Roll Call 200

Leg day with bonus foot.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday and I honestly felt guilty and uncomfortable about it.

I love the gym. It’s fun to me. But I need to watch myself. Leaving alcohol and anorexia and being addicted to exercise instead. It’s a slippery slope.

Otherwise I’m good.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Psilocybin made my heart beat a little harder - But had good thoughts. I was talking someone about "Avoidant PD" and he was like "I have Narcissistic PD" - I thought to myself "Why.. This is supposed to be a trippy, loving place".

All the love is dying in places. People just become toxic, immature etc.

Anyway, had a session of lying down, and thinking about everything.. I went to sleep at 1am, woke up at 1pm.

In the morning, my mom was banging around in the kitchen/making noise + The window was open (So cars were constantly driving by/machinery etc) - Had to get up and close it. The blinds were open, so I got up again and shut them, waiting for the dextroamphetamine to kick in... My mom kept waking me up (So I could make an appointment for the Invega Trinza injection that it overdue to take.., so I did that..).

I felt much better after a coffee etc, and getting ready for the day.. I want to listen to some podcast (About neuroscience), or continue reading some book - I guess that I also have to inform myself about corruption/society/conspiracies (Or else I'll feel FOMO)..

I’m glad things are going so well with the gym and everything cogladaid

Desoxyn, podcasts are great, I listen to a lot of them. Reading is fun too but sometimes focus isn’t super great so I just listen to a podcast cause I can do other things while I listen to one like clean or whatever, I hope you find some good ones

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I went to the board game/coffee event in the community room. I was the only person who showed up so I just sat there by myself and did a some of a jigsaw puzzle. At least it got me out of my apartment for awhile. I sat outside in the morning too, in the sun for like 20 minutes to try to get vitamin D. My mood has been pretty low the past few weeks and I’ve been struggling a lot with motivation to do basic things like clean, shower, cook, leave apartment, hygiene, etc. and had suicidal thoughts for a couple weeks. I feel a little better today though, I’m trying to make more of an effort to get out more. Even if it’s just to browse at the local library or sit in the community room or in the courtyard. Anything to get out of my walls and out of my head for a bit.

I practiced ukulele for 30 minutes tonight. Going to try to get on the treadmill tomorrow. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow too. I should probably bring up the struggles with doing basic things/low mood etc. I feel kind of embarrassed by the fact that I’ve been struggling with those kinds of things. At least I’ve kept up with volunteering though

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I realize that I've never had a problem with doing basic things (Since I took the Vyvanse as prescribed - For 4 years now).

10mg of Vyvanse BB?... No nvm, it'd make you too anxious... At least it does in the beginning.. Quite a bit for many..

I'm just grateful for that then.. That I'm stimulated. I used to complain (Heavy), cryyyingg on this forum, "I'm so tired/fatigued/sleepy/sedated etc".. And it didn't stop.. I slept for 16-18 hours a day..

Why must that have happened.. At least I've built tolerance to the antipsychotics now.. It was a miserable time.

I did nothing too. My ex step dad would get me to do labour every day - And when he saw me relaxing and thinking for myself? - He'd become afraid.. that I'd come to my senses or something (Like any normal prisoner would).

But I also had Avoidant PD, and isolated myself from everyone anyways.. Bad social anxiety. So I've spent.. My early 20's? - Doing the things that I should have done when I was a teenager.

Anyway, don't mind me..

My roommates consume more of my candy than I do. They eat two servings instead of one per night. Idk.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Wow I am feeling really low. I am seeing someone romantically and I shared a ton of stuff about my diagnosis and what not and now I have not the slightest idea what to do except end the relationship.

Talked to my program manager. So the first thing I’m working on is getting my permit. I’m studying the dmv manual and then in a couple weeks going to the dmv to take my permit test. Then will need to find a driving school that can help me get practice and learn to drive so I can get my license. Then I will be able to be a peer counselor because it requires a drivers license. Scared as hell to drive but maybe it will work out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m struggling today. All I want to do is go to the gym after work.

I can’t focus on work.

I’m hungry and I’m trying to convince myself to eat a protein bar. It feels like so much.

I feel I’m halfway between ‘don’t want to eat’ and ‘only want to eat healthy food’.

Why do I feel guilty about having bacon cheese fries last night?

Ugh.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So I told current partner on date three or so and now we’re at seven years….best to do it early on…

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yeah I did it early too. Trying to figure out how to proceed from here. Not easy but it's attainable.

I was.. afraid of my life.. And the spiritual/mental fatigue.. I anesthetized myself last night.

I'll let my psychiatrist know things.. I'll write them down later today (There's a solid note for myself!)..

I'm holding it all together.. Not many people have this much systematic chaos in their lives..

But I feel very good - I'll take nothing to self medicate today, my meds are very good.. I'll tell my mom, that I'm sorry for pushing her so much (About my symptoms - Cuz she has a lot of problems too/dealing with life) - She's just a person like me, trying her best.. and I should know that..

So we will work together.. I want to work together, with everyone in my life.. And tell the truth/be honest, as much as I can.. Live more simple, relaxed - That everything is okay..

I had a good appointment with my therapist. She said I’ve been making a lot of progress especially in the last year. I’ve had less severe symptoms, and I’ve been taking my meds more regularly, I’m volunteering every week, working on getting my permit so I can get a license and become a peer specialist, and going back to college in January. Often I compare myself to others achievements and feel like I’ve made zero progress and it affects my self esteem very negatively. She emailed me a scanned chapter from a cbt work book about self esteem so I’m gonna read that tonight.

She said my progress specifically this past year is very noticeable. I’m happy to hear that, I feel like I haven’t noticed it maybe. I just need to work on my self esteem so I can believe it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

She also mentioned that my psychiatrist of 8 years is retiring, so they’re going to move my case to one of their newer psychiatrists and he will take over. Which I’m so sad about. I’m really gonna miss having her, she was truly the best. I feel like she knew me so well. I have one more appointment with her. Next Tuesday. Then I’ll probably start seeing the new one from then on. She said the new guy is really great and everyone loves him. So hopefully it goes well.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

God/Good is guiding me (Against evil), for the rest of my life.. I am a saved soul.

And I will continue.. To live the best life. If my heart stops (Which is unlikely in my logical mind), then I've completed what I needed to do in this life.

Until then, I have much work to do!

I feel like an asshole.

My weightlifting belt! I bought 4XL and it was too big. Exchanged for a 3XL. Still too big. Ordered a 2XL. Remeasured and got them to exchange it before it shipped to an XL. Just got the XL and it’s just a touch too small.

So now I emailed them again all apologetic that I want to exchange it to 2XL.

Hopefully they let me exchange it with no fuss. If they won’t, I get it. It’s my mistake.

Ugh I feel so bad about it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I remember always changing my mind when sending Bitcoin to someone from the Netherlands. I said "I changed my order" a bunch of times, but he was real nice and patient with me, used "(:" smiles. He's in jail now.

Hahahaha the last part made me laugh. ‘He’s in jail now’.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Looks like I resolved everything (for the time being) with my significant other. I am so relieved.

Yeah I get impatient with myself when changing my mind (a lot of you know this on this forum).

The best thing I can tell you to do is just be patient with yourself or attempt to be patient with yourself. It's not easy.

Trying to push myself to exercise. Everything I read says exercise is good for when you have low energy or fatigue from meds or depression. I did 30 bicep curls (I think that’s what they’re called?) with my 8lb weights. I’m gonna do some squats with my resistance bands soon and maybe do some yoga too. Tomorrow I’m taking a 40 minute walk (that’s the amount of time it takes to walk to my friends house and back, we’re hanging out tomorrow).

I sat outside in the sun today for 20 minutes. Have a hard time tolerating the heat due to the meds but I am trying to get in fresh air for 20-30 minutes a day so it can help with mood, and vitamin D levels.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So I did 15 minutes of yoga, the 30 bicep curls with weights and am about to do 20 squats with resistance bands

I’m trying to get myself out of this slump I’ve been in

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Got injected again.. I saw the psychiatrist (With my mom), all is good. Got refills. Got a haircut too - But it made me anxious, and it was cut weird. I have trouble with communicating how he should cut it, and keep quiet. Oh well. I'm not good with appearance things.

I have this habit where I never know what to do with my vacation days from work and I end up just randomly trying to get rid of them near the end of the year and sometimes not even using them all so they carry over to the next year.

But this year! I managed to book a bunch off. I used a couple randomly earlier this year, took a week off last month, and I planned it out yesterday (and got all the days approved) that I have extended long weekends for the rest of the year.

I’m going to a football game beginning of August on Thursday night, so I booked Friday off. I managed to get some Fridays off before long weekends. As well.

So I have a couple three day weekends, four day weekends, five day weekends, and even have December 16th - 26th off.

Don’t have anything planned for those days but hey, at least I used all my vacation days. Probably just go to the gym and sleep in and laze around. Maybe get a massage. Idk.

And my boss told me I have three personal days left! Personal days I can just take off whenever I want a day off. Don’t need to book it or anything. So I’ll have to figure out some days to take them. Those don’t carry over.

My plan today is chiropractor, then gym, and maybe… idk video games? We’ll see.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Beautiful day =]

Beautiful life (:

Today will be the first day, without olanzepine.. I replaced the 5mg of olanzepine (In the evening) with 3mg of Invega (To take before sleep) - I still get to take 5mg of olanzepine PRN (In case anything bad happens).

I thought might have had to be on olanzepine forever.. I just needed the DPDR to go away.. And it did D; It was worse than psychosis.. And also, it spawned delusions..

I was really methodical with my mind.. And how to cure DPDR.. I had to take benzos (For panic attacks) - Only each time they happened (1mg, 2mg, then sometimes, 3mg lorazepam - At most)..

Knowing a little about neuroplasticity, the longer I had DPDR, the more my brain would have had it as it's default setting.. My eyes would move UP in direction.. And zig zag.. I've been horrified, beyond belief.. But I'm mostly healed now..

And in life, I'm in a good place.. Self medicating doesn't work for 99% of people long term. But with the help of psychiatrists.. Especially when they listened to me, was good.. You know it helps when a psychiatrist laughs and says "It's like I'm talking with one of my medical students" lol.. Am grateful though...

But still much work and healing needs to be done.. Lol ^-;