Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression

at least when aggression comes out ppl listen, granted it hurts others sometimes but then again they stop taking me for granted

Angie, you suppose it's ASSERTIVENESS rather than AGRESSION? I can't say as I've ever seen you get agressive; mean or nasty. You just tell it like it is!

Some people mistake assertivness for agression and it's not.

Assertiveness is covered in Chapter 8 Guess Dr Clay has us all figured out!

The "feeling like a victim" thing is so totally me that it hurts to read it.

(((hugs))) Just keep swimming.

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How angry are you? There are so many frustrations in our daily lives; one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is <ul type="square">[*](1) the intensity of our anger and[*](2) the degree of control we have over our anger. That is, how close are we to losing control? About two-thirds of the students in my classes feel the need to gain more control over their anger.

How much of a temper do you have? Ask yourself these kind of questions:[*] Do you have a quick or a hot temper?[*] Do you suppress or hide your anger (passive-aggressive or victim)?[*] Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way? fails to give you credit for your work? criticizes your looks or opinions or work? gives themselves advantages over you?[*] Do you get angry at yourself when you make a foolish mistake? do poorly in front of others? put off important things? do something against your morals or better judgment?[*] Do you drink alcohol or use drugs?[*] Do you get angry or mellow when you are high? Research clearly shows that alcohol and drugs are linked with aggression. Drinking decreases our judgment and increases our impulsiveness, so watch out.

You probably have a pretty accurate picture of your temper. But check your opinion against the opinion of you held by relatives and friends. There also are several tests that measure anger, e.g. Spielberger (1988) and by DiGiuseppe & Tafrate (2003). The latter scale has 18 subscales but only takes 20 minutes.

What can be done to reduce hate, anger, and violence? I hope, as you read this chapter, that you find several opportunities for you to control your anger and to contribute to global efforts to avoid violence or war and to be kinder to each other. I believe parents and schools could teach everyone many things about how to control their anger. I believe help in resolving parent-child and marital conflicts could be made readily available. We could, as individuals, encourage other people, our own government, and other nations to negotiate differences rather than developing a negative stereotype of each other and fighting with each other. Good conflict resolution practices could be praised wherever they occur. Teach the benefits of understanding others and acquire the wisdom of forgiving unkind acts. There are many things to do that will reduce the level of violence in families and increase the kindness in the world.

There are two related problems that badly need attention:[*] (1) having self-control and individually coping with an angry person and[*](2) conflict resolution within families, ethnic and religious groups, work organizations, and especially between armed gangs, political movements or militaristic countries.

Self-control is different from peacefully settling arguments between tribes and countries. Relatively little science-based efforts are being made in either area, although the world is filled with people willing to give you or sell you advice about self-discipline.

And there are even more moralistic teachers and preachers holding forth along with lawyers, social scientists, and politicians who claim special skills or methods for fairly resolving conflicts. With all these people trying to save the world, why aren’t the World Court and United Nations better supported and used to keep peace? Why do some people have many more resources and much more influence than others if the majority of people in the world really believe in democracy? Why can’t modern, educated societies restrict revenge and develop rules of engagement to limit violence like many animals and primitive tribes did? Why do we think in terms of using massive force, unconditional surrender, “kill them all,” etc?[/list]

</font> Next: HOW DO WE GET SO ANGRY? http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org.../chap7_14.html

I was glad to see this thread. Controlling our anger is very important. I like the combination of readings and personalized discussion. It reminds me of a good class discussion of a reading assignment.

I may be able to suggest this later on but I'd like to see a discussion of Determinism (http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.net/) in Chapter 14 in relationship to Anger. If one can understand and accept a person (that is, see how the characteristics that make you mad could have lawfully developed), the anger should calm some.

Sorry I have missed some of this discussion but I'll get caught up.

drclay

Rap:

That looked like an insightful post. Keep going. I wondered if finding other ways of responding might be helpful to you. Often learning to give "I" statements (see this technique in Chapter 13) will give you a way to talk about something that concerns you. You may feel like blasting away with an accusatory response but an "I" statement helps us avoid an provocative comment. People can usually not say "you don't feel that way" because you usually know your feelings better than anyone else.

drclay

Dr Clay, I find it difficult to constantly use "I" statements. It seems that whenever I use them, some others think I'm being arrogant and a "know it all." If I can soften the statement by using: "perhaps it.." or something like "it seems that..". even though it is a personal experience, then it's taken as less offensive. People tend to assign anger to me, when I'm not feeling or thinking anger at all. I do try to use "imo" (in my opinion) or 'that's just my pov" to declare I realize that others might have different experiences or opinions, but still, some ppl insist I'm posting angrily or snobbishly. I guess they must also add agressiveness onto it? I think you know me well enough to judge me as not that way in general. How do I promote (without halo data) my generally good attitude and understanding spirit and not come across as angry or aggressive? ( I have to admit that a recent attack on my posting on something I truly do know about has dented my "ego" a bit.. .thus my declaration in my signature.)

In reviewing your statements about aggression, I don't fit into that at all. [Aggression: overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, accusing someone of having immoral or despicable traits or motives, nagging, whining, sarcasm, prejudice, flashes of temper.
3. Hurtful: malicious gossip, stealing, trouble-making.]

nothemama8:

Consider the possibility of making an "I" statement, such as "I feel hurt when you say......" or say "I sometimes feel taken for granted when we are together." You may get a better response from the people who take you for granted. An angry reaction to such people probably results in alienation or in increased anger.

drclay

_Sky:

Yes, you are right when you say some "I" statements can be taken as posting angrily or snobbishly. So the softening is needed, as you said, especially if the person seems to be confident and sure of themselves. As emphasized in the section on "I" statements in Chapter 13, simple self-reporting of one's feelings, "I feel left out and powerless in this group" without accusing or blaming anyone of being angry and unfair or wrong is a lot less hostile than "you statements" as in "You are so self-centered that my opinion doesn't seem to be given any weight. You always want to have your way."

I'm sure many assertive women are unfairly accused of being pushy and hostile. Able and confident women are still disliked by some peers. That is too bad.

drclay

Hi All,
I discovered a couple of different things that help me in the heat of the moment. I agree with Sky that I statements need to be tempered somewhat, sometimes. #1 I buy myself a little time by just thinking about what I want to get across before I say it and, #2 if all else fails I say "well, reasonable people disagree all the time" and see where the conversation goes from there. I typically do some of this in meetings in my place of employ. If I'm strictly talking about my feelings elsewhere, I do use "I" statements.

Dr. Clay, glad you are better.
Okie

okie that's true, "reasonable people disagree all the time" so of course disagreeable people will too!!

Thanks Dr Clay. I have received numerous messages of support here and I shouldn't discount them for the few who outwardly attack me.

Now to work on the anger (frustration) within!

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How do we get so angry? Sternberg’s theory Psychologists have given much less thought to hate than to love, depression, fears, and bad habits. Yet, there are a few books and theories about why we hate (Keen, 1986; Dozier, 2003; Levin & Rabrenovic, 2004). One of the best and most recent theories is by Dr. Robert Sternberg (2005), who is well known for his descriptions of higher mental functions (intelligence, creativity and wisdom). He has also proposed a theory about love. He says that love has three parts:<ul type="square">[*] (1) intimacy,[*](2) passion and[*] (3) commitment. A major factor that contributes to the love one achieves in life consists of the various love stories (expectations and memories) one experiences and retains about love over his/her life time. Examples of love stories or beliefs are:[*] (a) marriage is a business deal and each person has jobs to do;[*](b) one person can not meet all your needs so you need to have lots of relationships, not just a lover, and[*] (c) love soon becomes boring or a series of unhappy wars;[*] (d) love is a fairy tale of a prince and a princess who have a wonderful life together loving each other forever; and so on. Sternberg applies many of the same ideas to hate.

The three components that make up hate are:[*](1) First a steady avoidance of interacting with people we don’t like which leads to having few facts and little understanding of each other. Without meaningful interaction with our enemies there is little way to discredit the propaganda and rumors we hear about them being inferior, arrogant, immoral, cruel, subhuman, or evil people, almost like dirty or vicious animals.[*] (2) A second part of hate is a strong emotional reaction of passionate anger, contempt, and disgust or dislike for the enemy. These negative feelings are quick conditioned responses which our brain doesn’t check for accuracy.[*] (3) The third part of hate consists of a belief system that adds fuel to the hot emotions and justifies our hate and our firm commitment to avoiding, denouncing, and degrading or destroying the hated group.[/list]

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Of course, each part of hate varies in strength from person to person, time to time, and situation to situation, resulting in different kinds of hatred discussed later.

Starting early in life children are often taught—via stories—and citizens are persuaded (via propaganda by the state) that the enemy is a despicable group of people. Sternberg considers that very important, using several pages to describe the typical stories used to generate hate that underlies war, terrorism, massacres, genocide and so on. The evil enemy is often described as a stranger who looks odd and is dirty and trying to control or wanting to torture you. He is likely to hate your religion and be an enemy of God.

One of the favorite stories to arouse hatred describes the hated group as rapists and murderers of women and children. Early in US history Indians were described as savages standing in the way of the “Manifest Destiny” of our great new nation. Summary: the hate-generating stories often depict the enemy as barbaric, ignorant, cruel, dirty, lazy, animalistic, greedy, dangerous, and lusting after women and as enemies of God. Sternberg (2005) also discusses the motives of governments, religions, ethnic or economic groups for wanting to foment hate.

The more you have of these three parts of hate the more you hate the people you consider enemies or bad. If you have enough hate, it is quite possible that you would support genocide; many countries have—Germans in the Holocaust, Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, Pakistani in Bangladesh, Russians in Ukraine, Hutus in Rwanda, Tutsis against Hutus in Burundi, Serbs in Bosnia and Kosovo, Genghis Khan in Asia, Sudanese against Darfur, and even in U.S. history Christians in the Crusades and the United States used force to almost eliminate the Indians.

It is hard to imagine how intelligent humans are able to build up enough hate to justify killing basically innocent men, women, and children. Sometimes the hate is so intense that people are not just quickly killed but brutally destroyed by cutting off their heads or raping the women using guns, knives, and crude instruments so that, if they live, the women can never have children. Leaders and moral authorities sometimes use propaganda to build a belief system so filled with intense hatred that the general public becomes persuaded that it is morally justified and even a moral duty to fight and kill the enemy.

This hate-building process is happening many places in the world even in its most intense form, e.g. in Israel and Palestine, in Iraq, in other Islamic countries, in Northern Ireland, in North Korea. But in many places moderate dislike and strong suspicions are being built by leaders. Leaders should be very cautious about labeling people as evil, even if it garners them votes or power. The stereotypes generated by propaganda are often not accurate at all and certainly don’t fit everyone in the group described. Not everyone subject to this propaganda becomes avid haters; some may merely come to feel superior to the enemy and, in general, self-righteous.

<font color="blue">One advantage of Sternberg’s theory of hate is that various combinations of the three components result in several distinctly different kinds of hate which could help us better understand the nature of hate…and may yield clues to treating the hater.

The most intense type of hatred could be called “burning hate.” This occurs when all three components are so intense (burning passion of hate, scornfully avoiding interacting with the hated group, and a solidified belief that the enemy is bad) that the result may be a belief that the “enemy” should be annihilated. There is, of course, hate in milder forms: “cool hate” when the angry person just doesn’t want to be around the disliked group, “hot hate” like road rage where the person is feeling very angry for a short time but doesn’t know much about the other person and knows it is temporary, and “simmering hate” when the hater feels loathing or disgust towards a certain group of people for a long time but feels only a moderately intense passion of hate.

Some psychologists believe such people could stay angry for a long time and eventually work out plans to become quite dangerous to national leaders or to leaders of the enemy group, such as gays and lesbians. Several kinds of hate are described by Sternberg’s system.

Almost as an afterthought in his article Sternberg (2005) asks “is there a cure for hate?” No, he says, but there are things that could be done when war or terrorism is threatening:[list][*](1) Urge both sides to avoid using negative stereotypes and to cool the rhetoric by omitting the hate producing stories,[*] (2) recognize the three-legged stool that hate is built on and remember that hate increases when any ingredient is strengthened,[*] (3) remember that derogatory stories and propaganda rapidly escalate anger and hatred and increase the risk of violence,[*] (4) take action, if you can, to oppose hate and reduce tension rather than being a passive observer.

Sternberg believes that angry conflicts are best fought by wisdom, including understanding practically useful psychology and having empathy for others so you can see things from another perspective. Wisdom is the key to recognizing the exaggerations and hateful lies in the propaganda and stories that form the basis of prejudice and hatred of other people. He has proposed that schools develop programs to teach wisdom—or use the teaching program he has already developed (Sternberg, 2001).

Aaron Beck (2000), an early founder of Cognitive Therapy, presents a similar explanation of the cognitive distortions that lead to individual violent behavior and to group/governmental acts of terrorism, war, and genocide. If these atrocities are going to be stopped by rational people, much more needs to be learned about anger, prejudice, violence, and self-control. And a world movement against killing as a way of solving conflicts needs to be nourished.

Anybody get the feeling that nobody is really listening to the other posters?? Maybe it's just me. I feel like I need to just withdraw and keep my fingers still because I'm talking to the wind. Beginning to feel some anger here...

Quite the contrary, as this thread has a good number of views and replies accordingly. It's good for our own selves to review this material. Once we gain control of our own issues with anger and frustration, we will be better equipped to handle other's. Reading some posting of members here can become frustrating if we take it personally... as some members seem to be stuck where they are, and we need to tell them the same things of support over and over. I know when triggered by authority, you have to give me the same lines of information, right? Don't be discouraged... work on yourself, as each of us do, and we'll all get there, eventually.

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SeptemberMorn said:
Angie, you suppose it's ASSERTIVENESS rather than AGGRESSION? I can't say as I've ever seen you get aggressive; mean or nasty. You just tell it like it is!

Some people mistake assertiveness for aggression and it's not.

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I think that's a very good point, Tomi. As Dr. Clay mentioned, often assertiveness in women is seen as aggressive or unladylike. I think similarly, if someone is not usually assertive, when they do speak or act assertively, it can be startling and feel threatening to those who prefer to be the dominant one in the interaction. So it might get labeled as aggression or some other negative label, especially if one is asserting anger.

gg

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okiedokie said:
I buy myself a little time by just thinking about what I want to get across before I say it and, #2 if all else fails I say "well, reasonable people disagree all the time"

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I need to work on that first one. Good strategies!

gg

Good post gg..... I've been on both sides of that one, especially with my mother.........

requote:

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Aaron Beck (2000), an early founder of Cognitive Therapy, presents a similar explanation of the cognitive distortions that lead to individual violent behavior and to group/governmental acts of terrorism, war, and genocide. If these atrocities are going to be stopped by rational people, much more needs to be learned about anger, prejudice, violence, and self-control.

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I would hope that ALL of you reading would at least post a wave or hi or good reading or some reply. This is an educational process... as Beck suggested? Learning about how people show their cognitive distortions (first?) and then develop into violent behavior is important. That speaks to me especially here at PC where so many members either don't know about the cognitive distortions (basic ones sticky posted at top of Psychotherapy forum) or refuse to work on them.

Eveyone needs to know how to identify angry, aggressive behavior, and be able to distinguish it from assertiveness. Then, when we see this behavior, feel confident enough in our judgment to let someone in authority know what we think. That is one way to help make all of us, here and in society in general, much safer. IMO

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Eveyone needs to know how to identify angry, aggressive behavior, and be able to distinguish it from assertiveness. Then, when we see this behavior, feel confident enough in our judgment to let someone in authority know what we think.

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When people are still in the "victim mode," it's difficult to be aware that they are STILL being victims.

How anger interacts with other emotions and factors

"Since anger can be such a powerful emotion, its impact is felt in many ways. Perhaps we should start by reviewing the complex relationships that exist between anger and other emotions (see Chapters 5, 6, 7, and 8) as well as between anger and other behaviors or factors, such as values. First of all, if you are strong-willed, the values, morals, ideals that guide your life may have a big influence on your angry emotions and aggressive behaviors. On the other hand, if your anger is especially strong, it may severely test or overwhelm your ideals about how to behave. In any case, you have to find a way for your anger to co-exist with your sense of appropriate behavior and your philosophy of life (see Chapter 3). Many people (including me) believe that your ideals should trump your surging angry moods (if you fail in this, then you will have another emotion—guilt--to deal with).

I believe that one of your highest priorities should be keeping your vindictive anger, your self-serving (or others-be-damned) ambitions, and your resentment under control. The consequences of anger, such as being inconsiderate, mean, or violent, are behaviors; therefore, you need to have a thorough knowledge of how to avoid the pitfalls of anger and control your excessive aggression and other unwanted behaviors. (See Chapter 4). To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking. – Johann von Goethe, 1749-1832, German Poet, Dramatist, Novelist

Most of us feel a little tense when we get angry. We know there are risks involved; we might lose control and others might retaliate. We certainly get anxious when someone gets angry at us. When we feel put down, we may become aggressive to boost our ego. When we become stressed, our self-control weakens; we are at risk of acting on impulse, neglecting commitments, or becoming irritated.

Yet, anger can be a great motivator that helps us get over our fears. To do right we often need a strong determined intolerance of injustice and to be most effective we may need to keep our stress under control (see Chapter 5). Both anxiety and depression are stressful and interfere with self-control (Oaten & Cheng, 2005).

Acting out of anger may also bring on guilt or shame as well as anxiety, so the emotions get complex and confused. Chapters 5, 6 and 7 should help you deal with these major emotions but these intermeshed feelings are exerting pressures in different directions on your values and your behavior. You may need to read parts of several chapters. To complicate matters even more, keep in mind that therapists often believe that one emotion may be used (unconsciously sometimes) to conceal another feeling.

For example, a person may start a fight with a parent, spouse, or friend to change the topic, to get attention, or to avoid expressing positive feelings or closeness. Another example: it has been my experience that when many women look depressed and cry, they are often (about 75% of the time) feeling anger under their sadness. Does that seem likely to you?

It is well supported by careful research that stress, depression, and anger are bad for your physical health, especially your heart. Gradually even medicine is recognizing this and, since depression fairly often doesn’t respond to antidepressants, it is becoming more common for medical researchers to recommend trying psychotherapy if antidepressants do not work within a couple of months…and the reverse…if psychotherapy doesn’t reduce depression, then switch to medication for a while (Medical Staff, Stanford University School of Medicine, in Archives of General Psychiatry,2005, 62, 513-520). Famous theories also suggest that there are strong connections between depression (Chapter 6) and anger (Chapter 7).

The things we do while angry are a prime source of guilt and shame (see next section). Anger turned inward on the self is a classical dynamic that is supposed to cause depression. Some psychologists, e.g. Dr. Tony Schirtzinger (Self-Therapy at http://www.helpyourselftherapy.com/), say “depressed people are angry people who won’t admit it.” These therapists recommend reducing depression by teaching patients to assertively express their frustration and anger. By getting their angry feelings out into the open and by assertively getting more of the things they want in life, their depression declines.

Other therapists see a different connection, believing that the pain of having depression causes the anger to build. My point here is that there are many connections among emotions and with behavior. You may need to learn about these connections in order to understand and control your anger."