[madmusican]

I was here a few years ago but am really struggling recently. Had six years free from self harming, but last few months I have been injuring more and more. Got sent home from work last week after breaking down and someone noticing one of my cuts.

Feel like a complete idiot and don't know what to do. Have asked for help from someone at work, but don't know if I should. Can't go back to docs as they put me on meds every time I go about my anxiety or depression, and everything I have tried just makes the urges to self harm even worse. Plus I don't want them to send me to hospital again. I had to spend two weeks in there last time, on constant 15 minute watches day and night.

Sorry for posting, just I am really scared and just don't know what to do :-(

[adam_k]

I'm sorry your struggling so bad. Six years is a long time and you should be proud of that. Can you fix the issues that made you start again?

It was 8 years for me and then everything started to fall apart in my life and I started again to cope. I try to fight the urges but I have them constantly. Do you know what triggers you? And can you avoid the things that do?

For me it is mainly my depression and feeling down. Self harm makes it somewhat bearable for a while when I feel down, but then makes it worse later. Now I have fresh scars to remind me of what I was feeling. Does therapy help you, or maybe a close friend that you can confide in so things seem less overwhelming?

I hope things improve for you.

[madmusican]

I feel so crap about starting again. Been getting lots of pressure at work over past few months and major upheaval but I know my job is safe. Makes me frustrated with myself that I can start again so easily.

I am trying to confide in a friend at work but finding it really tough. Not seeing them until Monday now at the earliest and am worried.

Sorry

[adam_k]

I think for some people it is easy to start again because it works, even if it is only temprory. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. You may have slipped up, but you are just trying to cope with things. Excluding my therapist I was never able to talk to anyone about self harm. I just thought most people wouldn't get it. I hope your friend is supportive and understanding. It sounds like that is what you need right now.

[grey_aj]

Everyone slips up, but that does not diminish the fact that you were 6 *years* clean.

- AJ

[madmusican]

:-( I cut again this morning

I tried everything else but in the end, I gave up trying. My friend from work said he was going to call me at the beginning of the week, it is now Friday and no call. I thought I could trust him. I know he has his own family and life and it is much better than listening to someone ***** and moan, but I thought he would be true to his word. He said he would help me get help or counselling, and he said he would come to the docs so they don't fob me off with meds again.

I only have three days until I go back to work, which is something I want to do, but I don't know if I will cope. Being home alone isn't good for me but I can understand work not wanting me in either if I am unstable.

I just wish I could crawl into a tiny space and hide, wait for everything to be ok again. I hate this bit of me, the bit that ponders on stuff, that worries, that is afraid.

Sorry, just needed to get that down somewhere

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by madmusican

:-( I cut again this morning

I tried everything else but in the end, I gave up trying. My friend from work said he was going to call me at the beginning of the week, it is now Friday and no call. I thought I could trust him. I know he has his own family and life and it is much better than listening to someone ***** and moan, but I thought he would be true to his word. He said he would help me get help or counselling, and he said he would come to the docs so they don't fob me off with meds again.

I only have three days until I go back to work, which is something I want to do, but I don't know if I will cope. Being home alone isn't good for me but I can understand work not wanting me in either if I am unstable.

I just wish I could crawl into a tiny space and hide, wait for everything to be ok again. I hate this bit of me, the bit that ponders on stuff, that worries, that is afraid.

Sorry, just needed to get that down somewhere

You don't have to be sorry for saying how you feel or what is going on. That is what this site is about, a place tto be able to get support in your time of need from people with similar struggles. I wish your friend was there for you. He may have had a good reason or forgot what he said. I think the only thing you can do is ask him about it, and let him know you were disappointed that he didn't keep his word.

Getting help is a struggle. It is out there and there are people that can help, but it takes time, effort and money. Don't give up, and remember you have the right to choose how you want to get help. If the docs try to pawn off meds and brush you away you can find better docs that will give you the help you are looking for. Try to stay strong. You will feel better one day.

[madmusican]

Thank you Adam.

Still no call from my friend, but you are right, he probably has a very good reason. It is half term here and he has kids so probably busy doing stuff with them. I am sure he hasn't forgotten me, maybe just wants to let me have some thinking time about stuff.

Have talked to a different friend today who came for lunch and she asked me how I was doing. Told her a few bits which made me feel a bit better and have arranged for lunch next Friday, so I have something to look forward to at the end of my first week back. Hoping I can get through until then without cutting again.

[adam_k]

You can stay strong. Some of the things I do to try and help stop the urges are trying to sooth myself. Taking a hot shower or something relaxing if you can get your mind into it. Distractions help me too. I try to get myself wrapped up into something to occupy my mind. Sleeping also helps me.

If those don't work there are less harmful ways or alternatives to self harm. Holding ice cubes helps some people. It causes a lot of pain, but doesn't cause injury (unless you hold them too long, then there is frostbite). Eating really spicy food can illicit the same release of endorphins. Mexican or Thai food can be spicy. Another method people use is to draw on themselves. It may satsify the ritual of the act and help you express yourself without harming.

No one is perfect we falter sometimes but don't beat yourself up over it. The key is that you can try to sooth yourself and control your urges to self harm. Even if it is only for a day or even for an hour, that is progress. I find being around people I like help me from doing it. I stay connected and stimulated and don't obsess over it so much. I hope things get better for you. If you want someone to all to you can PM me.

[madmusican]

Sometimes when i have urges, I try to make macramé bracelets, gives me something to do with my hands and acts as a distraction. I think of people who I care about when I am making them and sometimes I give them to them. Might make some more this evening, haven't made them for a while.

I haven't tried the spicy food thing but will give it a go :-)

[Idiot17]

Don't be sorry for posting. ((((hugs)))))

[madmusican]

Trying everything this evening urges have been getting worse all day. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything really. Tried making things, drawing, writing, playing piano, but the urges are there and getting worse.

I am scared about returning to work tomorrow so I know what is triggering it. I feel stupid for having two days off before the break and being sent home and I am worried what they will say. I want to be at work because I hate being off, cause being off means being on my own which isn't good for me. Plus if I am not there I feel like I am letting everyone down who I work with. But I am so nervous about what they are going to say.

I want to scream but I can't. I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to get these feelings out but nothing is working. I tried telling my husband but he doesn't understand. He tries to be supportive but I can see how upset he is getting by it all so I can't keep being down around him. It is so much effort to keep the mask on at the moment.

I just have nowhere to turn at the moment. I am sorry for only posting bad things all the time, but I don't have anywhere else to say these things. I am trying so hard not to cut tonight, not to burn or hurt myself at all, but its getting worse.

Talk therapy with a very good psychotherapist will help you to understand
why you have such an overly severe conscience. Revealing your childhood
to a therapist might give you insight into why there are triggers that drive
your thinking about injuring yourself.

You must know that you are a very valuable person and loved by Forces that
we have only begun to understand in the universe.

Please get that therapy to relieve your conscience of the bondage that holds
you. That can be helped very much.

You must learn to stop judging yourself or anyone else. Just live by your deepest
principles and you will be fine. So the conscience gets in your way; listen more to
your heart than to that aspect of your mind. Therapy really does wonders for that
if the overly severe conscience is the cause of your intense dislike for yourself at
times when you want to cut. Your body is really a temple; learn to treat it that way
and disregard a conscience that is too strict, too guilt-ridden by negative or excessive parental control, etc.

You'll be fine if you follow your heart and get that therapy, please.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by madmusican

Trying everything this evening urges have been getting worse all day. Finding it hard to concentrate on anything really. Tried making things, drawing, writing, playing piano, but the urges are there and getting worse.

I am scared about returning to work tomorrow so I know what is triggering it. I feel stupid for having two days off before the break and being sent home and I am worried what they will say. I want to be at work because I hate being off, cause being off means being on my own which isn't good for me. Plus if I am not there I feel like I am letting everyone down who I work with. But I am so nervous about what they are going to say.

I want to scream but I can't. I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to get these feelings out but nothing is working. I tried telling my husband but he doesn't understand. He tries to be supportive but I can see how upset he is getting by it all so I can't keep being down around him. It is so much effort to keep the mask on at the moment.

I have nowhere to turn at the moment. I am sorry for only posting bad things all the time, but I don't have anywhere else to say these things. I am trying so hard not to cut tonight, not to burn or hurt myself at all, but its getting worse.

You don't have to feel bad for posting. A lot of people come to this site because they are struggling. There are bad days, and you should feel free to post as much that helps you.

It sounds like you are having a difficult time expressing how you are feelings. Holding this in, so people around you don't get upset. I have been there and it takes a lot of energy and effort to come across okay, when you are torn up inside.

Feelings sad, frustrated, scared are all feelings we get. I think it is important to express how you are feeling. That can be hard to do I know. Especially when you feel 10 things at once because you are trying not to breakdown. Maybe expressing them can be as simple as talking to someone you can confide in. Maybe writing some posts on PC or a blog to say what is bothering you.

I'm sorry your husband isn't there for you. It sounds like you keep a lot in, so you won't upset him. Maybe you guys can work on it and create a more supporting releationship. One of the things I did was talk to wife about what I wanted as far as support. I told her that I didn't expect her to make me happy or that she had to solve my problems, but I just needed someone to listen and possible give me reassurance things will be ok. That did help me and I think it gave her better understanding on what was going on. It is hard to tell your spouse things and see them get upset, but I think we should be able to talk to our partners about what is going on. I found talking to my therapist and spouse at the same time helpful. It helps explain what depression is like for me and what I need to make things better for myself.

I'm here if you want someone to talk to. Stay strong and take care of yourself.