Don't hurt me....Please stop!!! ***TRIGGER***strong images

IN my mind, in my dreams, you are here. The thoughts, memories, torture of madness.

I heard the door open and knew my father was home. I was dreading the moment he came home for I knew what was to come. I had covered my bed in all of my teddies, even at the age of 14, in hopes that they would protect me. As I lay silently in my bed with my guardes all around, I heard him yelling, banging up the stairs as it felt like an earthquake with his anger. I knew my mom told him that the school decided to hold me back a year as my recent suicide attempt and depression put my grades too far behind. Fear washed over me and I wished that I was successful with my attempt to leave the sadness I felt so close to my broken heart.

I heard him come closer and my body froze in fear. What was he going to do this time? Was he going to kill me?? My door flew open, leaving a reminder in my wall that his anger had exploded once again. My precious guardians could do no good as he grabbed me by the hair and ripped me out of my safe haven. Through the hallway, screaming, "please dad, I beg you to stop, you're hurting me." The racing thoughts went rushing and all I could hear was cursing and pure anger as he drug me down the stairs. I could feel the bruises starting to form. Through our kitchen, to the dinner table where he shoved me head first into the wall. He screamed at me to get my school work out, but I was so frantic to see straight, I could not move.

Bang, a kick to the side.......a blood curdling scream to get the hell up. So I did, slowly, but I did. Shaking uncontrollably, I gathered my books. For every answer I got wrong I was blessed with a cuff across my face. But soon he realized that my face was swelling, so my head was now the target of insanity. Hours passed when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Totally drained from torment, from fear of answering his questions wrong.....he let me go back to my place of darkness, in my bed, my sanctuary.

Why did I not die when I wanted to. Why could I have not suceeded with my attempt? Now the memories and the tears pouring......I HATE YOU FOR THIS!!!! I can't sleep and no wonder why I can't eat. Cause I hate me for not suceeding the first time. Cause I hate me for my failures. Let me die from despair, I can't remember anymore, I don't want to remember anymore............

(((((Justy)))))

There are no words. I am so sorry you were hurt. It's not fair. I'm angry that anyone could hurt an innocent child.

You're in my thoughts. Be safe and take care.

(((((Justy)))) - you're in my thoughts and as painful as your account of this horror is, i am nonetheless, blown away by your ability to express yourself. thank you for sharing . much love to you.

(((((((((((((( justy )))))))))))))))) a safe and kind embrace.

kd

((((((((((((justy)))))))))))))

I hope you are in a more protective environment now, an dthat someone helps you with these memories. I cannot willingly believe parents cruelty to children sometimes... I can understand a moment of snap where you do something you never thought you would do, but I cannot understand how someone can consistently be that cruel to their offspring, there are no excuses for it.

I wish you had had a dad like mine, the most precious person I have ever know.

CC

Hey everyone, thanks very much for the replies.

I obviously had a rough night. Actually, this childhood stuff has been grasping my mind lately. All I could see last night was him, grabbing me so violently out of my bed. But I am trying to take my t's advice. Instead of trying to shove these memories away, I am allowing to feel them. I felt my sadness, anger, confusion, and asked so many questions that there really is no answer to. But I allowed myself to feel, to rid my mind of just one simple memory. So many more fill my mind and I am afraid.

I called my t last night and left a message. He just called me back. I did not have an appointment until Friday but he is going to see me tomorrow. What do I do anymore. I can't do this at home anymore. I admit that I need more intense therapy, and God I need it now. I am so close to the edge, its not funny. Tears are always welled up, all I want to do is cry. But what do I do with my kids? I have thought about every option to child care but I don't have enough outlets to find someone who could care for them while I am gone. But geez, I am so sick. I feel so guilty for being this ill but I am going to die if I keep going this way. How long can I do this for?

I am going to call my old t today. Maybe she has some ideas. Maybe even partial hospitalization. I am desperate, I feel like I get some serious help now or I wither away. I hate this hurt..feels like this grip is getting so strong and powerful that I am not sure if I can struggle out of it anymore. It is getting to tight and I am choking. I wish for someone to hold me, right now, just hold me and never let me go.........

Justy

((((((((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((Sweet Justy))))))))))))

My heart breaks for you again...

Well I did not call my old t nor did I go for my blood work. I had to lay down, could not keep my eyes open any longer.

It was not a peaceful sleep but still some rest must be good--right?? Tears are forming constantly and I hate myself more and more for this. How can I be so spinlessly cowardly and pathetic. Why can't I just let this go? Why can't I be strong and forget?

My stomach hurts so badly. Feels like its in knots as I can't think clearly. Turmoil and confusion take over this child-like adult. And I just remember......it won't leave my mind. I keep thinking about the past, remembering so many times I fantasized about grabbing the closest knife and shoving through my throat. (I am so sorry for the descriptions). During these "temper tantrums" that my father had, this is what I thought about to get by until he was done with his anger. I still held this dream when my husband whipped me across the legs with hard plastic, or threw my posessions that I held dear clear across the room smacking me as I many times felt the blood trickle down my face............and I still imagined the knife.............

So what is with all of this? What and why am I going insane with all of this at once? It seems like it has all hit me, all of these memories at once......aaaaaaahhhhhhh, turn my fricking head off!!! I just don't get it.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic display here. I am sorry for this suck attack....I just need to get over it. It is over and that is that.

Justy

Oh so sorry to hear all this has happened to you.

Could a Women's Abuse Shelter have resources available that can help you? They deal only with the immediate need of women, but in the end they have resources available to help the women once they leave the shelters. Maybe there are support groups and group therapys that also can help you, so that you don't have to go into a hospital to cope.

Let them know what is happening to you. Ask them how they can help you. I am sure they will find ways.

So worried about you staying there with no outside help.
Family members are not good sources to turn to in these situations. It is so much better to confide outside them.

Keep safe, and look forward to a new life as years come and go fast. You will find happiness. Please try to look forward to this. It will happen.

Good luck.

Colors

don't be sorry we care and want to hear everything. we luv u

Justy, I am so sorry that you were hurt like that. It is overflowing because it needs to be dealt with and guilt is a bad word so leave that behind. You are going to manage and you are going to live. My spiritual belief for the day is: "%#@&#! Happens" In all seriousness, it's the only sense I can make in a world where there is such pain and suffering. It just happens. Look at the tsunami victims. Were they somehow bad and therefore deserved to die? No, we know better. You are a wonderful compassionate woman and I wish for your success every day.

I pray for those families and lost loved ones whom became victims in this horrid event. And absolutely was not their faults. My kids have been talking about this so much lately. We had a long discussion about it tonight as their school is raising money to send. Heart wrenching is what comes to mind for all of those unfortunte people.

Guilt is a bad and ugly word. I struggle the most with this one without a doubt. I do feel guilty for being ill as my kids deserve a better life. As much as I try to be a mom to them, they see whats going on. They know I am sick.

And guilt......listen to what my son said tonight:

We were laying upstairs talking about the tsunami when my son layed on my side, right near my hip. He jumped up and said "ouch mom". I looked at him and said "ouch" back. He said, "Are you going to go to the doctors to get those bones fixed, and the other ones too?" As I was trying not to cry I forced myself to giggle. I told him I just at little too much weight in certain spots so my bones stick out there. Now I feel just awful. I hurt him with my bones for crying out loud. So they do see don't they. How smart kids really are....they feel it too and feel sadness as they don't understand. I am horrible.

I have parts of my body where I lost so much weight its extremely gross then other parts look normal. My doctor wanted to know my weight yesterday and I just could not speak. I was afraid to tell him. He guessed way below what I am (maybe in fear of upsetting me). Not sure but when I look at myself I am not proud of what I have done to my body. Bones sticking out where they should not and extra fat where it should not be (if that makes sense). I am not far from being underweight. My doctor warned me if I get past that point he will have no choice to step in further. God, if it were so easy to stop this madness. I am so afraid to let go of this as the underlying pain is hard enough to deal with. Without some control or focus I am scared that I will kill myself in another form. But this is doing the same thing yet it seems unreal at times as I am still alive. Yet causing so much pain for others. I deserve the pain, they don't. Arrrrgggg. Damn it, I want to shut this off.


Justy

You do not deserve the pain.

I know I don't. Like you said ww--guilt is a bad word..just need to let it go....

Have tons of emotions happening today. Maybe seeing my t set it off some. He did help in some ways. I was so embarrassed as I had a panick attack. But he talked me through and got my breathing under control. I wanted to run out of there but did not. Normally, I would have. I made myself stay and work through it for once. But after, I wanted to cry an ocean and sail away....

I feel like crap (sry, ugly word). I am beyond sad.....its dark and stormy. I want to go, just don't know where.

Justy

(((((((((((JUSTY)))))))))))) I remember getting the board whapped across my butt a few times with a very frustrated father like yours at times . But nothing like what you went thru. Ohh hon, I am sooo sorry that you had to deal with that. The pain , the feeling of rejection from someone that is supposed to love and protect you from harm , causing you such harm. But what you are doing by dealing with your feelings is the right thing to do. Get it out there girlfriend and let yourself feel this crap. And then let him own what he did to you , none of this was your fault. I am thinking of you hon, take care ok? Keep your chin up , your gonna make it hon~

Hugz ~
Tryin

(((((((((Justy))))))))))
You don't deserve to hurt anymore.

Man is it hard to look back and read what I have written. When I write, it hurts, but to actually read it and feel it in a different way.

Thanks Tryin and Rapunzel. You are great friends.

It is like someone has turned on this switch inside of me. Things I did not remember are creeping up. Pieces to the mystery and starting to fit in. And its frightening. I remember many events but they are becoming so clear. So did I shove them so deep that I did not realize how much was inside? And so afraid of remembering, yet it makes more sense now.

Now what to do with all of this makes me sigh. It all wants to come out so desperately yet I am afraid of sharing all of it. As much as I want to keep this locked away inside of the child, I want to find what I have been searching for. For maybe there is a different kind of life than the one I am living now. So to allow these memories to come, to feel them, to get angry, to get sad: is that not part of healing? The trapped little girl inside wants out, I have to let her out before she is gone. And she does not want to die, just wants life. A life without all of this controlling her. She wants out of the cage, I want out of the cage....how?? Time?? Not sure, but the answers are beginning to form.

I want to thank others here for sharing everything they have. As hard as it can be reading the pain and suffering that you have all been through, it has helped me unlock the pain as well. Not that I want any of you to go through what you have, but you did and are able to come here and tell others. I thank you for the courage that you all display everyday of you lives and I say: GOOD JOB FOR FIGHTING, FOR BEING HERE THE WAY YOU ALL ARE. And in writing, sharing the way others do here, you help yourself get through this way, and certainly help others share this pain as well. Wow.....

Justy

((((((((((((((( Justy ))))))))))))))))
(very safe, caring, comforting hugs for you, but only if you want them)

I cannot even begin to imagine the level of pain you experienced growing up with this monster standing in the place where you should have had a caring, protective Daddy. What a horrible, unspeakable thing to have to live through day after day. My heart just completely went out to you reading about these torturous memories of such cruelty and violence.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So to allow these memories to come, to feel them, to get angry, to get sad: is that not part of healing?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes that is part of it, but it is only a part. A very critical part is where and how this is done, because what that trapped little girl needs most is to have Someone there with her who can give her, in precisely that moment of reliving those things, exactly what she needed all those years ago that she did not receive the first time she had to live through this. That is the most critical component, because that is what will transform a mere reliving of past hell into a miracle of healing in the here-and-now.

Praying you find that.

~mal

Malady, I cried when I read this. Not out of sadness, just out of appreciation for what you have said.

This is hard, what else can I say. I know many here have been through things like this and others have experience pain that only they know what this feels like as they were the ones it has happened to. But all of us here know what it feels like to suffer and feel at the end. But it is here where we try to heal these feelings and reading others stories, I too feel the sorrow being poured out.

I had blocked out so many of these memories and now that things are coming out, its frightening. But I am beginning to know pieces of my life that I wanted to find. And at times it seems like ending my life is better, its only the sadness starting to come out. Someone recently said to me, 'Justy, death is not a choice.' NO its not as there are little ones counting on me to make a good life for them. We as parents, caregivers, grandparents; we teach them, set them up for the rest of their growing and learning, experiencing what they need to as they become and develop whats inside of them. We form them for the rest of their lives and I don't want my kids to look back as I am now with the pain and years of depression. They will have struggles as everyone does. But they are strong and I want for them to keep that strength and build on it. As they show many characteristics of me, I want them to keep this but also have what makes them who they are to blossom. And I see them doing this I do feel like I have done a lot of good as a parent as much as I have cause pain as well.

I do see my kids becoming more and more of their own person's. I see them growing and learning, making mistakes on the way but they have become strong, and I know they will succeed as they show this everyday. They count on me to be here, as I will be. I don't want them to feel abandoned like I did and still do. This kind of hurt can destroy a person and no way do I want them to experience this.

Okay, done my tangent. (spelling again; lol) Realizing and doing are different things. I have started the process with many set backs, but this is growing and learning. We as adults continue to grow as well. We never stop learning, and I have always believed that. So together, we will continue to grow and become stronger everyday.

Justy

Mals a smart lady. Well said

Tears fall as I read these posts. Perhaps I am crying for the child that couldn't, maybe its for the adult who just now is feeling the pain all over again. Justy, you ARE strong, because you SURVIVED. That goes for ALL OF US.

I too, am an abuse survivor. I am no longer a victim. Of the abuse, that is. I AM a victim of my own emotions and how I react now to the past. Gosh, I talk a good game, dont I? I say things so eloquently, sound so positive and strong, and yet inside I feel like jello.

I did not allow myself to cry when I was being beaten. I would not give them the satisfaction. So I cut off my feelings, and became like that Simon and Garfunkel song, I Am A Rock. "A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." That was me. May I be so bold as to say I think that may have been most - if not all - of us back then while IT was happening. I didnt even cry afterward, alone in my room. I would not allow myself to FEEL any emotion, good / bad / indifferent. Feeling showed vulnerability and weakness. "I touch no one and no one touches me" was my anthem.

An island of loneliness, a rock of ??? (words, don't fail me now) stony silence, perhaps. And now, as we ( I ) somehow find our way off that island, many years later,
are threatened by drowning in the sea of our own tears that we finally manage to shed.

The tears finally come for the little child who was so fragile, so trusting - and had that trust shattered by someone who was suppose to love us. I have forgiven my abuser (my dad), but I will never forget the abuse. I do, however, remain very angry at my mom, who "should have" protected me. She knew it was happening, and did nothing to stop it. Perhaps she was afraid of him as well, I don't know. But she did her own share of ausing me, too. He did the physical and sexual, she did the verbal and emotional.

Although I must say that my mom and I got into fights more than once in our lives... actually, she hit, I defended - I never once hit her back. Not that I didnt want to; I knew that if I did hit back, I would probably have ended up in the hospital - or the morgue. My father would have killed me if I ever hit my mother. So I endured her attacks, just trying to defend myself and stay alive with some kind of sanity intact. Today, there is a love-hate relationship with her... I love her, but I hate what she did to me.

Having spilled my guts here in this forum, for the first time since joining psych central, I am now going to bed.

Justy, you are in my thought and prayers. The pain and anguish you are feeling now IS a integral part of the healing process. For some odd reason, we must revisit the abuse in order to get past it and move on. Just know that HE can no longer physically hurt you. And that the only way he can hurt you emotionally, is if you let him. Don't give him the power. Please take the following in the sprirt intended : STOP BEING SCARED (of the abuser), and START GETTING ANGRY (at the abuser).

Scared = victim; angry = survivor.

gives me chills

I am a Rock was my theme song for many years - I wrote it in my journal for my T many times. I, too, learned not to feel, to lock myself down. Now, I am trying to learn to let go of all of that buildup of emotion in order to save myself. It is hard work. I have made only a little progress with it. I hurt for you, for what you suffered. I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. Your words here on the forum have been beneficial to all of us. You are loved here , you are cared for here, you are special for your insights and for all your assistance with all of us. Thank you for being you.

Awwww shucks. You are welcome. If I have helped anyone in even the smallest way, !!!!

This week has not been a good one for me, pain-wise. My back has been screaming all week long, even with the meds onboard. Maybe its finally time for the pain-pump?