[scotlandskye]

Why did I just do that? Just took a handful of pills. I'm hoping it fills the void but yet I know it won't. Maybe it will help me sleep and stop my mind! Why do I do it when I know I shouldn't???

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by scotlandskye

Why did I just do that? Just took a handful of pills. I'm hoping it fills the void but yet I know it won't. Maybe it will help me sleep and stop my mind! Why do I do it when I know I shouldn't???

I can't answer the why for you; for me it's going into the darkness and feeling like I don't have a choice. Needing to escape b/c it's all too much. It's not all of you that is feeling that way - it's a part that is in control right now. If you are in therapy maybe you could discuss it. I feel that way and am working on taking steps to comfort myself so I don't do it at such an extreme, so instead of 10 pills I take 5 and try not to have it be so black and white. ]

It takes time, but asking the question is an amazing 1st step.

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

I can't answer the why for you; for me it's going into the darkness and feeling like I don't have a choice. Needing to escape b/c it's all too much. It's not all of you that is feeling that way - it's a part that is in control right now. If you are in therapy maybe you could discuss it. I feel that way and am working on taking steps to comfort myself so I don't do it at such an extreme, so instead of 10 pills I take 5 and try not to have it be so black and white. ]

It takes time, but asking the question is an amazing 1st step.

Thanks DoggyBonz....Maybe that is why I do it because it is a way to escape when it all becomes too much! I don't start therapy till next week and I don't know if I can make it that long. I was put on new meds and I know it takes time for new meds to work. Going on my second week of it and higher dosage, but the feelings are all still there. I want to cut and take pills more then ever right now. I have one person IRL that I could go to, that understands and has been through and going through the same thing. They don't have the urges to cut or anything like I do. I left a message crying that i needed someone to talk to, I left text message that I"m better off not here and out of a bottle of 500 how many would it take to OD....I guess I was wrong when I thought that they cared. Your better then I am. I tend to take more pills. If they don't do anything then I tell myself that I can take more. Just got back from the gym and instead of feeling better I feel worse. I took my meds just now and am thinking about more pills so I can sleep the day away....

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by scotlandskye

Thanks DoggyBonz....Maybe that is why I do it because it is a way to escape when it all becomes too much!

Yes, it is an escape that is what it is. That why I do it. But and this is really hard, but try to be a little more understanding with yourself. You are in a lot of pain and suffering so it's the best you can do.

I don't start therapy till next week and I don't know if I can make it that long. I was put on new meds and I know it takes time for new meds to work. Going on my second week of it and higher dosage, but the feelings are all still there. I want to cut and take pills more then ever right now.

Sounds, terrible, I am so sorry that you are going through this much pain right now. I have been there and know there is a possibility that I'll be back in that place. It's scary and very lonely. Hopefully the meds will help and then with therapy you'll start having some tools to help.

I have one person IRL that I could go to, that understands and has been through and going through the same thing. They don't have the urges to cut or anything like I do. I left a message crying that i needed someone to talk to, I left text message that I"m better off not here and out of a bottle of 500 how many would it take to OD....I guess I was wrong when I thought that they cared.

Been there to. Have felt the same way ~ or similiar. It's terrifying beyond belief. Truthfully given the pills I did take ~ would sleep through 2-3 days, I'm amazed that I am alive and didn't OD. If you are really that scared and feeling that desperate you can go to the ER. They will probably lock you up for I think a 72 hour hold not including weekends but it's an option.

Your better then I am. I tend to take more pills. If they don't do anything then I tell myself that I can take more. Just got back from the gym and instead of feeling better I feel worse. I took my meds just now and am thinking about more pills so I can sleep the day away....

Good for you on going to the gym!

I'm not "better" than you. I have been working hard in therapy and it has not been easy. THIS IS HARD STUFF! I don't know where it's going and I'm not having fun. But...given that I have not OD'd and the chances are that I'm going to stay alive I guess I need to figure out how to live. Here is maybe the most important thing that I am learning - it's a journey not a destination. Sounds pretty corny but it's helping me. You have taken some incredible steps, getting medication, finding a therapist to see and being willing to be open and post. That is HUGE and takes ALOT of courage and whether you know it or not you have helped me a great deal just by being able to share with you what I am learning. Thanks! So when I need to be reminded and am in that dark place I'll pm you and you can help me out.

[phoenix7]

hang in there - its hard when you're waiting for the meds to kick in - been there done that - it sucks - but they will kick in - and you can do this - read the threads at the top of the page - try and keep busy - take care of you and be kind to you and be safe - things will get better - get through it second by second if necessary - take care

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

hang in there - its hard when you're waiting for the meds to kick in - been there done that - it sucks - but they will kick in - and you can do this - read the threads at the top of the page - try and keep busy - take care of you and be kind to you and be safe - things will get better - get through it second by second if necessary - take care

Thanks Phoenix!! It is really hard becaUse I just started week two on the meds and it doesn't seem to make a difference. Only time is when I'm at work I can tolerate home I can not. It seems like I have more SI thoughts since I started taking the new meds then I had before. I don't know if that is because I haven't started seeing my T yet or not?

Had another bad night last night it is like I can't stop....I know that I am only hurting myself in the long run but can't seem to stop.

[Miracle1986]

(((((scotslandskye)))))

[phoenix7]

you sound like me when I changed from one anti d to another - it took 3 weeks to kick in and i did a lot of SI during that time - the good news was that after the 3 weeks the meds kicked in and the urges got less -

hang in there - sitting with you till you feel better - spreading my phoenix wings to keep you safe - please try not to hurt yourself ok

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

you sound like me when I changed from one anti d to another - it took 3 weeks to kick in and i did a lot of SI during that time - the good news was that after the 3 weeks the meds kicked in and the urges got less -

hang in there - sitting with you till you feel better - spreading my phoenix wings to keep you safe - please try not to hurt yourself ok

Thanks Phoenix......Well 3 weeks I can probably stand. That will be tuesday!!! I have never SI this much before. I don't think all this pill taking is doing me any good. Making me feel worse. Feel sick, tired, stomach pains. I just want to sleep. I don't know when I have been this tired for allll long!!!

[phoenix7]

yep I felt worse and asked my pdoc if I could stop but he said han in there it should start working soon adn just do the best you can - I am on cymbalta and it made me feel sick at first - I take it before bed so most of the side effects happen overnight - tkae care P7

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

yep I felt worse and asked my pdoc if I could stop but he said han in there it should start working soon adn just do the best you can - I am on cymbalta and it made me feel sick at first - I take it before bed so most of the side effects happen overnight - tkae care P7

That is what my pdoc put me on also. Did one dosage for 1 week and then up it this past tues. Then go see him again on Tues and see what he says. I'm afriad he will up it again

[phoenix7]

you have to get to the doasge that works for you - I hope your pdoc can sort it out for you - it has helped me a lot - its the 3rd one ive tried - i guess it depends on what works for you though - take care P7 - let us know how you go ok.

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

you have to get to the doasge that works for you - I hope your pdoc can sort it out for you - it has helped me a lot - its the 3rd one ive tried - i guess it depends on what works for you though - take care P7 - let us know how you go ok.

Thanks Phoenix!! This is my 3rd med in years as well. Was on celexa, but that stop doing anything for me!! So once I started going back to a Pdoc he put me on this. I'm hoping it just that it takes a while to get use to. Having a bad day today. At work...Realized I made a BIG mistake that no one is going ot be happy with and now all I want to do is go home and do SI...Feel like a failure and that I can't do anything right and that maybe this is how I'm meant to be!

[phoenix7]

you know what? that big mistake in the grand scheme of life the universe and everything is actually very small - and can prob be fixed

I was on Zoloft then avanza and now the same as you. (thanks to the pdoc I have now - my dr put me on the oterh two to try and they didnt work for me one made me agitated and the otehr made me sleepy)

I had SU urges before I was put on the cymbalta and they are mostly gone now - so it helped me a lot - take care P7

[scotlandskye]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

you know what? that big mistake in the grand scheme of life the universe and everything is actually very small - and can prob be fixed

I was on Zoloft then avanza and now the same as you. (thanks to the pdoc I have now - my dr put me on the oterh two to try and they didnt work for me one made me agitated and the otehr made me sleepy)

I had SU urges before I was put on the cymbalta and they are mostly gone now - so it helped me a lot - take care P7

Thanks Phoenix!! Yeah in the grand scheme of things it is fairly small, but to my company it won't be. ALthough it was an honest mistake, I know that Monday the lashings or words will come. It just makes me feel like a failure and that I cna't do anything right. I don't usually make mistakes like that. Then had to deal with my mom on top of it. I know she means well. It was all to easy for me to reach for a razor and cut. Usually do pills but went for the razor. I just want it to stop. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of the scares. I know if I"m tired of them then stop! If it were only that easy.

[phoenix7]

its not that easy unfortunately - its damned hard and frustrating and painful whether you hurt yourself or not..sigh...

you do the best you can - you are triggered at the moment - I hope things go ok for you tomorrow - I have a meeting with my manager too - so lets hope we both get through it ok lol I used to say to people i worked with when they got stressed - can they shoot you for it? and they would say no and I would say well then I guess we're going to be ok

please try not to hurt yourself ok - I know its hard - been there done that - I hope the meds kick in soon - if not then go back and see your pdoc ok

take care of you

[paddym22]

Like P7 says hang in there. It happened to me too it took a few weeks for the meds to kick in and then the urge lessened. I think you are doing great to get therapy and starting it next week, well done. And going to the gym as well is also impressive. Good luck with everything and hang in there, it will get better and you will too.

[scotlandskye]

Phoenix.....Yeah it is damn hard and very frustrating!!

I hope things with you and your Manager go ok tomorrow...Let me know how it goes!

I will do my best not to hurt myself but again another bad freakin day...Why do people have to be so mean, hurtful and down right rude? Who gives anyone the right to tell someone "your not going anywhere anyway what difference does it make and your ruin anything you touch or come involved in and that you will be alone for the rest of your life?"

WHAT THE F*&$!!!!! Who tells someone that?? Even if it may true do you have to tell me to my face??

If I didn't want to SI before I do now!!! Just when there was a glimer of hope that it might be a better day not great but better!!

paddym22....thanks....I don't feel like I'm doing great...I know little steps are good, but all that was shot down today. After today I don't want to go to therapy. This person is right so why wast the time and or money if it isn't going to matter in the long run? I use to like going to the gym ( won't say love cause I don't.) I was starting to get my life back on track. Lost a bunch of weight, started the gym with a trainer, starting to feel good...then BAM I get smacked down with depression. It had been creeping up but was able to keep it at bay, then something happened and back full force and I can't shake it.

Right now as I sit here typing this...beer off to the left...I want to get up and grab a razor that is on the table that I'm trying not to look at and grab my many bottle of pills and raid what is in the medicine cabinet. Dont have anything else to do, and this person is right. I ruin everything I touch or encounter and I will be alone for the r4est of my life.

I just don't know how much more I can take....I'm emotionally drained and don't have much of a fight left in me.

[phoenix7]

ok - this pperson who's telling you this rubbish has their own agenda some people dont want us to get better to feel better because it threatens them - maybe this is the case with this person - DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!!!! they are wrong!

If its an internal voice, then tell it thankyou for trying to protect me - but there is a better way to do this - I am doing well and T is helping me and I can do this and we can work together on this ok

You were right when you said WTF type of person says this to you - remember that - if its internal voices they are trying to protect you in the wrong way - if its external voices they are being harsh and cruel and reflecting their issues onto you.

YOU CAN DO THIS !!!!!!! sitting with you, turning up my phoenix fire to singe the idiot that said that to you if they come close! or to light the way for the inner voice to see it was wrong.

please please please take care of you ok - YOU CAN DO THIS !

[scotlandskye]

Thanks phoenix! I could use someone to sit with. Really struggling right now & can't get that persons words out of my head.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

ok - this pperson who's telling you this rubbish has their own agenda some people dont want us to get better to feel better because it threatens them - maybe this is the case with this person - DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!!!! they are wrong!

If its an internal voice, then tell it thankyou for trying to protect me - but there is a better way to do this - I am doing well and T is helping me and I can do this and we can work together on this ok

You were right when you said WTF type of person says this to you - remember that - if its internal voices they are trying to protect you in the wrong way - if its external voices they are being harsh and cruel and reflecting their issues onto you.

YOU CAN DO THIS !!!!!!! sitting with you, turning up my phoenix fire to singe the idiot that said that to you if they come close! or to light the way for the inner voice to see it was wrong.

please please please take care of you ok - YOU CAN DO THIS !

[phoenix7]

sing, dispute what they say - read a book - tell them to SHUT UP !!!!!!!!
take care of you my friend

[scotlandskye]

Thanks Phoenix! Sorry for the delayed response, but trying to get myself together the last few days. Met with my pdoc today and he is keeping me at my same dosage of cymbalta for a month. I'm going to have to take it a night. It is knocking me out. I was hoping that would subside.

[phoenix7]

never worry about when you reply - life happens ok - I take my cymbalta at night too - hope you get some relief soon P7