don't know how much more i can take i don't want to be selfish. -trigger?

im still being treated for depression. nothing seems to help. i told myself i was going to commit suicide. i feel like torn between so many thoughts and feelings. people will say i shouldn't, Im only 16 i have so much more of life left. i hurt everyone so much when i tried before so i know i couldn't do that to anyone. i don't know what to do. its been gradually getting worse, i cry all the time, i feel hopeless and so alone. i found out yesterday my grandad has cancer. Im devastated beyond. now not only do i feel so guilty, but i feel trapped and like i can't tell anyone how bad my depression has got. because i don't want to add even more onto how much worry and sadness everything to do with grandad being ill. everyone including me should be focusing on him not on me. i don't no what to do now. I've wanted to do it so badly i feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and life has been a total rollercoaster the whole last year since i was diagnosed. i feel selfish. self harm seems to be the only way i can cope. i can't kill myself i know that, but somehow self harm means i can hurt myself and punish myself and feel and release all the pain. but mum and dad check me now since they saw all my cuts. they've healed butbthe scars are a constant reminder of what a screw up i am. i have to be so careful to hide it now. i feel so trapped and alone. everything is going wrong. i can't get rid of this black cloud which hangs over my head. i don't want to self harm, i want to be ... Im not going to be greedy and say happy, i just want to be content with life. to be able to cope. to not have depression. to not be self centred, to not be selfish, to not make life awful for everyone around me. what do i do!!? i can't be honest with my pdoc or t because i have attempted before and so they'd over react. plus if that happened that would make things worse considering my grandad, hIm especially and everyone else doesn't need that. which can i turn to? why do my parents get mad at me for being depressed?? its not like i control it but they think i do. how do stop myself doing anything i may regret? Im scared of dying, im petrified of doing -that- but when Im at my worst i can't think straight. what do i do??

First of, BREATH. It's one thing that can help. I've been where you are, and I can't do the suicide thing either. No matter how much I want to. What gets me through this hard time, is the simple fact that I know i can't do it. I know how much it would hurt others. And that's my motivation to not think about it. Yes it's hard, and thinking straight doesn't happen. But you can and will get through this.

I doubt that your parents hate you, They just hate what you are doing, and they just don't understand what you are doing. If you need to point them into the direction of research about depression and self-harm. It's not selfish to ask for help when your family is dealing with a health scare. Just tell them you want help, but you need them to learn about what is going on.

My parents still don't quite understand it, and so I go to other people for help. I come here!!!!! Support systems can help.

As far as the hurting yourself to punish yourself, that's me too. But I have been through this all for 6 years now, and I'm doing all that I can to help others, and try and get my mind of my issues/problems.

You are not a screw up. These things happen, and it's hard to understand what is going on but it's not impossible.

If you need to talk about anything, (and I mean anything) I'll be there for you, to help you get through this. It can be done. I've done it several dozen times. and I'm still here.
Again If you need anything, pm me or catch me on chat.

You can do this, you will make it through it. Help will always be given, from me if you need it. I'll be there for you.

I can hear you pain in this note. I no you feel like you have no body to turn to and your scared to turn to the people you should beable to turn to. You feel like your being selfish but have you ever thought about what is triggering you to be depressed? Most people you age don't deal with knowing that someone they love have cancer. Its not being selfish and most parents don't understand it unless a professional can explain it to them. Have you ever thought it would be helpful to ask you T to explain it to them so they understand? You know your on your last strain but sucide is a BIG ISSUE so of course people may over reacted but your life is worth living for. Sometimes you need someone to help you realize why you should fight. I think you to tell your school counselor or your counselor but maybe you can ease into it. Maybe ask your counselor to not over react and to think clearly to stress your concerns about how you feel about feeling selfish and how your family doesn't need the extra stress. Maybe your parents aren't getting mad at the fact you have depression and not you. I stress to you to do something before you get to the point of not caring how you effect your family.

Hurting yourself is never the answer.

Who or what are you really mad at?

Don't turn your anger inward.

Talk to us.

EJ

Wow, your parents being upset with you about your depression would make it really hard. What are you working on with your T now if you don't mind me asking?

Thankyou everyone. Hannah, i don't work on anything with her. i think she's pretty useless but i never say. i just sit there, she asks how i feel, then a few questions with awkward silences in between them. i hate it. Thankyou everyone for being so understanding it means more than you no. Im just trying to keep going. i also found.out yesterday an uncle (i used to know when i was younger butbhavnt seen in years) has also got cancer, but they said there's nothing more they can do, so he went home to die today. this makes me sad, but also makes me even more scared for my grandad who i AM close to. what are the chances!? its like as soon as my depression starts to get better after a horrible year, i find out they've got cancer. its almost as if nothing wants me to get better.

Why aren't you telling your T how you are feeling?

Hmm, a variety of reasons. She's trying to make me agree to "family sessions" as she says there's a "lack of understanding" so if they were more understanding they might be more supportive. But I don't want them so I want her to stop bringing them up. My parents are too critical opinionated and everything for them to help. Also theres the whole not wanting to disappoint people / be selfish/ trying to convince myself that if I convince everyone that it's fine maybe then I can convince MYSELF and believe it.

I saw her today and she says we're meeting dr rai in 3 weeks for our medication review (she asked if I needed it sooner but I just said no) and that she's going to speak to him beforehand as she thinks we should try a different medication because the Sui thoughts seem to be a side effect of the Prozac...

I'm so stressed out with just everything in general, I wish I had more way to escape from everything for a while and just forget about it all. Nothing hardly seems to be able to totally distract me though. x

I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. Here's a few tips I have. Be honest with your doc about how you are feeling on the medication. It took a long time for my doctor to get me on the right meds (especially when I was that age), part of it was because I wasn't honest with them, even on the wrong meds I felt a little better than I was before but the problem was when the depression hit it would drop me lower than ever, but because I was having more times where I felt I was doing 'okay' I didn't let them know.
Second tip, when you are being honest with your T let them know that the idea of suicide is there but you have no intention of going through with it because of the pain it would inflict on others. It just concerns you that those thoughts and feelings arn't going away.
Third tip, do a few family therapy sessions, I know it is scary and everything in you is screaming 'NO', but it will be okay. It took me a long time till I was willing to do that and it really helped because the therapist was able to keep my parents in check, and when they were getting out of line with their way of thinking she would back me up. Her main goal is to be there for you, not for them.
I know it feels like you can't handle this sometimes, but I know you will be able to get through this. Try finding a purpose for your life; it will help you feel better when you are able to help others. No matter how low you've sunk there will always be someone out there who could use someone like you.

Yes!!

Jess, I'm a stay home mom right now but when I go back to work I will be doing therapy (I'm an MSW). My viewpoint on children in therapy is that a person can't get very far without the parent's involvement. Parents set the emotional tone for the household. They are the folks in charge and they are the people who teach their children about emotional health. You aren't emotionally healthy because of what your parents are doing or not doing. Your therapist needs to work with your parents to get you healthier. I'll bet it would be scary but whenever something is scary you have to push forward to overcome it (with a good plan of course!).

my mum told.me she doesn't want to go to them... shows how much she cares huh!! x

Is she willing to just take you there and wait for you? she doesn't have to go back with you.

there'd be no point in a family session where my parents don't want to be there :/ x

Keep in mind this is scary for them to. They probably worry the therapist is going to want them to change also, and fear that someone is going to criticize their parenting. You might try getting your therapist to call your mom and talk with her over the phone. She might be able to convince her of the importance of family sessions.

yeah, my pdoc spoke to her about it and she was all for it and keen to his face, but the second we left she was angry at me and saying she doesn't want to go to them. x

Doesn't surprise me but I don't think it is because she doesn't care. You have emotional problems because your parents have emotional problems or issues. I agree with idog that they are probably also scared. They have avoided getting help all of their lives.

To get better people have to face things that they don't want to face and it can be painful. There isn't any other way, though. I've faced my share of painful things. You face it, feel some pain and then it eventually gets better. Don't stop trying to move forward.

thanks sannah xx