[WePow]

urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I REALY want to punch myself right now or slap myself around a bit!!!
I can't believe it... I trusted T and put all my trust into one basket and handed it over like a big idiot.... He don't know how much this got to me and now I will never ever tell him....

I am in shock with how I allowed myself to open up and trust when I knew I should never do that. What is wrong with me??? What level of punishment do I need to make it so I will not be that STUPID!!!!!

[Mike_J]

Turst is always a risk, sometimes it hurts, but it's a risk that you need to take if therapy is really going to work like it should. I'm sorry your therapist wasn't worthy of your trust, but it's not your fault. You don't need to be punished, what you need to do is move forward, and be willing to trust again.

[puzzclar]

Frist and formost, it sounds like you have a lot of issues to work out, but for some they can't work on it with other people. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but is there something from your coping box that will help?? Take for example if you fell like punishment then go for a run, and run has hard as you can!! That is the best thing to do, and then you accomplish a few things at the same time. You can punish yourself and then get some positive endorphines, to help afterwords.

Second, you are not stupid, these things happen. I have do what you have done but not with qualified people, it has hurt me but, at the same time it doesn't matter. What is done, is done, and there's no going back to fix the problem. So leave that stress in the past, and just move on. Go for a run!!

Third, and this is the most important, realize that posting here was the best thing for you. And that just admiting what you did is one of the best things for you. But to anwer your question there is nothing wrong with you. Some of us put our trust in T and through everything at them, but they hear things like that all the time, do not worry about what was said, just fix them. And if you dont want to fix them, then keep doing what you are doing, Fixing things takes change.

I hope this helped.

[everyrose]

Trust is something someone gains from you and you are suppose to trust in life .. And if you dont how will you learn.? Broken trust isnt easy to handle but, you cant blame yourself for someone elses mistake. Just dont let that person have your trust again unless you feel they've gained it back.. Hurting yourself for someone isnt the right thing to do.
good luck ..
be happy,
Everyrose.

[Sannah]

WePow, maybe this is a misunderstanding between you and T? Can you call him and talk to him about this. You and your T have worked through so many misunderstandings and you learned so much each time. Please let us know what happens?

[WePow]

Thank you much guys. I did not do self harm - it did help just posting here. I know it is not anything wrong T did. It is my junk and stuff that gets in my way most of the time. I just have to know my limits and not push them. So this AM I woke up and once again have that safe emotional distance from T and the world around me.. my buffer space. I guess that is just what I need to do to stay safe. It is sad for me to realize this, but the pain of actual trust is too much for me. Thank you again.

[Sannah]

This is another issue to work through WePow and eventually, in your own time, you will work through it. Good Work not SIing!

[granite1]

weepow i know trust is so hard and fragile most of the time .you are not stupid at all for wanting to trust and its a big risk i think it is hugely brave and wonderfull when you have it.tyr not to take that awayfrom yourself its lonley

[WePow]

(((( Granite ))))) my question is how in the world to trust when it ends like this....

[Sannah]

Who said this was the end of this?

[WePow]

IDK - all I know is that hurt far too much - I can't deal with it... I am not strong enough

[googley]

((((WePow))))

You are strong enough. You are so strong. You have gotten through so much stuff with your T. Contact him. He is there for you. The two of you have been doing so much hard work lately. Please take care of yourself.

[Sannah]

It is so difficult when you don't take the issue to resolution. Please continue to resolve this with your T. Resolution brings relief. Don't forget that the pain comes from dysfunctional beliefs that we acquired from our dysfunctional families and that talking to T helps us to work past this dysfunction to health, resolution and an end to the pain. If you stop and don't continue you don't work to the resolution.

[WePow]

I can never again contact T outside session time... my new rule for life.
So I will have to wait until Wed.
It is ok though because I learned the lesson. It will just be solidified by Wed.
Thank you though for the input.

[googley]

WePow-

This new rule of yours makes me really sad. It makes me sad that you wont reach out to T when you need his help. Can you talk to him on Wednesday about your new rule you feel you need before you make it for life? For life is a really long time. I know there have been times recently when you haven't been able to get a hold of him when you needed to. But I hope that doesn't mean you are going to never contact him outside of session. I think he would be sad too if he knew that this was how you were feeling. I'm sure he would want to talk to you about it.

[WePow]

(((( googley ))))) thank you. Actually, he has said things about me getting what I need from myself. So I think he would just be happy that I have the new rule. He thinks it is making me mature on the inside I suppose. But that is what I had to do my whole life anyway. So right now I just see it as another affirmation that others outside me just want me to be independent. My mom was like that... she thought she was doing what was best for me by forcing me to emotionally handle things on my own. So I guess that is what he is doing too. I see them as being the authority so whatever they do and how they do it must be the right way. And since it is coming from different directions and different people throughout my life, I take it as something I just need to learn.

[googley]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((( googley ))))) thank you. Actually, he has said things about me getting what I need from myself. So I think he would just be happy that I have the new rule. He thinks it is making me mature on the inside I suppose. But that is what I had to do my whole life anyway. So right now I just see it as another affirmation that others outside me just want me to be independent. My mom was like that... she thought she was doing what was best for me by forcing me to emotionally handle things on my own. So I guess that is what he is doing too. I see them as being the authority so whatever they do and how they do it must be the right way. And since it is coming from different directions and different people throughout my life, I take it as something I just need to learn.

WePow-
You can be independent and also know when you have to ask for help from others. Being independent doesn't mean that you never need help. Learning to take care of yourself is about knowing when you can do it on your own and when to ask for help. I find that having hard and fast rules about not asking for help is actually detrimental to me being able to take care of myself. I end up letting myself slide down into such a funk that other people notice and force their help on me (ending up in help in ways I don't want). This ends up with me in so much more pain before getting help. So please don't turn your back on help. Supporting yourself is good. But not to the point where you can't get any help. Please talk to your T before you finalize this decision.

[WePow]

((( googley ))) thank you. Things are just so hard right now with all this.

[Sannah]

I'm sure that you will discuss this on Wednesday and it will be really helpful. Please keep us updated?

[WePow]

Googley, your words helped me out so much yesterday. thank you soooo much!
I ended up being too triggered from the folks last night and all that stuff... and I was forced to write T again. I even told him I promised I would never write him again because I felt too needy. He told me I didn't sound needy at all and we would process more of it. I was floored by his gentle response. And I am so glad you and others helped me get the nerve to trust once again. Thank you is not enough.

((( Sannah ))))

[eskielover]

Googly said it very well.

I have always been an independent person. My mother wasn't very independent & I didn't want to be like her. Sometimes I was so independent that I pushed people away from me who could have really helped me. Maybe being an only child was the root of that? The thing was that I learned with years how important it is to be able to trust those around you & to allow them to help you through things. That was exactly the area that my marriage failed in. My husband wasn't good at much of anything & when he had to step up to be trusted & to be independent himself, he fell flat on his face & failed miserably. I kept trying to trust him & he would continually fail. Felt like I lived 33 years of running into a block wall. There is so much we need to learn as we are growing up.....what we are able to do ourselves, how independent we can be & how to identify where we need help & then who we can trust to help us. Growing up is difficult enough when we don't have problems or abuse surrounding us, when we have road blocks, it seems that those are just things that takes us longer to learn. Life is a learning process & we have to continually keep growing & realizing new things about ourselves & our lives, & then working on them with the people around us.

I think it's important to talk about this independence/trust issue with your T. It might be good to get his point of view in the situation. I have realized that our T/psychologists never see things in the way we do (shocking sometimes actually). It's always good to try to see the other point of view as it's something we also can learn from....helping us grow.

I have to say, when you posted about slapping yourself, this picture came to my mind of when I was at the ranch in California working with my horses a few years ago. This little girl (about 3 years old) who was the niece of one of the ladies who's daughter rode at the ranch, was walking along by the stalls, slapping herself in the face. First thought that came to my mind was what kind of abuse was she going through at home???? Sure enough, the aunt told me that the mother would slap the little girl for something she didn't even do & then try to make up for it by hugging her a little while later. Realizing this was the start of SI type behavior, I couldn't sit back & say nothing.....luckily, the aunt was getting help for her at that point along with trying to keep the mother away from her (not an easy task). Was very sad to see that happening.

It's important in the way of independence to also stand up for what we know is right around us & to say things when we see a problem. There is so much we need to learn as children growing up, it's surprising that any of us survive childhood without being burried under our problems. Live is complicated & it's important not to feel bad when we aren't strong in areas. All we can to is keep earning & growing & asking for help were we need it.

You have been a surviver to get this far with the issues you have had to deal with. If we can keep looking at life as a growing process as we were able to as a chld, it helps make life a little easier at times.

I know you can get through this & still keep your trust. I am sure your T had a reason for allowing what happened to happen. Sometimes when we are knocking walls down or going over hurdles, they are difficult & we struggle a lot.....but when we finally get through it, we can look back & see exactly why the thing had to happen the way they did or there might not be the progress that you really need to have happen.

Many gentle hugs & best wishes for your peace of mind

[WePow]

((((((( eskielover ))))))) Thank you tons for sharing this with me. Wow. I thought I was the only one who slapped herself or punched herself. Well, I knew I wasn't but you know how you think you are sometimes. And I am so glad you worked to help that little girl. Wow. I remember starting that when I was about 6 or so... I would be abused on the way walking home from school and two teen bullie boys would sometimes catch me and you can guess from there what I endured. I remember telling my teacher I was afraid of walking home on some days when I could see them lurking around and waiting for me. But my teacher told me I was making up stories and that little girls who make up stories like that should be slapped. Odd... I never rememberd that part until you said what you did about that little girl. I knew they didn't believe me but that part was missing. Anyway, I remember after finally making it home that I would be literally in shock and would slap myself telling myself to "snap out of it" ... in fact, as I am typing this, I have an odd deep memory of that actually happening to me from that teacher who called me a liar when I was crying about it. I was in 1st or 2nd grade. uggg. I remember thinking that if I slapped myself hard enough that it would mean that what just happened to me wasn't real.

Later on, I could not stand anyone touching me in the face. It just sets off the high trigger for me. But if I get too upset with myself about things, that is the first form of self harm I will turn too. In fact, I did it so much as a coping thing that I honestly didn't even consider it to be self harm until I read about it here on PC.

I try very hard now to not do any of that. But wow. Your post is helping me see what the root of that may have been. Thank you!

[googley]

(((((WePow))))

I'm glad you were able to ask for the help you needed and your T was able to provide help. Good job at taking care of yourself.

[Sannah]

I hope you see WePow how we can back ourselves into a corner and believe that we don't have any options anymore. We always have options and there are no corners.

[eskielover]

(((((WePow))))),

I am so glad that what I posted has helped in some ways. I am always hesitant to post some things for fear of it being a negative trigger rather than a positive help....but glad that what I pointed out about the little girl slapping herself has been of some help in digging into the root of past behavior.

It is interesting how there are things that take us back & help put the pieces together. I am so sorry that you were treated that way. I can't imagine any teacher not believing what you said. I always believe first & only change to not believing if I find proof not to. I always wonder if the people really knew what harm they were really doing if they would have really done what they did?

I do hope that you will be able to work through all of this & be able to put all the pieces in their proper place & perspective.

Many gentle & a lot of warm love to you.....& prayers as you work through these very difficult memories & understandings of the past.