[lynn-1963]

As I stated in another chat room I am dealing with a girlfriend who is currently inpatient for the 3rd time in 4 months. Plus, I am dealing with having no job, just had some heart issues and had to get a blockage opened up, my daughter away in another country studying in college....and my old issues of feeling "bad" and "needing" to harm myself are starting to drift in. I know after 12 yrs. of counseling that its not good, I know the things I am supposed to do and say to myself. But my girlfriend was my "rock" and would help me when things or times like this would creep up. Now I cant depend on her, or really at this point don't even know if we have a relationship anymore. She isn't the same person anymore......she is going to loose her apartment, her control over her own life and decisions, and most likely be put into a long term assisted living. She can no longer live by herself at this point. So I am suffering with the fact that I've lost what we had. I am going today to pack up her apartment and would really like to see her but she refuses to see me. Its been about a month since I've seen her.

I know I need to keep strong and be supportive.....but I ask you, who is there to support me? Where is she now? This all came to play because she stopped taking her meds.....which has left me angry at her. I feel worthless, and feel guilty for most of my feelings right now. I also feel as if I need to be "punished" or rather not feel at all......so in order to do that, that's when the "cutting " comes into place. I haven't done anything yet and I guess I just need to vent so I feel heard and hopefully that will be enough for me. I think it may........so just venting

[Sam2]

lynn,
you need to know that what happened to your girlfriend was not your fault. She chose to stop taking her medications, and it was not your place nor your responsibility to force her to take them. Punishing yourself is pointless. Not only do you not deserve it, but you have already been there and you know that it is only a temporary fix.

Even after have gone without cutting for so long, doing it even once will likely restart the pattern again. Cutting is an addiction as you know, and just as an alcoholic cannot ever drink again, you cannot cut again without putting everything you have worked so hard to regain at risk.

What ever the reason for your girlfriend not wanting to talk to you, you can't make her. If she is going to have to go into assisted living, then the problem is serious, and trying to understand why she is acting the way she is towards you now will only drive you nuts. (no pun intended). She may not even know why. In highschool one of my friends suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. We had be growing apart for years, so I didn't realize she wasn't there for a long time. When I finally called her house, she refused to talk to me. Like you I was angry, confused and had no idea of what was going on.

Before you actually start cutting yourself, get back into therapy. You probably don't want to have to back track like that, but you need to find another way of coping with this new crisis. Don't let what is happening now destroy you. If you had a therapist you liked, call them ASAP. There may not be anything you can do for your girlfriend, time will tell, but that doesn't mean that you have to let it ruin your own life.

Sam2

[lynn-1963]

I saw her today.....she didn't look at me, and of course she isn't talking. Not just to me, to everyone! Today is her sisters birthday and she wouldn't even say anything to her. She said (wrote) that she is NEVER going to talk again. I dropped everything to go see her, and she didn't want me to see her. I was packing her apartment up and her sister called me and said go see her, they are expecting you. I needed to get some information from her so I can close up some loose ends with the apartment that's the only reason she said she would see me. Then when I tried talking to her, to be supportive, she only criticized that I was there not at visiting hours. And then she proceeded to give me a list of items she wanted from her apartment, and a list of things to buy at the store for her. Money is tight, I'm not working and she just expects me to do all this for her. We were having some issues before this all happened, I was "hard" on her, I was tired of this kind of life and wanted to move forward.....I know I pushed her, I know I wanted more support from her then she was willing to give to me. Its been all about her threw our relationship, I've had my own issues and now health issues on top of that. I am upset that I am going threw this alone, and I'm upset with myself because I felt like I've pushed her too hard. I didn't cut today, everyday is a challenge. I know I need to keep busy and do other things to keep my mind busy so today ........ I split wood, dug up rocks, worked on rebuilding my stone wall. So in away I feel pain, but its pain from hard work so that cant be bad right?

I do feel guilty. I am upset. I am angry. I am hurt that she is "sick" AGAIN. I am happy that I've found this site because I really need to vent and talk and feel heard. So thank you for listening and giving me your input, I really appreciate it.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Sounds really rough, I hope you're able to keep it together. I used to cut myself and now I haven't in about a year but every once a while I get triggered by something, much like what you're going through. I hope that having this forum is helping you.

I think your physical activity is the perfect thing for helping you through this situation. I encourage you to keep that going.

I will also second what Sam2 is saying, that's some real practical truth. I want to add a bit of advice of my own and that is - try not to be so hard on yourself. You say you pushed her and that you feel guilty for your feelings, you feel like you've made some mistakes. But you know what? Everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to make mistakes. And about your feelings? You are feeling hurt and you are feeling angry, I can understand why you would feel guilty but truly I think those emotions are very beautiful. Embrace your emotions, really let yourself feel them, it is painful but don't try to run away from them. Try to express them here and in healthy ways the best you can without resorting to self harm.

Do your best and that is good enough.

And remember that it's okay if you mess up, life is messy and we're all just a bunch of beautiful messy people.

[lynn-1963]

I tried to see her today, to bring her the things she had asked for. They said she was in the shower.....now she knew when I was coming and they have had a hard time to get her to take a shower. And today she just decides that she is going to go take one on her own........NOT! I know what she is doing, she doesn't want to see me so that's why she is showering now, and her counselor said I could just leave the things and they will give them to her. NOPE, not happening.....I am not leaving anything, if she wants them then she needs to see me. So I left a little note stating that "sorry, I missed you. Give me a call when your ready for me to bring your things to you." The counselor thought I was being a little rough, and giving her "tough love" but I don't care. I have feelings about this whole mess and I need to be heard. Is that so wrong? If I don't stand up for myself and not be heard then I will think less of me and start to cut. This is so upsetting ..... my head keeps telling me that I am bad, that I need to be punished. Look what I did to her, drove her crazy and pushed her over the edge. And I tend to think if I do cut maybe she will see how hurt I am and she will try harder to get better................I don't know, its all a struggle right now.

[arachnophobia.kid]

I really feel for you because I have gone crazy about the ladies before and it's the worst thing.

I think it's really important for you to know that the more you push her to see you, the less likely she is going to want to see you. I know that probably seems to be backwards but I find that in this kind of situation, it is always good to do exactly the opposite of what you think you should do. She will eventually want to see you again too, but not if you are constantly on her back about it. Let her come to you when she is ready, and she will, trust me.

And like Sam2 said, it's really important for you to realize that you cannot control her. You can't control anyone for that matter. You cannot make her talk to you, I know it is very hard and I know you want to talk to her probably more than anything but to me it seems like she desperately needs this space. I think by cutting yourself to get her attention you will push her even further away as well. I've done that before, and my girlfriend never wanted to see me again because of it. She's already going through a lot, it would be very hard on her to see that you are cutting again.

And you know what? This is a really rich time in your life I think. I'm 100% sure that it doesn't feel like it but you are going to grow and you are going to learn new things, and hopefully you will be a healthier and more stable person because of this. She cannot be your "rock" right now, but I know you can take care of yourself. It will be hard, but just do your best.

You do not deserve to be punished you deserve to be forgiven. Forgive yourself and do your best to make it right.

All the best,

- A

[lynn-1963]

Thank you...... I am going to take your advice and give her the space she needs. I wrote her a small note that said I will wait to hear from her, and I hope you are feeling better. So that's what I am going to do, wait.

And I feel good today, its a new day! I am also going on my second job interview with this company that I feel good about. I have a good feeling that I may get this job. So I need to move on, to get back to my life.......AND NO CUTTING!

Thank you for your support in this matter, both of you. Its exactly what I needed to be "heard" and not feel so alone.

Wish me luck!

[arachnophobia.kid]

That's really great!

I'm really glad that you are feeling better about this and I'm glad to help out. I hope it continues in this positive turn. Keep us updated if you need some more support down the road.

- A

[lynn-1963]

Well, it didn't last long......I'm really having a bad day today, and thankfully I got away from all sharp objects because I really think I messed up this time. My girl friend called me Friday night around midnight to tell me she had been transferred to another hospital (which I already knew) She left me a voice message saying I could call her or visit her if I wanted to. I called her sister the next morning and after we talked about we both decided that we shouldn't call her right now or visit. Her sister had received a message also saying ...... please come and get me out of her, I want to leave. We thought it would be best to let her get settled in and let the new doctor see her and then the new doctor was going to call the sister on Monday to see what he had to say.

Well, today is Monday and they said at the hospital that she is NOT speaking to them and she is writing down things again. And now I wonder if I had not waited so long to call her back, if I had just called her back the next day........omg this really sucks. And I feel like crap right now and feel like I screwed up AGAIN!

[lynn-1963]

Oh, thank you for becoming my friend........that was nice of you.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I really relate, at least partly.

[lynn-1963]

Ok, partly?
She has pushed me again once more, stating that she didn't want to talk to me on the phone or see me again. So now what am I supposed to do??? I've lost her once more and cant keep doing this rollercoaster ride with her. I am really trying to hold it together but its getting harder everyday.

[Spirit king]

I've also, felt like i've been slipping. It's like a couple months ago I was doing just fine but now it's just been being confusing.

[lynn-1963]

I understand what your saying now. And Ive tried hard not to slip so coming on here and talking, venting has been very helpful to know your not alone. So I am here to listen if you need to vent......