Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

((((((((((lavie)))))))) i hope someday it stops.

(((((((((lavie))))))))))))) Sometimes cyberhugs and heart emoticons seem so ineffectual. This is one of those times. I wish so much that I had more to offer you. I really feel for you and I'm so sorry things are so rough. You are such a good friend and such a good person. And I hate that you are suffering like this. Here are some ineffectual cyberhugs anyway because they come from my heart and I hope you know that (((((((((((lavie))))))))))

My ex and I for the most part have remained very good friends even though we know we will never have a romantic relationship again. We talk regularly on the phone and we consult each other a lot on work related issues. We met through our work, though not with the same employer. His organization provided services to the students at my college and we worked a lot together to develop new projects and inititatives for students and the community before and after we got together.

To be fair he has been very supportive of me over these last very difficult years. He has sent me extra money to help out and can be very supportive and understanding when I am going through hard times. On the flip side he can get frustrated and impatient and become very hurtful. He has a kind of Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde thing going on. In our relationship I was always trying to keep Hyde from showing up.

To be honest I would have a problem with anyone moving into my home. I only let a very select few even come to visit. But yes, with him it is that much harder because I fall into old patterns that are really unhealthy for me. While I am very much a feminist thinker in my views and in my professional life, in relationships with men I fall right into the subservient role modeled by my mother's generation. While in my work I am very confident, outspoken and secure, in relationships with men I totally lack any confidence, I am very insecure and very meek.

I might mention that my ex is only the second relationship I have had in my life. I was 36 when I met him and hadn't had a significant relationship for almost 15 years before we met. I didn't like who I was when I was with a man so after one heartbreak I swore I would never marry. I thought I would some day have a child but I intended to raise him or her on my own.

If you were to ask him his motives for coming back and moving in here he would say, with totally conviction that he would be doing it to help me out, particularly financially. Even though there would be advantages for him, by his way of thinking the greater advantage would be for me. I would like to be able to say what I honestly feel and that would be to say 'don't do my any favours. The price is too high.' but I can't because I think it would hurt his feelings or make him mad and I will do anything to avoid either. Sick hey. I can't really win for loosing any which way things go.

I have done that before, early on in our separation. It was a good strategy in those situations but I am not sure it would work with this. Perhaps there will be a time when it will be a good idea but for now I am letting time turn things around. He has a way of changing course so I guess I am just taking a wait and see approach.

If he would just not have such a short memory he would know it couldn't work out. His visit at Christmas was cut short because he lost his cool with our son and then with me. He couldn't wait to leave and we couldn't wait for him to leave. My son swore he would never talk to him again.

This visit has been much better with our son but has been much harder on me. Not because of anything he has said or done but just because I have so little capacity to cope with the constancy of the anxiety. But today he did loose it with me when I shared some news he didn't like. My Hyde came out and I won't even repeat the hurtful things he said.

I ended up leaving the house and going to the river to try to regroup. Of course he apologized when I returned and I said I understood. blah blah blah. He just has to know it won't work out to live here again. I mean, DAH!!

Anyways tomorrow he heads back up to see his sister before flying home. We will part on a good note and carry on carrying on. Until I give myself permission to hold myself first in my life. Or something to that effect.

I know I have once again made a novel out of my response so I will come back again to respond what you shared about your work situation. There is much I can relate to and I totally get how your own confidence can be effected by the situation you are in. I do hope that somewhere in there you will find your own voice and sense of confidence in your talents once again.

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Originally Posted by lavieenrose I lay this trip on myself. If I were stronger in character, smarter, etc., I'd have solved my problems and would have the things that others have. I scarcely realize how brutal I am to myself. I'd never treat someone else that way.

Same... just today after a heated round with my ex.... hearing him say 'You bring this on yourself, you need to get a job and quit sitting around feeling sorry for yourself..... blah blah blah'... I went to the river and cried out... if I am doing this to myself please help me to stop. If I am just not getting it... if I am just too afraid.... if I am just too this or that... then I guess I deserve to be in the mess I am in. I guess it is my fault. His words just reinforced my own sense of weakness and incompetence.

It is beyond sad how brutal we can be with ourselves while our hearts are always open to offer compassion, patience and unconditional understanding to others in pain. How can we turn that around I wonder. Might it be linked to growing up having to prove ourselves in order to be validated or loved? If so then how do we compensate for that training and find a new way of feeling worthy of love, especially self love without those kinds of conditions? How do we get beyond the pass or fail testing that measures our value in the world?

We might know some of the answers intellectually, even spiritually but emotionally the answers seem to remain out of reach. Or perhaps more accurately no answers seem believable enough because we have been carrying the sense of not being or doing 'enough' to earn any internal credibility for so very long. We may know it is about 'reframing' but our sense of our own inability to 'reframe' just takes us full circle to not being enough again. Geesh Lavie... we are a couple of crazy makers!! We must put a stop to this now!

Perhaps.... we might first acknowledge the gains we have already made. The choices were are already making in our own best interests. We started this thread with one determination.... to help ourselves. We may not have arrived at our hoped for destination but we are on the journey to find out. We may feel as though we have a million miles yet to go to be where we want to be, who we want to be, how we want our lives to be.... but we are miles from where we once were. And most importantly, even with the times we feel as though we are just treading water or spinning around in the currents, or being pushed back upstream we in fact are making gains. On those things we must ponder and acknowledge and celebrate.

In the interest of abandoning the hurtful ways of viewing ourselves if we were to keep plugging away at reframing our perceptions with things like the metta meditations, the self loving affirmations, the self loving care and kindness, the love and kindness shared so unconditionally among our friends here.... then maybe we would have clearer eyes to see the breakthroughs we actually are making in our lives.

I think at the end of the day we need to declare, even when we don't quite believe, that every deficiency we perceive about ourselves is really our strength. Again we may know this intellectually but the pain blinds us from seeing it, feeling it or owning. Back to naming the distraction and claiming the victory yet to be realized.

I appreciate you sharing how you can relate to my confusions. I know we are not alone. Like you say we would never be as brutal to others as we are to ourselves. Not even close. As my heart breaks for you and your heart breaks for me maybe we can begin to consider how we might reflect the compassion bestowed upon us by others who see all of us and deflect the judgements we so brutally inflict on ourselves when we can only see part of us.

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Originally Posted by lavieenrose Wednesday at 9 PM Eastern would be fine for the next meditation. Could you post the guided meditation link again, or else I'll try to find it here. Also, SS, you referred to an article with treatment ideas, for tinnitus? Where is the article located?

http://www.treatmenttinnitus.org/tin...aining-therapy

The one that jumped out that might be worth your consideration was the one about the sound therapy. Also, if you go to the website there are links listed in the right hand column about treatment options too. I hope you find something useful in there. I hope beyond hope that soon you will find some relief. The fact that you have managed as well as you have (even if you don't think you have) is amazing to me given the challenge you are presented with. I am believing for you that relief is on its way to find you.

Here is the link to the guided meditation I am suggesting we use this Wednesday (tonight) 6pm PST, 9pm EST. It is optional of course but I am going to use it and if anyone else find it appealing too then that cool. Looking forward to some synchronicity happening. Seems we could all use some quality TLC right now. That would be an understatement!!

Thank you sun. Your ongoing support always warms my heart. You are a very special friend to so many I feel honoured to be in your circle.

I am sorry you had a difficult day emotionally. Those knots are hard to undo when they get tied up hey. I so agree about how difficult it is to enter into mindfullness when hardcore stuff hits you. Just as Lavie mentions how the music can be so intense that meditation becomes almost impossible so too with mindlessness when the point of overload has been reached.

I was in such a state during my second walk this afternoon I couldn't even lift my head to look at the rocks. I couldn't see any beauty anywhere. Instead my eyes could only capture the dull, lifeless signs of winter weather persisting and it just feed the darkness overshadowing my every thought. Its like being sick and tired of being sick and tired and not even wanting to bother trying..... until next time when we.... pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again.

Love you too.... sweet dreams. yiks!! I am up late again. So much for my good self care idea of sleep before midnight.

Sun... Lavie.... Promise me you will watch this clip of Ginger singing 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again'.... as soon as I wrote that in my last post I had to go looking for it..... lol....



And... if you even almost as big a fan of Ginger and Fred as I am then you should enjoy the dance seqence to the song....



And for a couple of other versions....

An upbeat Frank Sinatra....

A jazzy Diana Krall....

HOLY-KADOODLE!!! WE DID IT!!!

MARCH 28TH MARKED OUR 8TH WEEK PRACTICING THE ART OF MEDITATION AND MINDLESSNESS TOGETHER!!

We may all have hit a rough patch these last few days but come on girls.... let's celebrate our accomplishment. WE ARE STILL HERE!!

I don't know about you guys but I didn't actually think I would stick with it. If not for each of you I really don't believe I would have.

And I am not stopping now.... we have only just begun. No walls can stop us!

WE ARE MIGHTY WARRIOR WOMEN!! UNITE!! LOL

Okay... I have brushed myself off and am now ready for lala land and a new tomorrow when I awake.

Now give yourself a pat on the back... and get ready for the magic to happen during our cyber sit... sweet blessings.

a new day, a new beginning, the same practice,,,


(mandala curtesy of HippieBea),,,

Yay!!!! Thanks so much for marking our anniversary!! Woo hoo!!! And thanks for this uplifting message

Wow! That's so beautiful! Thank you (((((((Gus)))))))

Thanks Sundog, SS, and Suzzie for your loving support. I'm grateful. I hope that your burdens can also lifted and soon. Thanks SS for that lovely anniversary cake (I'd love to cut myself a slice this moment). It feels good to have some continuity in my life, when everything else feels so fragmented and fractured. Thanks also for the info on tinnitus treatment. I'll look into that. You mentioned meditation tonight, but we are on for tomorrow, yes?

Opps... my mistake... tomorrow night... wednesday. I have been craving a piece of cake all day. lol.

(((((((((ss)))))))))) Thanks for explaining more about the situation with your ex. It's wonderful that you have remained such good friends. But I do hope he will acknowledge that living together again is not really a viable option. If you say that he has a tendency to change course, then, it sounds like there is a good chance that will happen. I understand so well about falling into unhealthy patterns.....

I'm glad that this visit went well overall, but yesterday's Mr Hyde episode must have been so draining on you. I really hope you have found some peace today. At least it sounds as though you have your house back to yourself again. I hope you have spent some healing time in your sanctuary ((((((((((ss)))))))))))))))

I've been feeling emotionally volatile the last few days. A lot of anger has been coming up. After fear/anxiety, anger is the hardest emotion for me to deal with. The obsessive angry thoughts have been all-consuming. Anger is complicated because it has several layers. It's difficult to get to the bottom of it, and so easy to pin it on any number of external triggers. Or even get it confused with other emotions (fear etc). I'm reading Thich Nhat Hanh's "Taming The Tiger Within. Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions". The idea is much the same as Pema Chodron's "Smile At Fear" teachings. Namely, that we need to turn towards our anger and surround it with loving kindness......Not easy!!!!!!!!

I went for a run this morning. That felt good. And it was the only thing that gave me a break from my obsessive thoughts. It was a beautiful, beautiful morning. We've had so much rain over the past month or so and yesterday spring returned in full force. The hills where I hike and run are so lush and green and radiant (and flooded in parts!!! ) I had been hiking yesterday but it wasn't enough to interrupt my angry ruminations. Running really did give me a break. The thoughts started back up again not long after I stopped, but they were less intense. And this evening the rumination has pretty much ceased. For which I am truly grateful.

I'm looking forward very much to our sangha tomorrow (Wednesday). I think we've agreed on 6.00 Eastern and 9.00 pm PST? And I think we're using the link you posted the other day, ss?

I'll check in tomorrow morning. Sending you all much love and wishing you a restful night

((((Sundog)))) - You did the same thing I did, switching the times, East coast vs. West . 6 p.m. your time. Be there or be square (Maybe that slang didn't travel across the pond).

Haha!!!!! Thanks for spotting that!!!!! (((((((((((lavie)))))))))))) I'm head ready. I just need to dig out that link. Are we still using that??

Love to all

Okay... 6 minutes and counting.... hopeful we have all gotten the time right. Lavie you need to move into our time zone. lol.

Here is the link to the guided meditation. I sure need this right now. See you on the flip side.

Hi ss!

Is this the link still?

Wow! That was great! I loved the positive suggestions for insight, wisdom, personal power, self-control, all of it! I mostly love that we are linked to each other in real time doing this together. Thank you SS and Sundog

I think I'll stay with it a bit longer...

I loved it too!!! I wished there had been more time to focus on the individual chakras. I will definitely do that again and try and memorize it so I can do this on my own when I'm away from the computer, which I definitely prefer to be when I'm meditating.

I loved thinking of you guys doing this too (((((((ss)))))))))) and ((((((((lavie))))))) Great choice!! ((((((ss))))))

I am glad you guys enjoyed that too. I heading into it pretty much at my limit of stressfullness and wasn't sure how well I would be able to get into the meditation but within a few minutes I felt the stress subsiding.

Just as she got to the indigo, third eye the link froze. I started it again and again it froze but I just stayed in the place I was at and just continued to take in the peacefulness. It was 40 minutes before I opened my eyes but closed them again for anothr 10 minutes. It was such a wonderful contrast to where I had been moments before starting that I didn't want to leave.

The phoned pulled me out. I had put it in another room but since it was pushing 7 I thought it might be my son looking for a ride home from the gym. It was a creditor wondering why my payment was late. Wam! back to reality. But ya know what, it didn't rattle me. No anxiety. No angst whatsoever. No worry. It will be okay somehow. Not going to bother dealing with it now.

I think I still want to go back into that place of relaxation and rest. At least until my son calls for a ride home.

Enjoy the blessing. may it keep you and hold you.

It also inspired me to want to learn the individual qualities of each chakra and do some specific "remedial" meditating, particularly regarding inner strength, power, self-control, love and compassion. Another youtube chakra video mentioned maybe the 3rd (?) chakra relating to being strong in the face of adversity. Definitely want to bone up on that one.

On an unrelated topic, I had this notion today to experiment by giving myself a mental task when the musical "pseudo-hallucination" was driving me bonkers, so I began counting backward by 7, starting at 100. It competed with the music, and after repeating this with other numbers counting backward from 100, the music weakened and eventually was imperceptible, if not halted. It eventually returned, but the temporary silence was glorious. It makes me wonder if I can weaken the neural pathway producing the music by forcing another task while it's happening. It needs to be an active enough task. For instance, reading is too passive. Since I'm very poor in math, it was just the right challenge. Hmmm.

I'm sorry for the anger and rumination you've been having, Sundog. I can get really obsessed too. I hope that you can get free of it soon. SS, I hear you about angst and money worries.

And oh yeah, SS, I'd love to live on the West Coast and solve our time zone differential. I'm so ready for a change! Maybe some day, if I can manage a little more emotional stability first.