very scared *may be triggering*

I'm not feeling good and I really need some support. I don't know which sub-forum is best to post in because I'm feeling a mess of emotions all at once, to the point where I don't know what I feel.

I had therapy, we talked about a subject that causes me anxiety. I've been very anxious about this issue for a long time. My therapist cares a lot and tried to allow me to calm down before I left but it was horrid because I didn't want to stay in the room and be an inconvenience (due my time was up etc) but leaving was scary because I had to pass reception and i just wanted to hide. I was trapped.

I went outside and round the corner of the building. I stood there in the cold shaking hard with anxiety and coldness. Then I pushed my hands into the snow and held them there until sharp pains went up my arms. I was scared because I knew I had to get out of the therapy car park but I couldn't focus to drive. I made myself go to the car and tried counting up to a hundred over and over again but the pain in my hands reduced and I stopped being able to focus. I had to get out of my car and pick up more snow and I held it until it melted. It was painful. And it helped me focus and count. I got back in my car and counted and counted because it was safe and I needed to.

Then I drove home. I really should not have driven because I was not in control of my car at all because I couldn't focus. But I was too scared to stay longer in the car park because I know you are not suppose to. I tried to pull over but there was ice everywhere and people needing to get past and it was too hard. I need to find somewhere to hide after therapy...i can't do that again.

I'm still not coping well. I am in a very anxious and self-destructive mood. I have hidden in my room and tried to find a way to stop the fear but nothing has worked yet. I have a song on repeat loud into my headphones to protect me from the rest of the sounds.....yesterday I hit my head badly because a flatmate was talking too loudly in the other room and I was just too weak to cope better....sorry i know how pathetic that sounds. I can't cope with other noises tonight, i need safety. I like repetition....the song is safe, counting is safe.

I am so scared tonight. I would really appreciate some support. I am afraid about tomorrow. I don't want to cut myself to cope but I am unsure how much pain medication can effect driving reaction times. That is one thing i am always acutely aware of, driving a car is a dangerous weapon and I don't want to do harm. I need a way to stay safe but numb entirely.

I apologise for this. It is my scared mind talking.

Hey, I'm listening. What do you need?

Thank you. I guess I need someone to be there.

I would really like to reduce the anxiety but I don't really know how to other than what i'm trying.

Sometimes I think I just need to be seen. I'm not sure there is any words that will help or any advice to give....but I would, maybe, like some acknowledgement that tomorrow is going to be very hard and maybe if possible, care about that?

I know that sounds ridiculous because I should be able to cope, as afterall it is just another normal work day but yeh....just don't know how to cope right now with it.

some times "just another work day" is too much after a hard session. IMO it is just as legit to call in sick for mental health reasons as it is for physical health... Provided that you have sick leave and even if you have to fake the flu.

Do you have a list of coping skills?
Deep breathing and slowly sipping water work really well for me but some people need things with more intensity.

What do you do for self care?
Can you call your T?

I have to run to the store and get my son dinner before he revolts LOL... but I will be back on later.

Also, check and see which of your friend are on that may not have seen your post.

I should call in sick but I'm too scared. It is too hard to talk sometimes. It is sometimes easier to numb through self-destruction, sorry, that is bad. I shouldn't work sometimes, dr says she'd give me a sick note but we both think it is best to continue with routine if I can. So i need to put up with these times of stress sometimes. It is my own fault for being so weak. I have read the grounding posts and they really help hence the counting and need for repetition. I don't want to connect with myself too much tonight because I know that if I do i'll hurt myself very badly and i'd rather be numb.

But in regards to self care I will try and sleep or at least put my head down to rest. And try and email my therapist....that is hard to do because of the fear but I think tonight I need her. Thank you for listening, hope your son gets his food!

well... I am glad you seem a bit more calm. I am sorry that you are so scared and shaken. It is SO hard when we get into something difficult with our T and then are not ble to get it all stuffed neatly back into it's little box.

My son... well... he has to serve his time out before getting dinner... the joys of motherhood!

The joys of motherhood. I am glad you have your son, however hungry he is!

Thank you for hearing me. It is scary. Very scary Thank you so much for hearing me tonight, I've tried my sister but I couldn't quite find the strength to tell her how bad it is.

Thank you. Take care.

Take care of yourself and if you can't find me lurking feel free to PM. Also, I don't trigger if you need to talk.

Abby, you sounded very grounded in these posts, the most grounded I have ever heard you here. I think this is really good progress. I am so sorry that you had such difficultly after your session. I do hope that you share this with your T so that you 2 can come up with a plan. I am so proud of you for working so hard in therapy! I really think that this is why you sounded so grounded in these posts. Struggling but grounded. I'll bet it is because you are facing what you need to instead on continuing to just dance around it. It seems that you have done some really good work! I am so proud of you!

Thank you Omers for being here for Abby! She is very special to me so I am very thankful to you for taking care of her!

First of all, i'm proud of you for doing a coping skill of counting. that takes a lot of skill to use such a great grounding skill while under such immense anxiety and stress.

Second of all. if this happens often, I suggest you tell your therapist and maybe they can help you through it. A more practical thing is to set up a buddy system so that if you feel you can't drive yourself home, you can get a friend or family member to pick you up. Later when you feel calmer, have them drive you to the car park and drive your car home. It isn't a crime to leave a car in a car park for a while, especially under these circumstances. the worst thing that could happen is have your car towed away, and you would have to pay a fine. Paying a fine is much better than risking your life by driving under such unsafe circumstances.

take care hon!

Hey there,
sorry I wasn't around wen you first posted. I'm sorry you wnt through such pain. I too have recently left T sessions with "unfinished business" - it hurts and is scary. You think about the session over and over in your head. You need to talk to your T about it - she's the only one that can help you, go easy on you and teach you coping skills.
Well done for looking after yourself to the extent you did

((HUGS))

Thanks for all your care and support, it has been really helpful.

Thanks Sannah for always caring. I appreciate you seeing how hard I am trying in therapy. I have tried hard recently to listen and take what my therapist says as the truth rather than all lies like I normally would and I have therefore been pushing myself quite hard to talk when I would really rather keep quiet. I'm still not very good because sometimes there just aren't any words but I have been trying to stay with feelings during those times if I can. My therapist is good because she is listening to me also when I say I need to go away from topics due to fear. We did that yesterday after I was shaking too much but I think maybe it was a bit too late and that is why I got so out of control. I think learning to talk takes times!

Thankyou for caring Krisakira. I have often thought that I should get one of my parents to pick me up after some hard sessions but I'm quite afraid of doing that because I wouldn't like to show them that I'm not fully in control. I think although I love my family a lot, it would feel like they were too close if they came near me when I felt that vulnerable - and I know that makes no sense! I think you are right that I should try and speak to my therapist about this, or maybe try and park my car elsewhere so I need to walk to it and that may give me time to calm down a bit.

Thanks sugahorse for understanding. How do you cope when you leave therapy full of too many emotions? What do you do to help yourself? I do need to talk to my therapist but it is scary and knowing me I'll likely omit the fact that I really struggled yesterday when I go back next week. I still find it hard to talk about things like that for some reason. I did manage to send her an email saying i was scared and she replied today that she heard me and is thinking about me. That has helped.

I had to leave work an hour early because my head started hurting and I knew my stress tolerance levels were low and I'd find it hard to cope with lots of traffic. My manager laughed at me when I said I was going to go early as I had a headache and needed to lie down. She said she did too so what made me so special that I felt I could leave just due to that. I expect that from her now but it hurt still and it made me cry a little.

My anxiety levels are definately reducing but I think i've over-tired myself so I feel sick. I need to get organised for the weekend but at the moment I don't have the energy to move.

It has really helped getting such positive messages of support. It has really helped having somewhere to talk and feel listened too and I'm grateful for everyone replying.

This makes total sense to me Abby. It seems that you are trying to get your own identity and you need space away from your parents?

I do hope that you can tell your T eventually that you need a better plan before you leave therapy because last time was very difficult.

It makes a lot of sense, but I also understand how difficult it is to drive after a difficult session. I crashed my car on the freeway after one of my sessions. I felt so exhausted that I guess I fell asleep & drove across into the grass & brush center divider of the freeway. Had one of my little eskie dogs with me & she was under the dash board on the passenger side. I was so disoriented that I walked across the freeway (luckily, not much traffic) & called on the emergency phone they have along the california freeways. Ended up calling the fire department instead of the highway partol & they sent a huge fire truck to check out my accident.

Also, the year after I had gone through the trauma with my Mother & the year after her death, I was in partial treatment at the hospital....I zoned out (later told that it was depersonalization I was going through). Lots of traffic in January. I stopped at a traffic light & somehow rolled forward & rear ended the car in front of me.....enough damage to need insurance involved......then not even 15 minutes later on the freeway, the same thing happened....lots of stop & go traffic & again, I rear ended the care in front of me. Needless to say, I made arrangements NOT to drive again after that.

Please be careful, I would hate for anything similar to happen to you after your therapy. I know that horrible feeling of knowing that it's not safe to drive, but having to anyway.....but it's much better if you can find some other means of transportation.

Maybe if family were able to drive you, you could just quietly sit in the back seat & just let them drive you home without talking or letting them in on what you .

Just thinking of your safety, even though you don't want family to be that close at a time like that, it might be better than an accident in the long run.

Please take care. One time I was feeling so dizzy after therapy....it was while I was living through the trauma that was happening to me & my Mother......I ended up having to lay down on one of the sofa's in one of the other offices were there wasn't a therapist that day.....stayed there until I felt strong enough to be able to even walk.

Maybe something like that might work out for you......

Thank you, your experiences eskie are exactly what I fear may happen to me after a particually hard session. I really need to find a way through this because I have driven a few times when I knew I wasn't safe (not always after therapy). I think I need to talk to my therapist about her ensuring i'm safe to drive because I quite clearly wasn't when I left the other day and I wasn't thinking straight enough to make good decisions, e.g. I tried to find a place to pull over down the road, ended up going down and icy dirt track and nearly getting trapped doing a 3point turn on the ice. Horrid and stressful. Plus in the dark when you can't fully focus it is hard to gauge distance between cars, so like you if the traffic is busy i feel i could underestimate distances.

I'm still feeling very stressed. I can't tell if stress is causing me to be nauseous or if I have a stomach bug and am just mis-reading signals as stress. I feel so ill. I have to go to my sister's house tonight which requires a 2hr train journey....I can't really cope but I can't let her down and it might be good to try and distract myself. Just hope I don't feel so nauseous later.