*Could be triggering*


These past couple of days have been really rough for me -- I (accidentally!) crashed my car, and I've been trying to deal with all the feelings that has brought up. Luckily, my friend took me out that night and I stayed over at hers - I think if she hadn't been there for me I would have done some real damage to myself.
When I got home and took another look at my car, I went right up to my room and shut myself away from everyone. That's when it really started hitting home (I guess I allowed it to, I'd tried to stay as together as I could in front of my friend.) I felt myself spiralling down, and had some real bad urges to cut, to really do harm to myself. I even considered OD-ing on my meds. I just wanted to make it all stop. 'My life is not worth living' I thought. I didn't want to face up to the reality of what happened. I felt like I was in crisis and no one cared. I wound up cutting my wrist - my actual wrist this time instead of further up my arms. I even cut the 'right' way. I just couldn't follow through with cutting hard enough or deep enough to do anything more than superficial damage. I'm not sure why... I guess even though I felt I really 'wanted to die', I didn't actually, really, want to die.
Cutting had the usual/desired effect on me - in that it calmed me down when I saw the blood, enough that I got a little clarity on the situation, enough that I attempted to reach out - so I posted on the forum (under psychotherapy, to ask peoples opinions on if I should email my therapist) and then I actually emailed my therapist (about the car, I couldn't bring myself to tell her this part...) The kind replies on the forum, and from my therapist, helped me ground myself a bit, and I think I'm now on my way back to thinking clearly again. I'm still dealing with troubling thoughts, but the urgency and urge has mostly gone... and I'm back to feeling ashamed - another scar to hide...
I just wish I could calm myself down without doing such drastic, potentially dangerous, things. I thought my SI was a thing of the past - I'd been doing okay since starting therapy - but I guess I haven't conquered it yet.

[teresapooh98]

It takes time and u will get thru this. Don't beat yourself up.

[Sannah]

Sorry about your car and that it is so difficult for you to face it. Reaching out here and to your therapist seemed to help. Do you think that you could do this before you SI next time?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sorry about your car and that it is so difficult for you to face it. Reaching out here and to your therapist seemed to help. Do you think that you could do this before you SI next time?

Thanks Sannah. It helped for a while...

I think it may help to actually see my therapist, but she's away. She emailed me back, and it calmed me down for a bit - but then I found myself going over and over the email, deconstructing it... hard to explain, but in the end I wish I hadn't emailed her. She suggested I call her, but I didn't. I feel like even emailing was a needy and selfish thing to do, and so I won't be contacting her again before our next appointment. I don't want to feel like someone is merely placating me - and that I'm dependent on them doing so.

Reaching out is hard for me - maybe because a lot of times I have done, (mostly concerning my parents) I haven't got the response I wanted. I feel/fear rejection, I guess. I think the thing I want more than anything else is for someone to genuinely care enough about me to 'reach in'... (needy needy needy!)

I'm finding posting here on the forum very helpful and very supportive, and it's great to hear the thoughts of others who are in similar situations and going through therapy... I don't know if I could post before I SI, though, I don't want to feel like I'm shifting the responsibilty on to other people to stop me...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

then I found myself going over and over the email, deconstructing it...

Do you feel like you were being obsessive about it?

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

She suggested I call her, but I didn't. I feel like even emailing was a needy and selfish thing to do, and so I won't be contacting her again before our next appointment. I don't want to feel like someone is merely placating me - and that I'm dependent on them doing so.

It is okay to need others!

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Reaching out is hard for me - maybe because a lot of times I have done, (mostly concerning my parents) I haven't got the response I wanted. I feel/fear rejection, I guess. I think the thing I want more than anything else is for someone to genuinely care enough about me to 'reach in'... (needy needy needy!)

This makes total sense. If you haven't been getting the response you need from your parents no wonder it discourages you from reaching out. There are other people out there who can respond to you the way that you need them too so try not to shut the door? Does your T respond the way you need her to? You are not needy by wanting meaningful connection to others. This is SO normal.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I don't know if I could post before I SI, though, I don't want to feel like I'm shifting the responsibilty on to other people to stop me...

Or maybe you don't want others to stop you?

You seem to be very insightful!

I don't think I was obsessing... more like, trying to figure out the meaning behind the words, how she was responding to what I said. When something is written down it can be harder to decipher than if spoken... that's not obsessing, right?

I don't want to need others! Experience has taught me that I get let down at some point. My T has told me that maybe my expectations are too high...

My T responds the way I want/need her to.. or seems to... in person anyway. This is the first email of a therapeutic nature I've had from her - and I only contacted her this way as she's now away for weeks.

I guess the fear with SI is... what if others can't stop me?
Maybe I feel it's better for me not to ask for things in the first place, that way it doesn't rule out the possibility, the hope...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

You seem to be very insightful!

Thank you!

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

that's not obsessing, right?

No, I don't think so. I read your thread in the other forum and right away I told myself that you weren't obsessing at all.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I don't want to need others! Experience has taught me that I get let down at some point. My T has told me that maybe my expectations are too high...

I think that you are responding normally to not getting your needs met. (Again, your other thread made this clearer to me).

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I guess the fear with SI is... what if others can't stop me?
Maybe I feel it's better for me not to ask for things in the first place, that way it doesn't rule out the possibility, the hope...

Seems to be related to the above of not getting your needs met.

Thanks Sannah, really, you've helped me to see things more clearly and in better perspective. I'm feeling a bit better about it all now

Well, I was feeling a bit better - I got up, had a bath, washed my hair, listened to some music... and thought that instead of waiting in vain for someone to reach out to me, I would, (again,) be the one to reach out... let's get back on track, I thought... or at least try.
But then I made the huge mistake of reaching out to my mum. Bad idea. What started out as a promising conversation about maybe getting my car back on the road (I thought it was beyond repair) turned into her saying all the wrong things about how it happened, and about the txts she had sent me (basically she'd got all at cross purposes with the txts and had ended up getting pretty nasty) - but she just wouldn't listen to me. Of course it was all my fault, and I push people away. Right. Anyway I try to tell her how I feel, and actually tell her I feel really bad, emotionally, that I'm not coping, that I'm not in a good place - but she's totally not understanding what I'm saying or where I'm coming from. Long story short she starts shouting me down, and I start crying and trying to be heard, and she hangs up on me. In anger, I slam the phone and kick things around, but then I take a minute to breathe, and actually put myself out there again by trying to call her back to put things right, even though inside I am furious. She doesn't answer. I ring again. She doesn't answer. I ring again. She's unplugged the phone.
In a fury at the 'rejection' and in my despair I send her a txt that basically says something to the tune of - 'nice parenting, mum. Hang up on your suicidally depressed daughter. Nice going. F--k the car, I won't be needing it.' With the intention that this. is. it. I've had it. 'Nobody cares...' Ironic thing is, she probably won't even get that msg until tomorrow, because she never has her mobile on.
So I took a knife to my wrist. Again. Over and over and over again. I tried to really do it - and I meant it - but it is actually crazy hard to try and exert the amount of necessary pressure to do such harm to yourself, it's like your survival instinct takes over and won't let you, or something. And, also, cutting that part of your wrist - really hurts. So I get mad with myself, because all I have is lot of pathetic shallow cuts. So I start to wonder about other ways - but I've been here before, there is no easy way out that I can think of/find - and by now, I think with all the endorphins from all the cutting, I wasn't feeling as urgent about ending it.
Dad came home, and I wound up going downstairs in an effort to reach out to him instead. It ended up being a ridiculous, and very one sided 3 hour conversation, which was basically me saying how awful the world is and how I have no place in it, and all the ways I'd contemplated ending it all. Which, I don't suppose, is stuff he wanted to hear... but he didn't react, which made me feel even worse. I felt like I was flogging a dead horse. Here I am, baring my soul, spilling my guts, waving my bloody arm at him, and he's just like 'what do you want me to do/say?' I'm like 'how can I make you CARE?!' I finally, finally, got a hug from him, after I basically begged him to show me some love and support. Hollow victory, really.
Which allllll makes me sound very needy and desperate and attention seeky, I'm well aware... That's not really who I am.
So, I'm now very tired, worn out, and sort of emotionally numb. Everything seems so ridiculous - life, death, therapy... (As I ranted on and on at my dad I found myself getting really sarcastic about the whole process, very negative. Which, I know isn't the rational me thinking/speaking - because I really value therapy... I'm just mad because my T is away ) When I'm really depressed and hopeless my sarcastic, negative, pessimistic, *****y side really comes out and mocks the part of me that's trying to cling on, hope, and be positive...
So, I'm no longer in the mood to actually kill myself, but I still wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Because really, my life (whilst not being 'worse' than the lives of so many others, I know) just doesn't feel worth living. For a lot of years I've been trying to convince myself that things will get better, but they never do. Thing is, they get worse. At 16 I thought I had problems, but looking back, I laugh at 16 year old me - problems? What did she know? I'd do anything to go back to that time. Things weren't nearly as messed up back then. I can't believe it's been a whole decade of my life, with little respite or happiness. How did I let things get this bad?

[Sannah]

girl, it doesn't surprise me one bit that this was the response that you got from your parents. How do you think that you got to where you are today with all of this? We develop emotionally while growing up with the guidance of our parents. If they have issues which keep us from healthy emotional development they aren't going to be able to help us to develop emotionally. Your therapist is the one who is going to be able to help you and any other emotionally healthy people you can find.

I would suggest not trying to get something from your parents which they aren't able to give. They aren't doing it on purpose, it is just where they are at.

Originally Posted by Sannah

girl, it doesn't surprise me one bit that this was the response that you got from your parents. How do you think that you got to where you are today with all of this? We develop emotionally while growing up with the guidance of our parents. If they have issues which keep us from healthy emotional development they aren't going to be able to help us to develop emotionally. Your therapist is the one who is going to be able to help you and any other emotionally healthy people you can find.

I would suggest not trying to get something from your parents which they aren't able to give. They aren't doing it on purpose, it is just where they are at.

I know this, I do... and when I'm thinking rationally and logically I can sort of accept it, understand it, and let it be - but when I get really upset, I sometimes can't help reacting to it, and badly ...