[damajdancer]

i had this volleyball game earlier today, and my arms are very badly sliced up. I can still hit the ball with no real bad pain, but my team mates keep asking me what happened...i cant tell them because then it will get around the school that i cut myself, and i have enough labels already. Anyways, after my game, the coach pulled me aside, he said that he knows about my past and what i have been through, i guess he noticed my arms when we were in the huddle. He told me that if i ever need to tell or report something, that i can go to him and he will take care of it or he will just listen. Its nice to know someone notices my cuts and slices, and then actually wants to help, instead of labeling, but im still sick of making up stories. I want people to know why i do this and understand that im addicted to it, and most of the time i really regret it. But i know i cant convince every person i know. I guess im kind of worried now, because if my coach sees that i am hurting and what i do to myself, then maybe other people can too. I know one of my teachers noticed...but i ussually dont get along with my teachers, so she didnt say anything. I know im blabbing on and on...sorry. Im just so paranoid that people are going to find out who i really am....and thats not always a good thing
Anyways thanx for letting me just vent.
-Megan-

[zombiette]

((((megan))))
i'm glad that u've got a bit of support "IRL"...if ppl want to label u instead of trying to understand, that's their problem (ignorance is the worst problem of all!)...and who u really are isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's great, but sometimes it's just hard to see it underneath all the bad stuff.

People are bound to realise what the problem is, and they are responsible for their own reactions. it doesnt matter if they label you. as long you focus on getting through it, people will forget soon enough, it will become yesterdays news.

your coach sounds a great guy, you need people like him in your life, and they are the ones you should hold onto, whereas the "labellers" are not important, and they normally put others down to make their own insecurites remain hidden, these are the people you should detatch yourself from.

the cuts will heal, and people will forget. so dont worry, you just have to concentrate on helping yourself and let the world go on as it is. there is no need worrying, i can see why you are and i completely understand, but trust me, people do forget.

take it easy on yourself and i hope things brighten up soon enough.

simon

[complic8d]

I have the same problem. Luckily, where I live it's long sleeve season, so I can go out more comfortably.
I agree with the others, if ppl want to make assumptions and judgements, that's their problem. Glad you have a coach who is so understanding and that you can talk to.

[Perna]

You say you are worried, "people are going to find out who I really am" but you said earlier, "I want people to know why i do this and understand that im addicted to it, and most of the time i really regret it." That's who you really are I think and someone to be proud of. You're working hard on a hard problem, harder than a lot of your classmates have! I'm glad too your coach sounds so potentially helpful.

[damajdancer]

I talked to my coach on friday...he just listened, i didnt tell him everything, just some of the reasons i cut. All he said is that he understands because he used to do the same thing when he was a teen. He said it was his older brother who helped him stop cutting and start over. It really took me by suprise when he said that. He also told me that on tuesday he wants to try and talk it out about why i do it and how to stop. I finally have a little hope that I can stop doing this....no one has ever really tried to help me stop. My friends used to take everything i could hurt myself with out of my room, and tried to distract me. Thats the only help I ever had. And I have everyone here for support.
I have so many damn labels in my school, and i really dont want another one, but i think that if i know i am getting help it wont be so bad.
Anyways, thank you guys SO much for all the support and advice. It means alot to me.
Hugs,
-Megan-

WOW you have more guts then I had when I was a teen. and Im glad you were able to do this and I hope it doesn't back fire on you. but just in case you might want to have a plan in place for yourself by the time you meet with the coach, see now there are nation wide mandated reporting laws that say teachers HAVE to report and suspicions of anyone being a danger to themself or others especially since the school shootings and so on begain and laws for abuse prevention were put into place.

If you did not show your coach any fresh cuts and he has not seen any fresh cuts if it starts to backfire on you , you might be able to get away with saying you were checking out his response for a friend.

But being mandated reporter he is legally bound to tell your parents and or the school psychologist and require you to see the school psychologist and or for possible referal to a mental health agency outside the school.

So you might want to before you meet with the coach research your community now for possible therapy and crisis services. that way at this meeting if he tells you he had checked on the school policys and laws and found out he had to notify your parents and th e school of your problem and you have to see the school psychologist and or other therapy avenues you can tell him you have it covered you will be meeting with a therapy professional and be discussing disclosing to your parents with that professional.

you can find services that help with self injury behavior by looking in the phone book under - mental health services, community services, crisis hotlines, Rape crisis centers and agencies, psychiatrists, psychologists,

Good luck to you and I so hope this doesn't back fire on you.

Hey. I think it is really good that you talked to your coach. Are you in therapy or anything? I could be wrong... It is different for everyone... But with the cutting... Is it that you want someone to notice that things aren't alright so they help you, but at the same time you are scared that someone will notice that things aren't alright and judge or label or make fun of you? If you don't have a therapist already that could be really helpful for helping you figure why you cut and find other ways to get good kind attention that you really deserve, or whatever it is that cutting does for you.

> there are nation wide mandated reporting laws that say teachers HAVE to report and suspicions of anyone being a danger to themself or others...

I think it sounds like your coach understands about cutting and he understands that it is different from suicide or being a danger to others. I guess I'd be really surprised if he opened his yap. Is there a school councellor? He might try and get you to talk to a school councellor.

> But being mandated reporter he is legally bound to tell your parents and or the school psychologist and require you to see the school psychologist and or for possible referal to a mental health agency outside the school...

I'm not so sure about that...

[damajdancer]

I'm not in therapy...my t left me and i just haven't gotten out to find a new one. I dont want anyone to know i cut, but if they can see that i do, like my coach did, thats what im freaked about. If other students in my school find out that I cut I will be labeled even more. I dont really care if my teachers notice, most of them would act like they didnt so they wouldnt have to talk to me anyways. But its the people i go to school with, they would tear me up if they found out. Most of the students in my year are scared of me this year because i beat the %#@&#! out of this one chic who kept insulting me and spreading rumors all about my past. So I guess most people wouldnt say much, but some people will say alot. I dont cut to get attention.
Anyyways, I dont think my coach will do anything that will make all this back fire on me. And if everything does go wrong, i can deal with it...i've been through worse.
Thanks for the advice.
-Megan-

[Rapunzel]

Megan,

I am proud of you for trusting your coach and talking to him. It's really important to have someone you can trust and be honest with. If you never learn to trust, you're never going to be able to heal. You do have to also learn who and when to trust.

Rules about reporting when someone does something potentially dangerous are not cut and dry. There is room for interpretation. Someone who would feel like it is mandatory to report any incident of self-harm would be like someone who calls the police every time they find out someone drives without a seatbelt, or is underage and has a cigarette, or rides a bike without a helmet. It would be ridiculous, and the police and mental hospitals, etc. have bigger things to worry about. Anybody with an ounce of sense is going to assess how serious it is, and that depends on how much control you have, how honest you are regarding your intentions, how seriously you have hurt yourself, your reasons for it, etc. Trustworthy people will do what is best for you, and sometimes that means asking you to talk to a counselor, but sometimes it means keeping your trust too.

Megan, I do hope that you can find another therapist soon, but having a teacher who can be some support and a positive role model for you will help you even once you do get a new therapist.

Rap

why do you cut?

you said you were 'so sick of hiding'...

[woods]

i know what you mean. i cant stop ethier. but whats bothering you?

[damajdancer]

I cut because im mad at myself...sometimes other people but mostly at myself. I get so mad at myself because of all the wrong choices i have made...i know that if i didnt make some of the wrong turns, my life would be totally different. But lately I just cant stand living. I feel so dead, but im still here, its like torture for me. I either want to be dead or alive, not feel dead but be alive. And right now death is alot closer than life. So when i cut, it kind of reminds me that i am still here, but i dont want to be here...so cutting doesnt really help for me in the end, just for the moment. Whenever i have flashbacks...which has been alot lately...i cut alot. I feel like cutting all the time, even when i am cutting i feel like cutting deeper. So sometimes i dont have a reason. And im so sick of hiding up all the slices and cuts so no one sees.

Is it kind of an outward expression of the inner pain? That is kind of what it used to be for me... I know it probably doesn't seem this way to you... But you are still young. You have so much of your life ahead of you. So much of your life... I'm not sure how many of the choices you have made already will impact negatively on your life in 2 or 5 or 10 years time... i don't know.

Is there anybody you can talk to? A councellor or something? Because it sounds like you give yourself a hard time and are worried about some of the decisions you have made... A therapist could help you figure out where you want to go in life so you can make the decisions to help you get there. A therapist could help you deal with the inner pain... So you don't have to cut anymore. Cutting will leave scars. You will probably regret those scars one day. Sometimes cutting can become... One of those decisions that we regret later. Another thing to feel bad about and then you can be on a circle of feeling bad -> cutting -> feeling worse -> cutting -> feeling worse etc. It can be hard to see how to get off that cycle by yourself. Sounds like it could help to talk about some of those flashbacks and stuff too... I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it.

[tommylee]

i feel you Megan,
you are an amazing women, for coming out. My thoughts are with you. Wish i was as brave as you.
Tommy

[damajdancer]

I dont have anyone else to talk to...they just act like they care but then leave me in a place i cant get out of.
I do regret the scars....but i regret my bad choices even more. I know i have alot of my life still to come, but it feels like its been over for a long time.

[damajdancer]

Thank you tommy lee. Im sure you are brave...maybe in a different way, but im sure you are.

[depressedgirl]

I know how u feel.I dont want people to know that i cut cause they probably wouldnt understand but,also i want people to stop making up rumors about me and get to know the REAL me.The me thats behind the scars.The only person that knows i cut is my cousin.Everytime he would see me he would make sure everything i could hurt myself with was out of the room,so i wouldnt get the urge to cut.I wish i had someone to talk to like u do.I wear hoodies all year long even in the summertime to hide my scars.It might sound strange to most people,but,thats the only thing i know to do.Ur coach sounds like a nice person.I hope everything works out for the better.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are doing well today. It is nice to hear that you are active in sports in your school. You must be very proud that you are so athletic, and accomplished in volleyball. I am glad that your cooach is on your side, regarding your home life and what you are going through. I am going to leave you some informaiton on a hotline that you can call to talk to someone live on the phone for cutiing if you ever need someone to talk to in person.. 1-800-DONT-CUT. I am also going to leave you my email address, in case you would like to email for information, or if you would like to talk about anything, (including cutting, school, whatever.). I am on your side as well, but I am also concerned about your mental health, as well. Feel free to write me an email anytime you would like to, Take care Soidhonia

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are doing better today. I forgot to leave you my email address neohiodbsa@yahoo.com Take care and good day. Email anytime Soidhonia