Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

Glad you decided to stay home and take care of yourself and that you're feeling more relaxed now (((((((ss))))))) It's fine to use that pic!

How wonderful to come from such a creative family and to be so creative yourself (((((((lavie))))))). Wow!

Sooooo tired today. Didn't sleep well again last night and really hope tonight will be better. Wishing everyone a very good night

Wow... that sounds pretty intense lavie. I can't imagine revisiting trauma. I can appreciate the value especially in terms of avoiding fear tasks. I think sometimes fear prevents us from even trying to do something that was painful at one time or another.

I know it isn't the same but it reminded me of the first time I was sent to a psychiatrist. I was 18 I think and I had survived my 2nd suicide attempt. My GP said to me that I needed to either agree to see a pdoc or he woudl have me institutionalized. I agreed to see the pdoc.

I didn't even make it through the first session before I bolted. He took me through some kind of regression exercise. He had me close my eyes and remember being 9, 10 etc..... When I hit age 13 I went totally off the wall crazy. I was mmediately flooded with a memory of a terrible arguement with my dad in the bathroom. I bolted from the chair, ran out of the office, jumped on my bike and rode home crying histerically.

You see, my mum had been run over by a tractor in a farm accident when I was 12 and it left her paralyzed from her waist down. She was confined to a wheelchair after that. It ended her life as she knew it and our family life as we knew it. This in the late 60's and at that time there weren't even ramps onto the sidewalks let alone any other accommodations to access buildings or public washrooms. Our house had to be totally refitted for her. Counters lowered, doorways widened. Carpeting removed. Even an outdoor elevator was installed so she could get outside on her own.

Anywasy... back to the memory triggered the pdoc's exercise.... my mum was due to come home after a year of hospitals and rehabilitations (which I might add only served to put her on the road to addiction to hard core psych meds that eventually put her in and out of psych institutions and shock treatments to get her off the meds that within weeks the doctor was prescribing to her again and again and again)... anyways... she was due to come home when my dad announced that he was considering sended her to live in a group home in Mexico, where she would live with 'other people like her'. My sister thought, 'cool, can we go visit her.' I don't remember my brother saying anything one way or another but I went completely nuts on my dad. Screaming and yelling at him insisted there was no way in hell he was going to send my mom away anywhere. She was coming home and if he didn't like it he could leave.

I don't know how we ended up in the bathroom but I do remember him saying to me, 'Well if you are going to fight me on this then you better be ready to take care of her for the rest of her life.' I said, 'You bet I will. I will do whatever it takes to make sure you don't send her away. I would do even if you hadn't come up with this heartless plan of yours.' We never discussed it again but I will never forgot how willing he and my brother and sister were to just cast her aside.

As it happened my dad did move out and in with his current and final mistress (now his wife) within a year of my mum coming home and my sister followed to live with him within 6 months and my brother went off to university about a year later. It was just mum and me until a couple of years before her death following yet another one of my suicide attempt on my mum's meds while she was in the hospital where she spent probably 6 months of every year for one thing or another. I pretty much raised myself alone through highschool. It was decided after that that I needed to get out of the house so my brother who had by then finishing his university came to live with my mum until she passed away from a drug overdose 2 years later. I was 26 when I moved out but I still came for daily visits and we talked on the phone several times a day. But it was healthier for me to not be living there. Had my brother not stepped up it wouldn't have been possible for me to leave.

Sorry for the long trip down memory lane. I am not sure why I shared all of that. I have gone through a lot of healing since then including reuniting with my dad after a nearly 30 estrangement and I more recently re-establishing a fairly close relationship with my sister. I have always remained close to my brother because as much as he could he would always be there for me and mum. It will be 30 years next month since my mother's passing so it has been a long arduous process trying to come to terms with everything that happened during those years. It has been a very slow and long healing process but I am much better with the memories now then ever before. Maybe that is part of my reason for sharing. I think it makes me feel better to be able to talk about it. My family prefers to leave the past in the past and they don't like me to talk much about her. I hope you guys don't mind if I do. I need it even if my family doesn't.

Kind a long ways away from the pdoc and his stupid regression exercise. It is a big reason it took me so long to ask for help from doctors. I blame them a lot for what happened to my mum on top of that one experience I had with the pdoc.

The interesting thing is that even though I didn't go back to the pdoc my GP never brought it up nor did any talk of institutionalize me ever come up again. I do remember within days cycled into full mania (though I didn't know to identify it as such at the time... I just enjoyed being happy after a long time being sad). I know it was summer and I was full on having a good time playing ball, riding my bike, playing tennis and training for field hockey season in the fall. That was pretty much my pattern from my late teens through to my early 40's. I would rise and fall, rise and fall at least 3 or 4 times a year. As I aged it became harder to rebound until I fell so far down that I couldn't function at all and my life totally came apart at the seams. That was almost 10 years ago now and here I am still trying to get some kind of normalcy back in my life.

Again... I apologize for getting so deeply into my past but if you don't mind the self indulgence I appreciate your letting me share some things that are 'off limit topics' in my family still to this day.

Thanks for being people I feel safe enough with to share some of my story.

I meant to add.... before I went off in my own direction.... that I hope the EMDR is serving you well. It is good to know that whether it be the EMDR or visualization you are have some therapeutic successes. At the end of that day what ever can help to move you forward is all that really matters.

I also wanted to comment on the last part of your post. I just have to share my road to fashion design with you too. I went right from highschool to study fashion design, couture dressmaking mostly at a small private fashion institute an hours commute everyday into the city. I studied there for 2 years. I worked in the industry for a few years before I launched my own design business.

I graduated with honours and was given a scholarship to study anywhere I wanted to outside of Canada. I debated between the Fashion Institute of Technology in California and the Parson's School of Design in New York. Even though my real passion had been to do costume design for movies (I was a huge fan of Edith Head) I felt drawn to New York and the idea of designing for the theatre.

I travelled to New York for an interview at Parsons and they accepted me so it looked like I was on my way. As it happened when I returned home and announce the news to my mum, while she was supportive and wanted me to go, I knew in my heart that I couldn't leave her alone and neither my brother or sister were in a position to take my place. A couple of weeks went by and then I told my mum that something had gone wrong and for whatever reason the scholarship had been fallen through and it was left at that. I have never once regretting my decision but I often wonder where life might have taken me if I had made it to Parsons.

Sewing has always been in my blood but I was the first to pursue designing. My grandmother had her own dressmaking business in the small town where I grew up and my mother made all of my sister and my clothes all through elementary school. We were the fashion plates of the school. Every morning was like preparing for a fashion show. Our hair was done up (my mum was a trained hair dresser) and our clothes were trendy and eye catching. I used to spend hours at her side while she operated an old treadle machine just praying for the day when I could reach the pedels myself.

After her accident my auntie and a neighbour taught me to sew. Once I hit highschool I took every sewing class offered including a term of patternmaking and design in my final year. I designed all the costumes for the school play, placed third in a provincial high school design competition, made grad gowns for me and some of my friends and I received the textiles and design award at graduation.

My other grandmother was like a walking fashion plate out of the Victorian era. I remember spending hours in her attic looking, but never touching all the gorgeous dresses and hats. All the fine lace and silks, velvets and satins. I would sit at an old sewing machine while my brother and sister where exploring the other treasures hidden in the attic.

I can appreciate how the lack of confidence would hold you back. It is a difficult industry and you really need to be somewhat of an extravert and certainly be very resilient to criticism. I had some difficulty with some of that too and certainly my emotional problems over the years took their toll on my efforts. Too many times to mention rising and falling and having to start all over again and again until I shut it all down and took a different direction. When my mum passed I just seemed to loose my steam and even my passion for it anymore.

That sounds like an amazingly talented and creative family you come from. That must have been an interesting childhood creatively at least. Are they still active in the industry?

I have been experimenting with bags lately too. I have been playing around with textile design. I felt and knit and do alot of other textile treatments. I have collected a lot of thrift store clothes that I take apart and refurbish into something else. I imagine every now and then about selling them but it is hard to get enough money with one of a kinds. And it takes a lot of money to consider having them manufactured not to mention the marketing side of things which I have never been good at. I can write a good marketing plan but I don't like doing the work involved myself. I had a business manager and marketing agent at one time before I folded my business. I really wasn't ready at that time to take the plung into mass marketing.

Turning designing into a business again still is in the back of my mind but it seems pretty out there to consider anymore. I have been thinking seriously about making dog clothes. They are such a rage these days. Especially for the smaller dogs and especially here where we have so much rain. It is amazing how much people will pay for those things. I have made a couple 'coats' for my friend's bit bull and it go me thinking it might be something fast and easy to make that would turn a quick buck. Needless to say it didn't get past the thinking about it stage.

I would love to see the bags you are working on. I love tapestry fabrics. I have collected some vitage pieces but haven't yet figured out what to do with them. I would also love to get my hands on your fabric. Mind you I have cupboards and bins of my own stuffed to capacity with fabric already. lol. I don't think you should part with them. I give pieces away now and then but I think a part of me needs to keep the fabrics and my work space in tact for those occassions when I feel inspired to play in there. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. It is never too late to explore the possiblities. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

It has been fun discovering this similarity in our backgrounds. Who would have thunk it hey. lol

Oh my goodness.... my long windedness is surely getting to be too much for you guys to be constantly having to sift through. Please don't feel compelled to read all of my ramblings. I a gabby girl who doesn't have many people in her life anymore to gab with so it seems I am pouring it all out on you guys. Geesh hey!

Hi Sun.... you snuck one in here between my long winded story telling.

Yes I too am glad I stayed home. I feel much better for having made that choice.

I see you are offline now so I really hope you are blessed with a peaceful and re-energizing sleep.

I am so looking forward to our cyber meditation on Wednesday. Has anyone check out the guided meditation I found on youtube yet? If you guys like it I am still interested in using it for our sit on Wednesday. What do you think?

Once we decide I will post a reminder on the med. invitation thread.

Thankyou guys for being such wonderful, kind and supportive friends. It is make a huge difference to me and making my journey closer to recovery more evident everyday. Even with things in my life as rocky as they are I seem to be feeling more and more hopeful and optomistic all the time since we started out on the journey together.

Much love and buckets of appreciation. My heart is filled with humble gratitude.

Thanks for sharing your story ((((((((ss)))))))))) It's very moving. I had some idea of bits and pieces of it from things you've mentioned previously, but it's very powerful to read the entire account. To say you've been through a lot is obviously a massive understatement. It's a huge testament to your strength that you've come through all this and are now in a more stable and peaceful place.

I'm looking forward to the group meditation on Wednesday too. However, I won't be able to do anything computer-based. I have my own office but it's pretty open and there's no door so it won't be possible for me to do it sitting at a computer because it's not private enough. However, I could watch the video beforehand and then go away and meditate somewhere else with it in my mind? If that makes sense!

Feel really restless today. I slept late and that always throws me for a loop. On the one hand it feels good to catch up on some sleep, on the other hand, when I get up at 11.00 am it throws me off. Plus my sleep was still very disjointed and I woke up several times. It's just that I slept in a lot longer than I usually do.

Even though I was exhausted from working hard last week, today I feel at a loss without the work pressure. I can't seem to relax or focus on anything today and I don't know what to do with myself. It's raining hard - just for a change, not!!! - so going for a long walk is not appealing. I probably should have gone into work. There's plenty of stuff there for me to do and it's not like I'm enjoying my "day off".

I am so tied to my laptop. I have several books I want to read and they are sitting here right next to me. But the concept of turning off my laptop and reading a book is so foreign to me. The only time I read is in bed at night. I don't know why it feels so strange to read at any other time, but it does.

I should also be doing some cleaning today. The house is pretty dirty with muddy paw prints and dog hairs everywhere. Can't seem to get motivated though. And so I find myself compelled to sit at my computer, obsessively clicking my mouse. I'm going to try and go upstairs and do some meditation in a bit. Hopefully that will ground me and then I might also find the motivation to do some work around the house.

At least I don't feel anxious today so that's a big plus. I'm restless and agitated, but not anxious. There is a subtle difference!!!!!

Hope you guys are having a good day

thank you sun for reading my story. Life remembered can often reveal purposes that when in the heart of the moment seem to have no purpose but to cause pain and heartbreak. I know my strengths and my compassion for people in general is because of my life experiences up until today.

I am sorry you are feeling restless and agitated but glad you are not feeling anxious. I do understand what you mean about the subtle difference between the two.

I can totally relate to that feeling when you sleep late. Same if I nap in the middle of the day. I just feel off and it is hard to shake. I find that if I go to bed early, before that late night burst of energy clicks in that I don't experience the unsettled feelings. Perhaps because I will wake early instead of sleeping in late after a late night.

I was up late last night... 4am when I finally called it a night actually. The time just slipped away on me as it often does. Before I headed to bed I looked outside to see if there were any stars in the sky and I thought about why I like being up at those early hours. It is so much quieter outside so I am not constantly on guard for sudden noises coming from outside. And the ear ringing seems quieter too for some reason.

I used to feel anxious on days off especially when I had been consumed with a project, chasing a deadline and consequently putting in long hours with little time to take a break from either working or thinking about work. I think the fact that you feel at a loss without the work pressure and at a loss about how to spend your day off is a good indication of how much you actually may need the break.

I hope the day gets better and something catches your interest that will lift your spirits. All the shoulds can wait unless they can provide you with some level of satisfaction for making the effort. Otherwise it is just another form of work and the rest you need will be pushing down further.

I hope I don't sound preachy. I do know how difficult it is to be in touch enough with our needs to actually honour them with our choices. The nagging to meet certain invisible expectations seems to sometimes put a vail over our own interests. At least that is how I have come to understand my denial of self care.

I hope you were able to have a grounding meditation and I really hope you have a more relaxing and calming evening. Maybe some good old laugh therapy is in order. It helps me when I am just feeling blah but otherwise not overwhelmed by symptoms.

If you are still clued to your laptop Sun then check this out....



And since I am onto laugh therapy I must share my favourite all time clip that even though I have watch dozens of times I still laugh till I cry. I may have shared this with you before but here it is again.



When I get stuck on my labtop I often spend time on youtube.

Regarding the cyber meditation... I wonder if Lavie would be okay with pushing it later so you are home from work Sun. Maybe 6 pm PST and 9 pm EST would be doable for all of us. Would that work for you guys?

I spend a good 4 hours in the garden today. I did some more cleanup and then cut out the edged of a new garden bed. I need more space for veggies this year. At least that will be my excuse when my ex makes a smart aleck comment about it. lol. My back is feeling the strain of all that bending, stretching and digging but it is a small price to pay for the payback from working in the garden gives to me.

I have a busy night of sewing planning after dinner so by the time it rolls round to bed time I should be well spent to fall asleep easily. Here's hoping.

Thank you so much for this (((((((ss)))))))) None of it sounds preachy at all and I really appreciate that you took the time to write such a thoughtful response. Thank you also for the "laugh therapy"

I can definitely relate to what you say about enjoying the peace and quiet late at night. It's funny though because I hate it if I wake up in the night and can't go back to sleep. Then I don't find the quiet peaceful at all. It makes me anxious. But I really enjoy the peace late at night before I go to bed.

I did a little meditation earlier. I felt less restless afterwards but my mood also dipped. I guess today is just one of those "blah" days. I'm going to meditate again before I go to bed and say some metta phrases.

Thanks so much again for caring

How wonderful you got to spend so much time in your garden today I hope your sewing went well this evening and that you have a restful night's sleep

That would work fine for me. I'll still be at work, but most everyone will have left by the and I'll definitely be undisturbed at that time. I hope that will work for lavie too

I am glad my post served you well. I know what you mean Sun.... while I enjoy the quiet around me in the wee hours of the morning, waking up in those hours is not at all pleasant. It is stressful and upsetting. The quiet is the last thing on my mind while toss and turning and getting more and more anxious of how the sleeplessness is going to spoil my day. Of course then I am faced with negative thinking owning me and making sleep that much more difficult or even impossible.

I didn't manage to make it into the sewing room. My back was killing me. I should have known 4 hours straight in the garden was too much this early in the season. As it was I forced myself to stop thinking I would pay the price if I did anymore. Good think I guess or I would still be flat in bed this morning. It feels better this morning so hopeful I can put in a good session today. The dress is the priority but if my ex gets back before I at least get started on his shirt he is going to rag on me.

I need to quit giving him so much power over me but I can't seem to get there. He is talking about moving back here and being our roommate. The thought just triggers anxiety but I can't speak to it. I am such an accommodator. I always hold the needs of others above my own and more then anyone I do it with him. Just like I gave up my pdoc appointment to pick him up from the airport and just like driving at the worst time of day when the high anxiety of heavy traffic to pick him up on time. I just pray he will change his plans before the fall when he intends to move. I am such a wimp around him. It is so not my character to be this wimpy.

I was asleep by 11, thanks to the extra tylenals and awake by 5 but managed to nod off again until 7. For years I have never been to bed before midnight as often as I have the last couple of weeks. It feels so much better to be able to wake on my own before 8am or to actually sleep more then 3 to 5 hours a night. It is making a world of difference I think to my moods though still no effect on the level of anxiety I walk around with all day. Perhaps that is yet to come. Here is hoping.

I gotta ask sun.... its the former workaholic always on alert.... how many hours do you spend working a day? It seems like you put in a lot of hours at work.

It hope the meditation before bed was helpful in settling both the restlessness and mood. Wishing you a day touched by healing sunlight.

Blessings Sun.

Lavie... I was thinking the other night when I was still awake at 4am and noticing the peace of the silence outside... why doesn't the ringing in my ears affect me in those quiet times while it remains troublesome when I try to sleep.

It struck me that while the ringing can at times be more then annoying mostly it remains behind the scenes. It jumps onto the stage when it hits a high note out of the blue or when one ear suddenly pops and makes an echoe sounds. Those sudden sounds always gets a rise out of me, sometimes to the point of screaming for it to stop. Other then those surprise bolts out of nowhere that might last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes the ringing is always there. Since it has been there pretty much forever and it is more background noise then anything I guess for the most part I have learned to live with it. I don't know what silence sounds like.

What is most disturbing for me is the hypersensitivity to environmental sounds which according to what I learned the other night is a component of tinnisus (forgot how to spell it already). More then the constant ringing in the background is the anxiety I think may be magnified because of the hypersensitivity. Chick and egg thing sun mentioned. Perhaps it is some kind of overload because of the ringing always being there. I will have to ponder it some more.

Did you notice on the website the article about treatment options? I only scanned it but I remember something about sound therapy. Something worn in the ear to train the brain to process sounds 'normally'. It also mention CBT which I thought odd actually. They say there is no cure but that with therapy it can be managed. I wonder if there are suggestions there that could help you get some relief. It is one thing to cope with the same constant background noice but in your case the music changes and that has to be extremely more difficult to cope with. I hope you are able to get some relief very soon.

I'm sorry your back was so painful yesterday after your hard work in the garden. I'm glad it's better today and that you had a good sleep. I agree that going to bed before midnight and getting up earlier feels really good. I just find it so hard to do!!!

Gosh, I'm really sorry to hear that your ex has mentioned he wants to move back in with you and become your roommate. I can't even imagine how stressful that would be. I mean, even if you still get on well, he's still your ex and I would think that would add too much emotion and complications into the mix for a living together situation to be viable. That seems so obvious to me. I wonder why he can't see that? Perhaps because it's in his interests to move back in with you??

I'm sorry you find it hard to say no to him. Being thoughtful and accommodating the way that you are is a really wonderful trait. The trick is to extend that same caring and thoughtfulness to yourself, and making sure that your own needs are accommodated. Would it help if you wrote your ex a letter once he flies back? Sometimes it's easier to say these things in writing??

I do put in a lot of hours at work, but I also spend a lot of time at work here at PC so I can't say that I work solidly. I should explain that I work with my husband. He has a small business. He designs and manufactures nature-themed jewelry. He's been doing it for over 30 years and he's really good at it. His business is a wholesale business, though we do have a retail website also. Anyhow, I do the web stuff, and accounting and general admin and some of the customer service. There are a few other employees. I have always had workaholic tendencies because I'm someone who tends to do things in extremes.

I was a major workaholic in my other job, before I got married and moved over here. I can't honestly imagine having a "proper job" anymore. My confidence is very low. Working with hubby is, of course, real work, but it's very different from being out in the professional market place. When I look back at what I used to do work-wise, I wonder how I ever did it. I used to travel a lot with my job. Now just thinking about getting on a plane reduces me to a quivering heap. It's sad the way I have become so anxiety-ridden. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to start working with Mike. He actually encouraged me to look for a job elsewhere (outside of his business) in the field that I used to work in. He was concerned that this very thing might happen, namely that I would lose my independence and confidence. It would have been better for my confidence if I had worked elsewhere. I definitely see that now. But at the time, I wanted to be close to him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!! On the other hand, I'm also really lucky to have this work situation now because it's so flexible and I take our dogs to work with us and it's really a good deal in a lot of ways. Just, my confidence is so low and I don't interact with people much in my current work. I do miss the independence I used to have when I had my own career, but it is unthinkable now to go back to anything like that.

Well, sorry to ramble on. I will end this tome for now!!! Thanks for asking. I hope you're having a good day (((((((((ss))))))))))

I had some intense symptoms of physical anxiety when I got into bed last night. It was strange because right before getting into bed I was thinking how much better my anxiety has been again overall. And then, a few minutes after turning out the light, my chest got really tight and I felt these waves of adrenaline coursing through me and my heart rate speeded up and I started sweating. It's so odd - and so disconcerting - when this happens out of the blue. I tried to stay with it and turn towards it. I got up briefly. Then went back to bed and tried to breathe deeply and evenly. Eventually I went to sleep. I sure wish I knew why that happened though. It's so unsettling. I still have some residual physical anxiety in my body today too. I'm going to go out for a nice hike later and I hope that will help. It's dry today!!

Love to all

Hey there. I hope everyone's okay. I loved reading about your textile history, SS. I applied to Parsons and they wanted me to develop a larger portfolio. I hadn't done anything with textiles at that point, and my talent hadn't really emerged, given all that I was dealing with at that age (mom's craziness, dad's cancer, bro's drug addiction and abusiveness, and being raped during my last year of H.S.). I have to resist much remorse about the creative career I didn't get to have. I'm sure that I idealize it a great deal, and the reality may not have matched it. I always loved costume. I did for a while a few years ago, make and sell fleece dog jackets. I still have the domain name doggedpursuits.net, but never created a web site. I just keep renewing the name year after year, ever hopeful that I'll get well enough to do some small business, or even Etsy.

I've also done a lot of knitting, made about a dozen sweaters. There's an original design posted among my photos. I've done some felting, but mostly sculptural needle felting. I want to do nuno or cobweb felting on top of some silk organza that I bought for interfacing. I keep seeing a Tibetan panel coat in mind a la Folkwear. It's so cool that we have this interest in common. I'd love to learn from you. Wish you were down the street. But, I can't get techniques to stick in memory. Every time I want to do welt pockets or bound buttonholes or whatever, I've got to look up the same Threads articles.

Sundog, I'm sorry that you've had such physical anxiety lately. I know and hate that feeling of not being motivated to get into any activity. I've always fantasized about working with my partner in a family business, thinking it would be safer than the work world, but I can see that it could feel like a trap, constraining in ways. I hope for you that you will find some opportunity that would excite you and make you want to take that risk. Though, I so well understand the fears around it.

Wednesday at 9 PM Eastern would be fine for the next meditation. Could you post the guided meditation link again, or else I'll try to find it here. Also, SS, you referred to an article with treatment ideas, for tinnitus? Where is the article located? The music continues to make me crazy and I just can't meditate anymore because I can't ignore the music. Yesterday, the car radio played "Soon It's Gonna Rain" from the Broadway show, The Fantastiks. I wasn't familiar with it, but tonight my brain started replaying it very accurately, and won't stop. When I hear real music, and then it stops, it'll replay verbatim in my head note for note. I can't believe this is happening, and that I'll have this every day of my life all day long. My life was so challenging before. This is like a bad cosmic joke. Sorry for the griping. Compared to events on the other side of the globe, this is not a life or death matter I'm dealing with.

I love hearing how talented you both are (and seeing the results in lavie's case in her photo album here). How wonderful to be able to make beautiful things!

I'm so sorry about the crazy-making music repeating endlessly in your head ((((((((lavie)))))))) It's exactly that type of no escape from self which ramps my panic levels up into the stratosphere. It's incredibly hard to deal with a trigger that is coming from inside of us. I really hope you're able to find some relief somehow (((((((((lavie)))))))))))

Phew.... what a long and stressful day! I am so glad to be back in my sanctuary. I am glad to be back here with you guys. Hanging out with 'normals' is just too much to take sometimes. They think it is easy to 'just calm down... don't get so excited.... it's no big deal.... settle down'. And this is when I am playing superwoman to keep things as controlled as possible. They think they are witnessing my anxiety because I am visibly on edge but they don't realize that they are seeing but a pin pricks worth of what is going on inside of me. If a momentary relapse causes me to expose a hint of anxiety I have a plastic smile I put on that hides what is really going on inside. It communicates that while I may have expressed some frustration or angst for a second it was only for a second. Brushed off like 'normals' do.

Sometimes, when I have had enough listening to someone who doesn't have a clue about what an anxiety disorder is about, or perhaps doesn't even accept that there is such a thing.... thinks it is just an excuse to be over dramatic about something everyone goes through now and then.... in my frustration I will try to explain that it isn't the same as 'normal' anxiety, or depression, insomnia, hyper sensitivity, hyper energy etc.... I tell them to imagine the anxiety or depression or whatever they have experienced and magnify it by a thousand and they might get a slight sense of what it is like for me. I don't know why I waste my breath because 9 times out of 10 they just shake their head and tell me I am exaggerating again and once again they tell me to just take a deep breath and calm down. ARRGGG!

While the advice in essence is not off track, it is what we are practicing through meditation and breathing exercises, through therapy and self discovery etc etc but it is the assumption that it is easy and my inablity to get a grip is because I am weakwilled or something even worse. When in fact we know just how much strength of will and self determination it takes just to survive everyday and get up again the next day to do it again. I guess that is why it is so comforting and calming to be able to come here and be understood. To not need to explain or justify or be made to feel I bring everything onto myself. To come to where I am acknowledged for my strength and not ridiculed for my weakness.

I hate that I have to break away to be alone to destress while others continue socializing. I hate a lot of the limitations in my life that the long list of dysfunctions that have attached themselves to me. I hate even more that 'normals' think I should just get over myself and calm down.

Okay.... enough of my rant. I do want to comment on somethings that you guys have shared but I will need to pick it up tomorrow. It is already 1am and tomorrow is the first day back at school after a 2 week spring break. The man will still be here and no doubt the request for this or that will be endless and so the drama continues.

I did have a settling meditation before I signed on and will do some more again in the hopes that it will help some more to bring me to a calmer place before I attempt to sleep. I am super tired so if I can get my brain to shut down I should be able to enter into lala land.

Thank you so much for being here and for sharing so much about your own lives and life histories. It means a lot to me.

Sweet dreams and I look forward to coming back tomorrow to catch up.... though any extended periods of time to myself may be at a premium the next couple of days yet.

(((((((ss))))))) I'm so sorry you had such a stressful day yesterday. I hear you on hating the inability of others to understand what an Anxiety Disorder really means (or, as you say, their refusal to accept that there is such a thing at all). We know how hard you're working on this. And we know how far you've come. And we're here to remind you of that any time you need to hear it ((((((((((((ss)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks sun. I am just taking a short break while the man is gone to meet up with our son at the gym. Popping in before I head out for a walk and get back to sewing before I have to start supper.

I didn't sleep much last night. Maybe a few hours in total but no more then a hour at taime. Just could not shut my brain off. It kept pulling forward one thing after another.

I woke feeling anxious and events piled on more until I went into my sewing room where I could be alone and focus only on the sewing.

The man leaves tomorrow so I should be able to settle things down again within a day or two.

Need to run now if I am going to get a walk in before things get busy around here again.

Thanks again for your support. I hope your day has had some bright sunshiny spots. Be well.

I'm sorry you didn't sleep well last night (((((((ss))))))) I hope you have a good walk

I've had a difficult day emotionally. Really tied myself up in some knots. Man, mindfulness is SO hard when you start trying to apply it to the hardcore stuff......!!!

Love you guys

SS, your comments really hit home...

"...my inablity to get a grip is because I am weakwilled or something even worse".

I lay this trip on myself. If I were stronger in character, smarter, etc., I'd have solved my problems and would have the things that others have. I scarcely realize how brutal I am to myself. I'd never treat someone else that way.

"I hate that I have to break away to be alone to destress while others continue socializing. I hate a lot of the limitations in my life that the long list of dysfunctions that have attached themselves to me".

I want to be a different person than I am. I know that there's a lot of good in me, yet, I wish that I could be extroverted, enthusiastic about life, people, etc., instead of overwhelmed, afraid of risk-taking, socially anxious, terrible self-esteem, and utterly stuck for years in the same place.

I had to play my MP3 player with ear buds today for hours, because I couldn't stand hearing the droning chorus in my head. There's an online discussion forum for those with this condition at Bryn Mar College, and some people actually enjoy the continual music they hear in their head, and use it creatively. I just want to put a bullet through my head. (I won't)