[gon3withth3wend]

I'm not sure where to say this because I have no diagnosis, and no therapist, and I just need to vent and really hope someone listens to me.

I was already just having a terrible day today because I had a terrible one yesterday. Last night I spent at least an hour cutting myself on my hip, and was in terrible physical pain throughout the night. Then I woke up today and was in deep pain all through the day. I couldn't do anything comfortably or think straight. My mind was so cloudy. I had a lot to do when I got home, but I couldn't do it. I just got home, laid on the couch, and ate a bunch of junk. Seven hours passed. Nothing done. The chapters of the book I need to read, not touched. Test I have to study for, not done. Instrument practice, not done. Homework, of course I haven't glanced at it. All I got accomplished was laying down, feeling upset about throwing away my razor blades last night, picking apart a new one, and cutting more, and crying and laying on the floor feeling worthless. I'm already in a terrible mood. My family comes home and starts yelling at me for being lazy. They said some things that really got to me. Mind you, I've been feeling bad these past few weeks for my cutting. I can't believe I've done this to myself, and I've permanently damaged my body, and I can't hardly remember what lead me to make the first cut. I really want to be beautiful, but I'm ruining everything. And this feeling of hating myself for cutting makes me want to do it more. But I threw away the new blades I picked out from my razor also, so cutting more would mean work that I don't want to do. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to talk to my family, and I don't want to live. I suck. I keep on doing everything to ruin my life. Good things have been happening in my life very recently, I realize that. It just doesn't matter to me. Nobody understands and nobody cares.

Then my mom comes and decides she wants to talk about sexual abuse that I told her about years ago. She thinks that must be why I'm so upset. I was hardly even thinking about that. Like, it always is kind of in the back of my mind, but BAM, with one word, she puts it right in the center of my mind. Now I really can't think. Now I'll really get nothing done. And now I feel like crap, I look like crap, and I'll have a terrible day tomorrow too. Why does my mom always make everything worse, and why does everyone in my house just go on being happy and laughing when I'm alone in my room feeling terrible? My parents always say "Why can't you control the emotions" and they just keep on pushing me harder with everything. I can't do any of it, and I don't want to. All I ever do is make a fool of myself and let people down. I don't know what to do. I just want to talk, but I can't talk to anyone in my house. I couldn't talk to anyone I know. Their expectations are too high. I'm supposed to be better than I really am. The only person that kind of cares is my little brother, but I don't want to talk to him because I don't want to disappoint him. I'm just so fed up with being everyone's burden.

[Lauru]

I just wanted to let you know that you are so NOT alone. I have a similar history to yours what with past abuse and depression and cutting. I have found help from a psychiatrist and a therapist to be crucial to my survival. Without it I would have killed myself a long time ago. Please know there are people here who care. I care, even though I don't know you, I care about you and what you are going through. Please, please get help, either by talking to your parents or by getting it on your own. I don't know how old you are, but if you attend school or college, you can let a counselor there know what is going on so they can help you get help. please get help and give yourself a chance to feel better.

[Tsuki632]

Sounds like depression to me.

I'm sorry you feel so crappy right now.

I don't know much about self harm but I've heard snapping an elastic on your wrist sometimes works. You feel the pain but no real injury.

I've been told that cutting is a physical expression of what you're feeling. That's always made sense to me.

Good for you for getting rid of the blades.

My guess is that you are beautiful no matter what scars you may have.

Do you have a good GP? From the sounds of it you need some help and support. It's not an easy road on your own.

I don't know your parents but it sounds like they don't understand mental illness at all. It's not as simple as controlling your emotions. It's not your fault

[LostMom3]

I agree with everything Lauru said. You need to talk to someone that can get you help. Counselors are always willing to listen in school, from my experience. You are more than welcome to continue posting here and talking to us too. Please seek help from someone in real life. A therapist saved my life one time, and made me see that there is so much to live for even when I feel that bad.

[gon3withth3wend]

I won't talk to school counselors about my problems. For many reasons. I had a bad experience with one in elementary school, plus I don't really like mine, and last time I talked to her in an academic meeting, I was talking about how fortunate I am in my life and how great my family is. I think I probably should have gotten help a long time ago, but I never really did, and now, looking to graduation and college, everything is going terribly because the worse I feel, the worse I do in school, and I have no explanation. So I don't always tell her the truth.

I had another therapist that I had to stop seeing for a while because of my parents. I actually felt like going to see her over the summer, but I don't know if I feel comfortable talking to her. I am very used to lying about how I feel when talking to someone face to face. I just act so differently with people than I do by myself or when I'm at home, and I'll have a really hard time with that. I think my parents are going to let me go back next month, as long as I finish the quarter well at school.

Does it make sense that I know I should probably get help, and that I sometimes want it, but I really just wish I could control everything by myself? I don't understand why I can't seem to feel any better just over time by myself. I shouldn't need to make my parents pay money for me to maybe feel better, or to just lie to my therapist.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

My parents always say "Why can't you control the emotions" and they just keep on pushing me harder with everything. I can't do any of it, and I don't want to. All I ever do is make a fool of myself and let people down.

GWTW, sounds like you are in a downward spiral. Getting your T back would be such a good thing to do and really talking to her about what is going on.

You can't "control your emotions". If this is what you were taught, no wonder you are having issues. We have feelings because we are human and we respond to our environment. You are having a valid response to your environment. This response needs to be worked through, not controlled. Can you get your T any sooner? Having a T will help you get through this school year.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I think my parents are going to let me go back next month, as long as I finish the quarter well at school.

Does it make sense that I know I should probably get help, and that I sometimes want it, but I really just wish I could control everything by myself? I don't understand why I can't seem to feel any better just over time by myself. I shouldn't need to make my parents pay money for me to maybe feel better, or to just lie to my therapist.

I hope your parents let you go back.

It totally makes sense to me about your last paragraph. I think too, that because you have been told/asked why can't you control your emotions...it may be sinking in and you think that you should be in control. Problem is, (at least for me) is that the more you try to control them, the more out of control they get. Anyway, I hope that things somehow work out for you, and I hope my reply is okay.

Please keep us updated, I am thinking of you.

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks you all. As far as good news goes, I'm scheduled to see my therapist next week. I hope that this will be the start of better things.

[greyclouds]

((Hugs)) you are not alone and can relate to a lot of what you say,

Good luck with your t hope it helps.

[gon3withth3wend]

Cool news, my T had a cancellation and I got to go in today. Bad news is I feel worse now than I did before I went in. My T is really nice. I just feel like I have these two layers where my inner layer feels. And it feels like crap. Like a heavy boulder scraping against pavement and crumbling. And the outer layer feels nothing. And I wish they would match, so I cut myself to try to get them to match, but it isn't working. And no matter how I try to get my outside to match the pain I feel on the inside, I can't. So now I feel stuck.

Ughh why do I come back from the T and feel so much worse than right before. I didn't feel nearly this bad a few hours ago. It's early but think I should just go to sleep. I bet I'll wake up feeling better.

[Tsuki632]

I often feel worse temporarily after sessions with my doc because she makes me deal with uncomfortable things. Things I won't or can't tackle on my own.

I hope you feel better soon

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I just feel like I have these two layers where my inner layer feels. And it feels like crap. ... And the outer layer feels nothing. And I wish they would match, so I cut myself to try to get them to match, but it isn't working. And no matter how I try to get my outside to match the pain I feel on the inside, I can't. So now I feel stuck.

This is very insightful. I hope that you share this with your T. I would think that discussing your inner layer with your T is what is going to be helpful.

I agree with Tsuki that talking about this stuff in therapy can make you feel worse but this is the route to gettting better.