pain

I played some racketball, and got hurt, but the pain felt realllly goood. I want more.... It felt good, and what's worse, is the fact that there is snow on the roads, which increases my anxiety level, no matter what I do. The one thing that could help is pain. right now, it's the thing I want, but can't have.... due to having someone else around. And so I'm on here, and trying to find some way to get what's in my head, out.... but it's not working. I want pain.

You can try something harmless, like popping a rubberband or holding ice helps some people. Also you could write in a stream of consciousness and just don't stop for 5-10 minutes and write everything that pops into your head. Then you can rip it up and throw it away. You say you play racquetball, maybe you could exercise when you feel like you need to hurt yourself/feel pain.

These are things I've been told to do that have helped me occasionally. We're here for you and totally know what you're going through. Keep posting.

Nomad

Got a phone call from my boss, asking me to drive in the winter weather. and since then anxiety has been high. which leads to me wanting pain. wanting something to end the feelings. Tonight is not going to be easy, just like this afternoon....

I was driving and then all of a sudden I had to break really quick, felt like I wasn't all there. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. Don't know what exactly to do.

Try to relax. Take a hot shower or bath if you can. Listen to music. I know how it is with the driving thing. Driving makes my anxiety go way up as well, especially when the roads are bad. Stay calm. None of us want you to get hurt/hurt yourself. Much love.

Nomad

Do you live in an area that always has snow? Did you get in an accident once and this is why you fear driving in snow?

back on the last day of 2010, I was on a highway, and did a 360, with my parents in another car in front of me. And not to mention all of the destructive things that I keep seeing in my head (like falling with ice, car crashes, other harmful things)

Last winter their wasn't much snow, but this year, it's been snowing more often.

I hate those awful thoughts that go through your head when you play out tragic or disaster scenes in your mind the best way to conquer it to tell yourself it wont happen ! WE are in charge not our thoughts

Think of all the times that you did drive in the snow and you were fine. And you weren't hurt with that 360?

correct not physically harmed, but it did leave a mental scar.

Anyway.... It's been about a week, since I wanted to si. And now after all that I have been through... okay I'm just going nuts. I have to tell someone, it might as well be here with all of you.

Had to take a friend into the behavioral unit, and now I'm having to deal with the fall out. What I mean...... okay, I knew exactly how he was feeling, and then after I left him, I went immediately to a band rehearsal. Afterwards, I was going to practice for a little bit, before I realized that I hadn't checked my mail. I then looked over the edge of a second floor, big mistake.... I can't even type what was going through my head. then the next day, I went up to see him, only to be back there and find out that he had been transfered....... now I can't get a hold of him.... but what is worse is how I am feeling now. I wanted to si tonight, but got distracted, still want to, if only just to deal with all of the thoughts of how my friend is doing.

Tried to work out earlier, which helped for a bit, but everything has been just adding on to each other. I've been distracting myself as best as I can, but well, it's just not working. SI is the best option, and yet I still can't due to lack of opportunity.

I'm just trying to get through the next few days. Oh and on top of all this, I wont see my T until next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh and to add to it, things are coming from my past that I just can't deal with. Boy do I hate my life right now.

thanks for reading.

I really hope you're doing okay. Keep posting and letting us know how you are. Keep distracting yourself and try to relax.

I don't want you to hurt yourself, and neither does anyone else here.

Nomad

I read your post, if that helps, someone else reading your posts, i don't quite understand what you're deling with are you a person that cuts themselves when they want to feel pain, i'm lost for words when people i've met in the hospitals do that. I met someone who was so young and was doing such a thing. i'll never understand it but would like to as it's always bothered me that I couldn't help someone who would do such a thing.Do you have a reason you could remembr, maybe a abusive person in your life? Well i hope you yourself could find a place to get help and therapy. avlady

I've thought about cutting, but I've chosen something that doesn't leave a scar, only leaves an infection, but gives pain.

I've distracted myself, but I haven't actually dealt with anything that has happened this past week. my T was out of the office this past week, needless to say I havent' talked about what has been in my head, or the things that I have learned about myself. I'm just not willing to talk about what I have learned, it's just to painful. yet how can I put it in words.

Oh and to top everything off, my alarm hasn't been going off, to get me out of bed... It was off by 12 hours.. no wonder why it wasn't going off.

I'll continue to distract myself, until I can actually talk about what's been in my head.

I'm so glad that you have plans to talk about what is going on with you.

And to make my life more entertaining, lets increase a medication.

I can't focus, its like being ADD, I"m reading things twice, driving is being affected, and I'm forgetting what I was just doing like two seconds ago...

Not sure how to cope with this all... since all I want to do right now is punish myself for having these symptoms, even if it's just being caused by a medication... AHHHH need to scream... but need to study... but need relief.... can't have all of those at once.... need to find something to help... or be able to get through to pdoc, and get in quick.

I hope you get this settled Puzzclar.

Me too... only it will have to wait until tomorrow when I see my T... he went over with someone before me so I got scheduled. When I told him, he acted like a little kid at Christmas... made me laugh, but still uncomfortable at sharing what I discovered. It's just personal, but he does have a way to lessen the blow of the topic, which does help... and then I need to study... and study a lot... Aggg the life of a student.

Good luck with your session.

Well that ended up being a very overwhelming session. For the first time in months, I was suicidal, but I also know what things to say, and which ones to leave out. Things started out just fine, like normal, and then I started to talk about some of the things that I remembered from my childhood, leading up to how I SI.... Talked about quite a bit, but in the end, it was too much. I started to shake a little bit, but some how managed to stay upright. I was scared, and at least my T knew how to respond. Then "Hillary" came back. She's still with me know, just on mute, I just am scared that she will take over again, like in the past. and that it will be too much for me to deal with. And Fluffy (a stuffed animal) speaks to me. I was suppose to study today, but that hasn't happened since I worked very early this morning. On 2 hours of sleep. Haven't really slept well, except for on the way back from work (3 hour drive, and no I was not driving) And then slept as soon as I got back.

Things aren't great, all I want to do is SI, and find new ways to do so. At least it's better then sui... I should be looking at putting together a reading schedule... but I just don't have the mind power to do so.

T did almost want to take me in to the Behavioral unit... but I pulled it together.. some how. And now I have to deal with a friend coming home from the VA mental health area... need to be strong enough to handle that situation... AHHHHHHHHH.

Any advice or any tips are accepted. I just don't know how much of this I can take, before I crack. I will see T again on Tuesday, and Thursday this week, and I have a Seeking Safety group On Wednesday.. along with classes, and reading, and trying to get this all in order. I really hate this.

Can you call your T?

Not much of a phone person. when it comes to times of crisis. I have classes all day. Didn't want to get up, or even drive to campus, but I did. Had to force myself to do it. Now it's almost class time and I just want to run and hide.... and then SI. but I know I wont have the opportunity. Here's to trying to study.

I really hate obligation... I'd rather be in bed. I did SI... but I still feel the same. Nothing changed. And yet I still want to do it again... I guess now it's an addiction, but not si anymore. I don't know what to do to get rid of this sinking feeling of nothingness.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I can relate on a few levels. I know one thing that helped with my si when I lived up north was to go sit in the cold for a bit... no jacket. It helped give me the same "shock" to the system that si would do for me. Just be careful and don't stay out too long...
also, since you are not much of a phone person, can you email with your T? At one point, I had worked that out with my T when I was having trouble voicing what I needed to say. If it was something that I needed her to read asap, I was able to "page" her through her voice mail, and she would check it. It helped me say things I could not speak out loud. It also gave me the chance to go back and revise what I thought I had communicated poorly (which I often feel I do when speaking about difficult things).
Just some thoughts. Hope the SI lessens for you. It's a tough battle...

Tomorrow happens to be my birthday... I've been asked what I want but there's nothing that I really need, or even want. I"ll be spending most of my day alone, if people let me. I just need a day to myself. To just figure out everything. a lot of things have been on my mind.

But at the same time, I"m at a hard spot.... I just don't know what else to do anymore. SI didn't help this last time, I almost want to try a different method, but is that really going to help.

I don't know what else to do. Tomorrow is all about me... but I just can't stand feeling this way, or trying to act like everything is okay to everyone. Now its time for sleep to work for a few hours tomorrow.