I want to cut

just2b · 04:11 PM

Yes, I want to cut too! I already burned myself with cig. Yes I just got a tatoo on my left arm that says JUST BREATHE that is suppose to stop me in circumstances like this but **** it!! I want the physical pain! I want to hurt in a physical way! ****!! Screw meaning behind the ****ing tatoo, Screw AA, Screw being ****en sober, if I want to drink I will! She isnt gonna ever be my friend in AA or anywhere else. Restraining order, go ahead, it wouldnt be the first time I had one! Just called T to vent to her about what she told me in a phone call last week. Its still burning me up! She told me that "I am burning her out"!! WTF! Cut again and again!!! I am "burning out" everyone around me, son's T wants a restraining order if I continue, and my own T is burnt out. And you ****ing wonder why I am only 10 days sober, and continue to self harm myself. Go figure! As for therapy for son, and his group...ahaahahahaah you want me to bring him to your office after you just told me that your close to having a restraining order against me! Damn some ****ing guts you have! I am sorry I damn ****ing exist!!!!

Sannah · Aug 02, 2011, 12:45 PM

Hi Just2B, sounds like you are pretty wound up?

just2b · Aug 11, 2011, 01:09 PM

Yes..I was very very wound up!!! I am still struggling with the whole thing...even got another tatoo on my left arm that says be still and relax with a ribbon under it. Kinda takes to the Just Breathe. I just got out of the psychatric hospital yesterday. Back on meds and taking them. But feeling a little of the same feelings.

Sannah · Aug 11, 2011, 01:30 PM

It is good that you are focusing on these calming messages that you got as tattoos. You know what your goals are. Is it easy to get wound up? Have you ever practiced some relaxation exercises? Do you feel if you don't act immediately that you will lose somehow?

just2b · Aug 11, 2011, 10:00 PM

I have done relaxtion techniques in the past only with the help of my T. It feels very strange to do it by myself. I prefer to have the help of my T. My next tattoo will be on my right arm and say Let it go I struggle with letting things go. I wish it came easy. I have this situation and its killing me to have this person not speaking to me, and I cant let it go. I feel I may be a little out of control with the tatoos and this impulsivity to getting them. I feel its become addictive already. second one in less than a week! I try to focus on other things than this person, but its hard.

Confusedinomicon · Aug 11, 2011, 10:59 PM

Have you tried putting your hand over your heart and breathing deep?

Sannah · Aug 12, 2011, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by just2b

I have this situation and its killing me to have this person not speaking to me, and I cant let it go.

Are you anxious? If so, this can lead to being compulsive. You have that anxiety and it just keeps you so pumped up that you have to focus on something and then you can't stop focusing on it. When I had a lot of anxiety I found that my stuffed feelings caused a lot of it. I worked on unloading my feelings and it helped immensely.

Do you want to talk about this situation? Sometimes that helps.

just2b · Aug 17, 2011, 04:08 PM

UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Session with T since being out of hospital was bad. Got another tattoo. looking forward to payday so can get another! Situation with person isnt gonna change, I just need to accept and its just very hard.

Sannah · Aug 18, 2011, 10:35 AM

Why was the T session bad? Talking about that situation with that person can help because it can get your feelings about it out (not talking about it with that person but with someone else).

just2b · Aug 23, 2011, 11:33 PM

The reason why session with T was bad is because she confronted me in a way I guess, about having her initals (same as person that isnt talking to me) their initials are tattooed on my arm inside a flower where it says just breathe. wish I could show a picture. Anyway, session is a blur cause I guess I dissociated some of it. T also stated at the end of session, "she is sick and tired of me not getting up at the end of session" I tend to linger in my chair and wait for her to get up and open the door. Guess I am on her nerves, and really dont feel like talking to her as much as I have had the urge to call her and leave message like I usually do. I even called and hung up when she picked up the phone and called back to get VM and hung up. I am hurt i guess. Feel like T cant take me so what the F**K ! Nobody can I guess. And the person that isnt talking to me. Well she said HI to me today at AA mtg. I broke into tears in the car though. Couldnt resist and got the tatoo of Let it Go on my wrist of my left arm. 4 total. Got plans for another one to be put on my shoulder. Cover up more scars from cutting.

Sannah · Aug 24, 2011, 12:39 PM

Keep talking to your therapist.........

just2b · Sep 01, 2011, 05:44 PM

Well I have urges to scratch now. I try not to think of it but its hard. I got a previous tattoo touched up. I often wonder if I got the tattoo from being implusive or because I really wanted to get it. Out of the three people that have their initals on a flower none of them were worth telling, I guess I am still disappointed. My T said that we needed to continue our talk about the tattoo well more specifically why i got her initials on my arm, and that this would be an on going talk until its resolved. I dont want to SI anymore, but I miss the intensity of the pain because its so much better than emotional pain. I am sure by the end of Sept I will have a tattoo on my shoulder!