I've Started Again

For the last few months I have been so proud of myself. I have not cut at all.......it was very hard at first, but I thought that I would never do it again.

Until just a few minutes ago. My arm looks like it has been dragged thru barbed wire. I've been angry at my T because for the last 2 weeks he hasn't contacted me in anyway just to make sure I was doing okay. I didn't expect a phone call, but an email would have only taken a minute.

Then my insurance company sent me a letter stating that I have reached my maximum benefit limit for mental health and they will not pay any portion of my bills for the year. It's only February!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I saw my T on Thursday, he wanted to get me back on a weekly schedule with him. I never mentioned how upset with him I was. Later I sent him an email and vented. He claims that he didn't know I wanted him to call. What's up with that?? I told him that if he cared, he would have been concerned enough to at least send an email - friends (even ones that don't socialize outside work) do that. [sigh]

So, here I sit thinking and just pick up the knife. I couldn't throw it away before, even when I wasn't cutting.

Now I want to more, I remember how it feels, what it does for me. I feel like an addict...........oh my g*d, I know it won't stop again. I thought the meds has sufficiently stopped my impulses - I know they have made me feel very detached from life and that is why I haven't been stressing.

It is 1:38am - I have to go to bed before I do more damage. And this latest is very visible...............

<3<3<3<3Mary Alice<3<3<3<3

I'm sending you all of my hugs and warm thoughts.....

I can definately understand you being upset that your therapist did not try and contact you over that amount of time. I am just as sensitive as you are when it comes to my T making an effort to keep up with me. Once over christmas I was waiting for her to call me, and once it got to about 10 and no call, I was so frustrated that i of course reverted to drinking and cutting. And then she called in the middle.

I hope everything goes ok with the insurance. I don't understand why insurance companies are so beligerant and outright callous when it comes to mental health issues, as in they'll "allow" for this much of this and that. They want you to get better as long as it is not too expensive for them. I hope your arm heals and feels all better soon. I too am fighting the same fight as you so it seems. I know how hard it is, and you know I am here and thinking of you because you are a loving and beautiful person, and I want nothing but the very best for you. Sleep well darling...

*hugs*

_Kelly_

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

"It's morning now, it's time to go away
I'm so afraid to leave, but more afraid to stay"

This verse that I found could symbolise leaving "cutting" behind.... please try....

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Set-backs are something we all have to deal with. I do too. It doesn't matter how many times you have to quit, as long as you keep on quitting. You can do it - I know you can. And it's easier to quit the second time too.

I hate insurance companies! Grrr! I hate politics too. I can't remember if I have told you this, but my T decided (over a month ago) that I don't need any more individual therapy, although I can still e-mail him. He said that it was because I looked so good the last time he saw me, but I got suspicious of that, especially when my husband started talking about bosses being concerned about the situation (my husband and my T are co-workers). So I asked my T about that and he said that if he kept providing therapy to me that he and my husband could both lose their jobs.

I do understand about being disappointed that he didn't call and you wanted him to, but they are not mind-readers. I'm sure you know this, but it works better to tell him that you would like him to call you.

Sometimes one thing piles up on top of another and it is just too much. I'm sorry that you have so much to deal with, but I do have confidence that you will be able to get through it, Things will get better.

Love,

two steps forward one step back. Not cutting for as long as you did is a great accomplishment. Now your job is to look at your trigger (T not calling and insurance problems) and try to work out ways to deal with it more productively. I know, easier said then done. For me it sometimes takes hurting myself to get to a place where I can figure out how to deal with the problem without hurting myself. I hope that will change soon. Just keep working on it.
Carrie

Dear Mary Alice,

I was really upset with myself because I cut myself on Christmas Day and one day in early January as well. When I cut myself on Christmas Day, that was the first time in over ten years. I was really, really upset with myself. On the one hand, I didn't know what else to do with my feelings at that point, and things were a mess. And I still wish I hadn't resorted to cutting. But I did. I was really overwhelmed both times.

I guess what I want to say is that I'm pulling things back together and haven't hurt myself since then, either cutting or hitting. I'm working really hard at it. Even though I slipped up and was upset with myself, the next day afterwards was a new day, and I could start again and begin afresh. I keep working with my counselor and that is helping me also.

I'm sorry for the various frustrations that you had that day. I can see how that would be really overwhelming. The insurance stuff - arrrrgggghh! And it is really hard to want to be in touch with someone important, like one's counselor, and have trouble getting in touch. I hope you can talk with your counselor about that next time.

I'm thinking of you, Mary Alice. And I hope maybe you can give yourself a break about having cut yourself this time, and just start over anew. I know it's really hard to keep yourself safe from cutting, or at least it is for me at various times. The longer I refrain from it, though, the easier it tends to get. And since you kept free from cutting for that long period, even as challenging as it must have been, I bet you can do that again if you want to resume that. Just because you cut once doesn't mean you have to start cutting repetitively again. It just means you....cut one time. If you make it one time.

Hope that makes sense.

Take care,
ErinBear

Thanks everyone for your support. Yesterday I had an allergic reaction to the Lamictal - such a rash that spread like crazy. Within 15 mins. it covered my arm........it was horrible and itchy.

My husband had to run to Walgreens and pick up 2 new prescrips for me (I called the doc on duty) and one was an antihistimine and the other one is Tegretol. Might be trying that one now instead of the Lamictal - those I flushed.

I still have red dots all over me, but the meds are helping.

Happy Valentine's day to all - may you find peace and happiness for today and as many days afterward as possible.

xoxoxo

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry you are having to deal with an allergic reaction on top of everything on your plate.

May you have a peaceful and restful evening. Happy Valentine's Day sweetie.




Heather

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{{{{{{{{{{ hugs you deeply }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Cutting is a sore we all bear
Cutting is something we do not want to share
but at times like this it makes me want to cut
It makes me want to hold you till you no longer cut
I do not like to hear you have started again
For I thought you loved yourself more than that..

I know you have had a horrible trigger lately, and I do understand..

I have had a few triggers lately too, but we have to keep in tocuh to help each other through...

We have to be each others helpers, for we need all the help we can get..

Cutting Cutting is something we all bear,
but sharing our thoughts and words can make it stop.
let us remind ourselves we do have freinds online that will glady help you if you need it

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
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