SI scars and relationships

So, I really lost my head in August and went through a period where I was doing a lot of SI, cutting in the same place over and over, etc. I stopped in the middle of August, but now the scars are still SO bad. Viciously purple, dark, and deep, even all these months later. Every day I look at them and feel so depressed. I have realized that I now have 40 lifetime scars on my leg from that period in my life. I wish I had not gone so deep

I don't know what I'm going to say to the next guy I date. I have never dated a guy and had such obvious SI scars before. I don't think anyone I know (except my closest, closest friends) would have any idea that I am the kind of person who would SI. Most people think I am really bubbly and happy. So now any guy I date and decide to do anything physical with will know how sad and self-destructive I can get. I'm really uncomfortable with that. And, I don't want to start liking a guy, only to find that he rejects me because of this.

Is there a way to avoid explaining what the scars are from? They are 40 neat, diagonal slashes toward the top of my left calf. What else could make a mark like that? They are WAY too deep to be explained as cat scratches or anything like that. They are too wide as well. Has anyone else found a good cover for explaining deep, wide, dark-colored, obvious scars?

How do you explain this to guys you date? How soon do you explain? What's appropriate? Should I let them know really soon what they are getting themselves into, or wait until the situation comes about where they are forced to ask where those scars came from?

I am just feeling really hopeless about ever feeling comfortable in a relationship ever again. Now it's like I have a sign plastered on me for all to see:

Damaged Goods.

I guess there's nothing to say about this anyway, huh.

A suck it up and deal with it kind of thing.

Goodbye, dating.

Oh dear ... you had to use the term "Damaged Goods" didn't you? Now I have to respond. Rant Mode ON, then.
I understand your fears of rejection. However ... I suspect there are many guys who feel as I do - seeing someone engage in that sort of "damaged goods" thinking tends to make me feel very nurturing and very protective. I don't have any suggestions about how you would approach talking about SI, but I'm sure there are good prospects out there for you! Jexa, you are so much more than scars and an SI habit. Any guy worth your time will see that. The only thing to suck up is your own fear (a lesson I am s-l-o-w-l-y learning myself). Please don't let insecurities hold you back from finding happiness.
(((((jexa)))))
Rant Mode OFF.
(and best of luck to you)
Hello dating!

That last line made me want to cry and give you a big hug. I don't know what guys would think, but I guess most people would be uncomfortable seeing the scars and knowing where they came from. But what I think, from reading your post, is that you are a really strong person, that sure, you had your bad days, but that's the past, and you survived it. In a way, your scars say that you are a survivor.

I was thinking about lifetime scars, that they could come from accidents or whatever unfortunate event. The scars would remain, but so would the fact that the person got through that horrific event and made it out okay and was able to deal with whatever traumatizing effects that resulted. The scars may be no accident in your case, but they did result from a horrific time in your life, and hey, a lot of accidents do happen because of mistakes that people make, and that is no different in your case.

I don't really have much advice about relationships, but I think that if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you shouldn't try to come up with a cover story, since relationships should be honest and open. I don't know when you should talk about it, but maybe you would be able to naturally feel when the right time is as you develop the relationship.

In my case, my scars actually attracted guys, since they had SI too. Maybe it made them feel that they weren't alone in the world or something like that. Of course people who don't SI could also be as understanding and accepting.

I hope you feel better..

If he is for real you can tell him the truth. I am not going to sugarcoat anything. Some will be scared off by this. Those are the ones you are better off without anyway. The ones that are truly worth it will stay and will not be deterred.
Long before we had actually even met in real life, at a very early stage in our relationship my gf confided her own SI to me. I know she is still doing it and not likely to stop any time soon. But it was never even the tiniest bit of an issue between us.

If a guy really cares about you, he won't be scared off by your SI scars. If he runs, he wasn't worth your time anyway.

I started SI-ing before I got married, but didn't do it often, or very deep. It got really worse after we got married, and my husband was freaked out at first. But, I guess he got used to it. Now he doesn't say much anymore, he knows it makes me feel better. The cuts have gotten deeper, the scars have gotten worse and bigger, but he still stands by me. True love will overcome anything.

I think many people believe that others will only want to date someone who displays perfection. But look at the great diversity of people and human experience in the world... if it were true that people only chose to enter a relationship with those who were perfect, the human race would surely be on the path towards extinction.

Everyone has issues and past baggage. EVERYONE. Some of our baggage is obvious, and some is not. Those whom you may like to enter a relationship with will also have baggage and issues and flaws of their own. Some of those issues will be obvious from the start, and others will only be revealed over time.

It is true that there are some men who would choose not to date someone who has SIed in the past. Some men would also choose not to date someone who earns more money than them, or has blonde hair, or drinks, or doesn't drink, or someone who is emotionally demonstrative, or emotionally cold, or, or, or...

The point is, in terms of finding a partner, your scars will matter to some people, and to others they won't. You are not 'damaged goods' - you merely come with a history that is as varied and rich and complex and unique as any member of the human race.

Jexa,

Don't feel so bad about yourself. None of us are perfect. We're all damaged in some way. All of us have problems, and those problems can have effects on our relationships. But I've always believed that if you really love someone, you can see past their flaws, or the problems they might have. You can love them despite their mistakes, and what they might have done in the past. Someone who really loves you isn't going to think badly of you because of SI. They'll recognize that you, just like everyone else, have struggled. And who knows, maybe eventually you'll even be able to find someone who can relate to what you went or are going through. Believe it or not, there are people who understand.

Thank you all soooo much for your replies. I guess it's true that people reject other people for all kinds of reasons. Maybe SI would be the reason one guy would reject me, but I guess there are good things about me and everyone has complications. I am in a more positive mood today, and your replies made me feel less hopeless.

You know, maybe it's a good thing, too. I usually have a really hard time saying no to guys and end up doing physical stuff before I really want to... But now maybe I will be forced to say no until I know for sure the guy is one who won't get freaked out about my scars.

Do you guys think I should tell the person I'm dating before he ends up seeing the scars? Or should I wait until he asks about them?

Jexa,

I would hold off saying anything until you feel comfortable or until he asks. And tell the truth. I have found that lying or making up stories only leads you to feel worse about yourself. Sure, it is not something that we feel like discussing with all and sundry, but it is still a precious part of you, of your history, whether it be negative or positive.

I have no idea whether this is the right way to do it, even if it seemed instinctive to me, but I started to treat my scars as "battle scars". I am not proud of what I did to my body, but I am not guilty for it either. What I am proud of, is that I made it through, and that is where my battle scars lie. They are a reminder to me, that I SUFFERED and overcame, and suffered and overcame. They remind me that I am human and flawed and have feelings even if I don't understand them. But flaws is what makes me, me.

When my fiance first asked me about them (and they are not as obvious now. Probably more superficial than the ones that you describe), I told him the flat out truth, without regret, but with sadness, and that was that. It opened an interesting dialogue. I cannot say it was easy, it never is, but I felt ......a sort of freedom I guess. "I am not ashamed and neither should you be, and if you are, then you are not for me"......that was my attitude. We have been together for 7 years now and engaged for 2.

Take care of your precious, precious self. Despite the Darkness you have encountered, be proud that you survived it and still survive it. You have courage.

Michah

The only thing that I can say to you on this front is that:

If a guy cannot accept you for your scars and any other flaws you may have, he just is not the right one for you. I used to worry SO much about that sort of thing when I was a singleton again, but then I met David.

I said to him before I met him "If you want to ask anything, don't be afraid to. Just ask and I'll answer". He knew what I meant, he knew about my scars from pictures he'd seen of me. So we met and now we're engaged to be married in 2012. The reason he chose me is because he loves me scars and all. He loves my scars because they are a part of me. He loves them because they show the battles I have fought and won. If I didn't have scars, I'd probably not be here and that's why he loves my scars.

Any guy who does not accept you and your scars is someone who cannot simply understand that you have fought battles and won. As said above, your scars are battle scars. They are proof that you have come through your troubles alive and kicking, that you are not willing to give up, that you are so incredibly strong.

You will find someone who will love every single part of you, even your flaws, because that's what makes you who you are. A 'perfect' person would be boring. Sometimes, my fiance says to me when I say how much I hate myself and my flaws: "Your flaws make you perfect. They make you perfect because they show a different part of you and they show that you refuse to be what everyone else sees as 'perfect'. Your flaws have made you a better person and continue to do so".

THAT is something I will always remember. Always. Your flaws are yours, because they're a part of you. Nobody can dislike you for that. Be yourself and when asked, tell the truth. If they're decent enough, they'll understand. Just remember to be self protective and don't let out too much at once... Guys like a girl who they have to work out a little bit about.

Seriously, 9 months ago, my then boyfriend told me he loved me and told me he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. But he hit me and pushed me around and told me he hated my scars, he hated my depression, he hated what a problematic 'thing' I was. I left him. Those 9 months ago, I was a wreck and thought no-one would ever love me. Then I changed my thought processes and realized that the less I worried about my flaws and the more I concentrated on showing my assets, the more likely I was to hitch a guy and then I could tell him about the scars when he asked and be honest and accept it if he couldn't stand the sight of me, accept taht it's his problem not my own.

It is NOT your problem if a guy cannot accept you. It is his.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope this has helped. PM me if you need anything

I agree with ThePainNeverDies. You're you. Wonderful and precious just the way you are, scars and all, and if you're current guy cannot appreciate that, move on. You deserve better and there is someone who will love you right.
It can be really hard to explain, but my experiance with my own guy was beautiful. He just accepted it and made me even happier and more sure about us.

((((jexa))))

I don't have any advice for you, but wanted you to know I am listening.
Your post struck me because I am in a similar situation. It sounds like I made similar scars from this past summer. You are not alone. I will be thinking of you.

Of course you're not alone with this.

When I was dating, what helped me was planning out ahead of time what to say (plans always make me feel safer). So when I was still getting to know someone, I would give clear social cues that it was not to be discussed: "Those are from a bad incident I was in, I don't like to talk about it." I planned to repeat myself if pressed, but all inquiries stopped there.

When I dated someone quite seriously, at a certain point it became important that he know the truth to see the real me, and I simply said, "I used to cut myself." He was very accepting. Now, with more maturity and insight, I would probably flesh out my answer: "It happened at a very sad and lonely time in my life when I struggled with tragedy and had no idea how to cope with my feelings."

i just show people take me or leave me actually theyre curious about why someone would do it but like everything else unless yav been there ya cant relate

Jexa........... silent for such a long time...... hoping you are OK.