Ready to give it up

Why?......

I’ve never really relied on anyone

How are you doing now hun? I've been away for the weekend and haven't been able to catch up...

So you are afraid to go there?

I’m alright I guess, a bit tired and triggery but otherwise okay.

I am afraid to go there. I’ve been so self sufficient all these years that relying on someone for something this big seems almost ridiculous. I know I need to get used to it but whenever I get “too close” to someone I end up withdrawing myself from them. I’m scared to get too close and end up relying on them. That’s exactly how I feel with my T. I don’t want to have to call her up in the middle of the night to talk or help with urges. I’m so used to dealing with it myself it’s like I’ll be giving up some kind of power.

I gave in. I couldn’t handle everything anymore.

This would be really good stuff to share with your T. Is this what kept you out of therapy for so long? Your relationships in the past have been damaging and you feel you have no voice in a relationship so it is just better to stay alone?

I don’t know if I can share it with her. It’s one of the things that kept me out of therapy for so long. In general I’ve been trying to keep anyone from getting too close to me. I’ve relied on people before yet at the same time I’m deathly scared of losing people. It’s hard to explain.

Sounds like it is definitely something that needs to be worked through eventually. You have obviously made some progress because you are seeing T more now and calling her.

good luck!

I don’t know if I would call it progress, it’s more like forcing myself to do something I’m not comfortable with.

Thanks thetheft I really appreciate it!

As long as you are doing it.........

I guess it is. I’m supposed to have a T appt today but I don’t know if I can go.

Did you go?

Nope I rescheduled.

My T has been very nice with all of the phone conversations and everything.

2 T appts this week and I’m really nervous and anxious for some reason. I’ve been wanting to SI all day and the urges are getting worse not better. I’m really scared. I found a blade and am keeping it close to me at all times.

You don't want to look at yourself in therapy or allow her to get close? (I got your message - you are welcome!)

I’m a mess right now, inside and out.

I want therapy to help but it just isn’t right now. It’s making things harder to deal with. I’m finding myself getting urges a lot more than I did when I just stopped on my own and didn’t do therapy.

Yes, therapy can make things worse BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. This is the only way to get to the other side, though. You can either stay on this side and continue to struggle or trudge up this big hill so that you can get to the other side.

It’s just so hard. I want to so badly right now. I’m getting weaker. I want to give in and have nothing else to do. I want the pain to be brought to the surface.

I want to get there, I truly do but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m all alone in this.

This is the first time in a little bit that I have wanted to hit an artery or vein. I want to feel something. I want to bleed a lot, I want to get stitches, I want the ache and the pain, maybe even to bleed out. I want it to be bad, really bad.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now.

Is your anxiety driving your urges or feeling alone?

Who IRL can you reach out to so that you don't feel so alone?

Coming here is a good idea too so that you can connect.

Please do not really hurt yourself. You know that SI doesn't cure anything.

I don’t know exactly what is but I’m really anxious and scared. I’m scared of being alone, I know I’ll do something, I know it. It’s been too long since I last did. I can’t resist.

I don’t know who I can reach out to. I’m not thinking logically, I know it. I can’t think of anyone to call, anyone who would really care.

I love coming here but it really isn’t enough. I don’t know what to do, I’m so freaked out. My head is going to explode. SI will clear my head, at least for a little bit, at least until I can... I don’t know where that thought was even going. I can’t even explain what is going through my head. I’m in a full out panic now.

Can you just go to sleep right now? When is your next appt.?

I’m too awake to sleep. I can’t, I wish I could but I can’t.

Not for a few days.

The urges are getting worse.

Can you focus on a pleasant scene in your head right now like the beach or something?

Can you take some deep breathes and relax?

Can you ground yourself by touching something, tasting something, smelling something, noticing colors in the room?

Can you call your T?

I’m trying but nothing is helping