Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

Welcome suzzy and ZenSeeker. It is great to have you come to re-energize the thread again. You have done us a great service.

Sun and SunSun have been left to do the job alone for some time now. Hug thank yous to our faithfulls. It is great to see new folks rewarding the good work Sun and SunSun has been doing for us. I am very grateful to them for not allow this thread to die so others like yourself can come to support the cause.

I am glad to be back and look forward to seeing others come back again too. Your prompting gave me cause to take the time to get back in the action here.

ZenSeeker... great name. Makes me want to empower my name too. I think I am past seeking the stability of sanity. I am beginning to recognize the power within me to alter my reality and experience the stability I seek.

Thank you for sharing your experience with meditation. I know what you mean about recognizing the difference when meditative practises are pushed to the wayside. I think that awareness is key to bring us back to receive its gifts to us. Thank you for the kundalina blessing. I receive it with love.

I am so happy to hear how valued this thread has been for people beyond those who have posted. That in itself is an awesome blessing.

Be warned... I am a rambler when I get going. I feel a ramble brewing but will save it for its own post.

Thanks sanityseeker - maybe in a way zen, sanity, happiness and enlightenment are all the same thing. At the end of the day, I think that seeking whatever brings you peace is never a bad thing.

You are 100% about the power being inside you though - hard as that is to remember when things are hard, we really DO have the answers in there somewhere!

I hope that we can all find that inner power to reconnect with ourselves, and enjoy all the awesomeness that this thread has to offer!

P.S. Being a rambler is cool, it means you have a lot of thoughts and lots to say!

Hi Zen. Nicely sad.... seeking what brings forth peace is indeed a good thing. Sometimes when anxiety and other symptoms act up it is hard to imagine finding any peace. It is that awareness of personal power that keeps hope alive.

It has been an interesting and enlightening journey for me these last weeks. Learning to settle the racy thoughts that often can consume my brain by training myself to enter into mindfulness has made a world of difference. Practicing the meditative walking that Sun introduced to me has become a great technique to slow me down. Not only with my thinking but with how moving fast escalates the stress that then become anxiety that can bring me to my knees. I habitually seem to think everything I do is on some kind of tight time clock even when no time crunch exists.

Because of meditation et. al. I can now sense when I am starting to increase my speed and take action before it is out my hands. Being able to notice when the racy-ness is altering my sense of peace and wellness has become key to taking action. I can cut it off with focused breathing and then talk myself through slowing down. Meditative walking has been very helpful. It not only brings me into awareness but it brings me back to a place of level that I then celebrate as a victory of overcoming.

I have discovered the more times I experience a victory of overcoming a harmful dysfunction the more I am empowered to turn away from the dysfunction with a proven focused alternative.

I still have days and moments when symptoms catch me off guard and I crumble under the effects. The difference now is the length of time that I am caught. More and more meditation is helping me see what is happening and empower me to find that peaceful place of acceptance.

I was stuck in traffic last week and starting to panic that I would be late for a dentist appointment. It was already enough that I was heading into city traffic. I had been doing well dealing until I hit a construction zone and backed up traffic.

I automatically reacted with frustration and worry and anger. I caught myself before it took me over the edge. I pushed myself to focus on my breath and enter mindfulness. To put myself in the moment rather than concern myself with needing to get moving.

I shifted my attention to the views of the mountains, the wispy clouds in the sky and the wildflowers lining the road. I told myself no amount of fussing was going to change reality. I began to notice things that I would not have seen if I was speeding down the highway. I watch two eagles circling over the river and the circled around me. A sign of good fortune. I acknowledged that had I not been stalled in traffic I would have missed the gifts I was given in return.

Lavie taught me the power of singing so I began to sing. I sang affirmations and messages of acceptance. I got silly and even laughed at the words I was singing.

I have discovered that singing is a way to bring my breathing back to level and to lift my spirits. Since singing requires deep breaths in and exhausting breath out it works its magic. I have also noticed that yawning can have the same effect. Sometimes when the stress level is rising I will find myself yawning. It will happen spontaneously.

All of these techniques that I have been practicing thanks to the wisdom shared here have played a major role in opening up the door to the world for me again. I am working outside my home because of the gifts shared here. I am cutting off and overcoming those times when I feel the stress rising. Because I know what it feels like to not be consumed by stress etc it motivates me and empowers me to face the anxiety head on with a counter attack. Be gone anxiety!! I am in charge now!! lol.

Hi everyone.... I created a social group called Walk In Beauty. If you have posted on this thread I should have sent you an invite. If not drop me a note on my profile and I will extend an invite.

I was inspired by many things and among them is this thread. I hope you will take a walk in beauty with me.

PS... the group is in no way intended to replace this thread. Nothing could ever do that!! Instead I hope it will complement what we are doing together here. A social group has somewhat looser perameters should we happen to get into discussions that may not be appropriate, accepted or permitted in open forums.

Since I am here I might as well chat it up a bit. I can't tell you how much I am enjoying my job at the show garden. It is the most peaceful place on earth and I get to be there everyday.

The show garden has been created in a natural setting and spreads over 28 acres surrounded by trees that include cedars at least 100 years old. It is like heaven to me. Wherever you look the beauty just takes your breath away and pops your eyes wider then saucers.

I work mostly at the admissions gate and the gift and plant shop. While there is always a view of some garden spaces the real thrill is to take the time to walk the main gardens. Sometimes I guide groups of visitors through the gardens. Otherwise I usually come to work an hour early at least once a week to see all the changes and to sit for a while quietly on a bench overlooking some of my favourite spots.

Oh I could go on and on because to even think about it I feel uplifted. I intend to bring my camera along with me on my next walk. I will post some so you see just how beautiful it really is.

I have been a very bad girl tonight. Don't anyone look at the time of this post. Especially you Sun.... lol.

Hope everyone is doing well and seeing the beauty that surrounds you. I know from experience how hard it can be sometimes to see anything through the clouds of darkness that can sometimes block our view. I also know from experience that there are days when the sun does come out to put the light back in our eyes.

Wherever we may be.... up or down, clear or confused, at peace or in turmoil.... as one we subdue as many we renew.

In a spirit of peace and harmony I bid you goodnight or rather goodmorning.

I will leave you with this great video that I have used for meditation. May you enjoy every breath you take, marvel at the beauty you see and envelop the peace that the moments can bring. Blessings.

Hummmm.... it looks like I am on my own here for a while. Fair enough since I was gone so long. Nevertheless I will carry on carrying on reflecting on the blessings of mindful meditation.

I seem to be doing a lot of entertaining of questions lately. I believe it to be an indication of my emergence from a solitude of spirit. For too many years to count, I have been isolating, insolating and separating myself from the world. I have left myself alone to face fears that get bigger left only in my head. Left alone with my doubts, my negativity, my defeats. From the place I created for myself, the place I thought was safe and free from harm my fears magnifed, my doubts expanded. My hopes and dreams abandoned.

In that place I heard the negative voices more loudly, more authoritively, more absolutely day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. I could not even consider an altered reality to the one I had fallen into, the one I couldn't find my way out from, the one that consumed and trapped me. Slowly but surely I am emerging to be able to reframe my thinking and empower my responses. I have more courage and more conviction to risk facing anything that gets in my way of reclaiming my life.

The more time I spend in the silent places in my head emersed in the calming presence of a centered peace, the more clearly I can see myself 'apart of' while still 'apart from' the world around me; the more I can see my connectedness, my belong, my usefullness, my place.

More and more I find myself in the circle of a kind of ceaseless meditation. More and more each vacant moment of time gets automatically filled with moments of mindfullness observation. The taking in of what is good, honourable, just and kind. That can smoothly lead me towards meditative stillness. To a place of emptiness from which flows a refreshed fullness.

Not sure any of that makes any sense to anyone or if anyone can relate to what I am trying to say. I just know since beginning this walk I am more equipped to respond to those things that have been keeping me down.

Basically what that means for me is that I have quicker access to the tools that can serve me when I need them the most. My inventory of 'anxiety-busters' has increased considerably. My faith the tools can effect my response in situations that trigger anxiety or any other symptom has grown right along side.

In addition to the inventory of tools to help me out I also have experiences of victory to empower me to want to taste victory again and again. I am actually beginning to believe I can manage triggering situations and sudden flips in my mood and outlook on my life. It is like a change of positioning that says, 'You don't control me. I control you. Test me as you might I will always come out on top.' Anxiety, depression, hyper-sensitivity, hyper-reactions, flipping out, folding in.... any of it.... all of it.... I will still come out on top.'

I just realized the Social Group - Walk in Beauty that I started last night is a public thread. That means it does not require me to send an invitation for people to join. Anyone can join in at any time. Feel free anyone to steer fold here and there. Its a journey worth sharing.

I really hope it serves as a useful complement to this thread. Exploring, contemplating, identifying with beauty is a gift of seeing and knowing what mindfullness, meditation et. al. serves to open us up to receiving.

Blessings.

Thanks for the invite and link!

Just wondering, did you have any luck with this? I'd been looking for one of those mp3s but couldn't find one that looked legit.

Update..... Walk in Beauty Group has now gone private. PM if you didn't get an invite or know someone you want to invite.

Great to see you here Indie. I will catch up here another time. Have to run now to pick up my son from work and then it is lala time for me.

wishing you all good things toped with lots of sprinkles of joy.

I'm glad to be talking to you Sanity...we have a lot in common.

It is always good to talk to you Indie. It has been way too long. I think about you often wondering what art you have been creating. I am glad you are here with us.

What??? Do I smell or something?? I love that Indie has come on board but hey what did I do to chase the rest of you away? What is it going to take to get you back here again. Big sigh.

You're a sweetie Sanity, I'm sure they'll come back.

That makes me feel good, thank you!

Well Indie I guess it is up to us for now to keep this alive around here. It's all good. Time for a ramble from me....

As you may know I have been sounding the trumpet lately about my increase ability to bust symptoms like anxiety and mood extremes... sound sensitivity etc etc. I have acknowledge how well taking time to meditate in silence and meditate on things of beauty and be attentive to my breath and attentive to my body language, my body stress.... just generally more attentive to my state of wellness or rather unwellness.

Now and then I will engage in more formal or at least ritualized and guided meditations and I find those to be great. Particular chakra meditation. I like how that makes me have a full body experience that actually can alter my thinking and bust any symptom dogging me at the time.

Other then the ritual of meditating to prepare myself for sleep, mostly my meditation practices have evolved into seizing moments throughout the day to attend to how I am feeling and functioning.... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritual. It serves to get my attention. Once I am attentive and the more often I check in with myself then the better able I am to do what I need to do to re-align myself. If I ignore the signs that my alignment is out or if symptoms escellate to fast or creap up on me the more vulnerable I am to triggers.

As great as all that is.... seeing results from being attentive and willing to use one or another symptom busting techique as required, experiencing victories of overcoming and generally feeling more positive about my own ability to manage symptoms... somedays the symptoms can still get the better of me.

The last couple of days have had those kind of moments. Those times when the symptoms act out so quickly that I am sunk before I have a change to break away and re-align. Or I ignore the signs and don't do anything about it. Or at least not soon enough for any effort to bear much fruit.

I have noticed something interesting that happens when those hard hits happen. It seems to trigger a resistance to trying to pull myself into alignment. The line between having the will and capacity to turn anything around, and having no will or capacity to try.

Its a funny head game. Well not so funny actually. I get to that point beyond will and capacity where it is easier to just sink. To give up, to let go, to fall over. When the symptom(s) are so active that I can feel my resolve weaken until it is almost non-existent. It is like falling into a familiar hole and because it is familiar my responses becomes totally symptom driven and I no longer feel in control. I no longer want control. I am defeated and accepting of the defeat. When that voice in my head says I am delusional if I think I can escape its strong and painful grip. The pit is my reality. Life out of the pit is a torturing tease. A delusion. A lie.

There may be a still quiet voice in my head telling me the pit is a delusion and I can get back out if I do this or that or another thing. If I open my bag of symptom busters and pull something out that might get me out of the pit. But I don't open the bag. I get angry instead that I need the bag at all. The dialogue in my head recents how often I have to open that bag just to make it through each day. Of course that is total generalization. In that state of mind there is no recollection of victory. The only thing I believe when I am in that state is that I am a fool for trying. A fool for believing. A useless fool walking down a fools path. The negative points of view have me chained to them and I once again become a victim to those beliefs about myself. That line is so thin. The black and white thinking so absolute.

Now, in the light of a new day, I am tired from the meltdowns but I am not defeated. I didn't get trapped for long before I found some resolve to open the bag. While no major stories of overcoming and returning to a place of high optomism and confidence can be told I am out of the pit. I am listening to a different voice... though still with some doubt and vulnerability dogging me.

I am back pulling things out of the bag and showing myself extra kindnesses but the fall has me tired and doubting there is much point. Intellectually I know what is true but emotionally I think I know what is really true. Intellectually I know what I need to do but emotionally I don't see the point if coping and busting is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.

I am now forcing myself to meditate, to place myself in the now and let go of the rest. I am now talking myself into believing it is worth the effort. Oh how fine that line really is. It becomes about choice. What will I choose from this vulneral place?

I know I must choose to believe in my own power. I must choose to do what can strengthen my power. It is hard when one feels defeated and weak to not just stay defeated and weak. It feels easier..... To give in and fade out.

I am tired and I am struggling some to quiet the ugly thoughts in my head. I suspect what is best for me.... is to just walk in evidence. I have seen and felt the benefit of treating myself with kindness, patience and understanding and that is what my meditations and self talk conversations are focused on. Kindness, patience and understanding are words I am using like a kind of mantra or continuous affirmations of self love. I am, even those somewhat reluctantly, putting aside what is spinning around in my head and making the effort with whatever resources are in me.

I guess I have rambled on way to long. Especially since I can't turn this into much of a victory story. There may well be a victory story in there somewhere.... maybe tomorrow I will see it. Maybe tomorrow if I give myself the chance to separte from the darkness I will see the light again.

At least I am still functioning and I am functioning better than I was just a few weeks ago. I will dwell on that reality and give myself some slack. I guess that is a good place to go. A quiet peaceful place that will help to open my eyes and strengthen my resolve. Again.... again and again.... I guess that is how the game is played.

Sleep would be good too. Too many long days and late nights. Hey, rational thoughts. One step forward I guess. I think I will go to youtube for a while and find something to guide some meditation.

I am glad Indie. When I think about art in the context of mental illness, especially since I have been meditating et. al..... I have begun to see a parallel between art and meditation. Art is meditation. It absorbs and focuses the artist on one thing, the art. Artist have a relationship with the art they create. When creating art nothing else matters. Nothing else clogs the brain. Even when the art doesn't work out like the artists expects just the process of making art... the mindfullness of the process provides the artist a release, a separation from those things outside of the art.

Meditative art. I don't work until noon tomorrow. I think I will do something artistic. Maybe go out to my garden and take some pictures. I have been putting it off for way too long. Yup.... tomorrow will be picture day.

Another thing I can do tomorrow is go into work early enough to walk through the garden and maybe take pics there too. Yup.... time to turn to beauty for support.

Sorry for turning things back to me. I appreciate you being here to inspire me to decide to put my feet in forward motion again.

What is that saying.... it doesn't matter how you fall but rather how you get back up. Or some version of that idea.

Keep looking up my friend. I will try to do the same.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how this thread and the stories would have been received by me not so long ago. I can recall reading similar accounts of overcoming, reintegrating into the world and even recover.

My usual response was often, 'maybe for them but not for me, I am never going to get out of this cycle of craziness.' ‘Nothing I try to do doesn’t work.’ ‘Why them and not me.’ ‘I will never get off this merry-go-round until I die’…. or some version driven by the place of hopelessness and helplessness. I was I thought defeated, falling with no way up.

At its worst I was trapped in my own house, isolated from family and friends for weeks, months even years at a time. I was losing clients like flies, unable to have a conversation without breaking down, unable to get out bed for days, even weeks. Lost in the torture that was my life. I would go on destruction rampages, screaming in emotional pain, self harming, gambling, drugging….. all in an attempt to find some release.

When I was younger I recovered more quickly. I could bounce back quickly enough to return to my highly driven and workaholic lifestyle. Insomnia was welcomed because it meant more time to work. I was feed by people’s admiration of me; my boundless energy, passions, my commitment and determination. I was the go-to person both among friends and family and in the workplace. My achievements were many and my influence great. I seldom if ever turned to anyone for support because I didn't trust anyone enough to let them help me when I fell. I avoided intimate relationships to save men from my neuroticism and the resulting turmoil I would bring into their lives. Only one made it through my walls and he paid a heavy price until the effects of my crazies started to impact his own physical and mental health.

I share this because I suspect there are people reading this thread that might feel the same when they read some of my stories of overcoming. To maybe give people who might think they will never get to experience any form of recovery that there is hope for them too. They are not alone in their suffering and that no matter what life can get better.

Without presuming anything about other people’s own suffering, and from a place of compassion and empathy, I thought I would try to identify those key elements that have brought me to this place of increased wellness. I welcome others to do the same.

Professional help - It was 5 years of hell before I finally turned (again) to the professionals for help. They were very short-lived attempts. Abandonment, competency and trust issues made me turn away. Faced with pressure to take meds pushed me away even further. I wanted some form of behaviourcounseling but no counseling was available.

Six months ago I relented again and turned to the professionals. I was desperate but no more optimistic that it would amount to anything. This time was different. I went armed with more knowledge about med therapy. I had found on-line support groups, read enough, researched enough, listened enough to have some understanding of therapeutic options. I knew enough to take charge of any kind of med therapy I might be willing to try. When a pdoc tried to prescribed a cock-tail of meds (one for sleep, one for mood swings, one for depression, one for anxiety etc etc) I declined. If I started to function better how would I know which of all those meds was working. I knew insomnia was a major trigger so I accepted Seroquel for a while and it seemed to work. I went off of it as soon as my sleep was more regulated. It seemed to help settle the racing thoughts that flooded my head whenever I closed my eyes, the flashing lights and pop-up faces became less disturbing.

I had heard good things about Lamotragine from friends here. Even with better sleeps my moods swings were still pulling me all over the place. Lamotrigine was among the list pdocs had recommended so I decided to ask my GP for a script. The side effects at first feed my beliefs that the meds were poisonous.

I am still not convinced it is the meds that have turned anything around and almost daily I am tempted to drop it. The fear of meds and their long term effects still scares the bejebbers out of me but I am better. I have to recognize that and stick to the plan. I hope I can drop it someday but not anytime soon. When the GP messed up by jumping from 100mgs to 200mgs obviously too incompetent to know it must be increased in 25mg increments 2 weeks apart. I knew that but somehow let it happen just the same. The side effects were horrendous!! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I thought I was developing dementia. My cognitive abilities were severely affected. The symptoms finally settled after a couple of weeks but my confidence in the GP who was my only source of meds went down the toilet. He will not mess with me again. I am in charge now.

Med Therapy Supports
Fortunately my moods have stabilized. At least enough to feel more able to reenter the world. Enough to open me up to the benefits that might be achieved if I made the attempt to support the med therapy by focusing on behaviour changes and coping techniques. If I couldn’t fully recover I could at least learn how to cope so that the symptoms would own me less.

Among the bag of coping skills that I have collected are things like spiritual ceremonies (prayer, cleansing, renewal, affirmations), meditation and relaxation techniques, singing, positive messaging, focused breathing, reality checks, thought reframing, tapping… anything that might slow me down, settle the racy thoughts, loosen anxiety, lift me up, strengthen my will… anything and everything that others have experience or research supports can reduce the effects of symptoms and even get free of major symptom outbreaks. Techniques that can empower a person enough to get back into life.

Taking Charge
Filling the bag of symptom response techniques took time. It took persistence, it took faith I couldn’t see let alone believe. I was increasingly desperate for something that would help me turn things around. A few months ago things were so bad that I was forced to go on social assistance, apply for disability assistance to avoid the job search requirements. I was at high risk of losing my house. My truck was due to die (sorry for my lack of faith ol’ blue). I had accumulated a credit card debt in the double digits and say no light at the end of the tunnel. I still couldn’t work… I went to interviews but nothing came of it. It was humiliating because I had never not been selected for any job I went after. I couldn’t socialize, I couldn’t cope with load or sudden sounds, I was haunted by noises in my head and flashings and sometimes disturbing images in my head. The anxiety and other symptoms were still too controlling. The meds seemed to ease the severity and length of the symptom control but not enough to think I could reengage in life.

I have since reengaged. I am working, I am off assistance, I am managing and coping with symptoms that while present and persistent have less and less of a hold on me. While there are still days when I fall and I either start to recent the need for my bag of counter-attacks or I think my good days were just a pause in the cycling.

What pulls me back to level is the fact that I have since experienced the effectiveness of those things I have in my bag of overcoming techniques. My accumulation of positive effects is now collecting in a bag of victories I carry around with my bag of tricks.

Most significant among the changes in how I approach symptom activity is my attention to my wellness – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I pay attention to my body language, my breathing, my pace, my thinking etc etc. I notice when things go off-balance and I act quickly to prevent a symptom from pushing me off the rails. I am in charge and I can effect change in how tightly, how debilitating, how extreme a symptom breakout will get. I am and can continue to be the one in charge.

Each day is a new day. Some days are easy and some days are beyond hard but I have my own evidence now. I am not defenseless anymore.

My hope by sharing my journey to where I find myself today I might encourage people to hold on and believe. That others might persist in taking more control over the symptoms that bind. We are all different and our experiences are all different and the severity of symptoms are all different too.

I am not at all presuming what works for me will work for you. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. Maybe other things are more effective and more suited to you. I do however suggest that we can find personal power when we fill our own bag with an arsonal of defenses. I have proven to myself that my bag is my source in dealing with and living with often debilitating symptoms.

My message is a message of hope. A message of encouragement, a message of support and empathy, a message of love. I am one of those people who when she discovers something wonderful, something that helps she wants everyone to experience the same.

Wishing you peace and wellness.