Not sure why I do it

I've been self harming again, after not for 8 years. I don't know why I feel the urge to do it. Most of the time I don't feel any better from it. I just feel the insatiable urge that I deserve to suffer and that I am worthless. I know rationally that is not true, but emotional that is how I feel about myself. I have all this anger towards myself and I don't know why. Last night I cut the words "I HATE U" into my leg. I used to stop myself for my wife and I didn't want to upset her, but I am growing less concerned with her especially after her online affair. I still have constant trust issue with her and I don't think she has stopped her online stuff. I go from loving her to feeling nothing or hating here without much middle ground. It is hard to know how I feel when my feeling go from one spectrum to another.

I think the only thing that stops me from leaving is I know I would probable spiral downward even more if I did. I can't tolerate being alone. I feel such emptiness and immense sadness with there is no one there. Another thing I can't get out of my head is the feeling no one would love me or care about me. Maybe it is just all the self hate making me feel this way.

I question whether I deserve any better and feel like all I have to offer someone is sadness and misery, behind a mask of what I want my feelings and life to be about. Why should anyone care about me, when I don't care about myself?

Do you have any diagnosis? A lot of what you're describing sounds BPD like in my opinion (not a professional)

You have listed a number of reasons that people self harm in your first paragraph. There's a clear imagine in what you ahve written in your leg.

I'm sorryou feel so much self hate and lack of worth. You ARE worth it though. You deserve to be happy and SI free. I hope you can get to the root of your feelings in order to over come them and be happy enough not to SI again.

I'm sorry about your wife, that sucks too

My current diagnosis is major deprssive disorder, but I think borderline personality disorder wouldn't be much of a strectch for me.

P.s. I'm also currently in therapy and I am taking antidepressent. I am on my 3rd one now. Wellbutrin. Prozac and viibryd didn't help much.

I'm glad you are trying anti-depressants. Although they won't fix the underlying problem, they can help. I think you know the reasons why you do it, you just don't know what to do about it. I wish I could say something to help, but I have nothing right now, except I know how you feel. And your wife seeking love elsewhere has way less to do with you, and more to do with her internal struggles. I hope your therapist can help you find other coping skills.

P.S. As much as it hurts reading your struggles, in a couple months it will be 8 years for me, and it is an important reminder that all it takes is one cut for it to go right back to the way it was for me.

Someone you can't trust - is that what you deserve? No? No wonder you feel bad.

Re your second paragraph above, I remember how much better you felt when you thought about moving out and I think staying with your brother or brother in law. You posted about that previously here. We are all born with no one. We can survive being alone. You can do it, and having a friend as a roommate would help, too. Courage isn't always comfortable, but neither is the rut.

Your third paragraph - yeah, I know what you mean. Feels like that's all I have to offer my husband as well. And yet he cares. Thing is, you can't know if anyone would love you. There are no guarantees in life. You can't be certain, despite all your doubts, that no one would love you. I suspect you could find someone trustworthy who would love you -- but there is the alone gap in between now and then that seems inevitable.

I hate the dark depression and pain such that cutting is a better feeling. Haven't had it in a long time. Wish you the same.

wow ickydog... 8 years is awsome

good luck adam

Thanks for that. I was feeling really down when I posted that. I don't feel as bad anymore. I talked to my therapist about this and got some clarity on things. I feel a little more hopeful about things.

I feel ashamed of doing what I did. It didn't help things for long, I felt some temporary relief but the problems are still there. I think I did it because I felt so bad I wanted something to give me some relief. It is hard enough to deal with depression in itself but everyday stress and marital problems make it really difficult.

I think I need better support. I should say I need a support system. I don't know how to trust someone with how bad, bad is for me. I tried telling my wife about my struggle and it seems my marriage isn't doing good, or I should say I don't have any trust left for her. I question why I should even stay. There is more heartache for me then enjoyment.

Someone once asked me why I hurt myself, and I answered: because it works. And it does. Temporarily, yes, but when you are suffering, a brief respite of any kind is welcome. Once you know that, you can't UNknow it, which is what makes it so hard to resist using it as a way to help yourself feel better again. Injuring yourself forces your brain to release endorphins, so you do literally feel better for a short period of time. Injuring yourself can also trigger your survival instinct, which can be enough to ward off a suicidal urge. So on a chemical level, its a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
It just also has longer term negative effects. (Which I know you know well) for me it just helps me a little bit to know its not a totally irrational thing to do. I really hope you will continue to feel better. It sounds like you're working hard.

Thanks. I try and be good to myself and try to look for the positives. Sometimes I collapse, like when I posted that. Today I looked at the cuts and regretted doing it. At the time I was mentally in a bad place and just wanted to feel in control of how I felt. The feelings were so intense I just wanted to feel ok again, or at least numb. Numb is easier to go with. I still don't get why I wanted to direct all the anger I was feeling at myself, but at the time it felt right, if that makes any sense.

I talked to my T about some of this, as much as I could. I didn't go into full detail, just that I have been self injuring and when I have done it. It is difficult to talk about, but I felt safe talking to her.

Thanks for this. I am so glad that you felt safe talking to T about this. It also sounds like the urge has passed for now, and I am glad to hear that. If you were able to resist, don't forget to congratulate yourself!
It sounds like you're working hard at figuring this all out. Keep at it. I am confident you can continue to feel better and better.

Thanks. I think the urge is always there when I get down, maybe just a product of self harming so much when I was younger. I usually do a pretty good job of fighting it, and dealing with it in better ways. I used to just sleep when I felt really bad, but recently I stopped doing that because Sarah would get upset with me for sleeping. Sleeping may not be the best way to cope, but it is safe and sometimes I feel better in time.

I think sleeping sounds like a good, safe option.
I do understand why it would frustrate your wife though. My wife has physical and mental illnesses for which she sleeps a lot. Even though I know first hand what it is to be so physically and emotionally exhausted that all you can do is sleep, I sometimes feel unsupported and lonely when I wind up being alone all the time because she is sleeping. I do try hard to remind myself that she isn't choosing it, and to focus on helping her feel better so we can spend more time together. (Not making a judgement, just offering a perspective)
It sounds like maybe you have several tools for resisting, and that is great. Sleeping included. I sometimes will go for a really long walk with the dogs. That sometimes helps me.

She doesn't get it I think. I dont know why she gets upset by it. Maybe she just feels lonely I don't know.

I don't know either! I wasn't presuming to. I hope it didn't sound that way.

No it didn't come off that way. I just don't known why it bothers her so much. It makes me not want to sleep as a way of coping. I think she will have to get over it. I need to stop hurting myself and find better ways to deal with what is going on right now.