[Lizabelle]

I just started trying to get help for my depression about 3 or 4 weeks ago. But all it seems to do is make it worse. All these people, asking me questions, trying to make me eat, telling me all sorts of useless stuff like "you know you can't..." (do anything but stay here, pretty much). I can't take it any more.
But I saw that when I clawed my arms, or bit my fingernails so far down that it hurt, I felt better. Not a lot, but a little better. Now I can't stop. I wear long sleeved shirts to hide the tiny scars hangnails leave when I scratch; my bottom lip is red and bloody most of the time from continually biting it to feel the pain; my fingernails are the ugliest things you have ever seen on the end of hands. I don't want to stop, per se....it is still the only thing that makes me feel better. But now, it's like I can't stop. I go to the lavatories at school to just sit there in a stall and scratch and bite and pick...
Does anyone know why it makes it hurt less? Why I can't stop doing it now?

[findingmy_self95]

That is the start of self harm. You need to stop immediately, self harm is addictive and you will be left with scars and the depression WILL get worse if you continue. Im here if you ever need to talk just PM me.

[findingmy_self95]

If you need proof check out my profile and my album and see what your future could possibly be.... Hopefully it wont

[Sannah]

Liz, pain releases endorphins which improve your mood. It is very addictive, however, as you are noticing, so stop going down this road. The real road to feeling better is sorting things out in therapy and yes, at first therapy is hard but as you keep going you get the payoffs and the final payoff is that you have learned how to deal with your feelings so that you won't get these SI urges. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Detia]

It would be much better to stop and to try to find another way to feel better.

Sannah is right in saying that it releases endorphins, it also does a lot of things to the mental state. Then it becomes addictive because of the endorphins and the results. However the habit is not something that is curing the pain or emotional discomfort, merely hiding it.

We're here to listen.

[Lizabelle]

I've found a way that doesn't leave scars...if I take my tweezers and just run them across my arms really hard the marks are gone in a few hours.
And about therapy...I went the the school counselor. My parents and her are still trying to get some REAL therapy. No one knows about the scratching yet...I just "started" last week.
HOW do I stop? I know it's harmful, even if it doesn't leave scars. But I just find myself pulling the tweezers out of my pocket, and it feels like I can't stop. Everyone around me thinks that I've gotten "better", but they don't know that I just found a way to take the pain inside of me away for a little while. I'm too scared to trust anyone IRL, that's why I come here. So how do I stop?

[Sannah]

Get into therapy and you can work with your therapist on how to stop.

[Lizabelle]

Do any of you know any ways to speed up the process of getting into therapy? We only have partial health insurance, and my mom is trying to get us full coverage. I have found a lot of free clinics where I live, but I don't know how to approach her. I have told her that I really want to see someone, and given her all of the websites, but I don't know whether she is doing anything. I don't like stressing her or any of my family out, because I care for them too much.
The school counselor doesn't help much, because all she wants to do is get me to join a youth group (), and even though she's nice, I'm scared of everybody. My parents, counselors, even though I know they love me or are there to help, I'm scared to bare myself emotionally. Even on here I feel that I have to be guarded in some ways. Why can't I trust anyone??? No one has ever *really* hurt me, not in any way that is out of the ordinary...

[Sannah]

How about saying to your mom that you want to go visit or call one of the clinics?

[Sannah]

How about telling your mom that you want to go visit or call one of the clinics? It is okay to ask for what you need.

[Lizabelle]

I know it's ok, but....I don't know, it just seems to get worse as I ask for more help. Pretending that everything is ok is hard, but it's easier than having people worry and think I'm a fake and try to "help me" in ways that just make it worse. I hate feeling like a burden to my family, like something else that they have to deal with, on top of 4 other kids, juggling bills, work, and everything else that causes them stress. I feel so guilty, for pretending to be happy, and then I feel guilty when I ask for help. I just want it all to go away.

[Sannah]

But Liz, you need this and you deserve this and they are your parents and it is their responsibility to provide this for you.

[Detia]

I agree with Sannah, they do all of those things to provide a life for you. They're your parents. I understand not wanting to be some sort of burden, but that doesn't mean you have to take on everything by yourself.

[Lizabelle]

So, how do I ask them? Do I just walk up to them and say "I want to go see a doctor"? I have done almost the same thing with my mom, and she just told me that we were still working on the health insurance. Even with all of the free clinic things that I have showed her! I think that time is also a major factor in this. Both of my parents work odd hours, and we never know when they will be working.

Thank you all for all of the advice and encouragement! I owe you so much.

[Detia]

Perhaps you could do research on these clinics yourself, and propose to your mom which one you think would work out, particularly with the free ones. You said you've talked to your mom about it already, just talk to her about it again, ask her to sit down and explain you would like to go to a doctor and try to figure out what times would be best or if she would provide you a ride some day to check out one of the clinics. Stuff probably along those lines.

It takes a lot of initiative on your part, especially when you're going into something so new... but I'm sure that if you meet your parents half way with everything that has to be done to get you there, they might help you easier. Just an idea

[Lizabelle]

Hmmmmm. I'll have to try that. Thanks for the ideas!

[Sannah]

Is there public transportation available? You are doing a good job working on this!

[Lizabelle]

Not that I know of....and I don't have any money. (I doubt my parents would let me take it if there was...they are very "safety-conscious", online, on the streets, everything.)

If I was doing a good job, none of this would have ever happened......

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

If I was doing a good job, none of this would have ever happened......

Now you've got me intrigued. Have you actually figured out something you'd rather have done differently? Are you blaming yourself before someone else beats you to it? Or are you just sharing a depressive thought that may not mean anything?

I haven't read everything you've posted but it sounds like you're doing at least as good a job of muddling through as I would've (for whatever that's worth! )

[Sannah]

So you caused all of your problems?

[Lizabelle]

I know I did. If I had been a better person, a better sister and daughter, if I had done something better, this wouldn't have happened. I don't know what I did, but it's something so big, that I can't even see it. There's a quote I found that describes it quite well.

Whatever is happening to me is my fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

If I had been a better person, a better sister and daughter, if I had done something better, this wouldn't have happened. I don't know what I did, but it's something so big, that I can't even see it.

Uh-oh -- a heavy situation! Sounds like it's time to drag out the heavy equipment.

When I find myself facing something like that, my question of last resort is, "How do I know that?" Over the next few hours or days I may go through a bunch of interim answers, some more distracting than others, but for me the eventual answer has always turned out to be:

"Because I said so."

Your mileage may vary.

Originally Posted by Lizabelle

There's a quote I found that describes it quite well.

I found it online, attributed to one Margaret Atwood in a novel titled Cat's Eye. It sounds like one of the more vivid accounts of depressive thinking I've come across. I have no doubt that that's how you sometimes feel, but back to my question: if you say it's not just something you find yourself thinking, feeling or imagining but actually applies to you in some way... how do you know that?

[Lizabelle]

What do you mean by "your mileage may vary"?

Because it's always my fault. Either I was involved, or I could have done something to prevent it. If my siblings are fighting, somehow it's always my fault. If my parents are arguing, either it's about me, or I could have helped/prevented the situation. If dinner isn't on the table at the right time, I was making it, or I could have. If my dad is mad because someone's chore didn't get done, I could have helped them and did it, or I distracted them from doing it. I am always to blame. Either I know that I'm to blame, or someone else blames me. If something is wrong, I could have made it better. That's how I know.

[trixielou]

i have ugly scars on my arms from cutting & cig burns & digging my skin with sharp edge of wedding ring while in psych ward they took my wedding ring while i was there & lost my priviledge to go out on breaks & in the summer the sun makes them show up really bright against tanned skin my skin soaks up the sun even with 70spf sunscreen so i gave up on that despite all this i still have urges but i get thru them by reading Bible & im not tryin to sound goody goody the Lord God knows ive come from ugly alcohol crack cocaine hell so i can honestly say Gods Word helps me in every way & im still learning i cannot go on feelings gotta go on complete faith trust & dependence on Him oh believe me i get those pop up urges for a drink or crack or si but with prayer & Jesus & His Word they pass

[Lizabelle]

Wow, Trixielou. That sounds awful. I have tried God, but for one, religion is very personal to me, so I don't discuss it. All I will say is that God sure knows how to make himself scarce.