my other one is schizoaffective disorder bipolar type), I just think BPD sums up my issues pretty well. I used to be a lot worse 10 years ago. I tried to

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Yeah definitely don’t make any major decisions right now when feeling like that

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Well, I looked into treatments for it more than 20 years ago and there was nothing for it except for Klonopin. Maybe by now they have something better I could take. I didn't realize it's been so long. I'll see, if I go to a doctor.

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My friend came by and my roommate complained, and it was weird. I looked horrible because I napped instead of dealing with how I looked. I hope next time I'll look better. He is gorgeous and people must wonder why he's with me.

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I love the stars =[

I had RSL (I think similar.. Like real tension in my legs..). 0.25mg of clonazepam helped.

They need to stop being Nazis..

I am a schizoid. And that is the end of this broadcast.

Now, back to your cages. We have a beaten clown, to make shapes out of black balloons, to entertain you. So you don't think too much about the outside world - And who is going through unimaginable horrors.

Control is the main thing, that happens to all particles. We have freedom now.. And I can do anything, have anything I want. Unlimited possibilities.

Once the trauma wears off (It started when the teacher wouldn't let me play in the sandbox, but let everyone else) - I realized.. "This society has evil people. Why am I here", then I'll figure out exactly how to direct my motivation to the right things (With my life). And listen to Jordan Petersons' advice...

I would sit and do math well, until my parents split up. My dad threw kitchen supplies through the window. There was glass and blood everywhere.

Anyways, I believe that everything can be explained with math, and reality will evolve into pure mathematics - Languages, transportation, child birth... Everything is just an idea I guess.. Ah.. Ignore me.. I'll shut up..

I hope you all have a good day (:

I mean it’s worth exploring, but I know from stuff you’ve said you’ve had mania and delusional thinking (chemicals in your veins).

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We worry about you! If I could channel all of the love (In the universe), and give you a hug, then you'll feel that (:

Something I can say that might help: If you think about "space", it's not more nothingness (Than "matter", as space is irrelevant) - I believe that it's all "consciousness".. So "everything" IS "nothing" (Which are both God).. But to live a good, infinite life, we look to God as guiding us with love.

There really is just "Nothing" and "Love" (Underneath all the nosense/sensical things) - Those are what you'd see, if you just disappeared.. - Then pattens/reality appears.. But we're on a specific timeline, like how Eminem (Or it's just a phrase, idk) said, "God gave you those shoes, so put them on and wear them".. We're all connected (On this timeline - For however long "I" live, and however long "You" live - Like tree/forest thing). The others reading this? They care! And they want the best for all people here...

We are loving people here, no evil.. Although there is evil in all humans, and just gotta try and defeat evil.. And do good (As best as we can - Not everyone will be able to do it.. Some can give into devil temptation.. Like tree fruit, redeem themselves, be a "fallen angel" etc).. It can be nonsense if you think about this stuff too much (But I'll say more about this later);

A supreme being of nothing, would be some form of nihilism (I deal with this a lot). It used to just be "Nihilism" (When I was an atheist) - But now it's "Infinite nihilism" (Cuz I'm now a panentheist) - But it's just something that we must overcome, all in our own unique ways.. Good mental state, brain chems, loving support and to live a good life (: Many "Gen Z" kids are quite nihilistic - Why not when the planet is dying? - Mother Earth.. Has to be respected.. It's where we came from.. And corporations (That extract from the planet, to sell to people/consumers that "want" more and more, to satisfy their problems, pollute, trash and repeat - For money) - Those corporations are "entities" (Just like anything, of complex machinery - Or have souls - Divine entities).

I'm not sure what a soul is.. (People debate, but no one can really explain I don't think) - But maybe it's like a Tide Pod that contains more love than fear? As fear can .. (Hold on I'll find a Bible verse) - Here: "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Instead, fear the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." - So "Hell" is any overwhelming negative feeling/situation/environment etc.. So just growing up (In this world), I was a really fearful child.. And I denied the divine, and so then my soul was taken..

Thinking too much about all of this - Is why people need breaks... You are loved! A beautiful person.. Meditation really does help, or any other form of self care... Haldol can be good (Cuz it lowers activity of neurotransmitters, turns the electricity energy down, like dimming a light switch - Or in case with schiz? - A nuclear reactor that has a rod jammed, leaking radiation..) and Lamictal increases GABA (Relaxing neurotransmitter - Good for mania, and eases depression);

All of these meds are good, or bad.. No one can speak for them.. They're just molecules, and different for every person (Although meth can be kind of Satanic, as it's not real Godly "love", but Devilish "Lust" etc, dopamine.. No neurotransmitter has much morality - But when you flood the brain with 2000% dopamine, that seems kind of like a unique, identifiable THING, that exists..).

But the treatment teams? Psychiatry? Doctors? Nurses etc? They try to help.. Some can have bad intentions.. They are their own entity too... Like some of them can judge and say "If this heroin addict dies in our ER, it's sad - But he/she deserved it, and it was a choice" - When they could have just given some kid a prescription for hydrocodone, to live long enough to get help..

What people must do, is think their own thoughts, guided through compassion, love, empathy etc - for others (And know their own selves..).. That's why people say "The only way you can change the world is to change yourself" etc etc..

But anyways.. What I wrote might not be all correct and disorganized maybe.. But be kind to yourself, put one pearl on the string at a time.. Don't think too much! (Take breaks/give yourself times to relax...). We love you