Roll Call 200

I don't want them to be concerned about me
and take my drugs away
They are all I have
I also have my mind
But who knows how long it will stay.

Trying mindfulness and meditation everyday to help with my paranoia

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I'm not well. I admit this. For the first time in forever.

I took 5mg of olanzepine and 3mg of Invega.

The friend with autism... Her autism, messed up my mind - To proportions, beyond my comprehension. Now my mind is broken.

And so is this world. It's just a prison bubble, full of insane people. With evil entities, feeding off of each other, sharing energies, dying, rebirthing, etc etc..

My dad wants to visit, and to teach me to drive his Mustang.

I'm not capable of driving anymore. It's impossible. I'll just crash.

I get the Invega Trinza injection in 3 days.

I keep getting worried thinking my septum piercing is too low, or doesn’t look good. I feel like a lot of peoples are higher up in the nose. And I read something online about septum piercings being too low. Now I’m like obsessively checking my piercing and worrying it was screwed up when it was done or something.

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Maybe I’m just over analyzing it, idk.

I never thought of mixing tea with coffee before. I used to have a neighbor that loved putting a Lipton tea bag in his coffee. Always swore it was the best. I didn’t realize it was an actual thing

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I’m debating about the getting a permit thing. I think I dissociate and panic too much to safely drive.

I hope your injection helps

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Getting my hair cut in august then getting it professionally dyed emerald/forest green in October. I changed my mind on the blue. I think the green will look better on me. I’m excited.

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I feel much better!

Invega, olanzepine, * kicked in - and diazepam will calm me a little more.

Just balancing my brain chems, since over a decade ago.. Still the same agitation problems.. I'm at phase 2 of self-improvement..

I must improve further and learn even more.. Just the world is even more broken - As long as my neurochemistry is okay, it's good.

I wish I had someone, to guide me. Remember when I was talking about "The paradox?" - That known through so many religions and philosophies. I knew that.. But still was so isolated, and my conscience just kicked back, while I wrote stuff out of frustration and despair..

I wish I put my anger/agitation/mania into something good.. I could have been real creative and would have accomplished more meaningful things (Before the trip).. I just needed to be slapped, and woken up..

Bad things happened.. I'm not a kid anymore - But I was failed, miserably. And it was all by design. That's why society is this way - The rich get their yachts and private jets, islands, mansions, cars etc.. It's the problem that everyone thinks about. Suffering - We all die.. So no one cares..

Caring about/having empathy for other people/lives is one of the most positive things you can do.. But for me? I snap, and go into directions, out of frustration, and confusion..

But it's all good.. I'll write more later..

Went good with the dietician! Just catching up. She says it sounds like I’m doing good. Gave me kudos for stopping alcohol.

She even told me about this store here in the city that sells all sorts of alcohol free drinks. Fake wines, canned mocktails. They even had gluten free alcohol free beer! I bought a bunch of things. It was cool.

So I went there. Got a smoothie and a pita for lunch after the dietician. I made this spinach and mushroom parpadelle pasta for dinner. Then went to Walmart for some dog treats.

While at Walmart I started to feel hungry again so we ended up buying some pre seasoned chicken wings. Cooked them up and ate them after we got home. Finally got to eat them at 9pm hahaha.

We found these prepackaged ribs for $8 a rack - fresh racks of ribs were almost twice as that. So we’ll have those tomorrow for dinner.

Now I’m just watching this movie on TV and I’ll go to bed. I did get a peach green tea lemonade from Starbucks before I came home.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going for a quick trip to Costco first thing. Then I’ll go gym and just see where the day takes me. Probably keep it pretty chill.

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Oh no I forgot I’m going to see the new Indiana Jones movie tomorrow with my sister!

So Costco and movie. Don’t know if I’ll have time for the gym. Oh well.

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I've been very worried this past week. My friend is facing catastrophe since a terrible error at work. He won't let me contact him. This is awful because what if he tries to kill himself? What can I do. I can't do anything. I'm praying a lot but not on my knees. It's more intense on my knees with a prayer candle burning. I can't kneel here or burn candles. And I have to keep praying throughout the days. Several times a day.

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I think it looks great!

My standing up panic is bad today. But I made it outside and then back in.

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Thank you, I’m happy with it. Even if it’s not in the “perfect” placement I love it. Not everything is perfect. It may be because I jumped a bit when they put the needle in. It’s not like it looks glaringly off or bad or anything. Now to just let it heal. I will probably get some smaller diameter jewelry for it once it heals fully. I’m excited to try out different jewelry in it once it heals. It says 6-8 weeks for it to heal but I guess for most people it’s around 3-6 plus months for it to fully heal. And have to wait at least 3 months before changing the jewelry. I’m having fun looking at all the cute septum jewelry available

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I hope your friend will be okay and great job with making it outside today, it’s hard dealing with panic

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Hope you enjoy the movie And glad things are going well at with your dietician. I went to one once but never went back because I was kind of in denial about my eating disorder back then and didn’t want to deal with it. I think I eat fairly balanced now though. Having in person support is helpful though

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Here’s one I’m looking at

Here’s some I thought are cute , I personally probably wouldn’t be able to pull it off though, but here’s a cat, a bat, and a bee with a flower. Maybe for a special event or Halloween or something though

Thank you, Blue_Bird!

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My charoite ring. When I was in high school I used to listen to Siberian Khatru by Yes, and Late November by Pavlov's Dog, and fantasized living in Siberia. I've never been in Siberia, but my charoite has! It comes from eastern Siberia.


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Unfortunately I can't post a picture.

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Life is going smoothly and happy today (:

My multiple mental disorders are locked in a cage for now. I feed them bones to gnaw on, and some steaks when necessary.