[Kiya]

yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. again pushing myself to reach out. first time pushing to say that i injure in several ways...4 ways? often with food and especially allergens. did make lots more scratches - supposed to report on myself when that happens. and mouth chewing. and i've not admitted to pulling hair...out. and i've a now one now of bruising -specifically the shoulder. there is one i will still keep silent. ok that's 6.
nearly became VERY unsafe fri night and sought help - went to an emergency clinic. "presented well". got sent home. am now more medicated than usual to keep safe. reaching at straws and going between "i'm fine" and "i need help".
there. i told on myself.

[Sannah]

Hi Kiya, haven't heard from you in awhile. How is your therapy going?

[googley]

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

It is good to see you. I'm glad you are reaching out.

[puzzclar]

At least you are kind of wanting to ask for help, that's a good thing. And you can get thorugh this, If they thought you were a threat to yourself then they would have recomended a Mental Hospital/Behavioral Unit, and since they didn't, think of that as a good thing. Which in reality is a good thing!! You can do this, We All Can!!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Kiya, haven't heard from you in awhile. How is your therapy going?

Thanks - It's been good - T is out of the country tho right now, so you know how that goes. There's just so much that is going on right now - as always the feathers hit the fan when T is gone. And now my ins isn't going to cover me in a way that i can see T.... Little freaked.... I am leaving heavily on T's "This is just a roadbump" line.

[Kiya]

Have to talkk safelty today with a back up T - i had cancelled originally but - i don't seem to recognize the world anymore right now. what was down is up and vice versa. i seem to be in the state of "perpetually shaking" mode.
((((((((((all))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Not being able to see T anymore because of insurance can certainly disorient you. For the T to call it a roadbump, can she see a way around it?

[Kiya]

Sannah, she's still gone atm. the back up t asked me if i'd talked to bookkeeping yet. i had and the only thing that accomplished is that bookkeeping and i agreed this was a bad thing.
i miss my t. i have 2 more sessions this month before everything goes to pot and i bet she will find a way around it - she seems to be the problem solver of the clinic. having been with her for 3 years and knowing that about her is what is keeping me sane at this point. I've enough on my plate without that.
sorry to rant... and complain... everytime i think things are spiraling out of control, they right themselves. and vice versa - when I think all is fine, BOOM something blows up.
kiya

[Sannah]

You are not ranting and complaining, you are venting which is good! Keep venting!

[sujunew]

((((((((((kiya))))))))))

[phoenix7]

how are you Kiya? how are you handling things now?

please try to distract yourself when the urge to self harm comes.

please try to stay safe

P7

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))

[googley]

((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks when others make medical decisions for us.

(((Kiya)))
How are you doing? Please stay safe.

[Kiya]

((((((((((( Calista, Googley, Fuzzy, Phoenix, Sujunew, Sannah ))))))))))))

Yeah - big week. I can't remember all what i said before. But i again presented well to the back up therapist. and that night was more SI. I think that was Wed. Tues i might have mentioned that i spent 3 hours with my estranged abuser that I've not seen in 4years.
Today mom and i are going over to where they just moved my gran (2 blocks from my abusers house). I am kinda in denial about it and still sitting here unshowered and in pjs when I should be leaving in an hour. Thankfully T will be back Monday for our women's group. And tues. And wed. I am glad to see her 3 times in a row.

Oh and my ins LOOKS like it will be ok and covered. I went to a meeting w/ the specialist and they assure me that my caseworker is just being stupid. HOPE HOPE HOPE. Meanwhile I'm just tired. The gal could see i was slipping and told me to go home and take a nap which i did. That was yesterday.

As for today my mind is already trying to put me back to sleep for the day - skip this whole thing. I'm not fond of my gran either (another abuser...course so is my mom) so i can see why my brain is rebelling. But since she is 90 and her life just got upended, I am wanting to try and make things better for her. At least I saved a lot of her things and she wants them.
*breathing*
thanks all for thinking about me through this.

[Sannah]

Ahhh, seeing abusers, yuck!! You feel like you really need to see them? This is why you SI'd?

I'm so glad that your insurance will go through!

Please continue to keep us posted.

[googley]

(((((((((((Kiya))))))))))

[Kiya]

Glad to read my posts - reminds me i never did check up on the ins. Well, I spent all day in bed today.
Last I had posted that mom (surounded by abusers) and I were going to go see gran in the home. that was AWFUL and I am not sure I can go back again. Besides from just the home being ick, gran was like a zombie - didn't remember anything, couldn't understand, was mad, happy to see us, sad to see us. she started having a medical emergency and my mom started helping her. I started swapping and having panic even thru the xanax. Gran said she needed an item and where it would be - i jumped up to get it since mom was caring for her. Turns out the item was an abuse item from when we were 11. Same exact item. We blanched - then walled it all up. Had to handel said item, bring it to her - then she didn't want it, told me where to put it, what to do with it. I felt like i was carrying... i'm not even sure what a good analogy would be... the death stick of hitler? the key to my pain? wall wall wall. then mom tried to send me to the kitchens to get gran's dinner (who refused to eat) and I couldn't do it. Mom didn't understand why. Couldn't she see that I was losing years by the moment? from 33 to 15 to 11 to... 4? I went with her to the kitchen, hiding behind her; a 4 yr old hiding behind mommie's leg. She couldn't understand. But i made up the salad with all the things i know gran likes on it. even the right dressing. Another panic attack on top of all that. We HAD to leave. NOW. We did and i was shaking. Mom got us coffee (i was driving). They gave me a grande by mistake - yay! I needed every drop. I don't remember that night (sat). There may have been more injury. I can't remember anything. Sunday either. Sunday at midnight (last night) i had a terrible flashback concerning that abuse item. so many cans of worms it unleased. I was in trouble. I wrote online to a friend in chat who urged me to call the "emergency mental health line" for the clinic - i KNEW no one would answer. They didn't. My friend urged me to go to the ER - I didn't think i could drive. Then I remembered someone I could call in the middle of the night and she was able to talk me back down and thru the emergency. Which was good because i was thinking of all the things i "could" do in that moment, and none were healthy.
Thank you for providing space for me to talk/write through this. it is helpful.
kiya
(((((((sannah, googley))))))))

[Jewels]

(((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))

I am so sorry that such a terror occurred while you were at your grams house. How horrible that of all things she should ask you to get that "thing" out of her closet. I am sorry that you have had so many panic attacks and flashbacks about that item. It must have been terrible to be so afraid.

I am glad that you were encouraged to call the Mental Health Clinic or go to the ER. And, out of it all, I am glad you remembered you could call your friend at any time of the day or night, and that your friend was able to talk you down through the pain.

I'm glad you have friends you can count on to help you through the rough times. You indeed are fortunate and am glad that you found a way to get through it without a lot of danger to yourself.

Thinking of you,

Jewels

[Kiya]

Thanks Jewels - it sure has been a rough patch. I really am fortunate to have my frend - mentor really - say to me "I will be your call-in-the-night person; everyone needs one." I always feel bad about waking her, and only call when i really am fully out of options. I thanked her again this morning via email and she thanked me for trusting her @_@ that was new to me.
hope you are alright out there too.
kiya

[Sannah]

Yeah, it doesn't sound like a good idea to visit gran again, it certainly wasn't healthy for you. I'm also glad that you have that mentor to lean on.

[Kiya]

I think you are right Sannah! Yeah, I am also very grateful for my support team and my mentor!! My gran's 90th b-day is this sat... originally when she was in her old apt I thought mom and i could take her to lunch... now i am thinking this is just soooooooo not an option.

[Kiya]

So, i was back with my own t this week (in 2 groups and then one on one). I was surprised to learn how much she didn't know about my weeks during her absence - the T's all talk with each other and "fill each other in" but she seemed thoroughly surprised when I told her of my very serious compulsions to take a full bottle of pills and also the cutting and attempt to open a vein (actually I never told her that last part because she seemed already surprised and not really into talking about it). I never know what to do in these situations. I know i am supposed to tell her... and then i minimize everything. I merely metioned that there was injury this time, and she nodded with her brow furrowed, made some notes. I didn't tell her there were new places chosen to injure or that they were (still not severe) more 'severe' than usual. I did (hopefully) cure her of her belief that my internal selves are ALL here to protect me and that none of them actually want to kill me. Her furrowed brow became a full fledged frown. *sigh*. But i have fallen into the trap; the believe that if i tell her ALL about me she will (choose one) think i'm disgusting, fear me, fear for me, leave me, send me away to someone else who can 'deal with me'. I want SO SO SO MUCH to be loved, respected, liked, cared for and about. And she does care about me and respect me. I like that. I don't want to lose that. I know - i KNOW- it is my job to tell her all about me so we can heal those deep wounds. and her job to listen without judgement. it is my judgement that she will see me as hideous and turn me out. i am so scared to lose her. i can't lose her to the image of my darkness.

[Sannah]

How did you feel when she furrowed her brow and frowned?

[Kiya]

like i'd dissapointed her. like i was not as "well" as she thought. i can tell it made her worry some. i know that she has to think on things for several days....