[greenfairy]

one one one cuz you left me and
two two two for my family and
three three three for my heartache and
four four four for my headaches! and
five five five for my lonely and
six six six for my sorrow and
seven seven nonono tommorrow and
eight eight i forget what eight was for! and
nine nine nine for a lost god and
ten ten ten ten for everything everything everything everything
-violent femmes

12 years since i've been bad.
one way to live with this pain. survive it.

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) what are you counting?

[tamzinrose]

Is that how long you've been SIing?

[greenfairy]

wanted to hurt myself so much yesterday. . . i didnt. finally slept and in my nightmare there was someone coming for me and all i had to do was stay completely covered, every inch of my body and i'd be safe. and i thought i was but i had left my shoulder bare. and it was this awful thing that sucked my spirit out through my shoulder and i woke screaming. theres been this phantom smell, i cant clean it away and my husband keeps telling me theres nothing there, just the windex and pine sol and furniture polish but i smell dead leaves, and this morning it ripped me to pieces and i was on the floor of my hallway retching, barely made it to the toilet. dry heaving and retching. and when i dont punish myself god is punishing me, taking away the things i need most, leaving me alone in this place. and i'm hanging on by this really thin thread and its so frayed, ready to break at any moment. called my pdoc and told her about what was happening and she agreed to see me asap and i know it means more meds but i guess thats okay. just want to keep it together. counting the ways to hurt myself cause when i do all the pain in my mind recedes. . .it gets so quiet and peaceful. cause its me doing it. cause i'm in control. keep telling my husband that god will find a way to punish me anyway. i just need to get through the days.

(((((((((greenfairy))))))))))

I'm sooo soo sorry you are having such a hard time. You are in my thoughts and prayers friend.

[greenfairy]

thank you esthersvirtue. sometimes i feel like i'm screaming in water, no one can hear me. such a very lonely day. i feel like theres noone i can trust. . . seems like everyone always has a hidden agenda, and when i discover it i am so angry with myself for opening up and trusting, so hurt for not knowing any better, and i just want to tear myself to shreds. i had an honest conversation with my mother recently , and am so thankful for once i trusted my instincts. parents have beeen telling me to leave my husband, that hes no good for me and cant take care of me. they were preying on my weakness and fears for my children. i kept hammering away at my mom, holding my ground, saying but where would we go. and finally the truth. . .well, she says, its not like we would get you your own place to live. they wanted me to leave him and move back into that hell. i knew better. but i'm hurting myself, angry that i listened, that i even considered it in the first place. today was my ten year anniversary and i spent it alone. as the day wore on i couldnt shut the thoughts out of my head. not today. why today. i've made so many mistakes lately. opened up to the wrong person. i fear i'm rambling now. havent been able to sleep. when i do the nightmares are terrifying and i wake just wanting to bleed myself dry. sorry feeling sad and down. didnt want to be alone today.

Sounds like its your parents that did the hurtful harmful thing. There is a pureness and sweetness in the ability to trust. I'm sorry your parents and others have taken advantage of that. No need to turn that anger in on yourself. Take care.

[greenfairy]

such a bad night. . . finally slept a few hours and the nightmares were terrifying. then this morning i woke up to such a serious smack in the face. this person who exited my life recently texts me a message that makes no sense and i respond what are you talking about and i get this message back, oops that wasnt meant for you. i feel ill. literally. just another youre meaningless i dont want you youre worthless and they actually texted "youre still among the living?" like they were hoping i wouldnt be. people are so cruel and i am so angry right now i want to cut myself to shreds to shut my brain off. sorry for the early morning venting. husband has a court date this friday for his license suspension, i need to get him a lawyer and tonight i return to my evil crappy miserable job. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! i have a bruise on my face this morning and dont even remember how i got it. i'm so seriously losing my mind.

[greenfairy]

people are so cruel. . .say things to hurt you when theres already so much pain. just needed some time to get on my feet and then its like knockdown, bam, hows that? all i wanted was a few days. . . just some time to heal, and couldnt get it. couldnt get just one day free of so much meanness and heartache. i know i've made mistakes but why do i have to keep paying over and over. just a day. thats all i want. one day of peace.

[heartspace]

For what it's worth, I'm wishing peace for you.

[Fuzzybear]

You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie, please be good to you ((((((((((((((greenfairy)))))))))))))))

[saveme]

GREENFAIRY
2 yeats... then yesterday. yesterday was superficial. You count one to ten - reasons I have too.... I'm stil trying to reason my other 190+. I don't do it to be bad. It hurts so much inside (no one can see that pain)... but blood can be seen and when I bleed I know I hurt. The severity of the trauma of my childhood (or lack thereof), of lost family, of abuse, of my children being taken from me (after rasing them for 10 years)....more than I can bear. I EXIST to be there from visit to visit. I lost hope the day my children wree taken away because I was diagnosed manic-depressive....I'm still trying to find the reason to pick it back up. I hope I can claim 12 years some day like you. Can a person that hs known nothing but pain from childhood through 30, ever find there is other?