Rage

Unadulterated rage that consumes all thoughts. I am surviving it, barely. Feelings that I never allowed myself to feel. Feelings that I locked away behind bars of scars just so that existance could continue. Afraid that the world and those I love wouldn't be able to handle the anger. So very afraid. But I don't want to do this anymore. It would be better for my husband to leave me then for me to continue to lie on my son's bed and dream of my son's craft knife and the damage it could do. This is saying a lot, coming from a person with BPD. That I would rather him leave then to continue hurting myself to block my rage to keep the relationship that creates the rage. Notice, no mention of me leaving him, ha ha.

I haven't hurt myself since October. I got a few alprazolam from my doctor to use as the need arises. The need. I woke up this morning, opened my eyes, and the need was already there. I haven't taken a pill today though. I don't want to block the anger anymore. I tired of this. I want it to go away but it can't go, can't heal, until I feel it.

We have an appointment on wednesday, my husband and I. It is for me, always for me because I am the one who is "sick". It is funny. I don't feel sick. Just angry. EXTREMELY ANGRY. The problem is I have no idea what is the appropriate way to express this anger. I have never learned how to express this level of rage...without breaking things. When we go to the appointment, I will get help confronting my husband about his gambling. Oh, I have told him "don't do it any more." Ha ha. That is so funny. I have been upset with him. I have even yelled at him (after which he walked out of the house and left me alone to which I responded by the only means I knew how). Things are better now, he is a good man. I remind myself this as the rage runs through me. Like a mantra. Things are better now. He is a good man. Of course this only manages to make me feel guilty about being mad at him. But if I don't remind myself, I want to leave, which leads to thoughts of suicide. Weird. It doesn't make sense. I think I could handle him leaving me. When I think about it I feel a sense of relief...just before the fear kicks in. When I think about leaving him I just feel afraid. Why would that be?

Anyway, just have to make it through to Wednesday 10:00 and all will be revealed. He will know how pissed I am, deep down to my core. Will the world end. I really doubt it. Will I come to an end. Catherine won't let me. She will catch me if I fall. She will stop me if I cross the line. She will help me determine the appropriate expression of this anger to my husband. I am afraid, however, that I will click out, dissociated into nothingness. That will %#@&#! me off. I slipped away during my last individual appointment. It was the first time in ages that I went out so far and had to drag myself back with a thick tongue and fuzzy head. She had mention confronting my husband. My fear is so great I went away. I have had a couple of weeks to think about it now. Like getting used to the water before diving in I guess. Now he has messed up again. I don't know if he blew the money he took from the checking account on gambling. It doesn't matter. Not anymore.

I better go eat. My head hurts.
Zen

I am listening (((( Zen ))))

Welcome back, Zen! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Sorry to hear about your current struggles though. I think I understand about the feelings about your husband leaving, but fear about you leaving him. I dream of freedom and independence and being on my own, not because my husband does something wrong (usually), but because I long to know what it would be like to be free and in charge of my own destiny. But I don't want to leave him. I don't want it to be my fault. If it were his fault, and his decision, then I could deal with it.

It might take you being willing to leave to get him to face and deal with his gambling addiction though. You have been the healthy one for quite some time now, and you deserve credit for that, and you deserve a healthy relationship and some peace in your life. He's not going to leave. He has it too good. Maybe if Catherine can help you to say that you've had enough and you can confront him with a choice between being honest and facing his problems with your support, or being left to deal with it on his own, he'll see the light and recognize that he could actually lose you if he doesn't change.

TC, and please let us know how it goes.

Rap

Thanks Rapunzel and Fuzzybear. I just needed someone to talk too. The person I really should be talking too is my husband but he is the cause of this and after 20 years of different variations of the same conversation it seems so darn pointless. I took a xanax this morning because I was being atrocious to my son. I tried to tell him that I felt bad, and the caring empathic person that he his, he asked me what was wrong. I can't tell him that his dad is a jerk. I figured it was time to put feelings on hold just to make sure my son felt loved. So right now I am feeling ok. Sedated and calm. I think I will keep it this way until tomorrow. Question is should I take one before the session? I want to work through the real feelings but if I don't take the edge off it might end up being too much and I might slip into the fuzzy place and not feel anything at all. It is hard to discuss stuff in session when you aren't there. What do you think?

Now I have to head to work. I hope I don't break anything today. Or make as many mistakes as I made yesterday. Sigh.

Thanks again. I know I have been gone a long time. It is so nice to be able to come back and get a hug from you two. **tears spring up in Zen's eyes** It really means a lot.
Love ya,
Zen

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}} it has been so incredibly long! You've been missed.

I'm sorry you're having problems with your husband, but I am more worried about you and how all this affects you.

You need to get this festering anger out so that healing can begin if that is possible. Most importantly, take care of yourself, please.

Mary Alice

Mary Alice,
I am trying to take care of myself. It is hard though. I think I am going to spend tonight just vegging instead of doing all those nifty self care things we are told to do.

The Xanax I took this morning helped considerably. It turned off my brain for a few hours. Now that the drug has worn off, my brain has kicked back in and I haven't yet entered the destructive circular thinking I am proned to get stuck in. I am starting to be able to sort out the emotions of NOW and the emotions of THEN. It is going to be important to know which is which tomorrow.

NOW emotions are: Fear of losing everything to his gambling, anger at his not sticking to the agreement we made after I found out about the last bit of gambling, and frustration that I allowed myself to enter into the same old pattern instead of going straight to marriage counseling.

THEN emotions are: Fear of being left, pain of being alone, guilt for being an abusive mother, anger about being treated has nothing other the a F-puppet (sorry about that wording but it is where the real rage comes from), anger at him eating at restaurants with other women (co-workers) while my young child and I made due with ramen and pancakes. I can go one but I am getting tired of typing and don't want to get the thoughts going again, but you get the general gist of it.

Tomorrow at 10:00 I will be with my therapist whom I trust to be fair with BOTH of us. She will help us come up with a plan of action to deal with this. I trust that she will help Chris realize just how much this needs to change and that it is in his best interest to change it. It is going to be ok.
Zen

The appointment went...

Hubby recognized his behavior predated our relationship and is seeing that he needs to treat me as his wife not his mother. Some one to be a partner with instead of someone to get around. No solutions to the problem but at least we are starting to lay the foundation to finding the solution.

My homework for this week is letting go of the anger in healthy ways. The beginning of that is accepting that it is safe to let go of it. Catherine assured me that she will hold the reasons for that anger for me. She won't let the problem be swept under the mat. It reminded me of one of my bedtime excercises. Sometimes when I am having troubles sleeping because I am upset about something I will say to myself "It is ok to let it go right now so you can sleep. I promise you I will remember to be upset about this in the morning. But right now you need to rest so that tomorrow we can put all that much more energy into being pissed about it." It works. I rarely have problems getting to sleep after that talk. So basicially Catherine gave me the same permission to let it go so I can have more energy to put a really strong effort in the solution to this situation.

But how do you let go of something so huge that you carry scars all over your body for it?

I have been working outside, deadheading a rhodedendron that hangs over my fence from the neighbors yard. Every year I deadhead the half on my side. I tell it what a lovely plant it is and how I wish it was growing in my yard so that I could feed it. Every year it grows further out into my yard, lavishing flowers petals on my lawn. While on the other side, in the neighbors yard there are few flowers to be seen. Maybe it is something like that. Removing the old emotions with loving care will help new beautiful ones to come out and flourish. If I don't remove the dead blossoms then there is little room for the new ones to grow. I don't know. Just prattling on.
Zen

((((((((((Carrie)))))))) I think you are right on with the flower analogy.

Good to see you back. You were very kind to me when I first arrived at PC -- let me know if I can help you out any in return.

Love, Candy