[fracturedreality]

Im 16, male. I can remember since age 8 or 9 being, i now realise, delusional. I recall running aevery time a car passed by because someome would take me away, I was also afraid other people could hear me think, so i used to supress my thoughs around others, as well, i used to be suspicious of a microphone in my retainer recoring what i said. I also, until recently, talked to my stuffed animals and was convinced they were real people, they talked back to me, though not audibly. As if the words were spoken right into my head. I used to try to feed them regularly and spent hours alone talking to them. Occasionally, it would occur to me that they may not be real, this thought would make me sick to my stomach, I actually threw up a few times. And send me into a depressed state for a few days until the thought went away.
A year or so ago, it occured to me again, and it occured to me a way of finding if it was real (having them identify a card before i saw it) but i couldnt bring myself to look at it the first few times.
When I finally did, I became quite depressed for a month or 2 and felt very detached from my surroundings.
Over the last few years, ive also been doing poorly in school, dropping form A's and B's to C's and D's. Mainly because I find it unbearable to sit and concentrate on working, i feel like i have to get up, and just walk. I take frequent bathroom breaks just to walk there.
Sometimes i also pace around in my basement for a while, other times i just sit still for long times and find it hard to make myself move. when im pacing my mind tends to race, i feel like i need to do something, i cant focus, single words, sometimes a few pop in and out of my head. I get a feeling i cant quite describe, it doesnt quite feel bad, rather, powerful, and i find it quite useful if i channel it to drawing or writing music which seems to be the only thing i can focus on for long periods of time.
Another strange habit of mine which has lead me to beleive i may be schizophrenic, I rehearse conversations in my head, almost constantly. It starts with a simple thought of me telling someone something, but it contiues, and i lose track of things and keep talking to this person in my head for a while, maybe 20 minuts or so, they dont say much, usually nothing. Sometimes, when i consider seeking help i imagine telling this to a therapist, and when i reach this part, i tell him how even this now, is just a rehersal, and that even that last line was and so on. So this post has played out in my head for some time now, though never gotten past that last part.

For a while I was doing well, but lately i cant concentrate. My grades are slipping, and my parents are becoming increasingly frustrated with my habits and i only have a few friends since i spend most of my time at home doing nothing.

Im considering seeking help, though im not sure how to go about it.

Thoughts, Suggestions?

[RozG]

do you have a doctor you could talk to....a counsellor...anybody? sorry but that's the only advice i can think of.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Hello fracturedreality,
The first thing I would like to do is to draw your attention to the Resources list posted as a sticky at the top of this discussion: Resources. I think what might be especially helpful to you are the links related to voice hearing. I would encourage you to check those resources out on your own schedule and take from them anything that you find to be personally helpful or relevant.

It's worth noting that there are different models of the "schizophrenic" process. The one that best fits my own personal situation (and may fit for you) is that of ego fragmentation. In this situation, "ego" refers to your personal sense of self identity. Situations that can produce ego fragmentation include...

- Drug use: Street drugs or prescription drugs can erode one's personal boundaries.
- Life transitions: Adolescence, the transition to adulthood and mid-life are all examples of times when one's sense of self-identity is in a state of transition, and thus, is already a little thin.
- Stress or trauma: Sustained stress or traumatic situations may produce a collapse of the egoic structure.

Those are just a few examples. You would have to think about it and determine if they fit your personal situation.

I get a feeling i cant quite describe, it doesnt quite feel bad, rather, powerful, and i find it quite useful if i channel it to drawing or writing music which seems to be the only thing i can focus on for long periods of time.

I tend to be very drawn to music myself. It speaks to me on a different level from ordinary conversation. This is the music that feels right for this space...

Music of the Hour:

I hope you'll continue to post here fracturedreality. No doubt, you will find other human beings who can identify with your personal experience.

See also:

- Schizophrenia &amp; The Hero's Journey

- The Hero With a Thousand Faces

- The Hero is Us

- A Special Message for Families and Friends of Someone Diagnosed as Having Schizophrenia

[pachyderm]

> Im considering seeking help, though im not sure how to go about it.
>
> Thoughts, Suggestions?

Check out the Resources, as spiritual_emergency suggested. Help is good, if you can find someone who will listen respectfully to what you have to say, who does not find it too strange, who does not want to "cure" you of it right away. Sometimes not easy to find such a person.

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I would also suggest the rescources posted

and wow, I've expirienced many of the same things you have, but on a smaller scale. Some things I've kind of grown out of for the most part (believing my stuffed animals were real and talking to them, amoung other things) but others I have not.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Another strange habit of mine which has lead me to beleive i may be schizophrenic, I rehearse conversations in my head, almost constantly. It starts with a simple thought of me telling someone something, but it contiues, and i lose track of things and keep talking to this person in my head for a while, maybe 20 minuts or so, they dont say much, usually nothing. Sometimes, when i consider seeking help i imagine telling this to a therapist, and when i reach this part, i tell him how even this now, is just a rehersal, and that even that last line was and so on. So this post has played out in my head for some time now, though never gotten past that last part.

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<font color="purple">
And here I thought I was the only one who did this!
My inner therapist is generaly very helpful, in both giving advice and reasoning. Sometime's I'll "reherse" many times in one day, or even one hour (because my thoughts just loop-de-loop like that)

But...I have more then just my inner therapist though, I also have a bit of an inner demon, whose sole purpose is to make me suffer. (yeah, it stinks pretty bad) </font>

[fracturedreality]

Thanks for all the quick feedback, After posting I realised that I was more seeking to wite that down somewhere. Hopefully now ill stop having that discussion with my inner therapist as hes rather boring.
Though i'm also curious as to wether or not this is schozophrenia, (note i have other symptoms ive neglected to post, i have them all written somewhere as its quite a few).
As for the seeking of help, (ive yet to look at the links yet as im a bit pressed for time now, but I'll get to it.)
My only major concern now is my concentration, id prefer to avoid medication, as its somewhat against my personal philosophy. But if I could find a way to focus better, I dont think id have any problems living with schozophrenia, or whatever i may have, as long as i can care for myself.
I seem to find most of my symptoms (now that im not delusional) rather constructive, as when I get racing thoughts, I'm suddenly more aware and more coordinated, everything seems more clear liek im overly concious, which makes me better at a few things. Ive also found that working out when im liek that seems to burn off the feeling and keep me stable for much longer. Though ive recently hurt my arm and can't, so that may explain the worsening lately.
I seem to be rambling so ill stop. Thanks again and goodnight.

Fractured reality, you and me seem to have a lot in common also. Im 19 years old, male. Ive experienced many of the things that you are talking about too, its weird I thought I was the only one. Im kind of against taking medication too. For me its not so much trying to stop every single weird symptom that I have, but instead just stopping the scary symptoms and the fear. I found that I can lessen that if I lower my stress level. Im not sure if what I have is schizophrenia though either. I thought it might be caused my some physical disease, but I have been to the doctors, got lots of tests done, and Im healthy. Im going again just to make sure though.

My obvious symptoms are: I cant concentrate, mood swings, anxiety, fatigue, racing thoughts, isolation, bad memory, lack of motivation, slow movement, insomnia (along with bad sleep patterns), unreality, paranoia, weird feelings. I could go on for a while but that sums up most of it. I went about a year with most of these symptoms without ever realizing that there might be something wrong with me. I was scared at first when I found that out, but after a while Im happy that the way I think is not the normal way, and I could get better one day. The thing is that you get so used to the symptoms, that they are normal for you and you dont see anything wrong. But feel free to share anything on here.

[Moose372]

I used to do that a lot when a teenager- rehearse conversations with "people". I'm now 36. I don't do it as much. Maybe part is experience in life. But I think mostly, I was trying to control the situation by coming up with all possible outcomes of a situation before it actually happened- so I couldn't be hurt if one of them happened to happen! I remember wandering and talking outloud to "myself".

I often want to write music, too. But, although I did a bit as a young teenager, never have been able to as an adult. I wrote quite a bit of poetry as a teen, though. When I get into a manic state, I figure I can write the world's best piece of music and why hadn't I seen how before? (Not possible- brain gone "bad" when manic! lol) I've always felt, too, that I see something in the world that nobody else can. I still kind of believe it!

Only in the last six months have I been diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic episodes. I've heard voices, but I don't have conversations with them. I did have conversations back-and-forth with "myself" in my head about 3 years ago when I saw "horror movie hallucinations" during a really stressful time. But still, these weren't actual voices I heard, like a year ago. I actually got up to see who was there! Unfortunately, when I talked back, those voices never kept the conversation going. *shrug* I was put on meds and now the voices have gone- as have the visual hallucinations. Too bad- as the dissassociative states I had gotten into were somehow quite freeing. Then again, when off meds, each episodes is worse and more scary....

[PsyChris]

Schizophrenia is a very heavy diagnosis to put on someone. I will be honest with you in that a few of the phrases you mentioned are concerning.

You are missing what I consider to be a cardinal symptom of Schizophrenia, a thought disorder. Your writing is organized and logical. Persons with a thought disorder often have trouble understanding and communicating.

It is possible to have Schizophrenia without a thought disorder, though very rare. Most Psychiatrists even question if it truly is Schizophrenia without a thought disorder.

The good news is that you are are of your reality. You can tell the difference between reality and imagination.

Based on your post I can not rule out the possibility you may have a mild form of Schizophrenia. I think you need to consult with a Psychiatrist for evaluation.

Remember that it is your choice. So many people forget that they are the one that makes the choice. If you do not want to take medication, it's up to you.

[SchizoidArtwork]

Quote:
Another strange habit of mine which has lead me to beleive i may be schizophrenic, I rehearse conversations in my head, almost constantly. It starts with a simple thought of me telling someone something, but it contiues, and i lose track of things and keep talking to this person in my head for a while, maybe 20 minuts or so, they dont say much, usually nothing. Sometimes, when i consider seeking help i imagine telling this to a therapist, and when i reach this part, i tell him how even this now, is just a rehersal, and that even that last line was and so on. So this post has played out in my head for some time now, though never gotten past that last part.

I have that almost everyday... with my best friend who doesnt speak to me anymore..

Do you or anyone else have msn? I really would appreciate speaking to someone who knows what its like.. you could even block me strait afterwards :-/

[pachyderm]

> You are missing what I consider to be a cardinal symptom of Schizophrenia, a thought disorder.

What if a thought disorder is a sometime thing? Increases and decreases in severity? One could present with apparent good organization at times and not at others.

[FireBird]

About the thought disorder thing. It doesn't have to happen all the time because I get it only occasionally. 95% of the time I am perfectly coherent in my writing and speech. Also in paranoid schizophrenia you don't necessarily have to have a thought disorder. That is more common in disorganized schizophrenia. Sometimes I speak like this: "You know who what the thing think wow cow now blah stuff." Random stuff comes to my head and that is what I say. In paranoid schizophrenia you have delusions and hallucinations. The psychiatrist says that I have either schizoaffective disorder or undifferentiated schizophrenia due to my occasional disorganized symptoms. Then to make things worse I have this "mode" that I think I am a bird and can fly and during this time I "lose" my ability to speak properly. Total gibberish comes out of my mouth. I had a terrible experience with a psychiatrist. It was when I was in the hospital. He pretended to believe me when I was there and said that I had "psychosis" but when I got the report back it told a different story. He basically accused me of faking or reading stuff on the Internet and "getting" the disorder. How stupid is this incompetent doctor? I had this stuff well before I started reading it on the Internet. At least the psychiatrist I go to now believes me. Have any of you had a bad experience with a psychiatrist or psychologist?

[pachyderm]

> I think I am a bird and can fly and during this time I "lose" my ability to speak properly.

Do you also lose your ability to think properly?

> Have any of you had a bad experience with a psychiatrist or psychologist?

Are you kidding? Lots.

To add something: I think that some professionals might be surprised at how variable the apparent incoherence of "schizophrenics" can be too. I think under the right circumstances (being listened to with respect and intelligent comprehension, which reduces anxiety) their apparent confusion might be seen to decrease quite a lot.

[FireBird]

There are times where I "forget" to think. In the middle of a sentence I would stop and totally forget what I am saying. But this isn't linked to schizophrenia because my mom has the same problem. I guess thinking I can fly is a thinking problem because it is delusional thinking. So, yes, my thinking is affected but only about 5% of the time.

I am also trying to learn if I have anything similar to schizophrenia. I am sure that I went through a few episodes of psychosis, I seem to be better now most the time, but its still there. You will have to deal with stubborn doctors and psychiatrists all the time, that is what I learned, but in the end you must do what you feel is right for you.

I have thought disorder once in a while, but I am glad that I can sit here and type this and think a lot more clearly. There are a lot of times when I have racing thoughts and think of bad things and cant keep my mind on something for more than a second and then I become really delusional. These episodes can last for hours, or even days and weeks. People have also told me I hardly ever make eye contact and show no emotions, and I always talk in the same low tone. I dont think I have schizophrenia anymore, I think its just episodes of psychosis because of my environment and untreated depression and anxiety. The worst thing about it is when you cant go outside without getting really paranoid and you cant think straight and your not yourself, that with the fear is pretty bad.

[Fathergia]

I have MSN fathergia@yahoo.com

[PsyChris]

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pachyderm said:
> You are missing what I consider to be a cardinal symptom of Schizophrenia, a thought disorder.

What if a thought disorder is a sometime thing? Increases and decreases in severity? One could present with apparent good organization at times and not at others.

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In general Schizophrenia does wax and wain throughout one's life. The symptoms can range from every possibility of none to the extreme. Some persons may have one episode of Psychosis and never have one again. Others may have three or four or ten or a hundred.

Psychosis tends to include those positive symptoms like hallucinations, thought disorder etc.,

Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder also share some similar symptoms. From his first few posts he seems to be describing something of a Manic Episode. But, those symptoms are also common at the acute phase of schizophrenia.

The important thing is that he seeks treatment, however way he deems suitable.

[k3at5]

hi
i knwo where your comin from espcailly like the electric things like someones trying to get into my brain and take things out or something. im only 16 yrs old and already i have alot tht has happened. to cut a long story short, last year actually on mothers day, i has a schizophrenia attack. this was a life changing experience for me. id been using drugs for around a year and a hlf and thought it was helping me. as b4 that i had been diagnosed with OCD. obessive compulsive disorder. and the drugsd i was using helped me feel relaxed and i thought in more control. also at the same time i was diagnosed with depression. i was suicidal too however never got the chance to even try to attempt it. since i was around 12 i can remember hearing voices, and since that mothers day, they have been worrying. that day and even after one voice told me to go kill my self. obviously i didnt, and i got taken intohospital. why im still on this site is because i still feel some of these things that have come from this schizophrenia attack such as; violent urges, mood swings, being told what to do, cant concentrate, seeing things (people that arent really there) and loads more, im kinda stuck ive seen 5 pyschiatrists, 2 nurses and 1 pycologist in the past 3 years. none have been able to diagnose me with anything proper. OCD is obvious i admit but something mor ethan depression is also obvious. im really stuck what to do, and im already seeking help in many directions but still i have no answers. i just wanted to know what your advice would be, from someone that has been through something similar. to be hoset none of the doctors i hve seen have been very good, hoever the doctor at the maudsley hospital in london is very good.

keats x

[k3at5]

ello agen sori,
about the music thing
music is the only thing i can concentrate on too!!!! it so nice to tlk to someone that has sorta the same thing. btw if they diagose me with something more i will let you no, as it seem similar things you are suffering from too. but i write my own music too, its also the only thing that i can concentrate on im stuck on what to do to.
please reply
keats
x

[dontknowwat]

i went to get a normal massage at chienese place and i was convinced the lady could listen to the thoughts in my head. Ive also had trouble with friends and not being able to trust them because i think they are talking behind my back an are out to get me. Everything they would say id think it meant something else to get to me. At the time i was smoking alot of weed and my therapist said all of this was severve paranoia from smoking. I also have social anxiety. I also think i have schizophria even though my therapist said i dont. My advice is never do drugs

[PsyChris]

I think it's important to note that a "thought disorder" is something that can happen occasionally to everyone. In Schizophrenia the thought disorder tends to last longer. There are other disorders in the Schizophrenic spectrum that fit the "sometimes" symptoms.

Stopping mid sentence is a thought disorder that many psychiatrists consider a very good indicator of Schizophrenia.

Jumbling words, is called word salad. Also a good indicator.

( It is not the same as thinking the right words and having different words come out of your mouth. )

Paranoid thoughts is a symptom.

I admit, I talk to myself. That is a symptom.

I'm sure if we went through everyone we could find a symptom that matches a majority of mental disorders.

Schizophrenia is a serious diagnosis. It's not something that can be diagnosed on one or two symptoms. It requires professional evaluation. Even so there are so many modalities of Schizophrenia, the diagnosis itself becomes mute.

When someone has symptoms that interfere with their ability to function on an interpersonal, personal and social level it becomes a problem that needs to be addressed.

There is a serious danger in diagnosing yourself. Often you will get locked into one idea, and change reality around to fit your diagnosis.

----

As for Psychiatrists and public health workers in general--yeah their behavior can seem odd. Often you loose much optimism because you do have people that abuse and fake their way in.

I find an excellent way to keep myself from doing that is always keep two possibilities in mind. I know a lady who comes to the ER I work at at least once a week. Lately it has been everyday. At times she is able to answer cognitive tests perfectly.

I have on more than one occasion noticed she acts coherently, and then suddenly changes her expression and says "I don't remember" and fits the textbook definition of Dementia. That kind of behavior makes me consider the fact that she could be faking all of this in an effort to gain attention and from some physicians further her benzodiazepine and opiate addiction.

She has a history of being highly manipulative in the past, to feed her addiction. She is now at an age where dementia can be considered her problem. As such she gains FAR more sympathy from staff then if they thought she was a "drug seeker."

I find this is where the opinion drops in. If you are an optimistic person like myself you would first consider Dementia. It's the obvious answer. It evokes empathy and sympathy. If you are less optimistic you would be inclined to think she is a drug seeker.

It is time's like this you have to remember to keep your differential open. There is no way, bar her confession to determine if she is Psychotic, Demented, or a drug abuser. The bottom line is with either answer there is care and treatment to be provided.

This particular patient is very taxing because she had a habit of leaving Against Medical Advice when we do try to place her into long-term medical or psychiatric services.

The downside to all of this is that sometimes good people get treated bad. I'm sorry you went through that experience. I hope your new pdoc can help you understand that it was the exception not the rule.