[dayzee9]

Hello folks.......... I'm a "stranger" in this forum; but I am compelled to "come clean"

I spent many years; from age 8 to & past "young adulthood" & even into my early 30's disfiguring my entire left forearm w/ cigarette burns....and cutting on top of burns on top of old burns.....and the cutting!

I always went to a cemetary, where they had a water spiget;
First, it was to just "draw blood" just to make sure I was human (ie: my blood was red) I have lived w/ all these scars, even thru nursing school where you practice things like just taking a radial pulse on each other; you had to wear your "uniform" which was a bummer b/c it was a teal color that made you stick out like a sore thumb and it was short-sleeved........on top of that it revealed my pale skin.......w/ all the prior scars....I could always look into their eyes (my fellow nursing students)when they were looking at my arm & not saying anything!

I haven't SI for years, but just recently my hubby decided to take on leather crafting for a hobby; he went "postal" w/ his checkbook buying his supplies.....then, he came home w/ the huge selection of "blades"

I felt that "voice" in my head that I haven't heard for years....."CUT!!!" I jusr stared at those blades & it was like getting smashed over the head........can anybody relate?

I thought I was "past that phase" but w/ being extremely agoraphobic lately & hubby being gone all day..it really hard NOT to think about just "testing" how sharp those blades are........on me!

Man, I don't want to "give in" to those rituals again.....
I'm scared.....for the first time in over 10 years.....the blades are calling me........

DAYZEE9

[Kathyanita]

i know the shame and compelling trance state- trying to feel. long ago i had the words i hate you on my flesh. couldnt stand that it was readable so over some time i used sand paper to obliterate the words and left just a big white scar too explain away easier to anyone who would ask. say it was a burn from scalding accidentally.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((dayzee))))))))))))

I'm glad that you can talk to us about it. It's not fun when those feelings come back again. You have done well for a long time - I hope that you can stay safe now, but I certainly understand it being hard with all the new tools around.

Could you talk to hubby about your past and current feelings, and ask him to help you keep safe?

(((((((((((dayzee))))))))))

[HALLIEBETH87]

be careful dear

[SilkySpeed7]

Sending out warm thoughts.........dont give in.....be strong...YOU CAN DO IT!

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{dayzee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It took a lot of courage and strength to come forward with your news........give your self credit for that......your doing great......admitting it is the first step.....I was good at poking the finger at my daughter for SIing but did not want to point it back at myself or even think about me....so I totally understand where your coming from....
take care and be careful much love
{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[dayzee9]

(((((((((((((((Thanks everyone!!)))))))))))))))))

Your support means literally btwn life & death............the feelings are not going away, though.......I'm scared

Talked to my T about it today & he said the way I described the whole experience was like poetry.....gave me a writing assignment to just write as I took each step.........it IS like poetry......doesn't that make me somehow :deranged?

Scared.......... DAYZEE9

[dayzee9]

I kinda feel stupid.........replying to my own post, but things are getting desperate for me. D/t recent "head-banging" I went to the neurologist yesterday to get the results of my head MRI/MRA. He says massive swelling of the right temporal
lobe.......he's putting me on more meds (the last things I need is more meds.........the more I have, the more likely I am to self-injury of whatever deranged choice.

I am sorry I hope no one takes the word "deranged" personally; it is a word I apply to myself....It reminds me of being sober for 5 years (never thought it was possible to fall off the wagon after THAT long! This is how I feel about this cutting/self-injury issue Now w/ meds PLUS booze PLUS finding bruises all over my body in the morning & not remembering.........I KNOW where those blades are & I SWEAR, they keep calling my name, even as I post. My self-esteem is fading fast, my normally, strong resistance is crumbling..............

DAYZEE (Laura)

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{Laura}}}}}}}}}}}

You sound pretty scared and also miserable. I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. Is there something going on in your life besides your husband's hobby that is also affecting these feelings? Or is it possible that you dislike his choice of hobby or are upset with him about something else? If he knows that this is something that you have struggled with in the past, then bringing home blades like that could be considered pretty insensitive, don't you think?

Who do you have for real life support? Can you count on hubby, or other family members, friends, T, doctors, or somebody to help you to be safe? Is there somebody you could ask to help you to be safe?

You sound really down on yourself right now, but I want to tell you that you don't deserve to be treated as badly as you are treating yourself.

[HALLIEBETH87]

please be safe-we luv u

[dayzee9]

I really wish that I had someone I could confide in --- that's what brought me to this forum....I am alone here I quit the self-injury before I became a psych nurse; now everyone expects me to be so strong b/c "HEY, you're a Psych nurse now, you can handle anything!!!!"

I did bring up my recent thoughts to my T & he was going to implement some EMDR; but he listened to me close my eyes & go back to when I used to cut....I did, & when I opened my eyes he was sitting there shaking his head & saying that EMDR wouldn't work b/c he said that when I talked in great detail w/ my eyes closed, he said it sounded like poetry.
"Pristine" was the word he use. He send me home & told me to go back in my mind & write it out,so I did...I was writing so fast bewteen laundry loads that I cranked out 4 pages. Slammed it shut & said "I'll read it later"

I did,,,,,,,it scared the HELL out of me!!! It was beautiful! It sounded like a wonderful thing!!!!

Addt'l added problems; my ED has kicked back in.....and I started drinking again after 5 years of sobriety...I am very disgusted & ashamed of myself

ANY advice??????pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze! DAYZEE9

[catgirl]

I wish I did have some advice. All I can offer is empathy at this moment because my mind is not in an objective state. You're not alone. I relate to most of what you've said...the drinking, cutting, burning, ed, feelings of self shame and disgust. I want to escape my mind too. I'm also new to the forum and really hope others can offer some help. Oh, what is EMDR? I also see a psychologist but he's not mentioned this term. I've struggled with anorexia and always battle various forms of ed. How has your ed kicked in? (of course, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. it's just sometimes just talking helps.) Hang in there.

[dalila]

<font color="green">Dayzee,
It is common to find that your issues become worse when you start to trust your therapist and work on your life. I was pretty mild in general for si until I felt safe with my therapist -- it is as if I said to self, now I have a safety net so I can let go and explore how bad this thing is. In a way it was another mistake but I think it is pretty common. I know for me, I have to do things just a little worse before I can give them up. I hope you can keep writing and not start cutting. </font>