[puzzclar]

I'm afraid, tomorrow after work I have no official obligations, which could mean I could actually take care of myself. I know some people could say this is a good thing, but think of it this way, I already spent three years ago, in a MH days before Christmas, to, Christmas Eve. I don't want to spend the next few days in a MH, but I do know, I need help. I just don't want to go there, but after today, It's my best option. Today, I was within seconds of crashing. I'm afraid and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts??

[nicoleb2]

Well,
I know from experience how much it sucks being in the hospital over Christmas, but at the same time, you have been fighting SO hard to keep yourself safe, if you go to the hospital and spend Christmas there, at least you will have more Christmases. If you don't, that might not happen.

I'm really hoping you can make the choice to get the help you need, and I understand how hard that choice will be.

[eskielover]

Was reading a bit of your blog.......something that struck me was that you don't know where your sui thoughts come from when you were talking with your pdoc. I know exactly what you mean by that because I remember feeling the same way for almost 7 years (1994-1999). Looking back (remember hind sight is 20/20), I realize that stress was definitely a factor (I had just lost my engineering career after 15 years & it was my whole identity & I didn't realize at the time, but also my escape from my bad marriage). Anxiety attacks hit me for about a year before the sui thoughts & depression took over........then when any stressful thing hit a sui attempt was my reaction without even thinking about it......(I filed for a workman's comp case & the depositions & all kinds of things kept hitting me).....Looking back, I remember not knowing where my sui thoughts came from & realize that they actually became a habit.....a triggered response to the stress I was going through. I just wanted out of the life I was in & had no thought that the future could possibly get better. I had somehow very quickly programmed my brain to react with a sui attempt every time something really stressful came up in life because I didn't want to feel that horrible stressful feeling & thought that there was only one way out because there was NO ONE that could change the situation that was bothering me & no one could say anything that would make it better.

It took me several years to even recognize that I was thinking those thoughts before acting on them & at that point I was able to talk to my pdoc & get into the hospital before acting on my thoughts

I'm guessing with you....this time of year is difficult....maybe it's all the finals you have to go through & the stress that you really don't want to deal with....you mentioned a reading disability that makes the classes even more difficult & statistics & physics are definitely NOT easy classes. I was stressed through going to the university & getting my degree, but no mental health issue hit me until I lost my career 15 years later. You indicated that ADHD might be an issue with you also & your profile states depression which can either be from a physical chemical imbalance in the brain or situational depression like I experienced (depression caused by a bad situation in life), & anxiety....again.....can be a chemical thing or it can be caused from a situation & then the reaction becomes the learned way we react to stressful things. Anxiety can be good & bad....a certain level of anxiety helps us perform better....but too much can freeze us in our tracks & just mess everything up.

I can't even remember the number of times I was in the MH between 1994 & 2001. The second year after loosing my career, I had already spent a month in our local MH hospital.....then I spent Thanksgiving & Christmas in an eating disorders treatment center because of anorexia that started from taking Prozac & just seemed like the right thing at the time....no one realized how low my weight really got until it was dangerously low & my pdoc got me into the treatment center immediately & they put a person on me 24/7 for almost a week because I commented that I didn't want to live (1995).

I thought I had pretty much recovered in 2003 & I had definitely gotten rid of my sui attempts & even the thinking about it. Wish I knew the secret as to how it went away....but I really don't know....except with time I was able to reprogram the programming in my mind & it went away. I got brave enough & tried to take some interior design courses at a junior college with my husband (with husband was definitely the wrong thing to do). Unfortunately my mother had been dx'ed with cancer & after about a year of chemo & ratiation & the surgery that summer, that fall hit......& my mother's stupidity in handling her condition caused a bad home care person to get involved who abused her & I ended up involved in the trauma trying to figure out what was going on. Police got involved & it was a horrible traumatic situation I found myself in the middle of. I had just spent 3 weeks 24/7 with my mother in the hospital sleeping in the fold out chair next to her after I got her out of the house after the home care person OD'ed her on her morphine. My mother was so confused about everything that was going on with her & was in complete denial about her cancer since her oncologist said he had "gotten it all" in the surgery.....she just couldn't comprehend the fact that the cancer had spread & she was now dying from it. The trauma hit me so hard that I ended up so exhausted & sick. Anorexia took over again & I landed in the medical hospital over Christmas as I just couldn't get myself to go into the MH that my pdoc was trying to help me with. The medical hospital didn't have a MH ward, so my GP called in an outside psychologist & pdoc to handle the anorexia......they just couldn't get it through their head all the horrible things I had just gone through or about my mother dying of cancer. I was in & out of the hospital for several months at that point.....making arrangements for the hospice care at the nursing home I put my mother into & then she died just after I had to leave to go back in the hospital because of the anorexia & the anemia it was causing. I know that being in the hospital was where I needed to be. I was surrounded by all the support I needed at the time even though I almost missed my mother's funeral because of the anorexia & the pdoc was going to put a hold on me if I refused the central line & IV nutrition.

What all the last years of my life has left me is a very difficult time around Christmas.....it seems like everything bad that has happened in my life has been around this time of year. I no longer fight the sui feelings & hadn't for quite a few years before I finally left my husband in 2007 after my mother died. Life has really become wonderful & I thank God daily that he kept me alive through that horrible time of my life. I struggle with PTSD issues after going through the trauma with my mother & this year it hit even worse because I found out that a very special person in my life that I just met when I moved here a few years ago is also dying of cancer & it major triggered my PTSD issues this last month.

There are probably triggers from your past or some stress level that you reach that is causing you to feel the sui thoughts you are getting. Sounds like you need some help analyzing your thoughts & really grasping onto what your thoughts are. I know, I'm not real good at doing that, but with the DBT group that my psychologist got me involved in this year, I am getting much better at catching the thoughts when they happen & really being in touch with myself so much more than ever before in my life....& I'm 58......so that was a lot of years that I just let it all happen around me without any real awareness of how or why my surroundings really effected me the way they did.

Don't know if you can get involved with a T who works with DBT (Dialectical Behavorial Therapy).....know between that & all the Bible studies that I have gone to that have really opened my eyes tome, my world & all that is around me.

Your pdoc has to have a struggle if you don't know what triggers your sui feelings. They can't do much more than give you meds in hopes that some of the chemical imbalance in your brain will be helped & the thoughts will clear up because of that.....but if they are coming from other triggers that you don't even recognize.....then you definitely NEED TO WORK on coming to a better understanding of your thoughts. I know it's hard & I know for so many years my T just sat there & listened to me yap without any interface....no way was I going to be able to get in touch with feelings I denied even having but in reality were there.

I know I started to feel at times that the hospital was the only safe place for me. I started even feeling comfortable in the private MH that my pdoc had priviledges at. I definitely wouldn't recommend getting to the point of feeling comfortable.....but it's important to be willing to go into the hospital when you really NEED it.......& you need to know if you really need it because no one else can read your mind or know what's going on inside of you.....that is the one thing that only we have to be responsible for. Hope you stay safe over Christmas....take care & do what you have to do to take care of yourself.....your family would definitely rather have you in a safe place they to not have you at all in the future.

Think maybe a different T might be a great help.....the DBT teaches us skills to get through the times in our life when things need to be resolved but we aren't able to because we feel too distressed or our emotions have taken over our rational mind....until we can use our mindfulness (putting together our rational & emotional mind) to work through a resolution to the problems we are experiencing or we are able to radically accept what has happened & go on with out life until something else comes along we need to deal with.

Your priority is to stay safe....if nothing else can help you....then the hospital needs to be where you end up for Christmas. I only wish that I had known about DBT when I was struggling with all my sui attempts & thoughts.....it definitely would have made a huge difference in my life. Hope you can find what will make a huge difference in your life soon to help relieve you of the pain you are feeling.

[puzzclar]

thank you both. It's been a long day, I went to work at 3:20 in the morning, slept a little while the company drove, and then started to work at 5 am. Had a nap on the way back form our location, and have been up ever sense. It's now 12:16 at night, and yes I'm tired but I'm also distracted. On the way back from shopping (my sister drove, and the place we went is a half hour from our home), I had repeated "flashes" of the car going of the road, and not to mention the snow didn't help at all. Now I'm just trying to get through the night.

I do hide my feelings from everyone, because that's what I learned as a kid. I never saw my parents mad, or sad. Just them being them. I had thought that hiding them was a good thing, but now, not so much. It's a good thing to notice, but at the same time, it's putting me in a hard position. The only way I get the feelings out is... well there's writing/journaling but that doesn't do enough anymore. I used music before, and now I just don't play very often.

And it doesn't help that I ordered something online,and it's missing... (sent to the wrong address) I just hope my parents can find and track it down. But I feel like an idiot for not looking... oh wait, that's the programming for ebay.

It's not a good night, or a good past few hours. I just... the only thing that might work is SI. not the best coping skill but for tonight it may just help to keep me some what safe. and tomorrow I'll write more, and try and play music... and see if it will help... I hope... or if needed I"ll call a friend tomorrow night and hope that he can talk.

And do a puzzle, and shovel snow tomorrow morning.

[nicoleb2]

Take care and please keep yourself safe!!

[puzzclar]

I started a puzzle... I just wish it helped a bit more. no one irl knows what really is going on. I haven't told anyone. and what's worse is the snow that has fallen... I don't like driving in the snow, due to the simple fact that my mind wonders to sui more often. Most likely due to the second night when this depression/sui stuff started. That night I wanted to drive into the creek on the way home after telling a friend and co-worker about what had happened as I was making a sandwich for someone. It was a bad night, and it's stuck in my memory all these years. It could be a conditioned response... I don't know.

I did find a DBT book at the library, and I hope I can get myself to use the book.... Right now, movies are a distraction... only a tiny one. I'll try reading later, and maybe music... but it's getting myself to do these things which makes it really hard... I will be with friends tonight, and it may distract me.... I just don't want to tell anyone what's going on.

[Sannah]

[puzzclar]

It's Christmas here, or it has been for 40 minutes. I was just going to bed, but just needed to vent to make it through the day. I did things for my sister, and help make food for tomorrow. And that portion of the day was good. But then we went Christmas light hunting for the best one in our area, and part way in, thoughts of si and sui and of hospitalizations past started to run. And the two hospitalizations have been running through my mind. I've tried to do things that I did there to try and help myself. But it's not working. I have to stay out of the hospital, I have to be there for my sister. It's the only thing that is keeping me from helping myself. and what's worse is she has no Idea!! I've been hiding this from her, just to stay away from the hospital, but it's tearing me up. I can't do this, and I can't tell her on Christmas day, I just can't do that. I don't know where the strength is going to come for tomorrow, but hopefully seeing other people besides family will help. Other than that... I don't know what to do anymore, when not much is working, but at least distractions are keeping my mind busy. But tomorrow will be crazy... I'm not looking forward to it. I really should be in the hospital for a few days, and be ready to work come Saturday for my 8 days of work (almost full time) and then school starts. It's how it should be, but I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. I'm scared to even bring it up with my sister. and besides, I've been through 2 weeks now, and no change... none... Distractions work for a time... but when they stop... what do I do??

[Sannah]

How are you doing now Puzzclar?

[puzzclar]

As long as I don't zone out while driving, I'll be okay. Exercise helps... but the gym has limited hours this week, which doesn't help. I will be driving for 45 min one way and then working, and then driving back home. The driving scares me, so I will be calling a friend, using my blue tooth for my phone.

I got some additional work hours,I just hope it's enough of a distraction. I still want pain. I still want to do something that will help, I should be helping myself, instead, I am working, and being there for my sister. But I don't have time to get help for myself. and I honestly hate that part. I'm starting to want to get help, but I have things I need to get done.... like working for money to pay rent.

At this time I am trying to make part of my life like being there in the hospital, but without being there. Like working on puzzles, reading, therapy (by myself), learning more skills through DBT.... I just hope things improve... and exercise continues to help... it's the only thing I enjoy right now.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

But I don't have time to get help for myself. and I honestly hate that part. I'm starting to want to get help, but I have things I need to get done.... like working for money to pay rent.

Another way of looking at this is: If you don't get help now, before things are really, really bad, you will not be working for longer.

Taking care of you, getting help for yourself is as important as helping anyone else. You can't help anyone if you aren't around.

(I know, I am a total hypocrite about this, but it's easier to suggest it than to actually implement it in my own life...)

[puzzclar]

This is one of those, I really didn't want to see replies. But after today....... the sui thoughts returned, and then I saw an attempted on a movie. and it looked good, but also it didn't. I know it's getting bad, and I'm not giving myself the attention that I need. I have work tomorrow, I should be calling a friend right about now, and hoping he helps me to do what I really need to do.... call one of my treatment team.... But the simple fact is, I'm scared, I don't want to hear that or see one of the treatment team.

I keep doing things to distract myself, It's working... but the desires are not disappearing. I'm almost afraid of the only thing that would get me to get the help that I need. Or who could get the help I need.

I'm stubborn and that makes it very hard. The first hospitalization I was able to make the call myself. The second, others had to help me. And now the Third possible time.... who knows what would help me to get the help I need, or what would have to happen... The first time, I said I was never going back. and then I went back. The second, I really didn't want to go, but I was having problems walking, so I went... And now I"m really stubborn.

[nicoleb2]

I can understand the stubborness, and not wanting to go back to the hospital.

I hope that you can stay safe!

[Sanada]

((((puzzclar)))).

I am so sorry you spent time in hosp puzz over a Christmas period.

I will be here when you need to talk (I am in uk so time diff will delay replies sometimes).

Its new year almost now.........

Happy new year Puzzclar.

(as for fear, I guess I am scared to puzz, I dont really know how I deal with it, I have to just face myself, look at my reflection in the mirror. I dont need a mirror btw to look at my soul. I look and ask my self a question - 'am I afraid', yes, - 'how do I deal with this', I keep to my values inside. I guess thats how I deal with this emotion).

Take Good Care Puzz.
(i hoped this helped in any way)

S

[Sannah]

[puzzclar]

I'm not okay, I'm not asking for help, I'm just tired of dealing with the thoughts, and potential actions. My head hurts, I still have to work the next few days, unless actions are taken either for good, or bad. I hate this. I should make dinner, and try and read, to distract myself... I have to do something that will help.... since nothing is working.

[puzzclar]

nothing is working, It's new years eve, and I want somethings I Can't have. I'm trying to stay as safe as I can, but honestly I'm scared. I want help, but I also need to work, and I don't want to tell my family at all, so asking for professional help is out. unless something else happens. i really don't know what to do. I'll admit, I need help, but I don't want to seek it, since it would mean owing people money, and not having enough for me. grrrrrrrrr.

I finally contacted my friend, and the only way that he will help is to take me to the hospital..... I want to talk about what is going on, but I just can't talk to people about it. Or they may know how serious that it really is. I have one week of work, and then school starts. The best 4 days to go in to the hospital would be Monday through Thursday, That way I only miss 3 days of work. But I really don't want to go in to the hospital, or tell my family that things have gotten worse. I can't do this alone anymore, and I don't have someone to talk to about this. NO ONE!!! I am alone in the real world. I'm not alone here, people understand here, but at the same time, I feel so alone. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, to nothing. What can I do, when there is no one that will listen and talk back to me??

[nicoleb2]

your friend is worried about you, and it sounds like trying to force you into a decision you don't want to make, but it really sounds like a decision you need to make. Obviously, nobody can make that choice but you. I really hope you make that choice though

[puzzclar]

I'll post later, about what ever choice I make... but I'm going to bed, before midnight... so Happy New year.... may it be with less si/sui thoughts... I hope.

[Sannah]

How are you doing Puzzclar?

[puzzclar]

After... how many days of work... I get a day off, and then get called in to work... so much for a day off... Sunday for sure.
Besides that, I thought of calling my doc about what's going on with the sui/si thoughts increasing, but didn't. I got off work about 2, and the office closed at 5... and being tired after a few days of working really early. I just didn't want to do anything after that. Which could be bad, and could be good....

I think I know one thing that is adding to my stress level... the lack of financial stability. I"m a student, and I work part time. Right now I am trying to take care of my bills before I can even see people about what's been going on... I just hope that the next week goes very quickly and then I can see pdoc and t.

I just hope I can make it the next 6 days, I'm just scared that something will happen that will lead me to a place I don't want to be. That's the fear that comes with me, to work, when relaxing, when doing nothing, when trying to study, when doing anything. That fear I just hope keeps me away/here... if that even makes sense.