[Samanthagreene]

I feel like I'm doing much better after I started taking medication, but for some reason I keep triggering myself by looking up pictures of SI or going through blogs with really kind of scary, gruesome stuff. I don't know why I'm doing it, but I can't stop. I haven't SI'd yet but I'm scared if I keep doing this, I will. I've never done this before.
I'm confused.
-Sam

for a second i thought i posted to this thread, but... hmm, nah the one i posted too had a title like this, but..

yeah- it was posted after i logged off (so pretty impossible)

but i'll say here what i said on that other thread

i intentionally trigger myself a lot too, especially on the days where i just feel entirely numb. it feels good to have the pain- even if i know it's not good... if i can trigger myself and feel the pain, i know i'm still alive

There are a few films that I used to watch to deliberately trigger myself. I stopped this last year, but I did it all the time for a few years.

Now instead of triggering myself I test myself by doing things that would make me feel worse. Like drinking. Sometimes I do it just to see if I really am ok or if I have just gone numb. It's a surefire way to find out.

Sam, sam, sam.....

Yup it does suck when your head is in that spot where you are compelled to trigger yourself. For me it is music (blue oyster cults 'dont fear the reaper'). And it is really hard to get out of that mode.

Do you have anyone you can lean on (in person) that can help distract you long enough to shake yourself out of that negativity?

[beloiseau]

I kind of do the same thing...I'll see if I can get myself worked up enough to do it. I have had less of an urge lately because of the medication I've been taking, but I still want to do it, so I end up doing it. I think the main feeling I get is questioning whether the medication is working, or am I just going through an 'ok' period. I don't trust myself to stop because then it will be worse if I feel the need to start again. I hope that makes sense

[BuckVet09]

I have SI in over 2 years but with the way things have been going in my life, the feeling has returned. Don't want to, but the sensation I had afterwards is something I miss.

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

There are a few films that I used to watch to deliberately trigger myself. I stopped this last year, but I did it all the time for a few years.

Now instead of triggering myself I test myself by doing things that would make me feel worse. Like drinking. Sometimes I do it just to see if I really am ok or if I have just gone numb. It's a surefire way to find out.

most of the things i use to intentionally trigger myself are films, too.

i have about 5 that i use (like, main triggery ones ).

i even tried hiding the dvds, but ended up downloading the films to my pc.. so didon't really help

[breakmystride]

I do that too. The sad thing is that I know some of the films you're talking about, without you even having to name them.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I feel like that, right now. I know why I want to do it, ... it's to cover up OCD anxiety and all my other crap, ... self-harming would take center stage, thus enabling me to focus on it, and not the things that really bother me. Problem is, if I were to do it, I would be letting a lot of people down, worrying some, and I would probably screw up my chance of getting supported housing, so kind-of can't, either way. >.> What I find weird, is that for the past 4 years or something, I've had the very tools I used to use, in my toolbox in my bedroom, and still I stubbornly don't do 'it'.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

for a second i thought i posted to this thread, but... hmm, nah the one i posted too had a title like this, but..

yeah- it was posted after i logged off (so pretty impossible)

but i'll say here what i said on that other thread

i intentionally trigger myself a lot too, especially on the days where i just feel entirely numb. it feels good to have the pain- even if i know it's not good... if i can trigger myself and feel the pain, i know i'm still alive

This sounds like me. I try to avoid feeling things too much but after awhile I begin to feel so closed off, so numb, that I have to do something to prove that I'm still alive.

[duende]

Hi Samanthagreene,
I'm glad you shared this. I haven't SI'd in a long time. (Well, I guess I did one thing 3 months ago, but other than that, I really haven't.) Sometimes it's been through image seeking on the Internet especially. And sometimes it's been by listening to really abrasive experimental noise turned up really high on my headphones. I think for me, I seek it out if I'm feeling really empty or scared of facing some kind of boredom or silence. ShatteredSanity and CrimsonBlues, you described something that resonates with me too. I guess for me it seems to be sort of like flirting with seeing how close I can get to SI again and testing myself to make sure I don't want to. Probably need to work on that one.

I like what Uselessme brought up about having someone to distract you. That sounds like a good idea. Something I'm also wondering about possibly looking into is....do you have something that really stimulates your interests or makes you feel really inspired to create something? I should probably look into this myself, but sometimes really powerful art or music can give me that, oh idk, piece of mind or strong feeling. And maybe it doesn't have to be triggering, but just strong. Again, like UselessMe says, maybe it can be strong AND shake off that negativity?

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by duende

Hi Samanthagreene,
I'm glad you shared this. I haven't SI'd in a long time. (Well, I guess I did one thing 3 months ago, but other than that, I really haven't.) Sometimes it's been through image seeking on the Internet especially. And sometimes it's been by listening to really abrasive experimental noise turned up really high on my headphones. I think for me, I seek it out if I'm feeling really empty or scared of facing some kind of boredom or silence. ShatteredSanity and CrimsonBlues, you described something that resonates with me too. I guess for me it seems to be sort of like flirting with seeing how close I can get to SI again and testing myself to make sure I don't want to. Probably need to work on that one.

I like what Uselessme brought up about having someone to distract you. That sounds like a good idea. Something I'm also wondering about possibly looking into is....do you have something that really stimulates your interests or makes you feel really inspired to create something? I should probably look into this myself, but sometimes really powerful art or music can give me that, oh idk, piece of mind or strong feeling. And maybe it doesn't have to be triggering, but just strong. Again, like UselessMe says, maybe it can be strong AND shake off that negativity?

Hello duende-thank you for your comments-they resonated with me as well. I was thinking, as I read your comments, that it might have something to do with control. One of the reasons I use SI is to control, or try to, the overwhelming emotional and pain and physiological effects. It's a way of trying to take control of what is going on inside of me. I'm trying to control the source of the pain and make it more bearable by turning into a physical pain. I was abused throughout my childhood and other people controlled me and they decided when they would inflict some kind of pain on me. I don't know how it sounds but one reason I use SI is to try to drown out the pain of the memories and flashbacks and "control" them with self-injury. Maybe when some of us test ourselves we are also attempting control-control over the emotional pain or the things that lead us to SI and to control the urge to injure ourselves as well. I don't know if this makes any sense or rings true with anyone else.